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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/13/2006 6:08:49 AM | | Why do some women stay in verbaly abusive relationships? I know guys who will purposly treat their girlfriends as bad as they can and say horrible things to them... yet... these girls still stick around. What's with that... are they really that weak that they can't pull theirselves away, I'm not talking about physicaly abusive.. but verbal. It's like they crave the attention of an ***hole and just love it when they get shat all over. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/13/2006 7:39:31 AM | i stayed bcuz i was in love.i stayed bcuz when things are good you forget about the man that almost killed you yesterday.one more thought perhaps all the pain from thier childhood or thier past never felt or looked better.........just a thought.
trust and believe though if the woman isn't completely broken down by the time she sees the truth she will leave or get revenge.after awhile you don't feel the pain,she'll break down,or get pissed off . remember the burning bed..?. justrita PISSED OFF  | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/13/2006 7:50:32 AM | I dont know how anyone could vote to close this thread for bashing?!?!
Its just mind boggling what people vote to close !!!
Women often stay for reasons that they do not have the confidence to leave
( afraid to be alone)
or they do not understand what love is and do not love and value themselves enough
to feel they deserve better.
lack of job skills and work opportunity is another factor...
more so if she has very young kids ( under 4)
and no family or help so she can go to work...
sometimes she is just one of them people who would rather try to fix someone else
to avoid fixing herself. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/13/2006 8:03:06 AM | Man... so many reasons and I've lived/heard them all....
You keep hoping things will get better.
He apologizes and you believe.
It's easier to stay together.
It's what you are used to hearing...from parents, siblings, etc.
It's what your mother got from your dad and she put up with it.
It's one of those vicious cycles.
You absolutely must have a man no matter what.
He's hot and even if he's an ass, so what?
Got kids?
Got pets?
Well.. theres a basic few reasons. Ugly but true.  | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/13/2006 8:15:03 AM | | Aparently some people find this offensive. Although there is nothing offensive about it, its reality. I wish people would accept that. But, I guess some ***holes don't want people to read about the reasons. Maybe they feel like the girl stays with them no matter what becuase they are the greatest person who ever lived... mean while they are lowlife peices of shit. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/13/2006 8:30:24 AM | | If your refering to the guys i know that do it, I don't keep them around me but I know them regardless... or are you refering to the women who stay in the relationships? | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/13/2006 8:37:27 AM | | i think some women stay cause they are in love and some don't know any different if they are brought up in a abusive household they may just think this is normal behaviour. i was brought up in a physically abusive house and for a while i thought this was normal but when my bf hit me i kicked him to the kerb but it's not that easy for some women and they just may need the security | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/13/2006 9:13:47 AM | | They stay becasue the bf or husband has them convinced then can't get any better.They stay becasue he threatens to take custody of her children.They stay because its all she knows and begins to believe him.She stays because he is better than nothing.You can't look down on these women,they are brainwashed to think they are the scum of the earth and they deserve to be put down.Some wake up and escape,some don't. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/13/2006 9:13:53 AM | The question shouldn't be, "why doesn't she leave?"
The question should be, "why doesn't he stop abusing?"
Once again, I see someone proposing that the onus is on HER to solve HIS problem of abuse.
Why should SHE have to be the one to take corrective action? Why should SHE have to leave? Why should SHE have to lose her home, lose her standard of living, go through the trauma and expense of divorce, deal with the hardships of single parenthood, deal with the trauma of healing from abuse, etc etc etc?
Better that we should focus on: Why doesn't HE get a grip on his abusive behavior? Why doesn't HE seek suitable counseling? Why doesn't HE learn to accept his motivators? Why doesn't HE learn to control himself?
This is just another double-standard: HE is the abuser -- he is The Bad Guy, but SHE -- the victim -- has to solve HIS problem, by tearing her own life further apart.
What the flyin' feck... Not saying this as an attack on anyone personally, it's just a rant against the System and societal stupidities. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/13/2006 9:26:31 AM | Someone like that isn't going to go out and admit they have a problem... the only awnswer is leave.. not stick around and keep being abused while trying to change them.
or are you coming from personal experiance... becuase if your so concerned about being a single parent and losing your home... Id much rather raise my child in a home which had barly little financial support, then having him/her grow up as a whitness to abuse and having it normalized in their minds as ok.
