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Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 1 | |
| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 9:26:20 AM | This is something I'm currently dealing with - Over the weekend one of my ex girlfriends (drunk at the time, but so was everyone else) was at a small house party, and ended up getting raped by two friends of the host. I'm trying to convince her to go to the cops, but it's taking all of my self-restraint and willpower to not start hunting these scumbags down.. I'm LIVID over here, feeling a level of anger and hatred I haven't felt in over a decade, and I don't like it one bit. Compared to her problems though, I realize it's nothing.
I realize that technically it's not "my" problem. But this girl trusts me enough to confide this in me (her bf doesn't know, her parents don't know..), and as such it becomes my problem. I despise the fact that someone I care about is in so much pain, and that these two jerkoffs might get away with it.
Meh, I guess I needed to vent - but has anyone been in a similar situation, and how did you deal with it?
EDIT: For the record, I am giving her all the support that she needs, and while expressing my anger at the situation (NOT at her), I'm suppressing it when I talk to her and just helping her sort out her problems | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 9:30:27 AM | | It's too late for her to report it now. She has probably showered and the "evidence" is gone. It will be her word against theirs and she was drunk. It's really an awful, awful thing but in the end you can just be her support and friend. She has to make the decision because if she gets involved in the justice system there is no guarantee she will get justice and could just end up having her name dragged through the mud. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 9:37:19 AM |
I realize that technically it's not "my" problem.
I disagree with you. When a woman gets raped or a child gets molested it's everyone's problem. It could be anyone of us next. It's great that you are giving her support and being there for her. Don't go do anything to get yourself locked up. I'd still have her go to the doc and get a sample. There may be some left in her vagina. Get the DNA and decide what to do next. Some host to a party! What jerks. You can always post flyers around where they live. I know a girl that did that once. It's not going to help your friend but at least people stayed away from these guys after these were posted. They actually ended up moving out of the state.
Good Luck
Luna | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 9:42:12 AM | It's harder to prove without physical evidence, but not impossible, especially if there were other people at the party.
Honestly, having been there, the police report and all the accompanying legal action isn't even about "justice," because sometimes you don't win. It's about standing up and saying, "This is not ok." And it isn't something you do for anyone else. It's something you do for YOURSELF, to show the now-damaged part of you that you don't have to stay damaged. Often, it's the first step in the healing process, because just by filing the report, you admit to yourself that it's not your fault, that you can fight back, that you should be treated with dignity. It's never easy, but I've known more than a few women who've been through it, and the ones who reported it rarely ended up regretting it. The ones who didn't seemed to struggle more down the line.
That said . . . there really isn't anything you can do, other than hold her hand. All of the decisions are hers to make, and although you can point out the pros and cons of each, I wouldn't push her toward either one. It has to be something she does for herself, not because someone else wants her to (even though your intentions are good). So just keep doing what you're doing, although I know it's the hardest thing to do.
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 9:42:43 AM | the question is are you a social worker? if not, then why do you care? No offense, but you honestly do not have to do a thing for her since she is your ex. It sounds like you are getting taken advantage of. She needs to take this to her BF and the COPS. She sure is inconsiderate of YOUR feelings huh guy? She would rather dump all her crap on you so she can keep things fresh with her current bf, but who gives a crap about your comfort level?
My advice, wake up...smell the coffee and tell her to tell her current bf or family. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 9:47:34 AM | | ^^^ geez have you never heard of being sensitive to another human being's plight? Rape is a violent act...if someone beat you up and you told a friend...are you being insensitive to your friend? No...you are hoping your friend will sympathize and "be a friend" to you. | |
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Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 7 | |
| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 9:54:06 AM | Along with a degree in Graphic Design and another in Comp Sci., I started off with a Psych. degree.
So yes, I am somewhat qualified. natch. But that's besides the point.
She may be an ex, but we were friends long before we started dating, and since. We tried the romantic thing and it didn't work. My parents consider her part of the family. Considering I've repeatedly told her that if she ever needs anything to lean on me, I'm glad she did. She's done MORE than enough for me, both in and out of our relationship. The reason she's not telling her family/bf is because she feels so ashamed - she will eventually, I'm sure of it. She's just comfortable enough with me because we've known each other so long that she felt she could tell me.
