| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 2/28/2005 5:39:05 PM | I have been alone now for the past 2 years since my ex wife decided to leave me for another man...I don't know where to begin but let me start by saying that I lost everything since she left me. I lost my two children, my house, my job, even my health. Now I'm looking at possibly going on disability. I was once happy and full of life and now I'm so depressed all the time I just want to lay down and die. I've been to therapists, doctors, you know, all that jazz and now I'm here asking for some advice. Do miracles happen anymore, is love just another definition of short term happiness. I once trusted my ex wife with my life and look what that did for me...Destroyed me...Any advise as I am in the lowest of lows at this point. I've been told that I shouldn't look for love, that it will find me, but it has been two years and I am so alone anymore...
Scott | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 2/28/2005 6:42:16 PM | hey Scott,
i can't imagine what it's like to go through what you've been through. i haven't had anything like that happen to me, but in less dire circumstances i've felt alot of the same things i think. and i know how it totally sounds trite when people say to just not worry and let time work things out. i guess the problem is that no one can come up with a better idea. but i don't think you should give up on "miracles" or love or any of that, things do have a way of working out. patience is terribly hard and there's no easy way to face it. but if you can only feel bad and see no possibility of positive outcome then you only make it harder on yourself. it's horrible that your wife left you, but that doesn't necessarily mean your time with her wasn't worth it. maybe it just means that at the stage you're at now in your lfie you belong with a different kind of person, and the same goes for her. my friend has a theory that goes along those lines, that people need different things from relationships at different stages in their lives and it isn't always possible to get what you need from one person forever.
i don't know if that'll help much, but i sympathize and definitely think you shouldn't give up. if you convince yourself that things will work out in the iend, then you create the real chance that they will. there are no guarantees other than if you allow yourself to feel only misery then it will be very very tough to find happiness in any way.
good luck!
Darren | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 2/28/2005 7:38:40 PM | | Don't lose the rest of your life by making the mistake of thinking all women will be the same, and that all relationships go bad. The past is behind you when you get busy making things happen. You can't change the past. You can keep it from dragging on. Onward and upward. | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 2/28/2005 7:46:32 PM | Sounds to me like you need a change of preception.
Tomorrow is a new day, a clean slate for the rest of your life. The ticket you hold is completely free of guilt or regret. The train is leaving, headed in the direction of your future. Question is, do you have the courage to board it?
Lonliness is a distroyer, yes this is true. But, friends and family can lift your spirits in your times of need.
In the process of marrage, you are living for someone else. In the process of being single, you can live for everyone else. Be kind, and good things are sure to come your way, so long as you show faith.
I wish you luck.  | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 2/28/2005 8:12:15 PM | thats really harsh man..it may take a long time but every cut heals..even large deep ones. I once heard a quote that said success is measured by how high you bounce after hitting bottom..maybe its nonsense.
good luck | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 2/28/2005 8:41:49 PM | scott... if it makes you feel any better... i've been alone for the past 33 years. i've never been married, only been in love once, have had bad days and times but when i wake up each morning... i'm thankful for the gift of one more day with myself, my son, my dog, my family, my neighbors and friends. ;)
you have to CHOOSE to be happy. even if you have to write that on notes and post them all over the house and repeat it to yourself constantly throughout your day, you have to do it... do nothing and you'll get nothing. you have to make a concious decision to be happy. it will take time, it won't happen over night but if you wake up tomorrow morning and decide that for just that day you are going to choose to be happy no matter what... you will find in time it happiness will come without having to think about it. ;) this time in your life will come to pass... i can promise you that ;)
big hugs... | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 2/28/2005 11:40:40 PM | Hi Scott, OUCH. Put yourself back in the drivers seat, friend. I'm one seat ahead of you on the bus you describe. Lost everything, literally, including my mind for a short while. lived in a van for close to a year, then no place for a while. very scary times. Lost the 'security', and worse - my daughter. What you focus on makes all the difference. Do you have family? Dad & Mom? Siblings? reach out. You had a life before her - you will have one after her - have faith. Don't seek your answers in other people, be open to others pains, you'll find new 'connections' with many people: men and women. Many who've been thru this can relate - you'll see it in their eyes, it breeds a deep compassion for others. I also trusted my ex, entrusted her with everything: faith and love, still believe she was/is my soulmate. mistake. Trust only in a higher power. Start small, maybe a little excercise schedule: go out for excercise. Go to positive places. Listen to positive media - i'm not religious or even christian, but their talk radio programs are very helpful. Only your 'self' is being destroyed - your ego. You're also very wrong in many of your beliefs/thoughts. You have NOT, and never will, 'lose' your children. Build yourself up slowly, and reclaim your place in their lives. Whatever happened is past. You're not alone, either. Read around these posts and check out the 'men's divorce sights', don't deceive yourself about being alone - you just aren't who you might 'want' to be with - know yourself better, remember who you were when you were a child and happy times, you're still that 'child' inside - you described as happy and full of life.
