| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 6/30/2006 10:02:05 PM | I moved out to the South Pacific for holidays and ended up working there, while there I met a party animal who I started going out with. She was there for me when I was down and helped her equally to better her self-image and teach her that certain things shouldent be tolerated no matter where you are from. The Culture here is different from the United States but theres always certain universal truths that can be shared no matter where in the world you are.
So we get into a deep relationship and fall in love. I start getting her to realise that in her society people drink because theres nothing else to do, but its only because they feel a void which requires them to seek comfort for the island lifestyle thats here in this country. She stopped drinking heavily and drank with me socially but every once in a while there were big verbal fights because of the alcohol. After a good month of cutting down she started drinking heavily again and that caused me to draw the line. I broke up with her because If a person truely loves you they can stop (Binge) drinking to prove how much you mean to them. I gave her chances and even ran back to her when we had broken up during the 6 months to show her that I had hope that she could change. Her family and friends understood that and in the end realised that I should move on too.
I broke up with her and now Im focused on looking at the finer things in life, and look at things much more differently.
Have you experienced anything similar? what are your thoughts on my situation? | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 6/30/2006 10:22:04 PM | Hey there,
There's alot of us who can relate to your situation. I am sure many will tell all that you did wrong and how classic and on and on and on. I only know this from personal experience. There's an old saying: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
She has to help herself. She has to love herself. Someday she may ask herself how did she rate you and how did she loose you. More than likely, after she asks herself these questions, she'll have alot of drinks to salute you and the fact that she had you for a moment.
Its been over a year since my guy left saying he would just bring me down. Its hard work...I am getting better. So will you. | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 6/30/2006 10:26:40 PM | A alcoholic cant just drink socially. You cant help her. She has to realize she has a problem then get herself help.
I wouldnt have had any drinks around her. That for sure was no help. | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 6/30/2006 10:42:50 PM | That girl would have pulled you down into a 'Ring Of Fire' if you took a patient attitude with her.
I knew a girl like that and she was one of the funniest and best friends (platonic) I ever had. Her drinking really got on my nerves and pissed me off, but I haven't seen her in 10 years and wish we could be friends again. But I don't miss her drinking
I guess it comes down to how much patience and uderstanding you have. | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 6/30/2006 10:58:46 PM | I broke up with her because If a person truely loves you they can stop (Binge) drinking to prove how much you mean to them.
OP, My thoughts on your situation are as follows, if this woman suffers from alcoholism, then she has a dreadful disease. It is incurabale and deadly. In Alcoholics Anonymous they say she has three options: sobered up, locked up, covered up. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous reminds us, "Remember that we deal with alcohol--cunning, baffling,powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power--that One is God. May you find Him now!" Alcoholics, particularly binge drinkers, can stop drinking for a short while, perhaps a long while. But alcoholism is a progressive disease. It keeps going with or without the alcohol. The drinking is but one symptom. No matter how much a person loves another they cannot stop drinking to prove it. Not if they are alcoholic. She can stop drinking. She can get sober. But not for you. She has to do it for herself when she is ready. And she'll need help to do it. Otherwise, she'll just be a dry drunk. And in my opinion, they're worse. They never pass out.
I would suggest two things for you. One, get yourself a copy of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" and read it cover to cover. Yes it should even be available in the South Pacific. Two, get in touch with Al-Anon Family Groups. Please, if you don't want to live through this scenario over and over again. There is a web site. I am drawn to alcoholics. Have been ever since I can remember. I don't know why. I married one, lived with others, gave birth to a few. But without Al-Anon Family Groups, I'd still be doing the same old stuff expecting different results. I had enough. If you don't want to go now, tuck it away for when you are ready. We'll be waiting for you. When you get tired of feeling crazy, screaming matches, verbal abuse, lies, the smell of alcohol, the insanity of loving an active drinker, trying to smell their breath as you kiss them, peeking out the window to see if they are coming only to race to the bed to pretend you are asleep when they do, looking in strange places for liquor bottles and pouring expensive booze down the drain when you find them, then come to us in Al-Anon Family Groups. We will love you until you can love yourself again. And we will give you hope.
Remember: You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. And you can't control it. But you sure can contribute to it.
HT | |
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Banji
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Joined: 6/30/2006
Msg: 6 | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 6/30/2006 11:59:44 PM |
I broke up with her because If a person truely loves you they can stop (Binge) drinking to prove how much you mean to them
Boy, are you ever dead wrong ........ if you think somebody can just put down an addiction because they love you, you haven't been paying any attention to the last 50 years or so of addiction research.
