| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 8/2/2006 6:52:06 PM | How many of us fly off the handle withour significant other, where in a similar situation with, say, a work mate, we take a deep breath and smile before we react.
Doesn't it make sense to be more reasonable with those we love? And if we don't, why do we take them for granted this way.
My ex was a classic example of this. The way he took me and the kids for granted. He'd never phone if he was going to be late home from work, but didn't think about it for a moment before he'd phone a friend to let them know he'd be late for a meeting. | |
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 8/2/2006 7:09:48 PM | Lassie, first of all, this is a great thread! Who could be voting to delete it? AAARRRGGGHH.
I think we are kinder to strangers/co-workers/friends simply because we don't have the comfort level with them that we do with our partners.
My partner is where I can go when no one else will have me. And my partner is the one person in the world that I can 'let down' with - who knows me well enough to know all the things that upset me. And my partner is the one person with whom I can truly be myself.
My colleagues don't know me that well and so I have a certain facade I need to maintain when I'm with them. And that facade can include kindness.
When I come home, that facade is unnecessary.
I do want to clarify though that this openness with my partner should never be an excuse to abuse my partner's acceptance of me. In a perfect world........ | |
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 8/2/2006 7:31:11 PM | If my next hunnybuns treats me less kindly than she does a stranger, I'll become a stranger again. Hey, that's exactly what I did last time...
Being yourself and expressing feelings shouldn't include allowing yourself to become abusive, because there are other ways to share the unhappy feelings; treating your partner unkindly damages the relationship. | |
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 8/2/2006 10:53:07 PM |
The way he took me and the kids for granted. He'd never phone if he was going to be late home from work
Guilty on all counts your honour.
I had that attitude throughout my last marriage. I was a trucker in those days, and didn't call home for 3 days in a row. However, if I had arranged to meet another driver at a particular spot, and couldn't make it, I was on the CB arranging through the grapevine to make sure the other driver knew.
Perhaps it the relationship at home, as in me not caring any more, or perhaps it was the comfort level of knowing that she would always be there. I don't know.
It has taken me a long time to change my ways, and through the last relationships, I have developed a steadfast rule to always let them know.
I have called after a trip, or during, even if the s/o had no purpose to be worried, just to reassure her that I was OK and thinking about her.
Maybe it's what some people call "maturity" | |
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 8/3/2006 5:45:43 AM | To, badly, quote Shakespere
"All the world is a stage and we are merely players."
I've always taken this to mean that we all put up a mask when tallking to people. We all try to be the person that we think that they (other people) WANT to see. Hence, our S.O.'s see us as we truly are, even if we are not aware of it at all.
Having said that, I must say I've always tried to just be me. What you see/hear is what you get. I try to be kind to all people, S.O. or not.
But, that's just me.
Scott | |
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 8/3/2006 8:14:21 AM | I have called after a trip, or during, even if the s/o had no purpose to be worried, just to reassure her that I was OK and thinking about her. Maybe it's what some people call "maturity"
Now that's what I call being interested in the gal - and it's what we all crave. Just to know that he cares enough to take the time to make a phone call isn't a lot to ask - is it? And isn't that what love is all about? | |
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 8/3/2006 10:04:15 AM | Good thread Scotch 
This is something I was guilty of in my marriage. But I know now that he allowed me to treat him that way. Taking people for granted is something we're all guilty of at one time or another. At this stage in our life, with bad experiences behind us, we should be in a place where we want to honour the person we are with.  | |
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 8/3/2006 11:46:03 AM |
But I know now that he allowed me to treat him that way.
I have to shoulder the blame too for allowing my ex to treat me the way he did.
I'm hoping I'll never take anyone for granted, love is too precious to squander that way | |
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 12/23/2007 9:43:19 AM | I also plead guilty (at least sometimes.)
A girlfriend & I had this exact conversation several years ago, asking the same thing. My ex would curse at me and call my vile names that he would never use in public or with his students. When I confronted him about it, he said it was because he "bottled it up all day and had to let it out when he got home." I didn't buy it then or now. Being in personal relationship does not give you license to be mean and disrespectful. | |
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 12/23/2007 10:10:38 AM | Any s-other who uses their significants as trash cans, need relegation back to stranger status, post haste. The best of s-others continue to build relationship with communicative action that encourage maturity; those feeling such respect is behind them or below them, soon find no one is.
I'd take a stranger's kindness over an abused "illusion" of being significant anytime. | |
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 12/23/2007 7:09:31 PM | ^^^ I agree. We seem to hurt the ones we love. We are more vulnerable because we open ourselves emotionally to them and the love that we share. Also, we hold those closest to us to a higher standard than we hold others.