Connect with loved ones, friend, it helps. Here's an internet hug (' ')( and no, i'm not gay or anything like that) but your words bring to mind bad memories for me - April will be 2 years since i left my ex. She also left me for another and married. Praying for you, Sam | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/1/2005 3:11:55 PM | I just wanted to say thank you all for your words of encouragement. I know that I have to be the one that will chose to no longer be miserable. I fight this chaotic rollercoaster ride on a daily basis since she left me. I do know that time heals all wounds, but how long? It seems like I forgot who I was before I was married. I was with her for 14 years and never even imagined that this would ever happen to me...BIG MISTAKE... Well, here I am and man, it really sucks, but at least there are people out there like yourselves who can teach me something I may or may not have already known. Even if it's just a reminder it proves to me that there are still human beings out there with compassion and love for one another. I guess one of my sayings is "It's better to have loved, then never to have loved at all"... I just miss my old life and wish I could put it behind me sooner that the length of time it is taking me. I know that I'm a good guy, but I have to take care of me before I can involve a new woman in my life... It's just very lonely here... Anyhow, again, I want to thank you all for listening to me...
Scott | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/1/2005 7:27:53 PM | scott... i know this is an extremely personal question and you totally don't have to answer it but... why did your marriage end in divorce? i ask because i wonder if there's hope for reconciliation... not that it's my business or anything... i'm just curious because i remember you mentioning you had a child or children.
i think you're definitely on the right path because you clearly understand that you have to take care of you before you get involved with another woman. now if you can reflect on who you were and who you want to be now and set some goals... you'll be happy sooner than you expect. take for instance that picture of you on the jet ski... you were happy doing that then... why not take it out for a spin this summer? ;) treat yourself to something cool... go by a new toy. :) | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/1/2005 8:00:29 PM | i know what your going thrue, my wife walked ou on me and our children 7 years ago, and 2 years after that i got remaried but was given a choice of loosing her or giving up my children, of course i kept my children, and in doing so have discovered a few things, the first thing was that you can not count upon another person to make you happy, and the second is that true happiness comes from your relationship with christ.
of course this is only my insight. | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/1/2005 8:34:53 PM | loneliness has been the biggest source of inspiration in my life, it's a great liberator! I don't know what I'd do without it! Or where I'd be, think about THAT!
how do you spell that again? lonliness? lonelyness, loneliness, loneleyness, ok being alone alright?
Jesus Christ! I can't spell! Or at least I THINK I can't | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/1/2005 8:42:50 PM | Salamander,
So this is what it looks like up here. Oh. Very insightful post. Pain and frustration seems to drive us. In times of peace and stability, there is no growth. I think the most blessed are those who have the most problems. | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/1/2005 9:20:05 PM | hi, just tried to email you regarding this, i don't have time to post what i want to say... i was going to be more thorough in an email tomorrow, but since you are not accepting emails from my gender or age, i guess i won't be doing that.... anyway... i'll try to post more in the forum tomorrow..
mean time.. chin up, there is a light at the end of that tunnel :) | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/1/2005 9:25:54 PM | oooooooooooops? Me not accepting email form your gender or age., Oppppppppppps! Sorry I wondered why I didn't get more mail from women, were you talking to me? Cause I do get mail from some of the women here..................hm lemme check on that
And noone please noone try to take my lonliness away I'd be lost without it!
as far as I can see on choices, it's "female seeking" and you get either 'male or female,' your choice! LOL!