As for the previous poster mentioning it's her decision - I'm not trying to sway it either way - I told her I'd support her no matter what, but I am offering pros and cons. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 9:55:14 AM | I feel for the victim, but I also feel for the guy going through all this crap. So it is ok for the guy to get all this crap on him from his "ex"? He needs to realize what is going on and get her to deal with it with the people who should be dealing with it. Or he can keep getting kicked around. Being supportive and being a chump are two different things.
If you want to be supportive...get her to tell her CURRENT bf and the COPS. Stop being her trash can. Or you can be her trash can and go through all this emotional pain when it should be directed somewhere else.
"There are no victims, only volunteers!"
squirrly_1 I respect your opinion, but do not agree. The OP can do whatever he wants, but when emotions are involved...people do strange things. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 10:02:12 AM | It's not too late to report it! She needs to get the ball rolling. If you can convince her to do so fine, if not, don't push her. She needs your support as someone she obviously trusts and cares about a lot more than anything else right now. Listen to her and try not to offer corrective suggestions unless she asks you for them. The exception being a light urging that she really should make an effort to report this. As for the two guys, see first what happens when legal measures are taken. Responding in rage ( no matter how well intentioned ) will only land you in trouble.
See what time brings to the forefront. Barring that, send me an e-mail. I used to teach basic rape prevention and awareness techniques to women years ago. There are positive actions that can be taken both for her peice of mind and for yours. This is a very hard subject. It affects 1 in every 3 women in the US statistically. Either through forced or coerced sex, or date rape, spousal rape, sexual abuse, etc. It is something that everyone needs to be willing to support eachother on and willing to confront and fight if it is to be curbed and the legal message sent loud and clear to offenders. These people must be stopped and inaction only empowers them to become repeat offenders.
If you want further advice e-mail me. Otherwise good luck with everything, be patient with her to help her through it, and do not act in rage or anger. Be smart! Best of luck to you and more importantly to her with this horrible situation.
- Erik - | |
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Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 10 | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 10:06:28 AM | I am sorrry bond but I can't say the same for yours.
She IS a victim....she can however make the decision NOT to remain one. She didn't volunteer to be raped! Otherwise it's not rape. Give your head a shake. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 10:09:50 AM | Well, this is likley not going to be a popular reply, but honest is honest.
Unless you SAW the violent act take place, can you trust what you know on hearsay? Did she perhaps get a little too drunk and start feeling it would be cool to do two guys at once and is now ashamed to tell you that it was all consensual because you might think less of her?
As far as her worrying that you'd be mad at HER, why would you be mad at her? Even if it ws consensual, she is your EX. It's not like she cheated on you. Nobody violated your trust.
I'd find out more of the story before I believe an accusation as serious as rape. There is a huge amount of space between "talked me into doing something I wouldn't have done if I wasn't drunk" and rape. If it was truly against her will, it doesn't matter who reports it as long as somebody does. You would be taking 2 criminals off the street. It would be extremely difficult to prove in court though. Even a bad lawyer would hammer on the drinking thing and point out to the jury that the testimony of wintnesses who were also drinking and possibly drunk does not hold much merit.
Whatever you do, don't be Dirty Harry and end up in jail for assault. It won't do anything but make you feel better briefly, about until the first time another inmate punks you in the cornhole. Basically this is her matter, and from your original post you are assuming things based on her version. I'd bet you a buck the guys have a much different version of the story, so where are you?
I was once charged (and cleared) of a rape charge. The girl called me to ask if she could come over, drove to my house in her car, rang the bell and asked for entrance, started the whole thing and was on top. Then 6 weeks later she turns up pregnant (Not mine. Vasectomy several years earlier.), tries to blame me and cries "rape". All because she liked me better than the guy who actually knocked her up and wanted me to be the father instead of him.
And that kind of story is the exact reason why a lot of rape charges are dismissed as just a scorned woman being vindictive.
That kid is now 22, so it was a while back, and society has changed a bit since then. What constitutes rape now is much more loosely interpreted, a change made to stop the frivolous charges. Rape is a serious crime and shouldn't be used as a tool for revenge. | |
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*KD*
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Joined: 7/18/2006
Msg: 15 | |
| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 10:11:03 AM | My ex-wife was raped, or at least claimed to be. She said she was at a bar and some guys took her home. Anyways, she ended up going to the police and to the hospital but in the end the guys got off because they claimed it was mutual and she was drunk.