If it was just a matter of "deciding" to quit, there wouldn't be any need for *AA groups, addiction centers, needle exchanges, or anything else. | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 7/1/2006 12:05:22 AM | | Yeah it's rough falling for someone who has an addiction. I have a difficult time understanding addictions and even though I like to have a couple of beers at night, trying to emphasize with users is difficult for me. You'll find out they unless they can get rehab and remove the triggers for what they want, they will always choose booze, coke, meth, over a healthy potential relationship. | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 7/1/2006 1:23:34 AM | Here's the dilemna.
Addicts are caught in the forces of mental and phsyical dependencies. VERY serious business.
Call it a syndrom if you want.
Now, how would you treat her if she had cancer, say.
Would it, should it, be differently?
Be careful of stigmatising an addict.
Many people consider addictions dirty weaknesses and character flaws.
Any other "flaw", like a deformed limb is viewed as legitimate and worthy of compassion.
Where do you stand? | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 7/1/2006 2:03:36 AM | i have a friend who is addicted to alcohol and i can tell you that you made a mistake asking her to cut down. she can not cut down ever. the only way out is to stop drinking at all and forever. it is not the amount which is doing the damage, it is THE FIRST DRINK and that every addict thinks that she or he can control it becouse they are scared and lonely. this is a physical mental and spiritual illness and there is no human power who can stop her from drinking.it takes a spiritual program such as AA. you have to ask her to go to AA every day if she doesn't want then you should move on. it is not that she does't love you she is just powerless over alcohol and she will never be able to stop on her own ever neither to control it. this is a very smart illness which always knows how to tempt and it takes a life time comitment to be able to live with it as not drinking and dignified person. and even if she stops drinking at all which is the only way she will still be an alcoholic.   | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 7/1/2006 2:23:23 AM | | and don't think that it is her choice to be ill as nobody chooses to have cancer or aids.nobody chooses to be an alcoholic. it is just an illness but it is up to her strength to learn to live with it and to put down her ego arrogance fears and paranoia and seek for help.i'll be happy to talk to you or everybody else who have a problem like that. good luck | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 7/1/2006 2:30:04 AM | xarzy
After a good month of cutting down she started drinking heavily again and that caused me to draw the line. I broke up with her because If a person truely loves you they can stop (Binge) drinking to prove how much you mean to them.
Nobody quits drinking to please anyone but themselfs. They need to get done doing what they are doing to themselfs, before they can help themselfs. Simply put it's all up to her. She ain't never gonna give nothing up to please you ever! Nobody reins in an alkie but them. They'll run over you like a bull dozer. Draw a line in the sand and you know what happens? They kick sand in your face and laugh. They need to make the decision to attend AA and get help from other alkies. No-one helps an alkie like another alkie can, plain and simple. No sugar coating, no lies. They gotta go get help. The programs there, and it works. All you can ever do is one thing and that is to suggest she get help. Terrible truth, but it is the bare truth. I've seen alkies with over 50 years sobriety. It can and it does work. I sure hope she goes there.  | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 7/1/2006 2:52:24 AM | | I ended my 18 year marriage last year because of my husband's alcohol dependency. He never abused me or hurt me physically but whenever he started drinking, that was his only priority. He let me and my son down so many times. When he drank he was unreliable and irresponsible. Yet when he didn't drink, he was great and we had the best relationship. He was funny and loving and generous and witty and charming. I organised so many counselling sessions for us both, myself and him just individually over the years but nothing seemed to work. He would only attend the counselling when I threatened to leave him which I did quite a few times and I did actually separate from him twice before last year. But I always took him back because he was so emotional and pleading and I knew that he really really loved me. But after so many years, I ended up losing feelings and respect for him until there was nothing much left and I become indifferent and uncaring towards him. We have been separated nearly a year now and I have had another relationship since then which he knows about but he still wants me back and says he will love me forever. He says he will stop drinking fullstop and stop smoking also if only I will have him back. But it's all too late for me. I don't feel the same way about him anymore. I care about him so much and wish him well and want him to be healthy and happy and not so sad about me but I don't want him back as a husband. We have been together since age 18 and 19 and it's hard not to care about somebody when they're so big a part of your life and you have a child together. I guess I love him but I'm not IN love with him. | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 7/1/2006 10:39:01 AM | | it always gets me a little salty when people compare alcoholism with cancer. and treatment programs will use this analogy as well. and they can't seem to free themselves from this type of thinking. but then why would they it keeps people in treatment and that pays the bills and keeps the administrators of these programs "fat". alcohol and drug abuse are big buisness in this country. it will remain that way until we rethink the addictions and treat them as symptoms of some other problem. | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 7/2/2006 4:00:03 AM | drtywhtboy, You are entitled to your opinion. I submit, however a quotation from the pamphlet "A Brief Guide To Alcoholics Anonymous"
What is alcoholism?
