| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/25/2006 10:28:39 PM | After reading a previous thread about single mothers, i feel compelled to ask about single fathers. Romeo has lent me his suit of armour, so let us begin.......Do you believe single fathers get run into the ground AS MUCH as single mothers? Personally i don't think they do. If a single mother is told not to spread her legs, why isn't a single father told to keep IT in his pants? Sorry, takes 2 to tango. From experience (me being a single mother and my brother being a single father) i could not believe the difference in peoples reactions. I work to provide for my children, he worked too, only difference is he got all the offers for child care and recreation ie: Relatives offering their services so he could go out and meet chickies and do what a man has to do. He was constantly told how difficult it must be for him to be raising 2 children on his own, a big pat on the back for him. Me? Well i had 3 children and was constantly asked why did i have 3 children? Doh! Should have predicted my husband was gonna leave me. (for those that don't know,he left me for a religous sect). All i seem to hear on this single mother/ single father thing is don't take up with a single mother, it's like we have a disease or something. No i am NOT jealous of my brother, i'm merely pointing out some facts. Both genders in the single parent category should be praised for raising their children on their own, it's a tough job. So back to the question 'Do single fathers get run into the ground as much as single mothers'?  | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/25/2006 10:56:29 PM | Absolutely! At least in Massachusetts, USA.
There are a lot of support groups for single moms. Not just the formal ones but also most groups for single parents (play groups etc.) are assumed to be attended by moms.
When I say I have custody, people often are very surprised. Mothers get custody unless the mother doesn't want custody or there are extenuating circumstances.
People praise me for being such a good father. Hell, they are my kids! I don't want praise, just the same considerations given a single mom.
I left a very good paying job because I was taking "too much" time off. I was told by one manager (president of the company) to get a nanny.
I thought I was being supportave of single moms until I became a single dad. I now have a new appreciation for being a single parent.
Things are better that 10 or 20 or more years ago for single dads. But I'm not sure it has gotten any better for single moms. It will take more single dads for there to be 'single parent' instead of 'single dad or mom'. | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/25/2006 11:15:30 PM | | Women get the bad reps for being single moms, dads don't...But, if the kids live with the moms, the dads are called deadbeats, but if the kids live with the dad, the moms aren't called deadbeats...While most people know my son's mother is a deadbeat, some people think she's just had a hard time or some crap...I dunno...It's too screwed up to explain, ignore my post... | |
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*KD*
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Joined: 7/18/2006
Msg: 4 | |
| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/25/2006 11:18:26 PM |
Absolutely! At least in Massachusetts, USA.
There are a lot of support groups for single moms. Not just the formal ones but also most groups for single parents (play groups etc.) are assumed to be attended by moms.
When I say I have custody, people often are very surprised. Mothers get custody unless the mother doesn't want custody or there are extenuating circumstances.
People praise me for being such a good father. Hell, they are my kids! I don't want praise, just the same considerations given a single mom.
I left a very good paying job because I was taking "too much" time off. I was told by one manager (president of the company) to get a nanny.
I thought I was being supportave of single moms until I became a single dad. I now have a new appreciation for being a single parent.
Things are better that 10 or 20 or more years ago for single dads. But I'm not sure it has gotten any better for single moms. It will take more single dads for there to be 'single parent' instead of 'single dad or mom'.
Couldnt agree more. Sometimes I couldnt figure out if I was respected or being patronized. The first question I would get is where's the mom, is she at work. Then you tell them and you see the look of shock on their face. LOL
Just like manin said, there is very few support groups and so forth in comparrison to single moms. My personal favorite was when some woman was telling me about parenting books and how she always recommends them to men, LOL
I think single dads have about the same plight, ours is sometimes different then a single mom. We do share something in common, raising kids by ourselves. I have nothing but respect for single parents in general and I think they get a bad rap alot of times. No more evident then in the forums. | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/25/2006 11:46:18 PM | kdblue06 loved your answer, it was fair and honest, as the previous ones were as well. I was expecting to get a wrap for gender bashing on this thread , and i am thankful at this piont anyway that so far we are all sticking together. Nice to see for a change at the forum! | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 1:33:21 AM | Bull, people may not say that the woman is a deadbeat but the way the court system works, what do you think, your initial thought when you hear that a man has custody of his kids. She must really have been a piece of work for the court to give custody to the father.
Also, Bedford, thanks for making the comment that you are not extraordinary for raising your children because, hellooo, they are your children. The way my X acts one would think that the kids are his stepchildren. He can only take one overnight at a time, he can't handle them at the same time, three children, not a basketball team. Funny, how I don't have the same choice.
