| "not looking for a daddy to my child"
Posted: 7/24/2006 6:32:48 AM | my friends and i were talking about women (and some men) who state in thier profiles that they aren't looking for a man (woman) to play daddy (mommy) to thier child/ren.....well, what exactly are these ppl looking for then? i know that my son has a father. but at the same time, i don't want to meet someone who is only semi in my sons life...i AM looking for someone to live with, accept my son as his own, have a family....maybe im misunderstanding the meaning when ppl say this???  anyone said this before? | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/24/2006 9:09:49 AM | I was looking for someone for me. The kids already having a mom that gives then lots of stuff. I will not accept someone else coparenting my children.
What has happened is that my kids have a new adult friend in their lives. My kids have a good relationship with the person I'm seeing, we do lots of activities together, rock climbing, hiking and camping, but she isn't going to replace the X as their mom. She has 2 boys that I get along well and I know I'm not going to replace their dad and I don't try.
Is your childs father active in your childs life?
Pat | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/24/2006 10:57:38 AM | You don't state wether you have custody of your kids or if they live with you...
Reading between the lines I think they live with your ex, so being a mother to them doesn't come into the equasion does it!!! Yes of course you'd expect them to be friends if they live with your ex, otherwise it would be very difficult trying to be a mother to them while they live with your ex!!!! | |
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Erb
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Joined: 7/19/2006
Msg: 5 | |
| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/24/2006 12:13:23 PM | | Hear ya. If I get into a relationship with someone, I to, expect them to be part of my kids lives and vice versa. My kids have their mom, but if I'm with someone, that person is going to be part of their lives too. With kids is part of the package. | |
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Jen4u
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Joined: 7/16/2004
Msg: 6 | |
| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/24/2006 1:50:50 PM | | I feel that way, i don't need anyone to be a father to my kids. They have one already. I need to someone to be there for me, and that somone has to accept and hopefully come to love my kids. But I don't want them to feel like they have to be 'responsible' for them. I think that relationships with kids is difficult because most people find it hard to share the person they love iwth their kids. It's almost like they get jealous of your kids taking up so much of your time. That's why it's important to me that the person I am with be understanding and open to activities that work around my hectic schedule. I just think people mean they don't expect anyone to come in and take care of their kids, whether it be financially or emotionally. Your SO should love your kids, but only because he wants to out of love for you. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/24/2006 1:57:58 PM | "i don't need anyone to be a father to my kids. They have one already. I need to someone to be there for me, and that somone has to accept and hopefully come to love my kids. But I don't want them to feel like they have to be 'responsible' for them. "
Yeah i feel same way and if i was start back dateing again i would not look for a man to be the FATHER of my little boy or force him to do things like a father should/will do with the little boy because in my eyes, my little boy ONLY has one mommy/daddy and im NOT talking about "foster kids" i mean blood related mommy/daddy/baby(kids). | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/24/2006 2:10:21 PM | | I agree. I don't need another dad for my daughter, just an adult friend. He can be that guy that she goes to with questions and concerns that she won't ask her dad. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/24/2006 5:32:26 PM | Iwonder why people do put their kids on their profile. They may feel that they can still adiquately safeguard their kids. Koodooo to them.
But I'm looking for someone who is interested in me and not my kid. I still think its unsafe. My kid has a father. Anyone in my life would add to hers. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/24/2006 8:08:12 PM | Its hard to be a single parent and date because everyone thinks you just want to find another parent for your child when really your just looking for the missing peice in the puzzle... you got a childs love and now you want a man/woman to love...
I think when people say "I am not looking for a parent for my child" they mean I'm looking for someone to love not just take care of my ready-made family... I dated a guy after my son was born, he was great with my son but he always said they could be buddies and he was not willing to "play dad" and I was fine with that..as long as he was good with/to my son it didn't matter what he classified his role...