As A.A. sees it, alcoholism is an illness. Alcoholics cannot control their drinking, because
they are ill in their bodies and in their minds (or emotions), A.A. believes. If they do not
stop drinking, their alcoholism almost always gets worse and worse.
Both the American Medical Association and the British Medical Association, chief
organizations of doctors in those countries, also have said that alcoholism is an illness.
That pamphlet was copyrighted 1972. A.A. was begun in 1935. There were no treatment centers in those days. The recovering alcoholics took the newcomers home with them and nursed them through their withdrawals. When necessary, they took them to the hospital. Sometimes the newcomer didn't survive the drying out process.
Inadvertantly, it was discovered that alcohol left the same residue in an alcoholic's brain that heroin leaves in an addict's brain. This residue is not found in the brain of the non-alcoholic drinker. Evidently, something is different. Call it whatever you want. Disease works for me.
HT | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 7/2/2006 5:42:36 AM | | I have plenty more reasons for my actions but Ill make it easier for you to understand my situation. Shes turning 27 this month and I turned 21 a few months ago. Her cousin summed it up for me one night with these 4 words: "Old ****es Never Change". I can do better than her and thats what I decided to do. | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 7/2/2006 11:24:18 AM | I have many issues with the disease model of addiction. I get that it's progressive and has an organic impact on the brain and body, but ultimately, it IS a decision. It's a choice.
Bottom line, it's more than a decision to quit. It's a COMMITMENT to complying with that decision. The 12-step groups, addiction centers, etc. are in place to serve the needs of the courts and sober people who don't know what else to do with their addicts. As such, their overall long-term success rates are not very good.
The reality is that the people who quit and stay drug/drink free, made a decision and complied with it. Those who still use, make the decision to use every single time. | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 7/2/2006 11:54:09 AM | ellykay.
Your thinking is partly correct but incomplete.
You are typical of those who have "issues" with addicts.
It may be a "choice".
Like the choice the fox has of chewing off his leg or remaining caught in the snare.
Obviously the "choose " mechanism is under extreme pressure.
Cudos to those who cope and who understand.
Compassion to those in the struggle! | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 7/2/2006 12:01:25 PM | I am 25, in my last year of college, and my first year of marriage. I am currently living with a friend, and giving Dan a "second chance". We were supposed to go camping this weekend, and instead he decided that he was going to drink. So I spent saturday with some friends, but the rest of the weekend was shot. I spent it moping, instead of other things. Last night he called me, after the bar, over 10 times to tell me how I was dying from eating, and left a number of messages regarding my weight. This was his justification for drinking, or dying from alcoholism. When we started dating I was 135 lbs. It was through 3 years of staying at home, doing nothing but watching TV and watching him drink that got me up to the 185 that I am today. I wanted to be active, but all he wanted was to stay at home and drink. It was what HT said last that made me write:
Remember: You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. And you can't control it. But you sure can contribute to it.
Thank you, what you said really struck home. Although I am devistated that my first an only marriage ended in less than a year, I know that there are people out there like you who understand, and have struggled with alcoholism before me. Maybe now I will have enough nerve to file those divorce papers, and I plan on attending Al-Anon too. I need all the support I can get. | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 7/2/2006 1:19:55 PM | Gawd I just wrote a decent response and lost it all as I was not signed on or timed out.
Readers digest version...
OP this thread should have been bounced for pity seeking...you no more understand addictions nor want to then any other finger pointer whiney poor me beat up by the big ole alcoholic syndrome. What was your part in this would be far more interesting?
A 27 yro paying even remotely any attention to a 21 yro shows the degree and deepth of her illness.
Your comment you can do better...good luck with that endeavor along with educating yourself along the empathy highway.Sure hope nothing happens to you along the way and may you find those who are as kind, educated and as willing as you have been.
TinCup....bang on! the addict is not well.
I have heard it said that " one gets two people for the price of one once recovered".
What a profound statement! Total and complete admiration to cancer survivors and the recovering addict.Its been a long hard road and sadly for them... few will relate.
Cheers OP stick that head further in the sand and keep whining...looks good on ya! | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 7/2/2006 1:44:03 PM |
The desease that one person has
And everyone around them suffers from
A disease of the family indeed!
Like cancer...it sure must be hard on the family as they watch the person dying before their very eyes. Try hard not to hand them a cigarette if their lungs are involved . | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 7/2/2006 4:11:53 PM | reuptake,
You are most welcome. You will be welcomed to Al-Anon with open arms. I am so glad I could help. Alcoholism is indeed the disease that effects the whole family. It is physical, spiritual, and emotional. Good for you to reach out for the support you need and deserve! 
God bless you!
HT | |
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