I think the big difference is that people expect women to take care of their children so while they may recognize that the woman is carrying a load as a single parent, it does not necessarily seem extraordinary. Many married women also live similar lives either because their husband travels for work or because he might as well not be present even though he is there. | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 3:33:01 AM | Oh Boo, Hoo! You don't have a clue what single fathers go through! We go out with our kids and get looks as though we are only Weekend Father's even though some of us have custody. The Courts don't give us equal rights nor do Children's Services, even if we have proven to be better Parents. It's okay for women not to date single fathers as she doesn't want headaches but yet men get slammed for not dating single Mothers. I don't get offers of child care from my family. Her family demanded support for my son when he lived with her for the first year, then for the last 3.5 yrs he has lived with me I was told that Mom shouldn't have to pay for whatever reason.
Women on here call men pervs and A holes if we are sexually attracted to someone, and are honest about it. So long story short, yes single Dad's can have it tough but that is okay as the rewards are more than worth it. | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 4:33:31 AM | Do you believe single fathers get run into the ground AS MUCH as single mothers? Personally i don't think they do.
It’s definitely not the same for men. I think we generally do have it easier in a lot of areas.
Advantages:
Men are usually paid better than women and have an easier time providing for the kids.
Men are not assumed to be irresponsible for raising children themselves.
It may be harder for a guy to get a date, but at least we don’t attract the idiots that single moms do.
Disadvantages:
I have found that a lot of people assume I’ll never be as good a parent as a woman. They tend to be patronizing.
Men usually don’t have the same support network that women would have. If I want to go out it’s $12/hour. Every time.
Feel free to add to the lists. | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 9:37:52 AM | | i think for society, they look better toward single dad's. unfortunately, that said, i agree there's not enough supports for single dads. i give my kudo's to men who step up and take upon the responsiblity. i have a friend who is one of the best dads in the world, and would do anything for them. as a single mom, do i get credit, nope, its just assumed i must have done something wrong, forget that i might have been doing something better for my kids. | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 10:10:25 AM | OP, you are exactly right. and it sucks. but it's the way society is set up...women are STILL expected to be the caretakers of children. so when a man steps up & takes the roll everyone bows down & treats him like he's doing something extraordinary.
single mothers are looked at as burdens on society & damaged goods; single fathers are seen as loving, responsible men.
i had to laugh out loud at the whole "there aren't many support groups for single dads" thing...are they waiting for women to set something up for them? who do you think set up the support networks for single moms? here's a hint: it wasn't men.
i'm not "bashing" single fathers -- i just think that ALL single parents deserve the same respect. | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 10:28:46 AM | | packagedeal, the court didn't give my son to me...His mother IS a deadbeat, when she lived here she'd wanna see him maybe once a month for a few hours...Then one day she just up and left town...Works for me...I hope she never comes back | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 11:06:27 AM | Single fathers get run into a ground? Single mothers get run into the ground? That's news to me! I get nothing but admiration myself.............. Sure you're not reading too much into it? When I became a single parent. (not by choice) I developed a great respect for single parents.
I've had both worlds.................. This one is tougher but, great rewards ! | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 12:00:18 PM | I have to agree with the both single dads and single moms get run into the ground. The reason that single dads seem to stand out more is that it is a newer phenomenon.
I don't get, and never have gotten offers of babbysitting or anything of that nature.
In one respect it can harder to be a single dad than a mom, my duaghter gets mental health services through the County Of Los Angeles due to her having Bi-polar disorder. In this respect I get looked at sideways with the attitude of "you are a man, why aren't you paying for all of this yourself", while mom's I see in the same situations get compassion.
The reality of it all is that men and women are different, they are treated differently, & that is the way it is. There are negatives and positives on both sides.
It is nothing more than the grass is greener on the side type of thing.
I don't feel run into the ground, per sey, but it is hard being a single parent. Having said that, it is irrelevant how hard it is, any injustice to it, or even stigma. It is our duty, our honor, & in our best interest to provide the best we can in things and morals for our children. | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 12:59:57 PM | It is what it is.
Is it more difficult for women? What man can answer that?
Is it more difficult for men? What woman can answer that?
iambillster sumed it up with
The reality of it all is that men and women are different, they are treated differently, & that is the way it is. There are negatives and positives on both sides.
It is nothing more than the grass is greener on the side type of thing. nice. | |
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*KD*
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Joined: 7/18/2006
Msg: 15 | |
| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 1:25:22 PM | i had to laugh out loud at the whole "there aren't many support groups for single dads" thing...are they waiting for women to set something up for them? who do you think set up the support networks for single moms? here's a hint: it wasn't men.