I was always responsible for the financial aspect of my son and changing him, bathing him and feeding him....so in that aspect, he wasn't playing dad! :) | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/24/2006 8:47:45 PM | | Not EVERY childs dad is a DEADBEAT or NOT every childs dad wants TO be out of their childs life i mean we can not JUDGE all dads/men by how our child dad or how some man has treated us or our children, just like NOT every child mom is a DEADBEAT or not every child MOM is a wich and trying keep their father out of their lives | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/24/2006 9:34:52 PM | | im quite the oppisite, my girls father has absolutly nothing to do with them, he never has, when i finally meet the person im going to spend the rest of my life with, he will be the only father my girls will know. im not looking for someone for that specific reason, but i do want someone who can open his heart and maybe love my girls as much as i do, even though their not biologically his. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/24/2006 10:11:32 PM | | I have a dead beat dad turned dad, for that I am glad so i am not looking for a new one... but im certainly glad that my mom was when she got tired of my real dads BS, because then i got my stepdad... who has been there for 24 years... and definently was a way better influence than my 'real' dad would have been... sometimes it's nice to 'choose' after the fact lol | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/24/2006 10:29:19 PM | i'm looking for someone for ME. my kids have a dad. sure, kids can always use more people who love them in their lives & if i meet someone, of course they will have to accept & adore (!!) my kids...but i'm not interviewing for the Dad Position.
does that make sense? | |
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*Em*
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Joined: 6/29/2005
Msg: 15 | |
| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/24/2006 11:03:10 PM | ive said this before, many times. but perhaps we are not being entirely fair?
oviously a new partner and the children will be kept entirely distant from each other untill a solid relationship has been formed between the two adults. however, eventually (all being well)..that person would move in with the parent and children and contribute towards providing for them. if they are living with the children then what is their role? are they not allowed to tell the child off? on the one hand we expect them to treat our children like we'd expect them to treat their own and on the next hand we are saying NO we dont want a father figure? if that person is living fulltime within our family unit then perhaps its unfair to ask them not to play a parental role. in which case what is the meaning of a step father/mother and what exactly is their role???
i'd be more inclined to say that im not looking for a daddy for my children at this moment in time, but who knows.... | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/24/2006 11:22:34 PM | Life is like a buffet for those people... I'll take a scoop of this one to make babies with...
I'll take a small bit of this one for a taste... and for 'ME' this one over here... Great way to teach a kid to take only what they want when they want it - rather than find the balance that involves making 'judgement calls' on what's truely important... You'd hope a person would want the same type of person for 'me' as they would for 'them - them being their kids' which would be their dad/father figure.
lil.miss.vixen - i don't think you misunderstand the meaning - the truth and ugliness of what they're after is way selfish and disgusting... why would anyone want to cheat their kid of a loving, caring parent (dad or mom) - but that is what they're saying in a way. If you were to look back through that persons situation - at the point they were boinking their kids parent - that's what they wanted, and now that they're at a different point, they want what they want for 'me' - later, if they want something different, they'll get different. Maybe if they were looking for the kind of person that makes for a great 'daddy' they'd have their cake and eat it too! | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/24/2006 11:35:39 PM | samhonolulu-- you have totally missed the point.
the point is, i'm not looking for a FATHER for my kids because they have one. meaning they already have two parents who support them financially & emotionally. okay, that's not really true in my case, *I* support them...but anyway, i'm not looking for someone to dive into step-daddy role.
i would NEVER date someone that i thought would not be a good person to have around my kids. but i'm not bringing any "dates" around my kids right off the bat either.
what exactly is so hard to understand about that??
at the point they were boinking their kids parent - that's what they wanted, and now that they're at a different point, they want what they want for 'me' - later, if they want something different, they'll get different. Maybe if they were looking for the kind of person that makes for a great 'daddy' they'd have their cake and eat it too
this statement is WAY ****ing out of line. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/24/2006 11:43:53 PM | | I won't date a woman that I don't feel could be a fun and responsible "mother figure" for my daughter. I'm a single-dad and this becomes paramount in who I decide to date. I wouldn't date a woman who wouldn't be 100% committed not only to myself, but also to my daughter. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/25/2006 7:50:24 AM | lil.miss.vixen - i don't think you misunderstand the meaning - the truth and ugliness of what they're after is way selfish and disgusting... why would anyone want to cheat their kid of a loving, caring parent (dad or mom) - but that is what they're saying in a way.
No one is saying that. The bottom line is that there ARE men out there who don't want to date women with children, because they don't want to feel that they are being used JUST to help raise another man's child. That's the reality of it.
