| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 6/27/2006 5:17:36 PM | I've read a few threads and yes profiles about the ellusive "chemistry" that people are searching for (my thoughts might be more infactuation). Regardless, I've been making a choice here to look more to the forums (community) in how a person thinks to how receptive or forward I might be in getting to know that person for maybe a "longterm relationship".
I have not lost sight of my traditional upbringing in the sense of using community and some standards that were set before my time and look for the attributes that make a person ever so humble and yet strong enough to be a partner.
Gosh I dont mean to sound egotistical, I am not but with the same breath, am afraid I would rather be alone then not to be challenged and anticipate growth in a relationship. No one wants to remain static.
Ok, having said what I have above, in what ways have you measured a possible relationship and how might it have surfaced for you ? Was it based on the idea of community and what you've come to know in your history or are you walking in blindly. There is no wrong answer here. Ideas to ponder.
Please don't talk of spelling or grammar.... | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 6/27/2006 5:57:52 PM | | I also like the idea of the community. I think "chemistry" is necessary but it involves actually meeting. It's about attraction and how easily the other smiles. In email or forums, I'm looking for intelligence and the ability to consider the merits of an argument. I also look for at least a hint of a sense of humor. She can talk and talk but being open means talking to me, the real me. I'm taking a chance that a woman who thinks about things can grow in the sense you seem to mean. | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 6/27/2006 6:04:38 PM | LS,
I think the forums offer a very unique opportunity to exchange ideas with a wide and diverse group of people. You can get a fairly good idea of what a particular person is about by following their forum posts.
I would rather be alone then not to be challenged and anticipate growth in a relationship.
I think quite a few of us over-40's feel this way. I often wonder in our quest for growth and independence, if we aren't narrowing our chances for a relationship; I presume it is still very possible just a delicate balancing act.
in what ways have you measured a possible relationship and how might it have surfaced for you ?
Well, that's the 64-dollar question we all want the answer to. IMHO; it has a lot to do with imprinting (that familiar feeling of past romantic feelings)and subconscious forces-- we won't know what we want in the other person until we find it. I think we tend to be better at knowing what we don't want than what we do want. Or, we may know what we want, but; in so doing, have narrowed the field of acceptable people and it will take us longer to find.
I believe it will be worth the wait and searching...... | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 6/27/2006 8:19:01 PM | I have not been a believer in the chemistry/attraction theories of attaining and maintaining a solid relationship.
Most of the women I've been involved with I knew for some time before dating
All of the relationships I've been in have for reasons of infatuation of one sort or another. When I was young, I attracted women that idolized my tallents to the point I felt they were not having a relationship with me but with the musician, martial artist or some other traits I might have.
I know If I find my self infatuated, I do not make any relationship decisions till that feeling has passed.
Though my profession involves compiling and analyzing statistics, I don't try to quantify aspects of my potential relationships. I pay attention how I feel and try to address those issues.
As I get to know someone over time, I learn more about how they react and ask myself if I like these reactions or not? I certianly would not attempt engaging in a relationship with someone that reacts badly.
As they get to know me over time, they realize I'm a pacifist, quite harmless and just happen to like smashing cinderblock with my hands and feet.
egotism
noun
the practice of talking and thinking about oneself excessively because of an undue sense of self-importance
By this definition, I would not say you are egotistical, in stating 'you'd rather be alone than static' implies you would not choose to keep a practice of talking and thinking about oneself excessively cause there'd be no one to listen if you're alone. | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 6/27/2006 8:47:20 PM | My personal yardstick for a potential partner is community . My circle of friends , my community, is very small . There are no possible partners in this community , and the possabilities of meeting someone that might fit in are not that great in this area . However , I don,t give up hope that creator will some day see fit to put someone in my life .
Just in case creator is working on a real problem right now , or helping someone else , I will continue to search . | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 6/27/2006 9:08:18 PM | Interesting topic for thought on my part.
I do believe in chemistry, and wouldn't be involved in a relationship without it. I have experienced lasting chemistry so I have to be a believer.
Definately, finding a mate in our own community allows us to see them in a non dating environment before we become involved with them. We know what type of person they are and a bit about their history.
Since becoming a widow, my community has change to includes only female single friends, and a few married couples. My business and industry is 95% female oriented. Living in a small mostly commuting town of married people again makes my community of potential dates add up to a big fat zero.
My interest lead me to things that don't have male members of my age group. Oh dear, I am toast.
I liked you comment on rather being alone than being in a non challenging and growth relationship. I am having far too much fun to go there.
