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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Interesting and Emotionally painful problem      Home login  
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 backdoorman01
Joined: 7/4/2006
Msg: 1
Interesting and Emotionally painful problemPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Hi everyone,

I am new and I have an interesting question to start off with. I don't know if this is breaking the rules, if it does, forgive me and I will not do it again. Anyway, I have a problem. I am married, 16 years. For 12 of those years, my wife has had a very painful medical condition (Fibromyalgia) which has made our ability to be physically intimate rare. I have gone thorough a mild nervous breakdown about 18 months ago. I realized I missed the physical intimacy part of our marriage. Don't get me wrong, I do love my wife and would never leave her, but I have had litterally physical and emotional repercussions of a lack of physical intimacy. I have been in a constant grieving process. My wife realizes what has happened to me and told me that if I did something outside the marriage, just never tell her under ANY circumstance. I have wondered and wrestled in my own head and heart about this situation and I have even seen some married women on this site looking for something outside the marriage. I miss being able to just share some fun time, not just sexual, but time where I am not having to worry, "is she in pain," or "am I causing her pain?" in my mind. My wife would not tell me she was in pain for the longest time but when I found out she was hurting, I wanted to go throw up. In a nutshell, would you consider me seeking some intmacy outside my marriage a terrible thing? I wish it were honestly with my wife but I found I have needs too. Thank you in advance for your responses....(please be gentle as I have beat myslef up back and forth over this.).
 ][KAOS][
Joined: 2/24/2006
Msg: 2
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 2:31:11 PM
Cheating is cheating no matter how you try to disguise it. It's your call. If you can live with it and your wife can, because ultimately she will find out, then I guess it's a green light. Not cool in my books, but to each their own.
 Jon62
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 3
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 2:43:34 PM
1. IF you are a religious person maybe having a conversation with your pastor may be of some help to you.
2. Your comments were rather vague in my opinion. You didnt really state whether or not you have any type of physical contact with your wife.
3. I commend you on being there for your wife. I can't imagine the hardships that this may have caused but you're being there shows a tremendous amount of character to me.
4. I have been involved in several relationships throughout my life. Although I have never married one of the things I am most proud of is being faithful and never straying from the one I was involved with.

This is obviously a personal decision you must make. It sounds to me as though you are still in love with your wife so I can only suggest that you seek out alternatives to what you are considering. I have a feeling based on how you phrased your post that you would deeply regret straying from your wife. Best of luck to you.
 CanadianGoose_1
Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 4
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 2:46:46 PM
Hmm hello and wow,, sounds familar in a way,, I am the woman here, and I too , have medical issues but none that prevent me from having physical or sexual experiences,, My husband has however found a new love , his harley,, I am alone more then not, does he love me, hmm not so sure, hard to tell, no emotions, no love nothing,, My feeling for you, is, as much as I hate the word cheat,, hmm your wife said ok,,, WELL then ok BUT ITS you whom has to live with the remorse, if there is any,, and beleive me, there will be, if you love her as you say you do,, have you ever thought of masterbation, talk to someone, and vent, I am no one to you,,but if you cheat you cheat,, call it what you want,, Good Luck Though,, I am filing for seperation , as it's too hard for me to NOT BE HAPPY, when all is said and done , then I say and only then, PURSUE your dreams,, have a great day
 rainbowfishh
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 5
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 2:47:38 PM
you need to read the thread about......... IF A GUY CANT DELIVER.

for more insight into this... as the same rules should apply...

accroding to what you wrote.. its not imtimacy your seeking but just sex.
I think there are people and places you can go to find that... seems dating
would not be an option and you should let anyone you meet know how much you love your wife...

strange to me.. you would see it as your seeking INTIMACY.
Sounds from what you wrote your just wanting sex.

Would your wife be ok with it if you talked about going the hooker route?
since you want sex and she doesnt?

I dont see why that would be a problem if your love is strong and your just wanting sex.

 Leeanne
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 6
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Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 2:48:16 PM
My mother had a massive stroke at age 46 - my Dad stayed at her side for the remainder of her life - another 26 years without ever thinking of stepping out with another woman - they were married until death do us part - he was a real man!!!
 Lily47
Joined: 1/29/2006
Msg: 7
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Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 2:56:29 PM
Your wife needs to seek further medical advice. Fibromalicia can be treated in a number of ways, and if she is still in constant pain after 12 years,she needs to consult other physicians. I have friends who have the condition and enjoy wonderful relationships. it is not a one cure fits all condition.
 Jackie1954
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 8
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 3:40:34 PM
"for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"