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/13/2006 9:38:31 AM | Low self esteem
Inability to see it as truly abusive (well, he doesn't hit me)
Financial considerations and/or kids
Repeating a family dynamic ~ ie it seems 'normal' to them......
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/13/2006 9:50:39 AM | And just to add to the litany of reasons so far, add these (apologies for any redundance and the extreme length, I'm just ever-so-tired of hearing this question again and again and again...):
"Blame The Victim" is a common tactic that attempts to control and censure women. It is ludicrous to imagine that woman are so powerful that we control the actions of others and that they have no volition of their own. It also reinforces the mistaken belief that men and others assaulters are not responsible for their behaviour and actions and shouldn't be held accountable for what they do. This is demeaning to everyone and deserves to be challenged whenever it surfaces.
From: http://www. kwantlen. bc. ca /pscm/wenlido/wenmyths.htm
To the outsider the real question is: Why do they stay together? Why doesn't she leave? There must be varied and complex dynamics which tie an abusive couple together. We have much speculation; we need more facts. Clearly, there are likely to be emotional bonds, fears, shame, guilt, children to care for, money problems, and hope that things will get better. Many abused women are isolated and feel unable to find love again. Some women assume abuse is their lot as a woman, this is an expected part of life. A few women even believe a real, emotional, exciting macho "man" just naturally does violent things. Some violent men are contrite later and even charmingly seductive. Some women believe they are responsible for his mental turmoil and/or are afraid he will kill himself or them. She may think she deserves the abuse. Many (accurately) believe he will beat them more or kill them, if they report the assaults. The abused woman often becomes terrorized and exhausted, feeling totally helpless. Walker (1979, 1993) says the learned helplessness (within a cycle of violence and making up) keeps women from breaking away from the abuser...
From: http://mhnet. org /psyhelp/chap7/chap7i.htm
When a woman finds herself trapped in an abusive relationship there is a tendency to ask, "Why doesn’t she just leave?" If we ask that question, we are blaming the victim and not addressing the issue of stopping the violence. There are many complex factors involved, especially when a woman leaves an abusive relationship; it is the most dangerous time for them. The abuser is enraged and may carry out the threat to kill themselves, their children, family members, or their partner. When an abused woman faces the constant threat of death or retribution, she will tolerate the abuse rather than risk her life or the lives of her loved ones. Abused women also tend to blame themselves for their partner’s violent behavior. In order to cope in the relationship, an abused woman might become submissive, alter her personality to conform to the abuser’s standards, and concede totally to all his wishes. Essentially, she gives up all her rights to freely express herself. Eventually she will come to the realization that all her efforts are futile and will not help stop the violence. There will come a time however when she will tire of the violence and decide she is ready to leave the relationship. Below is a list of reasons why women stay in abusive relationships:
LOVE/HOPE: He is not always brutal…She hopes he will change, and the [abuse] will stop…An abused partner still loves the abuser even though he [abuses] her.
FEAR : She believes his threats to beat or kill her, the children, her family if she leaves him…He’s done it before, she fears he will do it again. [If he hasn't become physically violent yet, she fears that he will do so]
SOCIETAL PRESSURE: Society has conditioned women to believe their primary duty is to keep the family together no matter what…She would be admitting failure…She may have been successful in other areas of her life and believes that if she works hard enough she can also have a successful relationship or marriage.
LACK OF SUPPORT: Family members are threatened physically... After repeated attempts to help, family may distance themselves from the victim...Friends don’t want to get involved…Isolation from family makes it difficult.
RELIGION: Divorce is not acceptable…Vow was to love, honor, and obey.
EMBARASSMENT, SHAME, GUILT: She doesn’t want her family to find out…If her family likes him, they may not believe her or they might blame her…If she is the wife of a prominent citizen she may worry about how the publicity will effect his reputation, career, and whether people will believe her.
FEELS RESPONSIBLE: She doesn’t know anyone else being beaten, so she must be doing something wrong…She believes what her abusive partner says that somehow it’s all her "fault", therefore he had to beat her.
SURVIVAL IS ALL SHE THINKS ABOUT: All her energy and thoughts are focused on surviving…Formulating a plan to leave is overwhelming…Trauma is similar to that of a prisoner of war who is reduced to the level of mere existence and survival.
HAS NO PLACE TO GO: She may not know about shelters or lack transportation…She has worn out her welcome at mom’s, sister’s, etc.