I'm not saying that justifies bad behaviour, but I think it helps to understand why.
Understanding leads to a more intimate connection.
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 12/23/2007 7:43:52 PM | A stranger may be packing "heat" and looking for an excuse to use it. That alone is a good reason to be kind to all strangers.
At least if your S.O. plugs you, it's a personal statement and not some random act of violence. That, and you'll know they're just not into you. | |
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 12/23/2007 11:14:53 PM | We shouldn't be kinder to strangers than our s/o... but it happens often.
I remember my elderly mother talling my ex, he was good to everyone except his wife!!!! She saw it, and I was blinded, but finally woke up! LOL.
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 12/23/2007 11:30:43 PM | I have never been one to bad mouth whomever I was with...its just not my style. But I can't say the same courtsey has always been shown to me.
It bothers me tremendously to here couples bad mouth each other, either behind their backs or right to their faces...and especially in front of other people.
Like I said, it has happened to me...and the response from me was fair warning...warning that wasn't heeded. | |
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Tramp
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Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 17 | |
| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 12/24/2007 7:56:39 AM | | Yes, I am the type whom goes out the way to help others, yet when it comes to dear ones... It may be because I take them for granted; they are the few lucky ones though: they get to see both side of me. | |
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 12/25/2007 6:49:53 AM | My ex was always more concerned with what others needed or thought. He would go fix a leaking faucet when my floor was an inch deep in water. He worked on their car when mine was missing, and many other examples of others first.
My ex told me I was fat, ugly and stupid and sane man would ever want me. I gave him what he wanted--a divorce--guess I was not so stupid. He now tells me he wants me back--my question-I though I was fat, ugly and stupid? He was right about the "no sane man" part since he was asking.
Would I go back for more of that treatment? Read my lips, "AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN IN THIS LIFETIME OR THE NEXT!" I deserve better and it is somewhere in this grand and glorious pond! | |
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 12/25/2007 12:00:35 PM | | Like I've always said....there are 4 billion other people to argue and be nasty with if you have to, But not with the one I love | |
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 6/21/2009 9:30:12 AM |
How many of us fly off the handle withour significant other, where in a similar situation with, say, a work mate, we take a deep breath and smile before we react.
Doesn't it make sense to be more reasonable with those we love? And if we don't, why do we take them for granted this way.
My ex was a classic example of this. The way he took me and the kids for granted. He'd never phone if he was going to be late home from work, but didn't think about it for a moment before he'd phone a friend to let them know he'd be late for a meeting. This is something I noticed long, long ago--that people are usually always polite and nice to strangers or casual acquaintances, would never think of being rude or speaking harshly to someone they don't know very well, but will 'fly off the handle' quickly and without compunction when it is someone close, like a SO or child. I realized this a long time ago and swore to myself I would never be like this. Who do you value most, a stranger or the one's you love? So, I try very hard not to do this. Acting out misplaced anger is a weakness. When a situation or person outside my relationships has caused anger I do not want to visit that anger on those dear to me. | |
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 6/21/2009 2:30:11 PM | | a lot of this is because of the behind closed doors attitude that so many have. they make sure that they are good to people on the outside because it reflects on them where it counts for them. look good at work and get a promotion, volunteer work gives you accolades in society. my parents were both like this, great facade in public nasty people at home. people feel that "blowing off steam" is ok with their loved ones because they "understand" how they are. on the other hand, when a friend goes off on you, you're far more likely to let it slide off your back. a once in a blue moon attack from a friend is entirely different case than constant verbal abuse at home. | |
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 6/21/2009 2:43:17 PM | Ouch, this subject is one that still stings a little bit. I said once to my ex, "can you at least give me the same consideration you would give to a stranger on the street?" And he said "you don't deserve it." =(
If there is to be peace in the world,
There must be peace in the nations.
If there is to be peace in the nations,
There must be peace in the cities.
If there is to be peace in the cities,
There must be peace between neighbors.
If there is to be peace between neighbors,
There must be peace in the home.
If there is to be peace in the home,
There must be peace in the heart.
~Lao Tzu | |
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| Are we kinder to strangers than our s/o
Posted: 6/21/2009 3:21:04 PM | "How many of us fly off the handle withour significant other"
I don't fly off the handle at anyone. I don't see the point for that kind of drama.
If I wanted to fly off the handle at my s/o I would know it was time to get out of the relationship for both of our sakes. | |
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