Did you leave that verse out of your marriage vows?
 GSD
Joined: 4/22/2006
Msg: 9
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Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 3:45:32 PM
I dont think it would be bad if she saids its ok
doesnt mean Id think its right
I would take great pride in being faithful to her(and yourself)
like others have said "for better or worse"

But you can just have her lie there and u do your thing. Just take it easy on the pounding
 rainbowfishh
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 10
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 3:48:15 PM
as I see it there are a few options

1. agree with your wife you will find a woman purely
for sex and pay her for sex.. keeping her out of your life in every way but sexual ( hooker)
2. go to the doctor and get some meds to decrease your sex drive
3. leave your wife

there are maybe more but those would be some options

the WORST thing to do in your situation
since you are claiming such love for your wife... would be
to enter into something that is more than just for sex
relationship with another person... it will cause you and everyone else grief.


To be honest I do not feel your wife would be so upset with the hooker idea...
because she cannot have sex or maybe doesnt want to...
and it may be a great relief for her for you to take this sexual need elsewhere...
long as she knows you love her and will stand by her...
why would she care or object?
If it were me... and I couldnt have sex anymore... I would be ok with my husband
paying for it...
but not ok if he ran on the side and got a gf....
 pier1girl
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 11
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 6:05:23 PM
You really have to do what is right for the both of you.

I mean, no matter how many times a woman says, it's okay, just don't tell me, they are kicking themselves and thinking every minute of everyday when you are not there with her, I wonder what he's doing. I wonder if he's with someone right now. I know that would absoutly drive me up the wall!

Someone (and I'm sorry I've forgotten your name!) said on this thread, "for better or worse, in sickness and in health ..." that is so true. You say you love her, and you would do anything for her, and it is unfortunate that she has this physical illness, but it sounds like you really have to sit down with a therapist/councellor/psychologist/pastor and talk this out!

I really hope that you find some of this advice helpful, and that you do what is right for the both of you.
 amazing80s
Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 12
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 6:19:49 PM

I have been in a constant grieving process. My wife realizes what has happened to me and told me that if I did something outside the marriage, just never tell her under ANY circumstance.


the way i read this, the answer might be no. My own feeling's about it aside, she's letting you know how much you doing anything outside the marriage would hurt her, even while she's trying to understand what you're feeling.

what you have to consider then, is what would happen if she found out some other way. Would you be able to live with the pain that might cause her, and could your marriage survive. If she isn't comfortable enough to hear about it from you --even knowing that you have needs-- it would probably be worse any other way.
 Crossroad
Joined: 2/28/2006
Msg: 13
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 6:26:21 PM
why don't you ask for a bj, or is that out too?
 Szyrina
Joined: 12/11/2005
Msg: 14
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 6:33:23 PM
Geeeeeeeshhhhh.... there are soooooooo many sex toys for men. Go check them out. At least you won't bring home a disease.
 cotter
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 15
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Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 6:45:24 PM
OH DEAR ...

This thought may or may not appeal to everyone on this thread ... probably won't appeal to the OP in any way, but it occurs to me that you are all responding to just one side of this story. He says this and he says that ... he could be telling the truth about her being okay with him going elsewhere with the sex thing ...

... then again, we just have his word that the wife is okay with it. Wow ... I sure do hate to be the "doubting Thomas" on this thread, but I'm with "lily3" who mentioned that there are any number of ways to treat the pain of Fibromyalgia and perhaps she should consult other physicians, and ...

I miss being able to just share some fun time, not just sexual, but time where I am not having to worry, "is she in pain," or "am I causing her pain?

... then we have this statement that it's not just sex the man wants ... he also wants to be able to go out and just share ... ... ...(well you all can read). That puts him in a position of getting more involved with a lady than just for sex ... emotions start getting involved with situations like that. I'm not just speaking of his emotions ... but the emotions of his "extra-curricular" lady as well.

OP ... I say leave it alone. There has to be some way you can work things out with your wife that will not take you out of the home, away from her side just for your pleasure. If my spouse truly had such a problem as you described ... it would kill me to know that he might be out with another lady doing the things with her that I want to do with him.

