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 summerbaby2006
Joined: 8/6/2005
Msg: 1
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pushing away when you start to fall inlovePage 1 of 1    
I had a past bf that got out of a very serious relationship..we were spending alot of time together I really started to fall inlove with him..then all of a sudden he started pushing me away being distant not returning phone calls..etc..He said he was falling inlove with me..but he was scared I would hurt him like his ex did..Or he would hurt me...Didn't help that we started our relationship not to long after theirs ended I know he was still dealing with that...So basically he ended it..that was just over a year ago..come to find out it's been the same with every other gf he's been with since me..pushing them all away..my question is why do guys do that? and how can you stop the cycle and really get them to open up and not be scared of falling inlove with you? and being love?
 jacknyc
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 2
pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 7/7/2006 3:03:28 PM
Don't tell him you love him until he ays it. Play harder to get. Guys fall in love all the time. I know I do. If a woman tells me she loves me right away it takes away some of the intrigue. guys like a challenge. Let me be the one to announce the 'love'!
 mystykchyk
Joined: 4/19/2006
Msg: 3
pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 7/7/2006 3:07:17 PM
How soon after he ended his very serious relationship did he start things with you? That makes a big difference. In my own experience, when I am truly, deeply in love with someone and it ends, I can't just go and pick up with someone else soon afterwards, no matter how special that new person is. Not after a month, not after 3 months, not even after 6 months. I know because I've done it - recently. I'm finally at the point now (thank God!) where I can actually start thinking of other people and be open to that. Three months ago, I wasn't and it would have ruined any relationship I would have tried to start. Broken hearts need time to heal, just like broken bones. If you try and go skiing a week after you break your leg, guess what? You're going to stop after one run down the hill.

Sometimes people think that finding someone else will help them heal. It doesn't. It may provide a distraction from the pain for some people, but - like drinking, or drugs, or whatever, it's only a distraction. It doesn't help heal it. Just postpones it. And any relationship afterwards is going to experience the fallout until the grief process is allowed to surface, even if it's years down the road.

Good luck to you!
 summerbaby2006
Joined: 8/6/2005
Msg: 4
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pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 7/7/2006 3:15:47 PM
it was about 2 months after..and actually it was his wife they seperated..
 jacknyc
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 5
pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 7/7/2006 3:16:24 PM
What's wrong with drinking and drugs?
 mystykchyk
Joined: 4/19/2006
Msg: 6
pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 7/7/2006 6:21:02 PM
Nothing wrong with it at all. Unless you repeatedly use in order to escape from feeling something uncomfortable. That's why they call it substance 'abuse'.
 Lil_Kitty
Joined: 2/12/2006
Msg: 7
pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 7/8/2006 2:38:08 AM
To be honest i have the same problem with running/pushing away when things get too serious! I dont know why i do it, and dont want to do it anymore, but cant help it! Just happens! I've hurt lots of people in the process! This 'flaw' has actually just broke a friendship up that may have been more...if the guy could have understood, i was up front with it, yet i didnt tell him that i do it all the time! I get hurt in the end as well as the other person! i know what your bf is going thru with the pushing people away! Its not fun on either end! But its hard to stop :(
 Miz_Jenn
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 8
pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 7/10/2006 11:56:03 AM
hunny I know how you feel, I recently was dateing a guy like that..things were going really well between us, he seemed happy he said the "L" word and I was starting to fall inlove with him I'm still kind of inlove with him. Then all of a sudden the same exact thing happened. If guys push you away then that meens they are scared of commitment or are unsure of something. Well my best advice I can give to you and all the other girls out their that are pondering the same thing, just remind them of the good qualities you have, get then to see what a nice careing person you are,be their friend and maybe they will realize it
 malabux
Joined: 6/29/2005
Msg: 9
pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 7/10/2006 12:08:28 PM
Here's my little theory on this matter... I think you need to consider the fundamentals... to want requires the condition of not having, and to have negates the feeling of wanting. It's pretty simple actually. So when you announce that you loved him maybe he interpreted it as if you were saying "I only want you!"... or something like that... So now he has you - and now his feeling of wanting you diminishes. The more his feelings diminish, the more your feelings grow...