I had to agree with this because most guys arent pushing for support groups. I used to sit there and think why the hell isnt there any support groups for men. Probably because most guys arent pushing for one.
Imagine sitting around watching a game with the guys and their talking about going to the strip bar and you up and say, well I cant go cause I'm going to a support group. Believe it or not, their going to laugh their a$$es off. Especially when were all in our early 20's.
It's the same thing where everyones having fun and talking about 'Guy' things and one guy up and starts talking about his feelings, LOL. Believe it or not, you get called a girl and laughed at.
There are guys who are emotional and having to raise kids sometimes makes you more so, but were still men. Whether we like to admit it or not, we sometimes follow suit to social stereotypes whether we buy into or not. I highly doubt I'm going to be sitting in a room with a bunch of men crying about life. I'm sorry I just dont see it happening. Not to say some men will, and need that emotional support.
I'm more of an advocate for single parents support groups. Not just a place to cry, but somewhere to get advice or find decent sitters and especially with the looming fun I'm going to have with two teen daughters. | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 2:50:07 PM | Single parents groups would be awesome!
Not just SINGLE MOM OR DAD GROUPS.
When I first became separated and struggling through that raising two kids dd and ds both very young 4 and 2 and the death of my beloved mom, it was a single dad who reached out to me.
He invited me to a Single parent group.
He was raising his two little girls.
I will never forget that.
He helped me through his support and making me realize I wasn't alone.
We all helped each other.
I felt very welcome.
After the meetings ppl had a coffee time and it was nice.
Adults getting together sharing parenting.
My dd is 19 now and ds is 16.
Basically I have raised them without my ex-husband their dad being actively involved.
I hope and pray one day he will realize how wonderful and precious they both are.
In the meantime every day they know they are loved.
It is all any of us single parents can do.
It will make a difference in your child's life in a positive way.
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 3:12:20 PM | | Bull, my point was not in agreeing or disagreeing with you or even relative to your personal circumstances, just that when most people see a single father they sort of subconsciously think to themselves the mother must have been really sorry, not because a father is necessarily a better or worse option, but because in many cases although it is changing, women are usually the single parents or share joint custody. I think it is wonderful that more fathers are getting custody and that the courts seem to be leaning toward a day when the gender bias is gone, but I think most would agree that there is a larger percentage of single moms than single dads, regardless for the reason for the dichotomy, whether societal mores or unfair legal systems. I think until people really believe that men and women are equally capable and responsible for childrearing and that parents of all genders and orientations should be supported in raising their children, there will always be disadvantages and stigma related to single parenting. Whether it is the sort of reverse discrimination described by men who are insulted when they are lauded for caring for their own children or women that are viewed as damaged goods that behaved irresponsibly when they find themselves parenting alone. | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 4:12:40 PM | I would love to give a more thoughtful answer to this, but I actually have to take my son to a picnic.. 
Its all about expectations.
Women are EXPECTED to be better at raising kids alone. Its assumed that they have this "motherly instinct" that men just aren't capable of having.
Men are EXPECTED to be good providers, to "bring in the bacon". Not to be at home raising the kids.
There just aren't as many cases of single-parent dads out there to compare to the amount of single-parent mothers.
Public perception is that women are better at being a single parent because the media always portrays single-parenthood as being a "woman" thing... If you don't agree, name more than 2 t.v. shows that have single-fathers in them? Then compare that to the number of t.v. shows that have single-mothers in them. | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 4:35:43 PM | "There just aren't as many cases of single-parent dads out there to compare to the amount of single-parent mothers. "
I think the reason for this is when it comes to custody Females have the advantage 9 time out of 10 to get custody..
For example I have one uncle who had a daughter.. The mother wanted nothing to do with the child and took off leaving the child with her father.. after 2 years My uncle went to get all the legal work done for full custody.. Mother comes back into picture says she wants child after 2 years of having NOTHING to do with her.. Mother ends up winning full custody and takes child 3 provinces away leaving my uncle to pay child support for the daughter he more or less lost..
So i would have to say that would be one of the bigger reasons you don't see as many single fathers as you do mothers.. | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 6:42:41 PM | Men and women are treated differently. We both have lots to complain about. But we both have our chidren. And in the end we do it because of them. We both love them, they are our world.
Personally I like to date Strong Beautiful women with a little sarcastic edge. It turns out that they're usually single moms.
