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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 7/26/2006 2:54:50 PM | I recently started dating this guy that I've known for 2 years. He told a friend that he was interested in me, and we had a 3 week "get to know ya better" phase. Around the 4th of July, we decided that we would call ourselves a couple, and he took me to meet his mom, dad, sisters, and nieces at a family BBQ. I instantly fell in love with his mom, who welcomed me to the family with open arms.
Two nights ago, he didn't come home (lives with my friend). My friend didn't say anything to me about it until last night, when he informed me that he thinks my guy was out with some girl. Instead of jumping to conclusions, I wait to talk to him. Only he's not talking to me now, as if I did something to him. I sent him text messages to his cell phone and he won't reply, but when I had another friend call his cell phone and block his number, he answered.
So how does that work? You get cheated on, and then the cheater acts as if he's been somehow wronged? Or that he has any right at all to be angry?
I think what really makes me feel bad is that I really like his family. And he lives with my best friend, so I don't know how this is supposed to work out from here. I keep catching myself fighting off tears, but they're not for him, they're for me being such an ass. They're tears because I know I won't get to hug his mom anymore, or share laughs with his sister. I'm not losing a thing in losing him, but he has put my friends and my family in a very awkward position. It just sucks.
And for those who might read this and talk about how women always go for the "wrong guy", I don't think the wrong guy is a guy who kisses you more times than you can count per day, holds your hand all the time, and can't wait to see you so he can hug you. That, my good friends, was a bad guy disguised as a good one, and that's not my fault.
Totally resisting an urge to call his mom and tell her that he cheated on me, cuz it's not my place to do that. But I feel as if I need to get some closure on my relationship with them, too. Is that weird to feel that way?
I haven't dated anyone seriously in 13 years, and now I remember why. | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 7/26/2006 3:08:26 PM |
Totally resisting an urge to call his mom and tell her that he cheated on me, cuz it's not my place to do that. But I feel as if I need to get some closure on my relationship with them, too. Is that weird to feel that way?
My question is: WHY do you think you need closure with his family?
My ex-husband was an abusive alcoholic ~ but his parents were the most wonderful, compassionate people I'd met in a long time! His mother still calls me after two years.
And you're right about NOT telling her that he cheated on you. Why give her details? There is nothing she can do about what he did or your pain...
So...don't give up great people because they had the misfortune to raise a child who is not in their likeness. Now...go hug his mother! It'll make you feel better!
Wishing you the best! | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 7/26/2006 3:10:04 PM | That's brutal, but you are not alone. Last year I introduced my girlfriend at the time to my family. She was the staff manager at this huge hospital... she had a lot of power.
My brother was a start up chiropractor. She made promises to him telling him that she would refer people with neck injuries to him instead of the usual chiropractor they used.
We broke up soon after that introduction and of course she never referred a single person to my brother.
Now I got to be sure we are going to be together for a very long time before I introduce another girl to my family.
All you can do is live and learn and try again. Good luck! | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 7/26/2006 3:15:34 PM | | By all means don't blame yourself. You can't blame yourself for liking the affection that this man gave you. I have been in this situation. The best thing I can tell you is not to call him, don't text him, or any of that stuff. That's when he'll call you. Act as if you could care less ( I know it won't be easy). Talk to yourself if you have to (sounds crazy but it works). Tell yourself not to call him. Allow him the chance to explain. Who says you have to end the relationship with his family. I say if you've found friends there, keep them. | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 7/26/2006 3:19:09 PM |
I don't think the wrong guy is a guy who kisses you more times than you can count per day, holds your hand all the time, and can't wait to see you so he can hug you.
If this is what you use as a foundation to determine what's a "good/bad guy" I guess you gonna have a lot more of those situations.
You said you knew this person for two years.
What did you observe on this person's behavior in those two years..??? | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 7/26/2006 4:42:13 PM |
If this is what you use as a foundation to determine what's a "good/bad guy" I guess you gonna have a lot more of those situations.
You said you knew this person for two years.
What did you observe on this person's behavior in those two years..???
