| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 5:59:05 AM | I have found myself in a situation with which I have never dealt before. I would appreciate words of wisdom from those who may have experienced something similar in the past.
I recently met a man who has only been separated 8 months. I knew I was taking my chances on dating him, as I remember how fragile I was in my first year of separation. However, we hit it off so strongly. It felt like we have known each other for years, and there was very strong chemistry between us. I find that I am sexually attracted to very few people, so this was significant for me.
We had one marvellous date. A few days later he called me to let the bomb drop: his wife, who had initiated the separation, wants to reconcile. Furthermore, he knew this when he met me. He didn't expect to react as strongly to me as he did, and now he is in turmoil. He feels obligated to consider the reconciliation, out of a sense of duty and history, and because of the effect a divorce would have on their family.
I told him that I agree that he needs to explore the reconciliation, and I made it clear that I won't see him meanwhile. I would never place myself in the position of being the Other Woman, nor would I want to interfere in any way with a possible reconciliation. He asked if he can call me if things don't work out between him and his wife, and at that time, I agreed.
Here's the dilemma: What if he chooses not to reconcile with his wife because of me? What if he chooses me instead, and later comes to regret it, blaming me in some way for his divorce? We only had one date; we are virtual strangers to each other, despite the instant connection. There is no way to know if a relationship between us would work.
So, what do I do if he calls me? Suggestions, please! | |
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*Tee*
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Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 3 | |
| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 6:15:23 AM | I would honestly not even think of going out with him again, despite the connection. He obviously still has feelings for his wife...if he didn't he wouldn't have even considered going back to her. Theres no way I would sit around and wait for somebody elses left overs...
Theres wayyy too many fishies out there for me to be involved with somebody who is still with his wife, why put myself through the stress?
My advice...move on. | |
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 6:16:57 AM | gardennut....just down my alley! Went through a similar thing myself a couple of months ago, only we had seen each other 4 or 5 times in a week. At first i was 'incredible' 'he couldn't stop thinking about me' etc etc, he would spend the whole day with me and so forth. I didn't hear from him for a couple of days, so i sent a text to see if he was ok. Then the ex stuff started. I saw alarm bells when he said he needed to do some serious thinking. I left him completely alone for about 6 weeks, when he contacted me and wanted to see me. I saw him (didn't have sex), then i didn't hear from him until recently on msn where we just spoke 'shop'. He had been out of his relationship for about 4 months at that time, but the difference is his g/f didn't want him back. I try my best to avoid him now, he has my cell phone number and hasn't used it. I say give your fella space, see what happens, don't call him, he'll call you, or he may not. Personally i wouldn't get involved with someone if they still had issues. Live by 'Fix it or Move on'. I know it's very hard, the temptation is always there, but trust me if it's meant to happen it will, but tred very carefully. | |
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 6:18:19 AM | There is always the possibility of a wrong decision and regret. If the scenario that you describe happened and if he did blame you, then actually -- so what? You'd only be "to blame" in his head... it's his decision and I can't see how you could do anything better than step back and let him sort himself out. Stick with the plan you've described -- stay out of it until he's sorted. If he breaks up with her properly, finally and you want to see him -- then why not...?
Trying to cover every possible risk is hard work, don't get too stressed. Good luck.  | |
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 6:30:25 AM | Gardenut,
I call it dangerous grounds in other words rebound,the good thing here for you is just after one date he did call to tell you he was returning to his wife,and hats off to you for thinking more of yourself than to put yourself in the place of being the other woman or standing in the way of what could be a reconciliation I say "could be" because anything could happen.
I guess the one thing I would be looking at if I was in your shoes is he was already separated 8 months before and went back so if he leaves again there is no guarantee she is also the one who asked for separation not him if it had of been the other way around I think it could be different.
Being that he has already told you he has reacted more strongly to you than he thought he would my advice would be if things don't work and he calls you I don't see anything wrong with that as long as it was kept on a friendship level and maybe talk to him every now and then because he will need alot of time to figure things out and what he really wants I don't think the turmoil will leave him anytime soon.Being there is a strong attraction there on your part you will need to protect your heart.And you deserve someone who is truly available in all aspects to be with you.I know it really sux because you felt a instant connection with him and it makes one wonder why things turn out as they do.