I think it was horrible what happened to her but she lived a promiscous lifestyle and people look at that when determining sexual assault. If she was at a church meeting and that happened her story would have more merit, but she was at a bar and drunk, hanging out with guys she didnt know or barely knew.
It's the story of life where if you live a boring life and dont date or barely do so, you tend to not have these issues. Even if it happens, your story is more believable. If you go clubbing and have one night stands you tend to put yourself in more of a position to have things like that happen and it also takes away credibility. It's not right but what can you do?
The endless moral consequences and why we cant have our cake and eat it to. If you dont want to put yourself at risk, dont be a target. Protect yourself and your life and all that stuff. I would also question why she has not gone to her current B/F and family. I personally would tell her to do that and then go from there. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 10:11:42 AM | | I guess you can only support her in what she wants to do about it. But document all evidence you can think of .. time , dates, when she told you, location, decriptions etc. just in case she gets up the nerve to file charges. The longer she waits the less likely her charges will stick. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 10:16:47 AM | | Having been through court for a rape trial myself I understand the feelings of shame and wanting to hide, I spent over a year in court and he was found not guilty, which make sit even harder and he confessed, only problem was it was thrown out because he started spilling to the cops as soon as they found him and before they could even read him his rights, in the end though it was worth it just to put him out there and let him know I was not going to give in and it was my friends who supported me and my friends I leaned on, not because I was selfish but because when you have friends who are close like family they become your comfort and you know you can go to them without being judged, it is not always easy to go to your s/o if you have one because you nevr know how they will react and there are alot of men out there who can not deal with it and it ruins the relationship, but eventually she will have to get past that fear and do something for herself, whether it be going to the police or her bf and family. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 10:27:05 AM | find the guys... get em to attack you .. call the cops.. get them into jail and hopfuly .. they will get raped... hehehe..
oh hell just interduce mr fist... or have your foot say a nice loud hard hello to their a*ses | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 10:28:10 AM | What are the exact details? Did she have drunk sex with two guys and regretted it in the morning and then called it rape?
Sounds like she cheated since she won't/didn't tell her current bf.
That sounds like it to me...why wasnt her bf with her at the party? Wouldnt a woman in love want to show off her love to everyone at the party? Of course she would...
Why not act like a detective and figure out the facts everyone BEFORE assuming she is telling the whole truth. If people told the truth all the time then there would be no need for lawyers! yay! Like that is going to happen...
and OP...you wanted opinions and I gave you mine and gave you options. Taking it to personal insults was not called for. Here is something for you to stew over while you are in all this pain
"When you are in pain, God is letting you know you are doing something wrong!"
You are too into it emotionally to see things from the outside like myself and others who are trying to help you are. Not to mention you do not know who has been in your shoes and who is speaking from experience. The decision is yours to make, but you can refer back to my quote which seemed to get you upset for whatever reason. I have been where you are and see it all around me everyday. If you want to get  then go right ahead. You are welcome for the objective advice. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 10:30:26 AM | ^^^ see this is the reason women don't report rape. Did ever occur to you that IF she had drunken sex which she regretted...she could have kept it to herself and told no one??
edit: I know mjlmcd..very weird.
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 10:32:41 AM |
see this is the reason women don't report rape. Did ever occur to you that IF she had drunken sex which she regretted...she could have kept it to herself and told no one??
Amen, sister.
Off topic: There sure are a lot of rape threads this morning . . . weird. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 10:45:23 AM | The most common reason for crime rapes to go away unknown is becasue the raped woman
don't do nothing about it. Psycologically she is already a mess and is not easy to stand up
and make public her humilliation in hospitals, police station, court, newspapers, workplace,
neigborhood... More than once a burden to carry out by herself because the extension to the people she loves, family mostly. The worst, sometimes, is to face the rejection of the
love patner.
In the same way that lawyers will crucify her attacking hers character flaws (drinking) or
looking for anything to make her at fault, rather than the victim can happen that his b/f has the same insensible reaction of previous poster and decide "It's not my problem, stay away".
So... what she get?
Glad she is not alone in this and can count on you. Your biggest problem will be to stay calm
and keep you head clear because you are the only thing at this moment she trusts.
