Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > He got scared!      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 SpanishTulip
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 1
He got scared!Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
My boyfriend ended our relationship so abruptly over the phone about 3 weeks ago with very little explanation as to "WHY?".

We got together last night for the 1st time since the breakup at a coffee shop. He told me the real reason why he ended things. He said that when he first met me, he liked me, but he never expected to really fall for me to the point that he had really strong feelings for me, that he got scared...really scared. The last time he had these feelings were with his long-term relationship with his ex (the mother of his 2 year old daughter) and he got scared.

He told me that I was really nice to him, and that he enjoyed all the times we spend together. However, he got scared. He's scared to commit. So, he decided to end things.

I don't get it. Why stop a relationship when it is going so good? Just because you had a bad experience in your past does not mean that it will happen again. Every person is different.

Yes, I still have feelings for this guy. I just wished I could do something about him being scared?

Any comments / inputs?
 Coastergal
Joined: 7/24/2005
Msg: 2
view profile
History
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 7:20:39 AM
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do..... then to be yourself.

I had the same thing happen. Met a great guy.... we got along so well and we were so comfortable with one another. He told me I made him really happy... then things just changed... He told me he got scared. When they get scared... it just seems to end. We can't do anything about someone's past or the baggage they carry around.

I feel like... if they are REALLY into us... the would get past the whole scared issue.........
so something must be missing.... even though it can feel so right!

It sux cuz someone like that doesn't come around often!
 LunaLover
Joined: 2/24/2006
Msg: 3
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 7:21:44 AM
Some people want to push you away before it happens to them. They don't want to get hurt so they do the hurting instead.
Luna
 SpanishTulip
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 4
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 7:26:51 AM
Yes, it does suck! And you're right, someone like that doesn't come around so often. We got along so well, and we still do.
 Xtype
Joined: 7/6/2006
Msg: 5
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 7:27:03 AM
Have to agree with Lunalover there.
Maybe he's been hurt so many times himslef in the past, that in his mind - this was his way of getting equal so to speak.
May not be that, just a possibility?
 Scheherrazade
Joined: 11/5/2005
Msg: 6
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 7:38:30 AM
Its always painful when that happens but the worst part is the feeling of helplessness and not being able to control the situation. No matter what he says about being scared, not wanting to commit or taking all the blame on himself, you are only hearing a partial truth. Men never want to hurt your feelings or make themselves look bad, so they give you platitudes and excuses. When men are with you they say exactly what they think you want to hear, and then when they are ready to end it, its easier for them to say its their fears stopping them from committing. That way you have no defense against it. You have no control and you have no one to blame.

When a man plays those kind of words games on you, just move on. Men have two modes, all or nothing. They are either dancing around playing headgames till something else comes along, or they are totally hooked and you can't beat them off with a stick. When the right guy comes along and falls for you, you won't be asking all these questions because he will have no problem convinicing you that you are the one and only for him.
 Mr.Flintstone
Joined: 7/6/2006
Msg: 7
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 7:45:00 AM
Sounds like he needs to grow up.
 athletic_funny3
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 8
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 7:46:00 AM
Women will believe anything. "I'm scared" is line number 234 in a long list of lies used to break up with someone. Ask yourself if you had deep feelings for someone would you be scared to commit to them. The answer is ALWAYS "NO I wouldn't be scared"

That is NOT the reason he ended the relationship. He is just feeding you this line so he does not come off as a jerk by breaking up with you. He thinks he is letting you down gentley but he is playing with your head.

Sorry but it's a line he's feeding you. YOu will see him committed to someone else in no time.
 madamoisele
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 9
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 8:05:21 AM
Dear Ms. Tulip,

I recommend the non-chalant shrug of the shoulders, followed by an apathetic, "Oh well. So, see any good movies lately?"

Men tend to want what they can't have. Be less available. If he's going to yank your chain, unclip yourself so he draws back nothing.

Best Wishes,

Wendy
 grungelives
Joined: 1/23/2006
Msg: 10
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 8:20:13 AM
Just stop feeling for him and move on, it pisses me off how people obsess over exes and don't even try to look for, shall I say, better ground.
 smart_and_sexy
Joined: 7/1/2006
Msg: 11
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 8:24:37 AM
Poor Excuse!!!

Not to sound negative,,because I am usually not,,,,but,,
I've had this said to me before,,,,
A close friend of mine went through it a month ago,,,,

he was scared,,,,yeah,,lol,,,we all are!!! but we take the risk if it is worth it,,

probbaly realized after he had his fun that you might of been worth a second try,,,
maybe he wasnt ready for a committment,,,as you said,,,he said he wasnt prepared to fall for you as he did,,,

i don't waste my time on men who are indecisive, immature, and don't know what they want.

sounds like he fits all three,,,just my opinion is all...

i would move on,,,,,2 years into a relationship, three kids and a mortgage later,,,,he may get 'scared" again,,,no thanks!
 LaReina63
Joined: 1/4/2006
Msg: 12
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 8:25:40 AM
TRUE LOVE ..... does not fear.
 Poet102781
Joined: 8/22/2005
Msg: 13
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 8:26:38 AM
It sounds to me like you had a girlfriend, instead of a boyfriend...because a real man knows when he has something good, he has to hold on to it no matter what.
 LunaLover
Joined: 2/24/2006
Msg: 14
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 8:29:56 AM
Maybe he wasn't scared at all. This could have just been an excuse that he's not as into you as he thought he was in the beginning. Move on and hope to find better next time!
Luna
 Wild Artist
Joined: 5/10/2005
Msg: 15
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 8:42:14 AM
What's he afraid of? That it will work out and you two will be happy? Because he can't be afraid it won't work out, he ended it.