If she truly told you it's okay ... she may be smiling on the outside, and crying on the inside. I wouldn't want to take the chance of hurting my partner like that.
 pujakama
Joined: 6/12/2006
Msg: 16
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 6:50:15 PM
I dont see it as cheating if your given permission.. but then i wouldnt give permission to do something behind my own back. "you can do it, but dont let me find out about it" seems like her way of saying "I dont want you to do it, but im afraid i might loose you if i dont capitualte"


L
 TomiJay
Joined: 2/19/2006
Msg: 17
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 7:04:31 PM
I have FM and yes, I have good days and bad days, but I found a doctor who understood my condition and has helped me in ways I cannot describe. Never stopped the "intimacy" issues, simply had to work around them. Is this different than a man who has erectile dysfunction? Nope. Women would be crucified if we said anything about that and can we have an affair.
Committed relationship is just that; get on line and find your wife that you "love so much" some knowledgable help. Speak with a counselor about your "losses" but stay committed to THIS relationship or get out. Pretty black and white, no grey. Can't imagine anyone wanting or demanding anything less.
Seeking permission from others to "have fun" lord-love-a-duck......why do adults behave this way?
Get on the bus or get off, but quit fooling yourself or others that you care. Obviously you don't or you wouldn't be here.
 Timid tiger
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 18
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 7:15:42 PM
You say that you have to worry about causing her pain when you are physically intimate, don't you think that you would be causing emotional pain if you slept with or started to care for someone else? Furthermore, if you were with someone else, you would feel like crap (If you truly love her and have the emotional attachment that goes with caring for someone for so long) and it would show as guilt on your face everytime you are near her, she would know and it would kill her inside.
 rainbowfishh
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 19
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 9:19:26 PM
I believe your doctor can give you a prescrption
for salt peter...
that would be easiest in your situation.. wouldnt it?


 Tainted1
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 20
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 9:31:46 PM
....(please be gentle as I have beat myslef up back and forth over this.).

Maybe you should try BEATING something else
 shakdicaprio
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 21
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 9:34:04 PM
all i can say she was beautiful when you met her.she was everything you ever wantnt in a women and so much more.when you were sick she was by your side thru rought times and goods times.and god the laughter and the smiles the reason why you love her so much.if you look close. she still that same women with that smile on her face. my how beautiful your eyes are when you look at me. you have given me life and have made me such a strong men how could i ever repay you back for all that u have given me now that you are feeling sick it is my turn to bring you to heath to hold you and tell you eveything will be ok.smile for me honey god i love you so much as the day i first met you. kiss me and hold me as i lay beside you and lets us drift back in our sleep as i will always to be by you as you were for me. honey your the best i still love you. sign a message in the wind. for you my friend in time of need no storie no poem
 breznthunder
Joined: 5/22/2006
Msg: 22
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Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 9:49:50 PM
I think just from reading how you feel about your wife, and loving her enough to be there for her, and standing beside her is what marriage is all about. I think that you already no the answer in your heart. I believe that even if she did give you permission, you would never forgive yourself if you did, because your commitment to your wife is so strong.

I might be wrong, but that is what I got from reading your post.

Bree
 scinfulpleasure
Joined: 5/2/2006
Msg: 23
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 9:56:54 PM
"To love honor and cherish, through sickness and in health for better for worse til death us do part" is a pretty self explainatory VOW made with God as your witness -- and your judge...If your wife said never to let her know about it -- thats because she is NOT ok with the idea of you trashing the same vows she holds sacred.That is, after all, what a vow is; a sacred promise. I am trying very hard to keep any venom out of my response, but for heaven's sake!!! How dare you talk of how much you love your wife...blah blah blah in the same paragraph as discussinf ****ing around because "you have needs". Does your wife not have needs? Like the need to know that her husband's whispered I love you's and I am yours are heart felt? You know it would be one thing if she just didnt wnat to or wouldnt "take care of you", but how callous I find you that you would use her already painful condition as an excuse -- feeble though it is -- to inflict even more pain on her...tell ya what...next time you have visions of "just sharing fun and intimacy " with a woman that is not your wife, pictue the look on her face if she were to see you with another...worse yet, picture the feelings in her heart when she hears it in the streets from some3ine seeking to hurt you...and they only end uo hearting her. I can tell you exactly how she will feel: she wont be able to catch her breath and she will tremble uncontrollably...she will think that she would rather be dead than feel this intense ripping of her heart....I could go on, but I am "being gentle" being as how you have "beaten yourself up for this" for so long...Maybe you should hit harder when you are beating yourself up...might knock some dignity and respect for your wife back into yourself!!!!!!!
 breznthunder
Joined: 5/22/2006
Msg: 24
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Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 10:00:28 PM
I am going to add one more thing that comes to mind. That is not the only way for you and her to enjoy each other. There are a awful lot of things left to do, that can still satisfy eachother. Being your wife of that many years, I would think that she would want to find a way to show she loves you, or beable to find other ways to help satisfy you, as you are respecting her in understanding her pain, then she should respect your needs as her husband and find a way to satisfy you herself.

I hope this makes sence. Geez what did I get myself into. lol
 go99
Joined: 12/30/2005
Msg: 25
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/10/2006 10:24:43 PM
..stayed married, celibate till death ...what fun!! until death do us miserable you could always cut it off..
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