| expectations and dating: high expec = setup for failure vs low expec = can be best experience..anyone share this?
Posted: 7/10/2006 1:05:34 PM | One of the insidious allures of cyberdating is, IMO, that often your imagination works overtime via a flurry of too many emails & cell calls, ....you have this 'image/idea' of the other person's looks, their personality and how you two will hit it off, etc... but so often it falls flat...and i find the longer this plays out on line occurs the bigger the possible letdown
(anyone else have such?)....plus I was forking out WAY too much money on expensive dinners (i'm not a cheapskate, and I do love dining out with good company).
Plus before I was really into 'browsing' mode...not so much 'buying' mode ....as having just come out of a prolonged funk I merely wanted to get my dating legs back.
And there was nothing wrong with the majority of my many dates over the past 2 months: 3 have Master's degrees and all are intelligent, assertive, and cool women...so I've been very blessed with my dating material (thanks, God!)
But recently I decided to re-examine my dating approach and to attempt to simplify: instead of long drawn out emails/cell calls whatever, to get to know each other from a few emails, one or two cell calls and then move on to have a coffee, a nice quick chin wag and then it things gel, move to a nicer dinner...but later (like wake up, bro!)....
...to be honest this more direct/efficient approach was was really initiated by the most recent batch of women contacting me,. ie, my latest date, D, (yesterday) even sent me a so-so pic with an average sort of profile...but wanted to hook up regardless with me...so I said, 'yeah, what the heck...can add a new friend to my roster''....in the matter of 2-3 emails and a few cell calls (over 1 wk) we finally met.
So I went in with really LOW expectations
....and you know what happened, right?
Yup, POW!....like where the heck did you come from, baby?! Not only is this woman (D)
stunningly lovely, but is also strong, intelligent and determined (ie, she came over from Yugoslavia with her 16 yr old son alone 4 yrs ago, with no English language abilities had to be retrained from her previous sciences background to a new career/working in a spa/wants to open her own soon, too/is now a landed immigrant with her own vision for herself)...
....we hit it off wonderfully (Bojangles coffee shop in Yaletown)
and over the CHEAPEST date $ I've yet had...a mere $8 in change:
a cappucino for her and an iced amercano for moi.
The time flew by...instead of my regular approach of asking her lots of questions (a tip on when I get a bit disinterested and begin shut down) I instead was interjecting and bantering back and forth with her, too.
I went away after our cheap and brief coffee date finally thanking the dating Gods; but I wasn't sure if my feelings were reciprocated (yup they sure, were as an exchange of emails indicated to each this morning...so a 2nd date it will be had soon, this time to a really nice place, of course).
Don't 'ya just love how life can toss you the curve balls that are PLEASANT for a change?
Two more dates later this wk are to be had with two other women, both from the same approach, too...so will be interesting to see what transpires from those.
Now such an encounter doesn't mean D. and I will ride off to the sunset or anything will go forward after any number of said dates (I still want any woman in my life to embrace health/fitness sports with a passion as do I...and who know what she needs that I may/may not be able to provide..so I'm realistic)....but my learning from this episode is such.
-keep the cybertalk and telephone chit chat to a minimum (unless you see red flags, then RUN!) and just go for it...the sooner you find out you click and hit it off OR strike them off, the better for you both...and I DO realize my own approach is different for all ....just that, again, IMO cyberdating sets us up for so much overhyped expectations as per our imagination wanting its many faceted needs met.
Any one else's experiences with such? | |
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| expectations and dating: high expec = setup for failure / low expec = can be best experience..anyone share this?
Posted: 7/10/2006 1:12:34 PM | " RE Ihave no expectations when i first meet someone. i've learned not to.
just go with the flow."
IMO, easier said than done....I USED to THINK I could do that and as I got into dating more and more I did llearn to try to detach myself/tone down my expectations/image of the other, of 'us' interacting ...that said, however, if we're HONEST with ourselves, we ALL have subtle expectations that our imagination has built up in the backs of our minds (esp with the HIGHER the amt of email/cell calls/shared info/then proportionately the HIGHER amt of expectations/image formed of other)...it is called romance and dating for a reason, afterall.
the higher the amt of emails/cell calls/communication, ie, the laughter/jokes shared/intimacies shared, similar activities you both like to do together, (yada yada yada) the more ingrained 'tis becomes the image of someone (delusional expectations, LOL?) we have in our mind that may or may not exist...that's my honest opinion. | |
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| expectations and dating: high expec = setup for failure / low expec = can be best experience..anyone share this?