ECONOMIC DEPENDENCE: Many batterers have strict control over the purse strings…Husband convinces her that she will not receive any child support if she "abandons" the family…Over 50% of victims have no marketable skills…Feels she can endure beatings so that children have more financial advantages.
[An IMPORTANT and too-often-overlooked detail as regards Verbal/Emotional abuse: You can have someone arrested for physical violence; There is no way to legally stop, limit or punish someone who abuses with words]
From Houston police: http://www.houstontx. gov /police/fvu_leave.htm
First of all, many women do leave. Battered women are not passive victims who merely accept the abuse. They are constantly working to stop the violence, and to protect their children from its direct or indirect effects. Sometimes battered women deny or minimize psychological impact of the abuse.
The fact that a battered woman stays with an abuser may reflect the fact that our society has not made it clear that battering is unacceptable, and has not provided sufficient support for the victims of violence to be able to leave.
A woman often stays because, at least in the early stages of the battering, she sincerely hopes that her partner will change, and that the battering will stop.
When it becomes clear that this is not going to happen, she may well try to leave or get help. Her partner may threaten her with even more violence or other hurtful actions if she leaves - and she knows that her partner is capable of carrying out these threats. Many batterers threaten to get a court order for custody of the children if she leaves.
From: http://www. helpingspiritlodge. org/violence.htm#why
There are lots of reasons that it can be difficult to get out of a violent relationship. A batterer doesn't usually start hitting his wife or girlfriend out of the blue -- it usually starts after a history of verbal and emotional abuse: insulting her and chipping away at her sense of self-worth. Typically, by the time the physical violence begins, her self-esteem is seriously damaged. Usually, violence isn't constant but comes in cycles, with a "honeymoon" period after the violent episode when the batterer says that he's sorry and that it will never happen again. The victim might really love her partner -- she probably just wants the violence to end, not the whole relationship. She may also think that she can change him.
And there are other factors as well: the victim may fear for her life. She may have financial worries, and fear for the safety of her children.
It takes a lot of courage to end any relationship. If there's violence involved, it can take a whole lot more.
From: http:// www. endabuse. org/qabanners/qadaily/index.php3?Question=17
It's a wonder why we always ask, "Why doesn't she leave?" Instead, we should be asking more appropriate questions such as, "Why does he think it is okay to abuse her and why does our society continue to allow this to happen?"
Myth: The victim can always walk away from the relationship.
Truth: Victims usually do not have any place to go where they will be safe from the abuser. Because of the ongoing history of the abusive relationship, the abuser knows all of the victim’s options and can follow the victim there. Sometimes it’s safer for the victim to stay with the abuser for the time being than try to escape.
From: http://www. ewu. edu /x36674.xml
If that isn't enough, just g00gle the following:
+"why doesn't she leave?" = 601 hits
+"why doesn't she leave" +abuse = 327 hits
+"why doesn't she leave?" +abuse verbal emotional = 57 hits
Just educate yourself, people, the info is out there. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/13/2006 10:04:34 AM |  <-- I am the face of serious abuse.. not by my current partner
I stayed for 3 years as I was a single mother and afraid for my son, and the rest of my family.
I tried to seek out help from people, and groups.... it was easier for them to just ignore what was happening to me and give me the run around of chasing them for help when I was TRAPPED and limited with time away from him. He also had people watching me.
Now he did not live with me, but he tried to control every aspect of my life, my health was also quite poor.
Now the time came when he tried to kill me.. and guess what they did not charge him.. I was black and blue, with chunks of flesh missing strangled but no broken bones....
Now he then tried to kill me again, and this time the hospital stepped up to the plate .. I guess the rest listened because my bones had to be re-set, and the black marks on my back and throat would not fade this time... they finally knew I was surly going to die.
Now he is out on bail and awaiting trial.... am I safe? is my family safe.. NO.. If I could keep them 100% safe I would be with him again because I do not value my life above my child's.
I hope you read this and understand how I feel. It is my duty as a mother to provide shelter and a safe living environment for my son. This entire event has devastated me financially, as well as emotionally and physically.... and it is still not over a trial.. re-living the nightmares, while the ABUSER is free...
AND SOME have the nerve to say.. OOOOO why did she just not leave? Easy to say... not easy to do.
I even had one lady tell me... it was my own fault.. yeah she claimed she was a friend whom was abused by her former partner..can you say she is NUT CASE? No she did not have children and never worried about where her hat would be layed.