It's good that you chose not to see him during this time I can't stress enough how good that decison was for you.I just think if he does call it's best to keep it on a just friendly term and if he says he wants to be with you I would tell him he needs to take time first before either other of you persue the connection you felt when you met,the thing is these kind of things can get so wishy washy back and forth and soon you would be the one in turmoil and even left with a broken heart.
I wish you the best | |
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 6:40:16 AM | It's just to iffy for you to even think of him as a possible partner. He isn't free because he isn't divorced...so technically he is still married. I would just move on. I believe you need to be divorced a year before you start looking for another person to date...you just have too much baggage you have to process. It wouldn't be fair to the other person if you went into it without settling the past. Walk away from him and let him figure out his life for himself. | |
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 6:41:25 AM | Wow, what words of wisdom here! I am touched by all of your support.
Summerbreeze, to clarify, he hasn't actually gone back to his wife, they remain living separately. It could go either way at this point. My head tells me to leave him well enough alone, regardless of the outcome. I have nothing invested in this man; there are indeed lots of fishies in the sea who aren't considering reconciling with their wives.
But oh, he is so sweet and lovely...
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 6:45:32 AM | | Sorry, but it doesn't wash...hate to break it to you, but you ARE the other woman! You knew going into this he was a married man (yes, separated means "still married") when you went on that date. The fact is, if he would cheat with you, he will cheat ON you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but come on - you are a full grown woman, and when you play with fire, you can get burned! | |
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daisie
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Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 10 | |
| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 6:46:58 AM | | This is precisely why you shouldn't date a married man. Separated = married. And now you're his "backup girlfriend". His marriage takes TOP priority over you....so you need to back off, bow out, disappear, hit the road, change your number and try not to do this again. | |
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 7:08:03 AM | This is what I have a tremendous problem with:
We had one marvellous date. A few days later he called me to let the bomb drop: his wife, who had initiated the separation, wants to reconcile. Furthermore, he knew this when he met me. He didn't expect to react as strongly to me as he did, and now he is in turmoil.
Shame on him, dammit.
Sadly, this is the deal, as harsh as it is:
This is precisely why you shouldn't date a married man. Separated = married. And now you're his "backup girlfriend". His marriage takes TOP priority over you....so you need to back off, bow out, disappear, hit the road, change your number and try not to do this again.
I've lived it and learned in a very painful way that there's just no winning when 3 are involved in the number 2. | |
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 11:57:03 AM | Some people are saying that separated=married. That is obviously the case in a legal sense. However, my marriage ended the day my husband left me (for another woman, by the way). I have been at the losing end of cheating (although it can be argued that all parties are losers in this situation), and I would NEVER consider involvement with a married man. Here's one way of looking at it: did this man's wife not set him free the day she left him and moved out of their home?
I am not the "backup girlfriend". I will not place myself in that situation by seeing this man while he is exploring a reconciliation--and probably not after, either. It has not escaped my attention that he was not entirely upfront with me about the state of his separation when we met. Should he have been dating anyone else while considering a reconciliation? NO. Even if he does not reconcile with his wife, it will be a long haul before he would be relationship material.
I appreciate everyone's comments. This a real learning curve for me. | |
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 12:10:41 PM | LOL, you just said it yourself! This is why "separated=married":
it will be a long haul before he would be relationship material.
Before I work too many people up, this is what I'm really saying. It's cool to date these folks, however, becoming involved in a serious relationship is not wise because of the words you (the OP) just posted. There is too often the chance that they may reconcile. Until you have the finalization of a divorce, you'll always be taking a chance. If you don't mind that kind of risk, go for it. If you do, wait.
Further, separation and divorce is a process that you HAVE to go through. I fully understand the concept that we feel we've been separated long before the deed ever became a formal act of physical separation. But until you've gone through it to the end (divorce), you haven't gone through it. How can you open the door to someone new, when you haven't fully closed the other door?
Divorce is a beast...process it, lay it down, then move on.
