| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/9/2006 4:30:17 PM | Aah the age old question that seems to keep me baffled. I have trouble letting a guy pay for meals, or just things in general. Not guy friends (we take turns paying and that's no big deal), I mean guys I go on a date with... guys I'm not comfortable with yet because I don't know 'em. It just makes me feel uncomfortable to just let him pay because I feel like as I'm sitting there when the check arrives that I "expect" him to pay if I didn't say anything and that's just not who I am, if that makes any sense.
It's 50/50 so far from how I've handled this. I once tried to pay and was playful about it before letting the guy pay. He brought it up in the car later about why I wanted to pay and when I said I didn't know before asking him if he always paid for the girls he went out with, he said he "always pays" [for the girl], even his friends who are girls. Then he asked if I was a "fem." When I said I was just trying to be egalitarian he was foolish enough to expose his ignorance of what the word meant (being the litigator he is and all). I guess it was the day I learned how much of a smart*ss I can be.
But then I went on a date with this other guy who didn't mind going dutch. I soon learned he was a loser. Some of my female friends say that I could've found out sooner whether the guy is a loser by the fact his willingness to financially invest in paying for the date meant his seriousness/willingness to invest emotionally into the date. Hope that makes sense. What are your thoughts?  | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/9/2006 4:51:05 PM | | If you have been asked out, then you shouldn't expect to pay. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable about it when the check arrives. All the guys I know would never expect you to pay half of the meal or for anything else if they asked you out. If you wanted to keep things even then just set up the next date as your treat... | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/9/2006 5:11:26 PM | | Being the year 2006, it is more common to see females pay for their half of the date. Personally, I think I guy who expects the girl to pay for "her half" is a dead beat. A lady should be treated out, thats what a date is. And what ever happened to men opening doors and such? If a guy is really interested in you, he would want to do these types of things, especially if he wants a second date. If I have to open my own doors and pay for my half, I might as well be out with my friends :P | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/9/2006 5:19:14 PM | There was a guy I know who fell into friend zone. He always tried to open doors for me but I'd always beat him to the door. I thought I had a problem... until I met a guy who I found attractive and somehow I never objected to him opening the door for me.  So my guess is that once I meet a guy I like, I probably won't mind him paying. And I like the idea earlier mentioned; I can arrange a second date if things go well and offer it as my treat. Well done, dude (and pretty lady). I agree with both of your posts. | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/9/2006 5:22:41 PM | Here's my 2 cents:
I am a traditional guy and I like to be the one paying on dates. But that being said, if a girl feel uncomfortable and would like to pay her share, I would not find it as an insult or anything.
It's a catch 20. If we are going on a date (doesn't matter if we ask the girl out or the girl as us out), if we don't pay for the dates, it might reflect bad on us. Dating rule on paying is so vague that we get bad rep no matter what we do. Some girl feel insulted if you bring them on a date and you make them pay. So, to be safe, I am alway paying on dates or at least offer to pay on dates. I figure, if she want to chip in or want to pay out of her pocket, she would offer to pay else I assume I am paying for the dates. | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/9/2006 5:35:55 PM | Somebody suggested in a similar thread that the two people should have that worked out before the date even starts. Good idea.
Maybe its a good idea for us guys to make sure our lady friend knows that we want to treat her to dinner, a movie, whatever. That would take the pressure off the gal, and avoid an awkward situation from coming up during the date. | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/9/2006 5:53:38 PM | | That sounds like a good idea to make the arrangement ahead of time, but if a guy was asking me on a date and told me ahead of time that he wanted me to pay for half, he wouldn't get that date lol. For example, if he said something like " how about dinner and a movie?" and I said " sure sounds great"....whats he sapposed to say? "okay great...but I'm only paying for my half :P" lol.... That would be tough to bring up, wouldn't it? | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/9/2006 5:59:13 PM | | Well, I don't have a problem with paying. I don't have a problem with the girl paying. I don't have a problem going 50/50. The relationship is suppose to be about sharing and being with each other. If that's wrong, who knows, but I don't think there is anything that says a girl can't pay. Hey, there is no rulebook on it. | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/9/2006 6:08:26 PM | | OP make it easy on the guys. be upfront about the paying your part when he ask you out. let him know then. then he can deal with that and you 2 can go out and not have that as an issue afterwards. | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/9/2006 6:46:24 PM | I think that the biggest thing with men paying for things such as dinner and ect...I always have that fear they are so going to expect something in return (sex) I have had that to happen several times in my past experiences.....Thats why I so hate dating I love to be in a steady relationship and u have nothing to worrie about........but girl let me say this and I have done this before just make sure you have plenty of money with ya just in case they don't and you will not feel embarressed if that does happen....well atleast untill you figure the person out atleast..