Take the time to really listen to a heart going through this… you may be able to save another’s life.
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/13/2006 10:20:07 AM | | Most people here have hit the nail on the head, low self esteem is learned behaviour from childhood where there is no other influence to draw from and therefore assume it's acceptable to be subjected to abuse. For most, I think, it's almost impossible to recognise it on one's own and for many, they will spend a lifetime being treated the way they were "made" to feel. Human beings are funny creatures in that they gravitate to what they have learned even if it's not good for them. It's not the right way to be treated, but it's something they are familiar with. Fortunately, there seems to be an increasing awareness of this. | |
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kame
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Joined: 4/7/2006
Msg: 19 | |
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/13/2006 10:51:49 AM | Shallyjean:
What a nightmare ,you wonder why they even let these guys out on bail while awaiting trial,no one should have to go threw what you have,just stay safe and take care. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/13/2006 11:12:22 AM | TOTALLY AGREE with the reasons that LaReina gave.
You keep hoping things will get better.
He apologizes and you believe.
It's easier to stay together.
It's what you are used to hearing...from parents, siblings, etc.
It's what your mother got from your dad and she put up with it.
It's one of those vicious cycles.
You absolutely must have a man no matter what.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh.... why is life such a b*tch? | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 8/26/2006 8:22:38 AM | I am in a abusive relationship now ,I am tring to get out, he follows me to school,and harrasses me,I do not have another place to live so i feel i am stuck here,sometimes hes really nice to me and makes me think he will change,when he beats me and calls me names he always says hes sorry,and i know hes not,theres not alot of help where i live,i am not afraid of being a single parent,i raised my beautiful daughter on my own,i never married her dad,he was very abusive also and i left the state to get away.this situation is diffrent,i dont have money of my own,i am finishing up nursing school,so i can make a better life for my daughter and I alone!!! but i dont know what to do for now,one of us is going to end up dead,C.S.I. Investigations might be knocking at my door.
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 8/26/2006 10:46:46 AM | ^^^ thinking there is nothing you can do is just in your head and a state of mind. There are actually quite a few resources out there for women suffering abusive relationships. Even temporary shelters until they can get on their feet. But first you have to make the decision whether or not you going to be a victim anymore. If you continue to think like a victim, you'll always be a victim.
I hate to point this out, but why are you on a dating site if you are in an abusive relationship? You need help or you wouldn't be in the situation in the first place. Are you looking for someone new to take his spot? That is a dependent personality and one easily abused.
I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years. We were friends for 5 years before that and he wasn't like that. I kept thinking (and he kept telling me) he was going through a ruff time and it would change.
Even now after years of councelling and self-help, I still see that underneath there lurks the monster ready to jump out if crisis were to hit him again. I would be the one who suffered the wrath of his anger, no one else.
In front of other people he was Mr. Charming. I lived for those moments. The moment we would start getting close emotionally though he'd start getting emotionally abusive towards me. For a long time I stayed out of loyalty to our friendship. I sincerely thought I could help him through this ruff time. He said he felt suicidal too. Plus there was one point when he was freaking out he asked me if he should be put in a mental hospital for assessment. I honestly was at a loss what to do with him so thought it might actually not be a bad idea to have him go and be assessed. It was a test...I failed.
He'd even badger me into staying in the bedroom when company came over. I swear I'm not normally like this but he got me at a time when I was coming out of a long term relationship and was a mess mentally. He beat my self-esteem down with constant criticism. It got to the point where, when friends came over, I would automatically go to the bedroom rather than face his aggravation with me over something I would inevitably do to annoy him in front of his friends.
I kept hoping this was a phase he was going through and that when he got better that he would start treating me right like he would do sporatically. He would hold me and give me emotional support sometimes in a way no man had ever given it to me before. The times he would expend this kind of effort on me though kept getting smaller while the monster side kept getting bigger.
Then I started to realize that I was the reason he was having the ruff time. He wouldn't be going through all this drama if he didn't have me in his life to take it out on. They get some sick sense of empowerment or something from it.
Its also a pretty big ego blow when you realize you fell in love only with what he wished you to see, not who he really was. Its like this feeling of betrayal that I can't describe. You feel guilty and hard on yourself for being so fooled.