Get more involved if you like but keep the distance. As previous b/f you may spark jealousy
for the new one and the last that she needs now are more emotionall problems.
Convince her for a check out with a doctor and again within six months. I think time already
is too long for evidence. I'm confident enough you will be able to handle this situation with the right balance for her but you are not a profesional. Insist her to get counseling.
And be proud of yourself. I am. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 11:10:29 AM | a very similar thing happened to me...but it was the host, who was a coworker of mine, who did the raping. a bunch of us had been drinkin at the restaurant we worked at all night (bosses were away) and then to a bar after drinkin more, then to his place. i ended up throwing up a good 7 times on his patio and practically passing out. everyone left after awhile, but in the shape i was in i didn't want to move. I knew the guy, trusted him, so passed out on the floor of his living room, head by the patio door for fresh air. i'm not going to go into details, but he raped me.
i was one of those girls who did the scrub your body til you're almost bleeding thing to try to rid myself of the dirty, violated feeling i had. i went to the police 2 days after it happened and reported it. of course, there was no evidence. and crown council decided they couldn't charge him. that was another ordeal entirely.
while he may not get convicted, let alone even charged, it's still worthwhile, in my opinion, to report it. their names will be on file, in case anyone else reports something similar. the police also have a wonderful victims services section, which hooked me up with councelling. through them, filing a different report (more just a letter detailing the rape), months later i was reimbursed for my councelling costs, the cost of the sleeping pills I was prescribed (couldn't sleep without them for months) and actually given a sum of money for "pain and distress" or something of the sort.
my friends, like the original poster here, had some phenomenally disgusting ways in which they wanted to punish my rapist. but i didn't let them, for i didn't want them to get in trouble. i didn't even tell my brother for years (this happened 8 years ago) because i knew he'd kill the guy.
the best thing you can do, which you are clearly doing, is be there for her. I had to talk about it time and again...sometimes i'd be fine, others it would just hit me. and my friends, thankfully, were loving and kind and patient, and listened to the same things come out of my mouth time and time again, just cause i had to get it out.
please, please encourage her to seek counselling. and to tell her family and bf. i wish her the best.
she'll never forget what happened. but she can choose to not let these sick f*cks further hurt her...she can choose to live a happy life. mourn and cry and hurt when she has to, but also make the effort to move on and take control. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 11:14:48 AM | "When you are in pain, God is letting you know you are doing something wrong!"
that is the most ridiculous load of crap i've ever read in my life. so anyone, at anytime, at any age...when they feel pain it is because they've done something wrong???
if I were to list all the cases in which this were untrue i'd be here writing til the year 5174.
you, sir, are an embarrassment to the human race. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 11:30:59 AM | she'll never forget what happened.
You are all accepting that this really happened before the facts are presented. If she consented to do a threesome, she will probably WANT to remember what happened.
As far as feeling shame ...... huh? If a woman is raped she is a victim of a violent crime. Do you feel shame if you are robbed, shot.....?
I remember when society used to be ashamed of epileptics too.....
The vigilante responses are just childish and stupid. Beat his ass? Why? That going to unrape the girl? Bruises will heal in a week. 20 years in a jail cell takes 20 years.
Your brother would have killed him? And spent his life in prison. That a good trade for you? A modicum of revenge in exchange for your brother's freedom?
Times like this call for calm and rational thinking, not impulsive displays of temper.
Better plan of attack is to be responsible about drinking and don't get so drunk that you are no longer in control.
Women don't asked to be raped, but they CAN avoid situations where it could happen. Nobody should live in a bubble but can you drink without losing control? Can't you go out and have fun without being drunk? Stay behind with a bunch of guys when you are too drunk to think? Don't do that. Of course, by then you are too drunk to think about not getting too drunk to do that....
Get the facts, and if they did it, call the police. She should hold her head up high, testify against her assilants, and feel no shame, as she was a victim.
Now I will see 35 responses about how easy it is for me to say that because I am male.....
Women who have consensual sex 5 times a week with different men seem to feel no shame, and they choose to have that sex. Why would being the victim of a violent crime cause shame?
One man here was convicted of rape because in the process of a "run by robbery" he knocked her to the ground. He ran past, took her purse, and was convicted of rape. THAT is why there's a jaded eye in these cases. Assault, robbery, maybe. But rape? | |
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