I think it is so funnie I have to share this lil short storie...
I went out with this guy one night....so we went out to this nice resturaunt had some drinks....he did spend alot of money....but I do not feel like that was my fault he really kept just buying me drink after drink ...(trying to get me drunk i suppose). So anyway I was on this lil date with him and the more I drank the more he did get on my nerves just really not my type of guy so I tell him you no hey it's 11:30 and I really have to get home cause I do have children and I have to be up early.so u no I really do need to get home.....well so anyway I think he got a lil angry for that which was a major issue with me my children do come first....
so he finally took me home ....and let me to tell ya he was all over me and I am like dude no ..u no I like u ...but I like u as a friend...u no.......so anyway he got so angry and he litterally screamed at me and said...I spent a $112 dollars on you and I am going to get my moneys worth....needless to say what happened after he said that..it was not pretty......so the point is ...if you have any doubts or any worries that this may happen to you ..you just go ahead and pay and u will not have to worrie about it lol | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/9/2006 7:06:56 PM | i think katie's point is pretty traditional, but it is definitely shady. 
katie says the guy should pay because the lady should be treated out. she even says that the guy is a deadbeat if he doesnt pay. i think this argument is ridiculous.
i could make the argument that men should be treated out on dates and the women should pay. i wouldnt have tradition on my side, but my argument would be just as valid, or invalid, as katie's.
there is no logical reason to assume that men are somehow superior or inferior to women and should pay for dates accordingly. i will pay for the first 2 dates by default. i will drop hints and try to bring up the topic indirectly in casual conversation. if it gets to be date #3 and the girl has made no mention of helping to pay, game over.
if she wants a free ride, she can get it elsewhere. we are both going out on the date and enjoying each other's company, so we should both contribute to the festivities.
it is often unrealistic to split the bill, so i like to just take turns. it evens out nicely that way.
id like a girl to date me, not my wallet. dutch or bust. | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/9/2006 7:13:38 PM | Its 2006. Equality. We share the hassles and the good times.
A woman who expects material things is a material girl. Its a good screening process, see if she offers to contribute. If not, shes a leech. Its only gonna get worse. Shes dating, lets say, 3 guys a week. Each one is dropping, say 100 for dinner? Man shes living high off the hog. And if you lose your job or have financial problems, shes gone with the wind.
Screen em out early. Let the gold diggers find a vaccuous rich dude to pander to their needs. This leaves more room for finding a lady, not a beggar.
Once I see that a woman is not after STUFF and shes interested in me...I pay for dinner without a question. Its the civlized thing to do. I like to test em out early to see if they pass the flakey-takey test.
That having been said I havent met a woman in years who didnt pass the test. I guess they dont even get to square one if they are sugar daddy seekers. I have to say every woman I have dated on POF has been generous, fair and kind that way. And that makes me want to treat them even more.
Make sense? | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/9/2006 8:38:09 PM | Dang, I am impressed with the responses I am getting in the "Ask a Guy" thread as opposed to "As a Girl", where I posted the same question. Anyway, I don't mind going dutch and I actually do think it is easier to pay for the entire bill (that being, to take turns). But I would totally ditch a dude who tells me before we even go that I'm paying half, or that I'm paying. It tells me his mind is too much fixated on money. I don't have a sound argument to present at this time for my reasoning behind the repulsion but c'mon, that sounds pretty sketchy.
I've been holding off on going on dates because as a student trying to be fiscally responsible, I avoid deficit spending. As such, it would be unsound of me to go on dates knowing that I have no money to spare (goes for guys, too and in a way, more so given society's standards). Dating is a luxury, not a right--if that makes any sense.
Anyway, before I procrastinate any more from studying, I think I've found my answer and will let you guys carry on with this debate. Good luck to all
PS: I just wanted to comment on how funny some of your sn's are: bubbynutz? That's hilarious. And ShadyKatie? | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/9/2006 10:04:27 PM | There are so many angles to this.