It's just a line to let you down easy, yet keep you close, incase he can't find anything better. Then he can then come back to you, and you will be so proud of him for facing his fear.
 RedBloodedLady
Joined: 6/21/2006
Msg: 16
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 8:43:05 AM
When a man runs scared you can't hold him down.
He will look for fun all his life - maybe you might find he hasn't forgiven himself for his break up with his ex.
It is easy to play at having fun, but to let some one under your skin so to speak you have to commit - sounds like he is incapable of doing this.
 iris37
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 17
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 8:50:52 AM
I always find it quite funny that men/woman put out their wish list of what they would like in a partner and then bang she/he actually shows up and they don't know what to do with her/him.....
Its true guys do get scared you will have to cut him loose and let him be he needs time to miss you and realize what he has given up. You may get a second chance if things didn't end to badly he may still come around.....just the next time tread a little more gingerly.If he does come back let him set the pace and you be a little less available
Men need to go their cave and work it through their own mind.
Hang in there but don't wait around for him...
 SpanishTulip
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 18
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 8:58:41 AM
Iris37,

Things didn't end badly and I could tell from my last conversation with him that his feelings for me were geniune. I plan to do what you suggested, but no, I am not going to wait for him.
 athletic_funny3
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 19
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 9:30:41 AM
If his feelings were genuine he wouldn't be leaving.

He is lieing to get out of this relationship. I'd rather someone tell me "It's not working for them" than to feed me this line of BS.
 icon
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 20
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 10:13:10 AM
How over is it?
His last relationship was very powerful - the fear he feels is part of
healing - like being in an accident and facing the beginning of the same adventure that led
to the accident - it means his feelings were truly progressing with you and some post traumatic stress was creeping in - Have you ever been on a ride or being pushed or doing something exciting and it becomes too scary? What do you do/want? You want it to slow down - you want to have more control and develop security, safety and confidence - you want your trust/security to keep pace with the adventure -
If he is being genuine be open to his process - share yours with him - work together affording space trust etc.
He may not be ready for the relationship that you are developing - if you like him enough be his friend and negotiate a relationship that you can have now within the context of the future you want to have together.
 Darklight31
Joined: 4/19/2006
Msg: 21
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 10:27:22 AM
have to go with the guy that said he was feeding you a line. honestly, he's just not that into you. there's a whole book on the subject, conveniently titled "He's Just Not That Into You". if he was, he wouldn't break up with you. as simple as that. scared is an excuse. it is often the subject of my self-serving blogs.

it sucks majorly, and the exact same thing happened to me recently. met a guy here that i was totally into and he claimed to be into me. we talked on the phone extensively, emailed, online chatted, met once, then more phone calls, emails, online chatting. then, after our second actual date he said "i like you, but i'm not ready for a relationship". pfft. to which i replied "then you're just not that into me". he argued that he was, but since then, i've had one email from him, then nothing else. so there it is.

i would totally see him again if he called because i really, really liked him, and still do. i really thought there was something there. but there isn't, as much as i would like to make excuses for him just to make myself feel better.
 keepingit
Joined: 3/10/2006
Msg: 22
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 10:44:49 AM
I have a comment here. You know....That scared to commit stuff is really lame. Just like when a woman says to some guy "I need to go find myself."

It means the same thing. I like you but you are not it. I know of two instances where a guy said that and within a year was married to another woman or in a live together relationship.

I want you girls to STOP saying the "scared to commit" line. It's not valid. Never has been. Never will be.

There.....you now have the truth.
 Sexynaturelle
Joined: 4/3/2006
Msg: 23
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 10:45:56 AM
Give it time, with fingers crossed - I used to be in his shoe, guess I am still - somehow, there's nothing you can do but be friends - he has to grow out of it by himself...
 Diggy03
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 24
view profile
History
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 10:49:04 AM
In all honsety he wasn't all that into you. Sorry...

And I doubt he was entirely over the ex.

I say.. stop wasting your time psychoanalyzing this to death as you are running around in circles making your head spin over nothing.

Gab a few of your close friends and do something fun.. get your mind off of this guy. Life goes on. The time you are wasting banging your head against that wall is time you could be spending out in the world allowing "Mr. Right" to find you.

Good Luck!!!
 athletic_funny3
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 25
He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 10:52:17 AM
IRis 37

No it's not true that guys get scared. This is just a line they feed you. Believe me every one I know has been acused of this fear of commitment BS and all of these guys have commited to women at one time or are currently commited to a women.

In this case the guy is lieing. But in many cases women use it as an excuse to make themselves feel better about being dumped. They place the blame on the man rather than face the reasons he is not interested.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > He got scared!