| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 8/3/2006 5:49:28 PM | A few months ago I met an awesome guy. I saw him at a bar smoking a cigerette out back. You could tell he worked there by the chef pants he was wearing (which he actually looked really hot in!) We started talking and he seemed really cool. Said he was going to school for Sociology--interesting major, I thought. He mentioned that he didn't really know what to do in life, but I figured, ok, at least he's in school. It's not like he's at a stand-still.
So we exchanged numbers and started talking on the phone and going out on dates. I'm not gonna lie, I started falling for him right away even though my instincts told me something wasn't quite right.
To get to the point, he made a great first impression, but it was all downhill from there. He was insecure and constantly saying that he wasn't smart or attractive, and I think he really believed that about himself. I was always having to beef him up, but he wasn't looking for compliments. He never believed me when I said he was hot.
Last week I broke it off with him. His insecurities alone weren't to blame, but it definitely impacted my decision. Plus, many of the other reasons I broke it off with him are rooted in his lack of confidence. The fact that he doesn't go to school anymore or have any goals or dreams is due to the fact that he lacks the confidence to try to make things happen. His inability to deal with internal conflicts or create meaningful friendships is because he's afraid to say what's on his mind and heart--because he doesn't want to be judged.
To say the least--he eventually just turned me off completely.
Then the other day I was hanging out with this guy who's a friend of a friend. I've NEVER been attracted to this guy, and he had always been the shy, insecure type as well. But he said something the other day that shone with confidece--I forget what it was, or maybe it was just HOW he said it--but it intrigued me. At that moment he became appealing.
I want it to be known that both of these guys are extremely sweet and both are sensitive. But if you're a guy who lacks a good self-esteem, you may want to work on that. Even if you are the sexiest guy around, you become uglier than sin when you're so absorbed in what you're not, that you forget who and what you ARE.
Confidence IS important. Sometimes it can make or break a relationship. If you don't have confidence in yourself, how could you be confident in a partner or in your future together? | |
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| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 8/3/2006 8:11:09 PM | OP while i agree with the concept of having confidence . i get the feeling from your thread that you're alittle anal with this as being way too much of a deal breaker in your life.
there is a big difference between having "confidence" and being "over bearing".. i have the feeling you are not as confident with yourself as much as you would like to think you are. i have the feeling also that you judge alot more then you should and it maybe because you are very over bearing as a woman.
my opinion | |
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Matt_
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Joined: 7/2/2006
Msg: 4 | |
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| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 8/3/2006 8:49:48 PM | There is real confidence and false confidence...
If your fullachit... you have false confidence and your
stories will come down to crash and burn...
I met several guys who had that mindset.. and in a matter of weeks or
sometimes hours the real truth came out... that they were losers
and I got rid of them fast...
to me thats pure psycho... to try to BS your way
into someone life...
what a loser.
Real confidence is something very different as it doesnt
crash and burn... it creates trust and those are the only people
worth meeting.
Too bad there are so many that waste other peoples time. | |
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| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 8/3/2006 8:51:47 PM | Confidence is definately an attractive feature to me.
I don't think I would be too attracted to an extremely shy man or a man that constantly needed reassurance that he was smart or attractive or whatever. | |
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| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 8/3/2006 8:53:42 PM | OP- I've come to the realization that self-esteem is not really 100% self made. It usually comes from a combination of influences. Which include our peers, parents, success, and failures.
A simple example might be this:
Let's say a young child is overweight, constantly belittled, and called a fat ass. And the parents don't get involved in the situation. More often then not, he or she may end up with a low self confidence. Hence the need for weight loss and possible therapy.
There are some that enjoy kicking people when they're down.
Even those with low-esteem will agree with you. The problem is a little more complicated than you make it seem.
SUBLIME | |
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| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 8/3/2006 9:10:59 PM |
Even if you are the sexiest guy around, you become uglier than sin when you're so absorbed in what you're not, that you forget who and what you ARE.
Confidence IS important. Sometimes it can make or break a relationship. If you don't have confidence in yourself, how could you be confident in a partner or in your future together?
I have to agree with okiedokietxxx, while confidence is part of a strong character, it isn't the end of life, would you say a confident player is attractive...
Many men and women face inferior treatment due to a significant other, who takes pleasure in debasing their "loved ones", to feel better about themselves.
And many people come out of relationships with a bit of a shattered soul, and their pride damaged badly.