Posted: 7/10/2006 1:22:38 PM | i guess i just don't do the whole email a bunch, talk on the phone bunch before we meet. one or two emails then i suggest meeting because that's the real 'test' so to speak. so i really have learned to not going in with any kind of expectation - i do go in hoping that it will go nicely, but not to the point that i would be bummed if it didn't.
just move on to the next. no biggie. if i kept having expectations, i think it would be emotionally draining. | |
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| expectations and dating: high expec = setup for failure vs low expec = can be best experience..anyone share this?
Posted: 7/10/2006 1:28:47 PM | I don't expect anything from anyone. You never really know a person until you actually meet them and listen to them for awhile.
However, I do have a set of personal standards men have to meet. If the dating process is to continue. Everyone does. Thats where the term compatability comes from. How they think, their values, their lifestyle all of that factors into if there will be a second date or a thrird ect. Some men will moan that my "standards" are too high hence my expectations are too high.
Maybe for them yes. In the past others have met and exceeded them. So its what works for me. I will not settle for someone that isn't compatiable with me for long term dating. No point in all of that.
I believe it works that way for everyone. Some people have lower standards.. or even just difrent ones.. not necessarily lower. Either way, if the person your dating doesn't meet those your most likely to keep searching for someone who will In the meantime, its just not my idea of fun to settle into a dating routine with someone I already know is not compatiable. Its a waiste time. Mine and thiers. Nothing wrong with having standards or expectations.
sno | |
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canali
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Joined: 4/11/2006
Msg: 12 | |
| expectations and dating: high expec = setup for failure / low expec = can be best experience..anyone share this?
Posted: 7/10/2006 1:50:09 PM | actually I've NEVER been a juggler/dating multiple women...I can't take emotional confusion like that
you see...I was to take a sabbatical from here, but felt compelled to add a few postings (which I did) and I did have a few women still in my roster of dates who'd responded to me a few wks back at the time when I decided I wanted to take time off..
.why the sabbatical?:
dating fatigue...and also largely because a woman had moved me on POF and turned my world on its head, but I was (am) unsure of her feelings towards me...so why invest all my eggs in one basket esp when her feelings were sometimes of mixed message (perhaps my misinterpretation, admittedly).
and Poster below: exactly my point:...no meeting, too many expectations, illusion
...lets' cut the mustard, meet and get something over with...even starting SLOWLY
is better to meet in person than waste alot of space in text mail land.
Lastly, if I do click, I DO NOT date anymore...if I do NOT click, I continue to fish
...or if the FISH is hard to pull in/may break away from the line, what to do?
And there is nothing wrong in my books with dating a few people, anyway, as long as you do NOT make any moves on them...(they may be doing similar to you)...in the old days (and some here seem to appreciate the old ways), dating multiple people UNTIL you decided on the right one, was the way to do it (as long as you were a gentleman/not a player/or a lady) and I am NOT a player at all, so I have nothing to worry about....I keep contact with some of those women I did not click with as lovers, because precisely they're good people. | |
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canali
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Joined: 4/11/2006
Msg: 14 | |
| expectations and dating: high expec = setup for failure / low expec = can be best experience..anyone share this?
Posted: 7/11/2006 7:02:08 PM | From Rainbowfish:
RE:
If you have not met and someone caught your heart...
your gonna be in for some eye opening new experiences
more than likely.
BINGO! BINGO! Go collect your winnings!.
...and that's precisely why I wanted to meet this person and put a face to a name/profile: to really examine if there was some click there (reality vs illusion)...even as a friendship (but at this point seems dubious...SO sadly, too, as she's pretty unique/classy)....and I didn't mean to have experienced any bonding with D as per my low expectations date...it just happened...in my books a good 2 hr meeting/talk can blow away any multi dozen emails you send out and exchange with one another...irregardless of how 'disclosing/intimate' they can be...the litmus test lies in the in-person meeting.