That's the thing - this isn't a surprise because the behaviour is new - he used to cheat on his ex all the time! What makes this situation so incredibly messed up is that I told him from the time he showed interest in me that if his interest was purely sexual, that was fine. Over the next few weeks, I told him repeatedly... "If you just want to have sex with me, that's really ok, just tell me so," and he said he wanted something more than that. So I did what is so hard for those of us who have been burned to do - I trusted him. And after I gave into that initial feeling of trust, the rest came so easily.
So there was no surprise in this, except that I'm surprised I let myself be lead around by the nose. Sometimes, you just want to be wrong, ya know? That voice that says "He's lying!" you want it to not be true. It's so very hard for me to trust people at their word because they always have let me down, and when I start to feel that portion of me wake up, it's betrayed and shuts down even further. One of these times, I'm not going to be able to rouse it, and that's when I'll miss out on a great guy. | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 7/26/2006 4:55:47 PM |
he used to cheat on his ex all the time!
I think that when you see a person with this type of behavior, there's no need to hear any voice inside to tell you anything.
People who deceive/betray others constantly, is showing that's how he/she behaves, and when it comes to you there'll be no difference, he/she'll betray you because that's how that person behaves.
I think that if there may be something that you did which was not appropriate, was to believe that he would behave differently with you for whatever reason, instead of rely on what you previously SAW YOURSELF.
There's a maxim that says:
"WHAT IS TRUE FOR YOU IS WHAT YOU HAVE SEEN YOURSELF; AND WHEN YOU LOSE THAT, YOU HAVE LOST EVERYTHING"
I would say not to worry, take it as a learned lesson from life, and next time OBSERVE AND BELIEVE IN WHAT YOU SEE. | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 7/26/2006 4:56:08 PM | KYWoman: thank you for saying that. You're right, I don't have to not speak to them again just because they have a messed up kid!
curiouscat: I just turned off my cellular, and the housecalls are set to go straight to voice mail. I think you're right... and thank you. I do feel stupid for liking the affection, and I guess I shouldn't because not too many people don't like affection! :) I'm going to not speak to my friend or my "ex" for a while, I need some time to get my head on straight anyway.
OpieDopey: That's also true, though I can't think of another reason he wouldn't be taking my calls when I haven't done anything to him.. I figure it must be that he either doesn't want to deal with my temper, or he's ashamed, cuz he's definately done something....
DaHitman: You probably kinda expected her to do that too, eh? You'd think people would try to rise above expectations and she would have given him the referrals, but I guess that's thinking way too outside the box! :)
GMaverick: Excellent point! "When someone shows you who they are, believe them" | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 7/26/2006 5:01:50 PM | "he thinks my guy was out with some girl"...your friend has lots of splanin' to do....
Sound's like your friend knew all along you guy is a womanizer and should have clued you in before things got serious...I don't blame him but he could have headed it off at the pass..... | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 7/26/2006 5:02:59 PM | This man is not treating you with respect, with his current behaviour of avoiding you. You don't deserve to be taken on an emotional roller-coaster ride. He is a coward.
There is a term in social work: the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. People can and do change, of course--glory be! But becoming involved with a former cheater is taking a big risk.
Don't let this man cause you to close yourself off from other opportunities. He's just one fish in the sea. There are faithful ones out there. Right, guys? | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 7/27/2006 7:44:00 AM | Thank you for saying that. He is truly being a coward, especially when I've already warned him that his actions will only result in ruining our friendship, and he's still acting the same.
Time for a vacation! | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 7/27/2006 8:45:40 AM | cheaters = control= abuse
I remember going out with a group of people in my 20/s and this is one thing you dont forget...He was the most charming sexy guy - so he thought...until a gal knocked the wind out of his sail...as he pulled off his shirt in front of everyone due to it being so very warm out,and we were all going into the lake to goof around...it was noticed that he had a sign on his back...it was written in black felt "permanent" marker....well his g/f freaked and left immediately...and I cant remember exactly what it said but the so called "gigalo" of all was reduced to a speck as he tried to soak the ink off his back and stayed in water up to his neck....lol | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 7/27/2006 8:45:40 AM | I haven't dated anyone seriously in 13 years, and now I remember why.