Now some of you are going to be like - psh, that's not how it happens... Well, sometimes that IS how it happens - not all the time ... but sometimes. I think for this theory to be invalid it would require both people to have that feeling of love/wanting eachother at the same moment - and it'll work if they express it at the same moment.
 Miz_Jenn
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 10
pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 7/10/2006 1:39:04 PM
*point's up* I'll agree with that statement
 arri
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 11
pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 7/10/2006 1:49:27 PM
That's usually how guys do the dumping ... we turn into jerks until we get dumped .. then there are no hard feelings and no blames since we weren't the ones that did the dumping.
 DrewBond007
Joined: 6/27/2006
Msg: 12
pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 7/10/2006 2:48:32 PM
amen arri,
i just ignore a nag until she leaves...and good bye baby!
 eddie198
Joined: 7/11/2006
Msg: 13
pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 7/11/2006 8:54:39 AM
I don't know about other guys, but I can say from experience that there is usually a deeper aspect to it than being scared of love. It's the emotional scarring afterwards that I worry about. I've been single a long time and haven't found anyone that I could fall in love with and visa versa. I've got an almost perfect record of women cheating on me... The last time my heart got broken was the final time. It was difficult to get over. Unfortunately, looking back on things, I'm not sure anymore if I'll ever fall in love. I'd like to assume I could, but when you cannot express it, it's useless to attain it. I'm not a jealous guy, or an angry guy, I don't hate women and I don't think all women cheat or lie, but mine have and I'm way to nice a person to have my heart stomped on again, I don't think I could do it. No one can stick around long enough to break down the walls and I can't stay when I can't show love. So for now, I'm lonely every night, alone every weekend and sleep in an empty bed. The only consolidation is that I will be able to go to sleep tonight without having to feel what it's like to cry over a woman.
 theonlygoddess
Joined: 6/26/2006
Msg: 14
pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 7/11/2006 9:25:32 AM
I thank you all for this post, I am battling some ineer demons about someone in my life , I know I am not ready and this had just opened my eyes and made me see that If I try to do something when neither of us are ready then it could be a disaster
xoxoxox
 vandy010
Joined: 1/6/2006
Msg: 15
pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 7/11/2006 10:06:30 AM
why do people push away? perhaps they are just not ready for committment. they may like to be in a relationship and may possibly be in a real nice one but feel deep down that there are things to be done before locking into a long term relationship. i know i was a bit that way when i was younger. my last gf admitted to doing the same thing and guess what? she did it again!
learn and move on...
 sickoftalking2cat
Joined: 1/13/2006
Msg: 16
pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 8/30/2006 2:52:34 AM
my x girlfriend was like that,....things would start to look up and then she'd start pushing me away,....we'd finally break up and she went into "gotta-have-u -back mode",..... would do anything,...... id get sucked in and in 2 or 3 days she'd start pushin me away again,......she said it was because she was hurt so many times b4,......thats really hard on the guy ,.. especially when he loves the girl,.....we broke up 7 times in 9 mths,......every time it was the same,..... except the last time i didnt go back,......strange thing,.. i met a girl on here and we,ve been chatting for a while [as friends].......she seemed alot like the xg,......everything was great,... then yesterday,...she did the same thing,.... pushed me away,.... well that brought back too many memories,..... i know how u feel,.....i dont know if there is anything that u can do,.... they would have to work on that themselves i think,.......hope u find a normal one next time
me
 BlueeyedBabe
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 17
pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 8/30/2006 4:51:56 AM
You can be a friend.

You can realize, you can't change anyone.

You can look for people who desire what you desire in life.