So don't be so critical of someone who isn't readily everything YOU want them to be, we all grow in a relationship, thats part of the program, its called compassion.
If you are going to judge someone because they lack some self confidence, then you are the one who thinks your $hit doesn't stink. | |
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| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 8/3/2006 10:48:03 PM | @MichelleRenee
What you say is completely true, as I'm learning, and people have a sixth sense about it. I think for a lot of men they need some sort of success (in their minds, not anyone elses) to have confidence. It really has to come from within, telling someone means nothing as they see it exactly as you describe it, someone trying to beef them up.
As a person with confidence issues (that I'm actively working on!) I can completely relate. I think it's worth feeling out those who may not be the most confident as often they can turn out to be great people. I think, if you are interested in someone like that, the key is to identify why they aren't confident and if it's realistic for you to play a role in bringing them out of their shell. At the same time knowing how much time/energy you are willing to invest in them for the potential you see.
A couple examples... a guy who as issues with his sexuality may be easy to bring out of his shell by being more aggressive with him and getting him to put the moves on so that he thinks it's his idea. Where as a guy with financial issues (ie: wants to be a financial success but sucks with money!) would be a lot more difficult, require a long term investment, and some serious patience. If you see the potential that outweighs the drawback of investing your energy - go for it! If not, cut and run as soon as you can and save your energy for someone who is worth it.
JMJ
Edit: not these are overly simplified examples obviously and the issues are usually well hidden and a lot more complex so take my comments with a grain of salt :) | |
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| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 8/3/2006 11:17:37 PM | OP: Very good and insightful post. (and well written)
People can change if they wish to. A person with low self-esteem / (lack of confidence is related) simply need to do some things which are estimable.
If a person can somehow realize they are suffering from low self esteem, then can make up their minds to start doing estimable things. Little things at first, but it gets the ball rolling, and the better one feels, the more they will do and a snowball effect begins.
The same basic idea can be used with depression or isolation. Sometimes by doing the opposite of what you feel like doing, like being around people, rather than sitting around the house feeling sorry for yourself, you get yourself out of these negative thinking patterns.
Taking action contrary to how you may feel can work wonders. | |
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| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 8/3/2006 11:32:21 PM | It sux when someone needs to hear how great they are... how hot they are.. how sexy they are... how nice their unit is......
I have no problem telling someone on my own... these things...
but when they cut themselves down... so you'll tell them... it's a huge turn off! | |
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| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 8/4/2006 12:26:39 AM | i totally agree....confidence is a big seller!!!!...ive met a couple of guys on here..that start off nice and then there like " u wont like me..im ugly" and i just thought that they just wanted to know if i liked them or something but no they actually believe it....and guys (well the guys i know) like that seem to be really clingy...like i was talkin to a guy like that for like a week and he told me he loved me becuase i was soo nice and compassionate....whoa buddy lol....soo confidence is always nice but too much confidence...like arrogence is such a turn off too...but this is just my opinion!!! lol | |
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| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 8/4/2006 4:06:24 PM |
If you are going to judge someone because they lack some self confidence, then you are the one who thinks your $hit doesn't stink.
I'm sorry, I don't really understand this comment. I never said my $hit does or doesn't stink, and that's not even the point I'm trying to make. The point is no matter WHAT your $hit smells like, be proud of it!
So don't be so critical of someone who isn't readily everything YOU want them to be, we all grow in a relationship, thats part of the program, its called compassion.
Why shouldn't we be critical when dating? Isn't that what finding the right partner is all about? Maybe insecurity is a flaw you can live with, but to the extent that he was bogged down in it is not a flaw I can live with. Different strokes for different folks. Maybe it is lack of compassion, I don't know. And I don't care either. If compassion means living for another person without any regard to oneself, then maybe I'm not compassionate. I know what I want and he didn't have it. I still sympathise with him. This isn't the first relationship he's lost due to this.
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This isn't my confidence issue, it's my ex's. I AM confident in myself, regardless of what anyone thinks from my original post. Does that mean that I feel vulnerable or insecure NEVER? No way! I totally go through those days where I feel unattractive (don't we all?), or when I feel like I'm not as successful as I'd like to be, or for whatever other reason. It's normal. It's human. It's those moments that I reevaluate myself and my life. I change what needs to be better and just laugh at or accept whatever can't be changed. I'm a strong woman--and I'm proud to say that because I haven't always been. I need someone strong to be with me. | |
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| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 8/4/2006 4:21:56 PM |
i have the feeling also that you judge alot more then you should and it maybe because you are very over bearing as a woman.