Please don't take this as an insult, OP - but I love this quote, and it DOES make a point
"Stupid is when you do the same thing over and over and expect a different result"
The point is that if you wind up with the same result (being cheated on), maybe you should look at how you choose the men you decide to date in the first place?
And no, I'm not throwing stones - I've been known to be stupid in the past more than once myself :-) | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 7/27/2006 9:48:00 AM | No, gorshkov, I don't take offense, but since I now have to explain, I will.
13 years ago I was nearly 400 lbs. I was depressed, had very low self esteem, and whenever a guy would show interest in me, I would take whatever morsel I could just to have someone with me.
Now, I am half my size, I have my self esteem back, on meds that are finally working, and I don't have to run off with any and every guy who looks in my direction. As I said, I didn't want a relationship with this guy, and offered him nothing more than a physical connection, and he said he wanted more, so what I did was trust him at his word. I don't think that makes me stupid, and I absolutely will not wear that label.
If you don't trust, you can't go any further. This is the first time EVER that I have trusted a guy, and I'm not going to write it off as a stupid action that was all my fault. My trusting him at his word, after him being given an option that wouldn't lead to any feelings being exchanged, wasn't a mistake. The mistake was his for not being honest from the beginning. See, you can't get cheated on if you're not dating, and he made a decision that he didn't just want sex, he wanted "more", to quote him.
In fact, I just had an hour long session with my therapist, who assured me more than once that I am not to blame for his infidelity. She actually thinks that he could be doing this because he was becoming afraid of how strongly he felt about me, which is something he said to me also.
Who knows! But I do know that I'm not stupid. Really though.... no offense taken, you didn't know the whole story :) | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 7/27/2006 1:32:29 PM | Wow, you lost half your body size! Incredible! That kind of courage, fortitude, and perseverence is major cause for celebration. Your self-esteem should be through the roof! I'm working on whittling down my size too--I'm halfway there. You're an inspiration!
Remember, you don't need to settle for morsels, regardless of what size you are. | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 7/27/2006 4:54:26 PM | Well, good for you - you should be proud of yourself :-)
I didn't mean that being cheated on was your fault. That's almost always the OTHER persons fault, not yours.
My point ws that if your last 2 b/f were liars, then maybe you should sit down and think about the both of them - see what they had in common, and try to figure out if there are any signs you can watch out for in the future that would allow you to spot a liar sooner, before it became a problem. | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 8/3/2006 3:52:10 PM | Thanks gardennut! :-)
Good advice, gorshkov. I think also too, I need to look at my own behaviour, what it is that I'm doing that always allows me to end up with people who seem to take what they can get and go on as if nothing transpired. The only common denominator is me, so I've got some part in this, I'm just not completely sure what it is yet :) | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 8/3/2006 4:03:00 PM | | I would say, as you asked why, that your 'picker' is broken. Might be advantageous to get some psyological help for yourself. When one can understand how people work, then it's much easier to spot less healthy people or those with personality defects. And discover some interesting and wonderful things about yourself. Good luck... | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 8/3/2006 4:03:39 PM | Sounds like you dated someone inside your inner circle. Unfortunately, that might have more to do with your situation than your having bad luck with a string of cheaters.
Sometimes people are too close to you. For example, many people advise dating coworkers, because you see them everyday and it's hard to avoid them if things go bad. Maybe dating someone in your inner circle creates that same kind of conflict for you.
Well, sorry to hear what happened to you, that can't be easy at all. But before you completely write men off, maybe try again, but outside and with people who are disconnected from your day to day life. Maybe someone from a church group or a social club, etc. | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 8/6/2006 1:26:32 PM | You're right, MrG - although I wouldn't consider this guy to be from the inner circle, he is friends with my closest friends. Our inner circle, as it seems, stays pretty tight. It's like there's a core group, and the rest are floaters - I'd consider him a floater.