Any guy that thinks women like this stuff need their head examined. Yes, some women are victims because they set themselves up for it. Many women though, get in these relationships at times when they are going through emotionally stress. These types of guys swoop in and act like Mr. Right. They prey on us. If they acted like asses from the get go, they would not have got their foot in the door.
P.S. They also don't let us leave that easily. They can be extremely persistent. My ex was calling me for 6 months before I'd finally respond and speak to him. Then he'd try his tricks and we would speak for months again. He would never give up trying to contact me though. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 8/26/2006 11:54:54 AM | no self = no boundaries ...
some things are familiar and "feel" better than the unknown...even abuse
water seeks its own level.... i will only be treated the way i believe that i deserve to be treated...
if i stay i am getting some need met ... perhaps i like the attention when i go off on the ... "poor me" syndrome???
interesting... my son lived in another city for a short time... he was amazed, saddened, and curious as to why he only met girls who wanted to be treated "badly" ... as soon as he showed that he is a gentleman... they dumped him
sad ... very very sad | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 8/26/2006 1:25:58 PM | I've been there and done that...and was there for about 18 years.. not all abusive.
To answer the question.. there is many facets to it:
1. Is there love in an abusive relationship or is it the idea of love/infatuation? I sure don't think its love. How would a relationship like that be symbolic or represent love... part of love is respect.
2. It takes 2 to tango.. or so I think.. it takes an abuser and an abusee.
3. There are many levels of abuse and as long as the abusee stays and doesn't find her own footing in life away from the abuser, the abuse will escalate (almost always). Abuse follows a cycle the same as an addiction (excalation, makeup, honeymoon periods) and it does literally go around in a never ending cycle until one of them stops it. The only way it stops is the abuser gets help, the abusee gets help, or one of them dies.
4. Why does she stay.. there are many answers to this and it would depend upon her characteristics, personality, independence, self-respect, etc. She may feel compelled to be with him, she may not feel strong enough to get out, she may not realize exactly what is happening regardless of how many people try to explain it.. women like this are blinded by their obligation to the guy and to be there waiting for the next 'honeymoon' period of when he treats her right.. and with the hope that it lasts forever next time (which it never does).
5. In order for an abuser to continue to abuse..at any level... the abuser has to have a target/victim and vice versa.
For myself, when 'the' relationship began it was close to normal, then I started seeing the red flags that he was violent toward others and liked to 'play the role'. When he had no one else to play his role out on .. initially it was verbally.. he directed it onto me... on and on the story goes and escalates to mind-boggling proportions.
After 13 years I found myself in a relationship that was on-again, off-again for the next 5 years and didn't know how to end it for once and for all. Through my 5 year struggle (and I am not saying I am completely innocent of asking him to come back.. but it was not all me neither) we were caught in the cycle and in that cycle it served a purpose.. it allowed me the opportunity to become very sick and tired of being treated various ways and having to be 'his welcoming mat', it allowed me to learn and gain the strength of acknowleding exactly what I wanted and needed and desired in life.. and what not. In the process of the whole scheme I 'lost' myself and couldn't think of myself independent of him.. as if I was a part of him (which is really sick I know) and because of it.. literally thought I would die without him. It took a couple of attempts on my life and a very long criminal and family law battle to break my ties. After we finally broke up for the last time.. the violence escalated even more.. which resulted in some major changes which I know I could have only made.. I moved far away, pursued the criminal matters via court by showing up and stopped feeling sorry for him.. and felt for my own position and started considering myself first and foremost.
My move far away was the best thing I could have ever done and my only regret was that I didn't do it years and years ago.. but then again, I gained a lot of knowledge in the last couple years of the abuse and without it.. I wouldn't be where I am today, enjoying life as much as I do, and have the strength, willpower and preserverance to do it and succeed.
There is one saying that I heard about 1 1/2 years ago.. when I moved away to start my life anew.. "The sweetest revenge is their knowing that you have succeeded without them". And it is soooooo true. My ex's life has continued on its downward spiral without me which is just fine.. nothing I can and would do to stop it... and my life has done nothing but improve constantly and in leaps and bounds at every level.
P.S... Now I know the red flags, know what I want and need in life.. and NOT willing to relive and redo past mistakes. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 8/26/2006 1:31:21 PM | | They lose their self-esteem simple as!! When they get rid of the abusive person it will return, sometimes is from having a parent who knocked their esteem as a child, hence they dont realise whats happening till they get sucked in.x | |
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