No, over bearing would be if I stayed with him and kept breathing down his back about what he needs to change. I do judge. We all judge. And I deemed him not a good match for me. I let him down kindly and we're now still friends. Bad person does it make me? So be it. I treated him only as I wish to be treated. If you don't like something about my personality, then beat it. I'm not changing for anybody. If you're not completely into me, sionara, I want someone who is. | |
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| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 8/4/2006 4:37:34 PM | Maybe it is lack of compassion, I don't know. And I don't care either. If compassion means living for another person without any regard to oneself, then maybe I'm not compassionate
Definitions of 'compassion' (k?m-pash?n) - 1 definition - The American Heritage® Dictionary
compassion (n.) Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.
So your right, you don't know what it is, and as you have stated you don't care.
A relationship involves two people not just one, so for you to think you have to live for someone else without regard to yourself is idiotic.
Compassion is an integral part of every relationship, if you don't know what it is, then somewhere down the line there was a lack of compassion for you.
You want a pre-made, all set and ready to go relationship fine, good luck, but as most will tell you a relationship is built on a foundation, doesn't come pre-packaged.
If you don't like something about my personality, then beat it..
With an attitude like that, they will be beating down your door... | |
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| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 8/4/2006 7:25:45 PM |
But maybe it's because I was honest about smoking weed. Ya ... I can understand not responding to that ... I avoid that like the plague. But to each his own. That's a different thread.
OT: I don't think anyone would want to spend any length of time with someone always basically hitting you up for a compliment. Besides, there are many ways to let your partner know you think their awsome ... doesn't always have to be a verbal picker-upper. | |
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| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 8/4/2006 7:35:46 PM | Cougar, why the claws?
A relationship involves two people not just one, so for you to think you have to live for someone else without regard to yourself is idiotic.
I'm sorry, I was being sarcastic here. I don't think that's what compassion means. What I was trying to say is that a person can be compassionate, but that doesn't mean they have to stay in a relationship that doesn't feel like it fits. You can't change people. They can only change themselves.
I don't know where you get the idea that I want a "pre-made" relationship. Relationships take work. You gotta pick the right person to make it work well. He wasn't the right person for me. And like I said in my original post, it wasn't solely due to his confidence issue, but it definitely helped me make my decision.
With an attitude like that, they will be beating down your door...
What I mean is if you don't like me for who I am then I'll find someone who will. Simple as that. If the type of people who would be beating down my door are the types who want me to say, "What don't you like about me? I'll change it for you. I'll be whatever you want me to be," then they're not the types I want anyway. So I'll be glad that they stay far away from my door.
The point of the thread is that confidence is attractive--magnetic even--and insecurity is unattractive. Many women agree. You don't. Fine. That's your opinion. You can take the advice or ignore it.
Truthfully--dating aside--a good self esteem is just better for your well-being. That alone alone is enough reason to work on it. | |
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| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 8/4/2006 8:34:35 PM | No claws here, I just would not dismiess someone for a lack of confidence, but neither would I tell them all day long they are hot, don't want to give them a big head either.
I could think of much worse things than confidence to end a relatiosnhip over..
The point of the thread is that confidence is attractive--magnetic even--and insecurity is unattractive. Many women agree. You don't. Fine. That's your opinion. You can take the advice or ignore it.
And looking at the repsonses many women agree with what you have said, and some men also.
As I mentioned before players, have tons of confidence and like you said many women agree, as many women also complain about it later on in a relationship.
But to each his own, if confidence is a deal breaker for you, fine you have to make yourself happy.
Some people don't like cheaters, or abusers you simply don't like men who lack confidence thats what you desire..
Happy dating | |
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| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 8/5/2006 8:35:22 AM | The point of the thread is that confidence is attractive--magnetic even--and insecurity is unattractive. Many women agree. You don't. Fine. That's your opinion. You can take the advice or ignore it.
This is a strange thread. It's one of those times where someone gives advice that wasn't asked for. One thing to remember. If someone doesn't ask for your opinion, you should pretty much gather that they don't give a fuk what you think. | |
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| Be Yourself and Be Confident... Even if Your $hit Stinks!
Posted: 10/26/2009 12:16:20 AM | | Maybe these guys are depressed. I had some struggles with depression in the past & it killed my confidence when it came to just about everything, but when I got over it my self-confidence returned. | |
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