What about lizards?
In the case you were talking to, well whoever is above me, forget all that I just said
Suze
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh I see, "RHI!" you are replying to "original poster?" my bad Hehe!
PS JOE! I couldn't agree with you more! I used to wish that I had had a wretched childhood, so I could be blessed with the 'talent' of the friends I surrounded myself with, I was sure that is what was the problem, not enough abuse and pain as a child
true! | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/1/2005 10:30:51 PM | Familyman....no one does anything to us unless we let them.....you need to pull yourself up and get back in the game. We`ve all been hurt...devastated even in life but we still carry on. You are way too young at 35 to just curl into a corner and die....Come on bud...there`s lots of love out there just waitin` on you.....redneckgirl133.  | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/1/2005 10:49:15 PM | "With each passing minute, is another chance to turn it all around"
David Aimes, Vanilla Sky | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/2/2005 12:36:42 PM | | Hate it for you guy That was almost my story to a T Dont dwell on the negative things only the positives or you will drag yourself down farther Yesterday is gone forever so just remember the good things that you have to be greatful for Tomorrow my never come theres no guarantees Today is all you have right now so make the most of it Do whatever it is that makes you happy and do it now Love yourself and move on God bless you | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/2/2005 12:57:10 PM | Scott,
Tried to e-mail, but you blocked age and gender. I wanted to give a private message.
Forstmeister | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/2/2005 5:05:12 PM | hey Scott...
yes, we do have to make a conscious choice each day, almost each minute [lol] about how you are going to handle things that come along in our life.. sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's that rollercoaster.
here are a couple of mottos i try to live by, i mentioned them in another post, but heck, they've kept me from going "round the bend" several times in my life ROFLMAO <----- you see, you will eventually laugh at all this, hopefully :) [i don't mean to make light of it, but i have endured some pretty horrible things at the hands of men, and lived to laugh again]
anyhoooo the mottos already before this becomes a book ;)
On Loneliness:
Being alone is something i associate with choice.
Moments of loneliness are quite natural, but they're just moments, and they pass with time.
Whatever the situation, it's important to see the humour rather than the drama, to watch your own reactions and learn to pull yourself up.
That too is part of the journey.
On Men/Women:
Men/women should embellish who you are,
not be crucial to your whole existence.
Men/women should be a complement to your life,
not a necessity.
so, some advice perhaps... take some time to find you again, i noticed you said you weren't even sure you know who you are anymore, and you can't remember who you were rior to the time with your wife. well, it is important to find you again, and be whole before getting involved in a relationship [romantic one] again.
also, quite often one door closes so that a better one can open. and there is that Reason, Season, Lifetime saying that you might want to find and take to heart... it's also very useful :)
good luck, you have many people here who nice and willing to lend an 'ear'.
r | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/2/2005 7:24:50 PM | No, there is no possible way for reconciliation...She is engaged to marry the guy she left me for. She had already told me that she has no plans of ever trying to work things out with me. She left me and jumped right into his arms so to speak...She even asked me to move out, which I did, only to find out that she moved him into my house with my stuff and my children...Yes, it hurt deeply and I don't understand how the fact that I treated her like gold and would have done anything for her, caused her to look elsewhere...I thought we were happy but I guess she had alterior motives...Now, after all the pain I went through, I have met a lady that I have been talking on the phone with and chatting via email, im's, on here since November...We were planning on meeting then a few nights ago, I get an email from her daughter telling me that her mom, only 30 years old, is in the hospital and very sick. I just found out today that she has cancer and it has spread to her liver and it's only a matter of time for her...I can't even imagine what her children are going through at this point. I am very concerned about her but like I said, we have not met in person and I'm starting to think that the Lord above doesn't want me to be with anyone...What did I do to deserve all this shame. I simply cannot understand how this can be happening any more and if I could, I would gladly put myself in her place. I am very disappointed in how this so called life has turned out...I guess all I can do is dream and hope for a better tomorrow. What's more is a little saying that I just heard which made me laugh but "The sun does shine on a dog's ass every one in awhile" I thought that was cute and it made me laugh. I am not going to give up the fight though...I will survive....