Oh well, if the creator is in favour, chemistry will appear for me when I least expect it. | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 6/27/2006 9:41:45 PM | | I agree that it would be nice to meet someone that I have chemistry with in my own community. I am usually at work or spending time with my kids. Most everyone, at work that is male & 35 or above, are married. I have met some nice attractive men that are in my age group but of course they are usually married. The ones that are single, seem to be going after the younger women, which is fine as that is their preference. My aunt, who is 63, lost her husband last year, has even found a male friend. This man is 75 though, but very well to do & a nice person. My Aunt looks great for age & works out every day & could pass for someone in her 40's. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I have accepted that what will be, will be & I'll just roll on with it. | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 6/28/2006 1:18:06 AM | | I know how to get a woman's attention. I can make eye contact that will make a woman squirm. I know how to dress well. I know how to make an entrance. I am as sharp witted as they come. This has never translated into lasting love though as I am something of a loner and do not know how to act in a group or community. In fact, I am lost in a group unless I am the center of attention. Sad but true. With all the flash and flair I display, I have watched women go off with some doofus that is about as exciting as watching paint dry. The lesson here? Drawing no attention to yourself for the good of the group beats out exciting any day of the week. Maybe I will learn this someday. | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 6/28/2006 1:58:49 AM | Sorry Lipstick, but I think that if you think that community has it over chemistry you are gonna be waiting a very very long time!
I want to clarify, this is my opinion alone. You can correspond with others forever. You can connect on every level imaginable, and yet there is no 'cyber' for chemistry.
Internet dating is backwards......we should meet first and then begin an internet relationship. Seems to me it would work a whole lot better! | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 6/28/2006 2:00:54 AM | LOL. I'm like Moraian, I'm toast.
I live in a small town of maybe 3000 in the winter, over half are married, the remaining half of them are way to young, so I am left picking from men who whisle when they speak or haven't a clue what a bar of soap is for.
When I do see someone who catches my eye, first thing I do is look at the ring finger, DANG! If it sparkles of gold, I keep on movin. Alot of times this town is filled with visitors(boating in the summer, hunters in the winter) Most looking for a little hanky panky while away from wifey.
Chances are the community opp. isn't here. Hell even the net dating isn't getting it.
But thats ok, I really do like being alone, 90% of the time. The other 10% would be nice to kick back with someone. Whatcha going to do? | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 6/28/2006 6:15:19 AM | The demographics in my town are such that finding a fella here just isn't going to happen for me . . . And I NEED that chemistry thing or any fella I meet for coffee won't work for me either . . .
Whatcha going to do? | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 6/28/2006 12:23:58 PM | I wish some would define this 'chemistry' thing to me in realistic terms, I've seen too many relationships fall apart when the 'chemistry' happend outside a mutual relationship.
Until then, it's just a notion for justifying reasons to get to gether, stay together or breaking up. | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 6/28/2006 1:25:59 PM | When 2 people are attracted to each other, a virtual explosion of adrenaline-like nuerochemicals gush forth. Fireworks explode & we see stars. PEA or phenylethylamine is a chemical that speeds up the flow of information between nerve cells. Also, involved in chemistry are dopamine & norepinephrine, chemical cousins of amphetamines. Dopamine makes us feel good and norepinephrine stimulates the production of adrenaline. It makes our heart race! These 3 chemicals combine to give us infatuation or "chemistry." It is why new lovers feel euphoric & energized, and float on air. It is also why new lovers can make love for hours & talk all night for weeks on end. This is the chemistry or the love sparks we all seek.  | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 6/28/2006 4:59:18 PM | Thanks horselady,
A clear answer that can be reasoned with.
I would add seritonin and it's reuptake inhibitors into the mix as well.
All these chemicals come into play when I spar with other martial artists and when playing with a couple of good musicians.
I call this chemical reaction infatuation in me.
I may be wrong but I believe these chemicals are produced in the thalimus gland which controls hunger, sex and aggressive behavior and the hypothalimus, producing chemicals to suppress the thalimus chemicals.
I believe as we age and some of these chemicals wane for some of us and that 'chemical' reaction becomes more elusive in a relatonship.
By your name, I assume you work/play with horses and as such, need to be keenly aware of your spacial relations and danger.
This kind of brain activity is proven to increase neurotransmitter connections and helps maintain a good supply of these chemicals from the hypocampus part of the brain. Making you more prone to get goose bumps than many others without these kind of activities.
I still treat Love and chemistry differently. Having a couple of bad 'chemical' reactions to relationships, I do want to love the person I'll be ballancing my Ph levels with.