It seems that I may not have to see much of him after all - my friend feels as if my ex is about to make a move and live with his new girlfriend. She works at the place I take my dog to get treats, and I feel half inclined to warn her, but that's probably not my place. I actually think what I'll do is just slip her my cell phone number, and tell her to call if she ever needs to talk. I can't prevent anyone else from being hurt by him, but maybe I can do some kinda good.
I'm slowly healing... I find myself nervous and jumpy a lot, but that's because this situation hasn't settled down yet. Everyday I find out something else.. another lie, and it just sends me reeling again. I'd like to know everything at once, mourn, then get on with it, ya know?
A friend is trying to set me up on a blind date, but I'm already not feeling good about it. I have a strong masculine side, and I need a guy who has a strong feminine side, if that makes any sense. This guy sounds like he's a man and a half, and I was already uncomfortable talking to him, but that could just be because I'm not ready. We'll see. :) | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 8/6/2006 4:22:35 PM | My question is: WHY do you think you need closure with his family?
My ex-husband was an abusive alcoholic ~ but his parents were the most wonderful, compassionate people I'd met in a long time! His mother still calls me after two years.
And you're right about NOT telling her that he cheated on you. Why give her details? There is nothing she can do about what he did or your pain...
So...don't give up great people because they had the misfortune to raise a child who is not in their likeness. Now...go hug his mother! It'll make you feel better!
Kentucky Woman,
I have to agree with you here. Yesterday, I spoke to my first in-laws for the first time in about twenty years. The last time I spoke to either of them was when my then ex mother-in-law called me to apologize for my ever being married to her sorry, abusive son. Over the years, I often wondered about them, how they were doing, how the boys were getting along, etc., but never would call. I finally got up the nerve yesterday and talked to them for over an hour. They told me that they, too, had wondered how I got along after finally leaving their son, and that they had always loved me and always would. I hope to get down to see them before it's too late...I already missed out on seeing one of my ex brothers-in-law before he passed away at the age of 27. OP, don'tmake the same mistake I did and cut your ties with this family if you have a good relationship with them. You don't need their son in your life to have them in it. | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 8/8/2006 7:13:40 PM | | Thanks, browneyedgagirl! I'm sure his family isn't blind to his ways, and I'm sure they just wondered how long it would take before he did the same to me as he did to the others. I'm definately going to stay in touch with them. I just clicked with his mom and sisters - didn't get to talk to dad much but I like him a lot. I'm sorta embarrassed right now, and I've been delaying the phone call because of it - I don't know if they've met the "new girlfriend", or how many stories/lies my ex has told them about why we're not together anymore. From the lies that he told me, and my best friend, I'm sure his parents heard a lot, too. So I guess... maybe I'll hold off a little longer - I might happen to run into them someplace, and then that'll lay the foundation for a whole new connection with them. | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 8/8/2006 7:37:32 PM | Okay so here is my story.I went through this messy divorce and my friend stood behind me all the way and even helped with my restraining order.
He calls his wife a dog,she hads the best of everything two beautiful kids etc.
He's been a cop here for 32 years I've known if from the past but nothing sexual innature back the,but anyways he started moving in on me paying attention buying me my meals now
He is now on a long trip with his family for two weeks whom he says" just doing it for the boys".
I told the wife about the affair but anonymously.
I'm hurt so bad now because of all the things he has done for me he may lose me because of her if they split.
For anyone out there wanting to have an affair with a married guy don't!
He hasn't even called me because she probabaly is in charge of his phone you know.
I have texted him but he never got back to me.
I guess I was just his hooker nothing more nothing less.I let him know that.
I'm now beside myself thinking he could be having relations with her because he said it was over with that with them.
I told him I'm moving on and when he returns I'll be gone.
I have no further plans in calling him texting him or e-mailing his wife.
My life goes on. | |
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| How did I end up with another cheater?!
Posted: 8/8/2006 7:56:04 PM | - he used to cheat on his ex all the time!
Big red flag right there if you ask me.
I don't think the wrong guy is a guy who kisses you more times than you can count per day
No, but the wrong guy cheats on his ex all the time!!
The fact you are tempted to call his family speaks volumes about you though. Tattle on a grown man, that seems sad. | |
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