We have all followed different paths but none of them have been easy. And society treats us all like crap. Whether its the "your a single mom and therefore you must be damaged" or the "your a single dad so how is your luck finding that new mom for your kids". Personally I deal with people with an iron hand when it comes to my kids. I protect them and I have the best "dad" look. | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 7:56:00 PM | Example msg 9 
"i give my kudo's to men who step up and take upon the responsiblity."
Okay do you ever here people say Kudo's to you "women" for raising your
child(ren, what...no? hmmmmmm......why? hmmmm.....that's a hard one
maybe because it's our responsiblility. gesh. Can you imagine going around
saying to people or them praising you for that fact for hmmm....paying rent,
to keep your dwelling, or buying groceries so you can eat, paying your bills
because hey there yours, cleaning your house because you don't like living with
magets(hehehe) and kudos to you for getting up and going to work everyday?
seriously, doesn't it sound silly......I think that must feel like a total insult for a
father so I wouldn't be so jealous or worried about it. It may seem unfair to you
but it's all how you look at it. I look at it and say, omg are they patronizing
him, feeling sorry for him, are they implying he needs help because hey....
he's no mother, because mommas know best. Are they praising him for doing
something he's suppose to do because after all they are HIS children. Are they
saying it's harder for him becaues he's not a women and doing the whole "pity
thing". It's all how you look at it *wink*
I give credit where credits due and that's for every parent doing the best
job they can for their child(ren).
Now the other side. lmao
We get the whole, "wow your single? full time? you picked a winner"
What he doesn't pay child support? you should of seen that coming......
(he11 ya I have x-ray vision for crips sake.lol)
It's okay you were young....or you'll know better next time around sweetie.
You get the whispers....ya milf (lmfao) baby momma ...lol easy lay.....(what the
heck is that all about)
oh ya, the ever so famous" you had them, their yours" omg are you serious,
I didn't know. Can you imagine going up to a single father and saying "well
you had them their yours, so hows life treating you so far" seriously.
Then the famous "do they have the same father" since of course once your
single with more then one child it's a normal everyday question, gesh.........
The list here goes on and on as I'm sure it does on the fathers side aswell.
I'm not sure if I believe any of us has it any easier or better then the other,
we are all single parents and it's hard but man oh man, oh sooo worth it!!!!
I will not argue with peoples opinions here since they clearly come from
experiences one has come across over time. Everyone has a different take
since everyone has had a different life and different life experiences. In many
different ways men have it harder (ie courthouse for one) and in may different
ways women have it harder. This is one of those I agree to disagree threads
for me since I believe all single parents have their rough patches.
GPH | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 8:33:24 PM | | Kudos to all who raise their children on their own for we are the ones who reap all the rewards of our childrens life. It was never about us even when we were married when we had a child life then became about them. Does not matter if you are a man or woman we have it better now than ever before. Yes there is still not the right mindset in society in general about single parents after all why did we have them in the first place if we were going to be like this...duh like we planned it this way. However we are lucky to be where we are try being a single mother in the early 60's when not even divorce was really exceptible and having 5 children was'nt easy for my mom. It is not only the single people who avoid us but we ourselves do not exactly leap into each others arms. As far as the rest men typically have it harder through the court system still bent toward the ladies but think in general men have it better. No support systems really there for men but our fault for we in general through pride ,our downfall,do not seek it so not much ever happens there. Personally I never really get caught up in the pitfalls of it all when I stumble in my personall view I just think of all my son brings to my life breathe in and all is good. | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 9:35:21 PM | Just have a question here. Why does it have to be single dads vs. single moms: who gets the shorter end of the stick?
I think it is great for anyone who raises their kids no matter what their circumstances whether they are male or female. Sure there are advantages and disadvantages for both genders. Who cares? Is it really that big a deal?
What is important is how you are caring for your children, not whether or not you have it worse than a single parent of the opposite gender.
I figure that my kids are great filters. They filter out all the unwanted prospects. Does that mean I date less? You bet! Does that mean I have less money to spend since I have to pay for a sitter if I go out alone? Yes. Is that any different than what happens to a single mom? No. Have I been discriminated against for housing because of being a single parent? Yes...just like many single moms have been.
I don't know about you all but I am hoping to find someone to share life with. Not to comiserate about how life sucks as a single parent.
Have a nice day everyone. Kudos to All single parents.
Kevin | |
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| The plight of single fathers.....
Posted: 7/26/2006 9:44:55 PM | i don't think anyone is saying that life as a single parent sucks....if someone said that, i missed it.
it's just that RIGHT NOW, single moms are looked at one way & single dads are looked at another.
probably with the way things are going (more & more dads with full custody), it will even out one day & we'll all just be "single parents"...but for now that's not how it is. | |
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