I really hope no one actually did the vinegar/baking soda thing. | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 6/28/2006 8:58:14 PM | | no relationship i ever had where there was this so-called "chemistry" ever resulted in longevity. i had much better luck with "getting to know the person". i fell in love with how they thought, related to people, their way of life, our shared views and, sometimes, our unshared views. the rest followed. for a lot of people, "chemistry" means that "high". real love is more "comfortable". i've had enough highs in my lifetime to not want to go there again. stress, stress, stress and more stress and all that angst about "he loves me, he loves me not". i do not enjoy that aspect at all. no thanks!! | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 10/7/2009 9:55:19 PM | The community of my birth had/has a fairly strict set of "standards" -- just not a set that I ever found filled anything in me in particular. It took me nearly fifty years of searching to find one that did. Along the way, most of the men who felt good and right to me, would I think also have felt comfortable in that community, though none have made that particular journey. Many, however, have made analogous journeys, and ended up in similar if not identical places. That would go for those who have managed to make themselves important to me in this place.
I think we grow into who we really have always been. And refine that. The chemistry I want is not the instant ready-made kind. It's the kind that comes from knowing, admiring, and then respecting another soul. The first burns out about as fast as Catherine Wheels, the second is one long slow burn. Which lasts to the edge of forever.
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 10/8/2009 5:57:50 AM | Having long had a tendency to take up with relatively exotic women, exotic in the context of my own small town upbringing, I have found that things do tend to work out better with someone from one's own community. Probably related to expectations on the part of both parties.
One of the issues with the online world is, to me, the tendency to find interest in people who are geographically remote. This does not typically happen if one sticks close to home in real life. The other trouble with the online world is that it is fundamentally objective, whereas real life is fundamentally emotional. I am skeptical at one level that chemistry can easily develop from an objective position with respect to another, although there are any number of women who appear to be able to go completely gaga over rock stars, movie personalities and politicians who they only know objectively.
The online community is not, I suspect, much of a place to evaluate anything but the broadest characteristics of the participants. There are no consequences to what is presented in these forums, aside from the clearly anti-social things, and the participants have complete control over what is exposed about themselves. Many, I suspect, present the personalities of who they would like to be, not of who they are. That is much more difficult in real life..... | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 10/8/2009 6:56:35 AM | I measure the possibility of a relationship by its unimportance. People who walk around with a relationship ideal are like zombies who want to eat your brain. They look for a victim. They seek to bring a live person into their twilight zombie realm somewhere between life and death, and brainless. That trance is called a relationship. It is a curse from a black art. Your body becomes a slave and your mind is long since eaten. That is not who I would fall in love with. I know to stand still and let zombies pass me by.
The woman who is out for a good time can fall in love several times each day, so she would be fun to live with for years on end. It would never occur to her in all that time to even think of our having a relationship, since she is not a zombie. Instead, we would wake up together and have at it again, then later that night meet back in bed, and at some point we would need to buy a new mattress. | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 10/8/2009 10:03:02 AM |  I must be unable to think very well today because I don't quite understand the opening post... the fractured thoughts.
I was just left thinking, "huh?".
Darn, I just tried again and I'm getting a headache trying to tie it all together.
Sorry. I tried. | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 10/8/2009 10:52:43 AM | The point of the original post I think was that some people have to find "community" through other avenues then just where they live.
Also within the body of a community where there is discussion and disagreement you can get a better overall sense of what ethics, views, and morals that some other potential friends/mates possess. You cannot judge how kookie someone is simply by reading their profile. But there are some very judgmental and hateful people who have turned up in the forums that looked interesting, but personally I would never even say hello to on the street with the way they see they world. I suppose it does help to weed out some who are immature, selfish, and self-centered.
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 10/8/2009 3:40:34 PM | Its more simplistic to think that knowing about someone before meeting them genrally has more sucess in a relationship of substance than cold-reactive
~sc~ | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 10/8/2009 4:58:30 PM |
Please don't talk of spelling or grammar....
I wouldn't think of spilling anything on my grammer,,, what a cruel joke that would be,,, what kind of a person are you?
-reads quote again-
nevermind,,,
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 10/8/2009 5:19:45 PM | I give tons of dating advice in the forums.
But I NEVER ask for advice about dating.
I make my own way, my own choices, and my own mistakes.
(and own up to em)
My life has changed so much and the women I've met were all so different,
that I can go by no guideposts or bogus standards and rules.
Just got to deuce it out best I can.
When it is wrong, it is obvious.
If it is right....I'll know it! | |
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| Falling in love in community or online?
Posted: 10/8/2009 10:50:50 PM |
I give tons of dating advice in the forums.
But I NEVER ask for advice about dating.
...Considering the amount of time I've been here, I try to refrain from giving dating advice.
When it is wrong, it is obvious.
If it is right....I'll know it!
...Well, it's not "always" obvious...In my case, it took about six months before I experienced that "oh oh moment"
...maeflowers | |
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