Scott | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/2/2005 7:51:37 PM | familyman
I am so glad that you ended this post with "I am not going to give up the fight though...I will survive....."
You will survive, because you are a valued person on this earth. Your ex made that choice for you but what you do going forward will be only your choice.
Every moment we make choices that affect our futures, sometimes right and sometimes wrong. But hang in there, the sun will shine on your face, keep making the choices that are right for you and you will find love again. But remember, love comes in many forms and we need to recognize the value of all types of love and accept them in our lives.
I wish you good luck and send you my love as a fellow human being. | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/2/2005 7:58:25 PM | well scott... take comfort in knowing that you're no longer her target. she's found a new target and he'll end up in the same position you did unless he beats her to the punch. i'm a true believer in charma... what goes around, definitely comes around and i've been front row to see it happen to people who have screwed me over... it's kinda cool ;)
this is only a tiny speck on your life so don't be dissappointed at all... learn from this experience and grow from it and you'll have done what you were supposed to do. nobody ever "deserves" to go through things like this but some of us have to in order to become better people in the long run. so that's what you have to look forward to now.
if you've ever cheated on a girl, you won't do it again, knowing what you know now ;) that sort of thing... ya know... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! ;)
you'll be ok and especially without her! | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/2/2005 8:18:27 PM | | i cannot relate to having childeren involved with a relationship but i can relate to being left behind, i used to believe in the sanctity of marriage, HA, but at 21 i got married and she bailed on me to marry another guy, THE SAME WEEK AS OUR ANNULMENT! amazing! well, you get to the point where you just feel like maybe its all okay and you find someone new. well, i could go into "mountainous waves of self pity" and how God really lives in the old testament, but i wont. what i really want to say is that you should feel no shame for your endeavors. you must understand that god or no god, life exists, and there is nothing you can do to stop it from moving on. just as you cannot bring yourself to stop it, it will not stop itself. i, personally, do not believe in destiny. however, some things FEEL like theyre meant to be. is your situation meant to be? perhaps. but what can YOU do about it? you can be there for the woman who was there for you as best you can. you can understand that really bad things happen to really good people and that you are one of this type. you can do everything in your power to make her feel comfortable in her misery (ignoring your own) until the time is appropriate to indulge in self pity (which isnt a terrible thing). realize that everyone has thier own problems and everyone guages thm differently (to the rich kid that doesnt get that new car from daddy to the orphan, unloved and exiled). you seem to be a beautiful person, take that beauty and use it to the benifit of everyone who will ever meet you..... | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/2/2005 8:32:41 PM | I think you all are so great and I honestly appreciate everyone's input. It does shed light on the darkness that has been creeping up on me. I feel that I am a good person and eventually will be able to look back at all this and be able to say that I am stronger. It's just very hard right now and the only thing I can do is wait for this extremely long rollercoaster ride to come to a screeching halt.I am glad to know that people like yourselves still exist in this cold, harsh, world we live in...It gives me hope...Thank you all...
Scott | |
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| Lonliness is the Destroyer...
Posted: 3/3/2005 8:54:46 PM | i lost some 20lbs when the only man i loved left me and i wanted him to leave me... go figure... i ate egg salad sandwiches for a month straight because i wasn't hungry, but i knew i had to eat and that was the only thing i could stomach putting in my mouth and swallowing other than water. and one day, out of nowhere... i woke up and it was as if it had never happend to me... the pain and the suffering were all just a vague memory. it was almost surreal.
when you feel darkness creeping up on you, turn on the lights. when you feel like you're losing hope, lean on a friend. when you can't see how to go on with your life... look in your child's face. know that you will come through this as long as you do what you need to do to make it through one day at a time right now. soon the days will be flying by and you'll be back to normal. don't do anything more than you have to or need to right now... do only what you can handle doing. | |
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