Funny how some people say they're all for friendships but in fact hide behind a veil of heavy caution (embroidered with cynicism?) and don't wish to move out of their comfort zone away from cyberdating to really make the effort to establish even the rudimentary beginnings of a REAL friendship or a relationship...instead many guys on line get painted with the same brush as being '''wayyyyy'' too out there. | |
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| expectations and dating: high expec = setup for failure vs low expec = can be best experience..anyone share this?
Posted: 7/11/2006 8:38:50 PM | | Ha! God yes! All my plans had fallen through for the 4th of July, and I had emailed back and forth a couple times with a guy that responded to my posting. He asked what I was doing for the 4th and I told him how all my tentative plans had fallen through. He asked if I'd like to go see the fireworks with him. I said, "Sure, why not, I have nothing better to do"...of course I haven't heard the end of that one yet from him :)~ I'm a girl here, so I have to tell all the details...When he took his sunglasses off, it was on! What a beautiful face! When the fireworks were going, he asked if we could kiss so we could say that there were fireworks on our first kiss. There were! This is after YEARS of posting ads on various dating sites. I just finally posted EXACTLY what I was looking for and what type of person I was, and look what I got! :) | |
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sddude
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Joined: 11/4/2004
Msg: 16 | |
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canali
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Joined: 4/11/2006
Msg: 18 | |
| expectations and dating: high expec = setup for failure vs low expec = can be best experience..anyone share this?
Posted: 7/12/2006 8:09:32 AM | Anytime you expect too much odds are you will get let down, that goes with most everything in life
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above posting: exactly...that's why I no longer will engage in prolonged banter with anyone on the internet...most especially if you share alot of intimacies/dreams etc...for those who say that they'll meet and have ZERO expectations, I say maybe...but not likely after you've exchanged alot of info/intimacies online etc...esp IF you've shared alot...'tis something called our imaginations and heart working together, of course...now if you two had NOT shared very much...just looked at one another's profile and then met, then I'll cut you some slack in that 'zero' expectations upon meeting someone.
So maybe it's not so much the expectations as it is the IMAGE of the person and the IMAGE of how you two will INTERACT (ie that imagination again) that gets going in a flurry, given the more online interaction/exchange of intimacies before you meet.
Love, hope and tenderness to all, regardless.
Joe | |
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| expectations and dating: high expec = setup for failure vs low expec = can be best experience..any
Posted: 7/12/2006 8:20:34 AM | | I expect when I meet someone they will find out how far they have to go to like me, and whether they are up for the journey. I expect when I meet someone I will sense almost immediately how much of a match we could be. Of love I expect it to go well at first then turn into a nightmare. This gives me romantic insomnia. I expect I am not alone in this, and so maybe all I do is wander among others whose expectations are similarly self-defeating, afraid to fall asleep. I do not expect a knock on the door, and one never comes. | |
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| expectations and dating: high expec = setup for failure vs low expec = can be best experience..anyone share this?
Posted: 7/12/2006 9:27:49 AM | jacknyc, I think your approach is the best one. I've never really had your experience where you build someone up and then get a little let down but I have found that I lose interest after a while...if only I could blame it on A.D.D. ;). I just don't really want to write emails back and forth; get to know me in person. Plus I don't want others to have any expectations and then be "let down" when they meet me...talk about a slap in the face when a chick here's a date say "I knew this was too good to be true!"
But, one warning is that you can't make it too short and sweet for a first meeting. I know everyone says that when they meet they will know if there's a connection, but remember that often times people aren't themselves on first dates as they can be nervous or reserved etc.
Good Luck! | |
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| expectations and dating: high expec = setup for failure vs low expec = can be best experience..anyone share this?
Posted: 7/12/2006 10:53:43 AM | People need to respect the fact that NOT everyone is the same - some of us are here for different reasons than others and the fact that some people don't want to JUMP into a meeting with someone doesn't make them a bad person or all the other wonderful stereo-typical things people like to throw out there.
Myself I'd much rather see the signs of bullshit here before I'd ever waste my time meeting someone. And thankfully, I have been enlightened to the bullshit more than once and saved myself from putting any effort into a meeting with someone who I clearly wouldn't have respected anyhow.
So if you want to jump into meeting people? Kudos to you. And if you don't? You deserve the same respect. | |
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canali
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Joined: 4/11/2006
Msg: 23 | |
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canali
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Joined: 4/11/2006
Msg: 25 | |
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...not the cynical Italian..(so lame) LOL