So because of that, many women feel that they have to make it clear that they don't NEED someone to step in and take care of their children. It doesn't mean they are being selfish at all. If anything, they are being over-protective of their children. Of course we would all like to find someone who will adjust to our children and be a positive part of their lives. We just don't want men to think we ONLY want them as a replacement father.
But I see it all the time, even right here in the forums. When a woman says that she doesn't need or want a man to raise and support her children, someone posts that it is a lie, because she really DOES. You can't win.
If you were to look back through that persons situation - at the point they were boinking their kids parent - that's what they wanted, and now that they're at a different point, they want what they want for 'me' - later, if they want something different, they'll get different. Maybe if they were looking for the kind of person that makes for a great 'daddy' they'd have their cake and eat it too!
Yes. This HAS to be an accurate statement, because Samhonolulu says so.  I see that you have children. Is that what YOU were thinking at the time you were "boinking" as you say? I am actually surprised at how negatively people view single mothers. It seems as if they are constantly being accused of sleeping around or being irresponsible. And many of the chlidren have a father out there who continues to live and enjoy the single life. The mother is the one taking care of the children, yet SHE is somehow being branded as irresponsible. I just don't get it.
Sam, you only know your story. You have no idea how or why other people end up as single parents, so don't assume that you do. In many cases the other parent could have died, left them for someone else, been on alcohol/drugs, or been abusive. A lot of times things are simply out of a person's control. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/25/2006 8:13:53 AM | | well i say this in mine cuz no man is gona come up in my house and think hes running this show.. thats my job last time i checked i gave birth to her so i make the rules and i pay the rent again i make the rules no one else.. i dont need someone telling my daugther what to do i can do that myself.. yes i would like for her to have a male role model or friend whom when she is older she can talk to about things maybe i wont know the answer to but that doesnt need to be " a daddy" thats called a friend ... | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/25/2006 8:35:43 AM | I'M A DADDY NOT LOOKING FOR A MOMMY
Quoting my own profile...
I'm not looking for a mommy for my girls, they have one (joint custody)...
I won't speak of the motives of others, but I can speak of mine and tell you many of the posts obove are simply not accurate in my case.
My statement in my profile means just that...nothing more. I posted a profile on this site for me, not for my children. Because my children and I are together 1/2 the time, the time we are together is our time. It is that time when I have the most joy in my life. But that does leave 1/2 of time I would like a friend to fill that void and bring joy to my life then too. If I meet somebody and our relationship evolves to more than great...yes that person would be involved with my children...but no, I don't need a replacement mom. If a relationship evolved into something more long term, then there wouldn't be 1/2 and 1/2, but while simply dating no, I won't blend the two.
I state this in my profile to let the reader know where I am in my life and what my dating expectations are. If the reader is not comfortable with this, that's OK. There are other fishies for them and me.
My girls and I are together about half the time, so that leaves another half (for those of you counting at home) when I can get pretty bored...so will you help me with that problem? | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/25/2006 9:00:27 AM | | Idealy yes, I would like to meet somebody that became so special to me I would involve with my children and extend my family to include that person...but I'm not forcing it. And if that never happens, that's OK. I have a good life with my girls alone. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/25/2006 10:07:18 AM | Is that the best you can offer a guy? The chance to become "mom's friend"?
It sounds like "I need someone who accept the package and who understands he will never receive it". Haven't you thought that the type of guy who will accept you as a package deal, is the type of guy who will want to step up as fatherly figure? Ok, you don't want to force a man to become a father for your children. But you don't need to shun him out of this role, if he is willing to it.
I think it's extremely selfish to say "I want someone for me, my kids already have a father". How so? Because you are thinking only in terms of "you and your children". Shouldn't you include in this lovely scenario something like, let's say, the new man? After all, you are asking him to cope with some of the difficulties of having children, and at the same time forbidding him to share some of the rewards.
If you really want a man in your life, and he wants you for more than a quick ****, you have to accept that soon or later he will become something more that mom's live vibrator.
Therefore, choose well. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/25/2006 1:05:55 PM | you said what i did earlier in less words rollerGrrrl. i'm with you.
samhonolulu --> did you read what you wrote before pressing the post button? how you can make the assumptions you do as fact...its ridiculous. re-read the question, then re-read your respons. they don't match. | |
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