I do like saving money.
And I do understand not wanting to be expected to return the favor.
I don't want to be taken advantage of financially either.
On the other hand, I want to be nice. I want to be giving. I want her to accept my gift.
I prefer the types of relationships where you both serve each other.
How about alternating costs, rather than splitting the bill? That way, each gets to give a gift. | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/10/2006 3:54:23 AM | The person who does the inviting is generally the one who is expected to pay. Guys don't mind paying if they invited you out, and a decent guy won't expect anything in return. Going dutch is generally ok with a guy, but you should discuss it before hand. At the very least let the waiter know at the time you are ordering that it will be separate checks, so there's no awkwardness when the bill comes.
knopper3 | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/10/2006 7:46:02 AM | | I hate dutch... its so impersonal... i respect a woman who wants to pay some of the time, and enjoy being treated when she wants to treat, but if I ask you out I expect to pay... | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/10/2006 7:51:34 AM | If the guy asks you out on a date, or asks if you'd like to go get dinner/lunch or whatever, its on him. If he says, lets meet up for something. 50/50. I know alot of people who live by this rule.
Even at work when I ask one of the ladies to lunch (just lunch, nothing else), depending on how I ask, I still pay. Just being nice and not expecting anything. Well, maybe that they'll treat sometime. | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/10/2006 8:07:29 AM | If I've asked you out, I would expect to pay, but be pleasantly surprised if you offered to pay.
If we're steadily dating each other, I'm thinking 50/50 would be more in order.
I saw someone for a while who moaned and complained about money all the time...wanted me to pay for everything yet would go on and on about her annual Vegas vacation....does that seem right to you? | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/10/2006 12:26:54 PM | | Okay, I think this is how I see it. First date guy should pay (if he asks, and I never really ask a guy out anyway, so I should have no problem with this setup--not that I'm an elitist prick but because I just don't roll that way). Going dutch is cool, but it's too weird on a first date. If the date goes well I will follow-up with a second date, in which I would insist/mention that it will be my treat. I think 50/50 is valid treatment in a relationship but perhaps the initial dates should lean more towards the guy paying. But that's just me. | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/10/2006 12:31:55 PM | | I like to pay. This way if I don't call her again at least she got a free meal out of it and I don't feel so guilty. | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/10/2006 2:57:54 PM | want a suggestion?
if you know in advance you do not like the guy...then do not go out with him to begin with. none of the "friends" crap either when you KNOW the guy likes you anyway.
what you dont see here is all the women who use a man for a fun time and he gets used. a date is NOT a fun time for the women, its a meeting process.
if more women would not go out with men they did not like then it would not be an issue, but that is too idealistic. | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/10/2006 3:22:14 PM | | What if the woman lets the man pay for the meal, but offers to pay the tip? And lets him pay for the movie, but offers to buy the snack? | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/10/2006 3:23:52 PM | Let him pay the first date. Fair or not, that's life--and if you perfer going Dutch, find a way to bring it up (or just be up front about it on date two), and go from there. Asking him to date two is a great idea, and you can insist on paying (just say it's your treat, don't *ever* use the words "equal" or "pay back"). Frankly, every time I've had a woman agree to a first date, I'm too happy and too excited about getting to know her to care about the bill.
While it may make you feel a little guilty, one message you're sending if you insist is that you don't want to owe him anything--i.e. you're not interested in another date. Another message you're sending is that you're a control freak on some level, and that you don't want him treating you traditionally. | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/10/2006 3:32:07 PM | | Well that depends. If you like the person, pay. Then you can say, "You can get the next one"...thus ensuring a second date! If you don't like the way the date went, you can double dutch it, you can let them pay, or you can pay yourself and say, "Consider it a goodbye gift" | |
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| Paying on Dates
Posted: 7/10/2006 3:43:36 PM | My Thoughts!!!!!! Damn this requires me to think......... Who thought of this topic!?
Here is how i do it... if its JUST a dinner thing... Ill get this one you get the next... if there is no next.. ah well...
If its a dinner and SOMETHING date... one person get one, the other person pay for the other.. if one is more expensive... there is a VERY simple and EASY method to decide who pays... wait for it. . . . .
PAPER ROCKS or SCISSORS!!!
Winner gets to pay for the more expensive of the two..
PROBLEMS SOLVED!  | |
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