Etc. Etc.

 maddoctor_1
Joined: 2/28/2006
Msg: 18
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pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 8/30/2006 7:01:17 AM
whats up summerbaby?Thats the first time I think I ever saw that question?I'm answering you because I do the same thing your x does and so,I think Im qualified from my perspective.I was with my wife for 3 and a half years before we got married and that lasted only 8 and a half months.She left me for one of my favorite cousins and they only lasted 3 mnths.He's a straight-up dope fiend so,in a way,I thought that in itself said a lot about the kind of person I was.I was wrong of course but you still consider those things.Three years went by before I would even speak to a woman about anything concerning being in a relationship.Then,I met a girl.I made it clear(or at least I thought I did),from the very beginning I wasn't even thinking about a relationship.Whenever I say that to a woman,the first thing that pops into her head is,"oh,he's a playa!!"Not true at all.Because it's like you said in your profile.I can get sex and couldn't get anything to eat.It's more like being shell shocked or post tramatic stress disorder.Sometimes,love can be war babygirl and have just as many side affects.Some men use the 'I've been hurt before' excuse(after the sex)just to get out of being with the woman because he's already got what he wanted so,why bother with the relationship thing.Me,personally,I've been single now for almost 6 years because I assume,and you know what people say about assuming things,that if one woman can do that too me then any other woman can.Don't make that your problem because it's not your fault.Just move on because there are plenty of men who are ready to jump back into the saddle and ride the horse for all it's worth.Don't fall for a man with such baggage because it will only serve to hurt you in the long run.Me,I think I'm rather handsome myself...lol but that a matter of opinion.So,being single,at this point in my life,is somewhat a matter of choice also because I'm the single parent of a 6 year old girl who haven't saw her mother in almost 5 and a half years so,I'm very careful about who I bring home to meet her and very,very,very picky,I gotta say,to a fault.But,it is what it is and so,I don't try to read too much more into it.I'm sorry you have to deal with that kind of a situation.It's sad that so much pain can keep 2 people who really love each other apart.They say love conquers all but,we all know thats not reality,only an ideal.I hope I provided you with a little insight into your problem.Good luck in your lovelife babygirl.........................Peace
 2pissed
Joined: 4/3/2006
Msg: 19
pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 8/30/2006 1:00:05 PM
Hey. Falling in love is horrible. The expectations for everything go up, and things can start moving way too fast. Sometime it will feel right, then suddenly your with a person who you love as a person but other factors have your questioning your divotion. I don't think it is a fear of love or a fear of commitmment that people push away from. But it is the fear of the future and the unknown. Don't talk about things more than 2 or three weeks ahead of time. Especially at the begining of a relationship. Once your into it about 6 months i wouldn't converse about anything past 1 month. And for god sakes never start talking about long term future. As soon as you say "lets go on vacation next year" or the worst of them all "when we get married can we...." The are all grounds for the guys heart to drop and his fight or flight symptoms to kick in.
And Please!! all you women out there if your man is in love with you and you know it, dont' think you can get by with boring sex... Keep it spicy and think of new things.. that is if he can't, and experiment. If you don't, the guy who loves you starts to get like me and wonder why hes in love with someone who bores him in bed.
good luck everyone.
 Defiant_One
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 20
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pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 8/30/2006 1:23:08 PM
This isn't a "Guy" thing.

Everyone goes through this, it's called "Being hurt" and, unfortunately, some people, once they're hurt take longer to recover than others. Sounds to me like this guy's created a defense mechanism for himself that kicks in whenever he starts to feel for someone.

The real problem is that there's nothing that you can do for him - it's his wall and he'll let it down when he's ready, unfortunately, if he doesn't realize what he's doing he's only going to be setting himself up for more heartbreak which will, in turn, reinforce his own walls. It's actually quite a vicious cycle. They push people away 'cause they don't want to get hurt but in pushing them away they get hurt which 'causes them to push people away.

I've met both men and women that do this.

The only real cure is the person themselves actually realizing what they've been doing and deciding for themselves to change (you can't change them, and you're fooling yourself if you think you can...)
 MovingOnward
Joined: 8/24/2006
Msg: 21
pushing away when you start to fall inlove
Posted: 8/30/2006 5:10:37 PM
I am the same way as your guy in a lot of respects. I have a hard time showing love and I have a hard time receiving love. If I start to feel for someone it makes me feel too vulnerable and I will start sabotaging the relationship in my mind. After a while, I will just tell them to not contact me again and that is it. This has happened with every girl I have been with and I don't know why I do it (it started with the first girl, so it is not like I have been hurt!)

The bad news is that you cannot change him. He has to change himself and that can take a long time. I have been trying to emotionally open up for 2 years and I think I am better now, but far from where I need to be. You might just want to forget this guy and move on and find someone who is emotionally available now.
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