Respect people enough to fully offer yourself to them, in whatever way "fully" means to you. | |
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 12:29:27 PM | Funny Girl, from your words here, and in reading your profile, I can see that you can speak first-hand to the possibilities of being burnt by this separated=married issue. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Lesson Learned by Gardennut: DO NOT DATE SEPARATED MEN! (not that being divorced necessarily means the man is ready for a real relationship...another lesson learned by Gardennut). | |
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 12:38:16 PM | I am glad that he was honest with you from the beginning.
What do you want?
If you really like him and you click and all that, it might be worth ... well, I don't know...I am rereading this.
You put yourself in a bad postion as the safety net girl. :(
Yeah, move on. You only have one date invested... don't be someone's backup plan. I am sure that things will ultimately work out for all three of you, but you don't deserve to be in the back, waiting to see if you get to be someone's second choice.
Thats BS. You should get more respect than that. :) | |
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 12:55:24 PM | Sounds like he was married all the time....he just wanted to get something on the side..
some go scooting back to wifey when things get chummy....as a safety net..it may sound cruel but this is the game married guys play...... | |
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 12:55:43 PM | You might be the nicest person in the world and everything he wants in a person but unfortunately the one thing you cant offer him is "history". That is something they have and its a hard habit to break!
If they are separated and already considering a reconciliation, well then its not over between them.
I experienced the same a good few years back, in my early 20s, spent 5 years with the man, even had my only child with him...............and guess where he is now.................yep back with the wife! lol
I can laugh about it now, but it destroyed me for a long time.
She made it clear she would always want him, and every arguement we had, well she was his shoulder to cry on! If she wasnt interested you might have more chance, but the chances are she will not make it easy for him to have another relationship right now, and if there are kids between them............well hey give up now! It will end in tears and it wont be his.
Sorry  | |
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 1:01:22 PM | I just experienced a very similar scenario. Only difference is he wasn't married and we had two dates - one of which lasted 12 hours.
The day after our second date, he was faced with an ex-fiance who wanted him back. He apparently wants her back too or is struggeling with his emotions relative to that issue.
What I thought was the beginning of a budding romance (yes, all the signs were there) came to a grinding halt in less than 24 hours.
I don't know that I'll ever hear from him again, but something tells me that if I did...I'd hang on tight and fight her tooth and nail for him.
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/26/2006 2:32:59 PM | Happened twice with 2 different ones.....
Honestly - it doesn't feel the same afterwards.... It's this ping-pong thing in the beginning - then you are reminded through the little things that you're there only because the other didn't work out... second best - better than nothing..... But not first....
The same feelings just aren't there. They might be for him... but not you any more.
Good luck. | |
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/27/2006 5:37:02 PM | I actually would respect the guy a bit for being honest and feeling a sense of duty and responsibility to his family. I, for one, don't go on a date with someone I met online with tremendous expectations. I think it's best to just go with the flow, see if you have a good time, can carry on a decent conversation, etc. If he's been married for long, he may have forgotten what dating is like, and what other women are like to spend time with.
I think it's important that you keep in mind that he is married, but oftentimes the reason people separate is because they want to see what it's like to be single again and away from each other. If it's better once they split, then they know they should divorce. I certainly wouldn't encourage you to put your life on hold waiting for him or jump at the chance to see him again......but I think you should keep in mind that dating can be confusing, and meeting you may have been something that he needed to experience. | |
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/27/2006 5:45:41 PM | Thanks for your thoughts, Brian. I personally believe that we are sent the life experiences we are meant to experience. There are important lessons in this for both me and this man, but I suspect they are radically different lessons.
I have not put my life on hold, and I will not jump at the chance to see him again. I believe it is best to leave this one alone, period. | |
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| Complications of dating a newbie...words of advice please...
Posted: 7/28/2006 4:48:49 AM | | Some good advice here and I think you have made the right decision Gardennut. Bottom line is that meeting you brought him excitement and sparks that had long worn off with his wife. Most new relationships will give a person that excitement. However, more than likely, it will diminish over time and the love for his wife will take precedence over anything you could offer. Glad you decided to move on. | |
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