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 Branes
Joined: 7/27/2006
Msg: 1
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A question for widowers from a recent widower. Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
My wife died on February 8th of this year. I started dating in June. I realize now it was too early but I also know it was because I missed having a woman around, the emotional closeness and to be honest, the physical contact. I've had a few casual dates and one intimate encounter with a lady who has now become more of a friend than a lover. It wasn't a planned intimate encounter. Started out as dating and just progressed from there.
In a way, I felt as if I was cheating on my wife's memory, but I also realize that having intimacy with someone is very life-affirming. It makes you realize you're alive and that you can go on and eventually love another. As I approach the 6 month anniversary of her death I realize that I'm still in love with her and not ready to give my heart to someone else.
Have any of you experienced anything like this?
 leeanna49
Joined: 6/18/2006
Msg: 2
A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 8/12/2006 6:39:51 AM
Im not a widow but wanted to at least put in my two cents worth, its a normal feeling that your going through, you lost someone you loved, shared life with, it wasnt like you got divorced, if you had those feelings from a divorce id say it was quite unhealthy , we all have a greiving proccess we have to go through, its part of the healing, your wife im sure would not want you to be alone the rest of your life, time helps to heal the hurt, it wont ever take it away completley but you will be able to move on, your feelings for her will maybe stay with you till the end of your days on this earth but you will also pehaps feel love in a different way for someone else, im glad you cant give your heart to someone else so soon, its a healthy choice your making, because sometimes being lonely makes us make the wrong choices in life, hang in there and take one day at a time.
 blonde demon
Joined: 6/8/2006
Msg: 3
A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 10/4/2006 5:55:39 PM
Branes;
I am a widow of 13 years. after my husband of 19 1/2 years died suddenly at age 44, I did not even look at another man for about 1 1/2 years. i was not ready to give him up either. I started dating a man thru mutual friends but purely platonic. he too was a widower and lost his wife 6 months after my husband's death. It was about a 1 before we took it to the next step. It just depends on the individual. sorry for your recent loss. 3 years ago I actually got engaged to a man (not the widower) and after living with him 1 month I broke it off. he drank too too much for me. I am fine now and enjoying life with my 2 grown children and my grandson.
 Be gone
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 4
A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 10/5/2006 1:00:11 PM
Branes,

My wife died a little over 4 years ago. Just so you know i did the same thing as you... About six months after my wife died I thought I could date again. It was a mistake. I have serious regrets for the hurt I might of caused the two women I dated in that time frame. Was just too soon, and too much. I wish I could contact one of them now... she was such a good person. Well, live and learn I guess.

In the last 6 months I have really been able to come to the conclusion that nothing will change to bring my wife back and it is o.k to move on. What is funny is now that I am ready to have a relationship I can't seem to find anyone that is interested.

I know that the 20 years I had with my wife was special... We intensely loved each other and had a relationship that most people only dream of. I want the feelings of the love and relationship that I had. But have come to the conclusion I also want it a little different this time around.

I consider this the second half of my life. I hope i can find someone that was is as loving, fun and devoted. If not, I seem to be doing pretty good by myself.

If you ever need someone to talk to that has been through all the emotional ups and downs of loosing someone you love drop me a line.

It does get easier, but it also takes time. The first two years are really the hardest, at least it was for me.
 Mustlovedogs1963
Joined: 4/7/2006
Msg: 5
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A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 10/6/2006 9:36:24 AM
I am responding from the "other side" of this equation. I am the woman who was assured that enough time had passed and it was time for him to date again, even after my concerns were voiced numerous times.

I do not want to sound bitter, because I do have the utmost empathy for you and everyone else who has lost a spouse. But there are two people involved, and you should do everything you can to make sure you are ready to date again before dating anyone steadily.

I realize that's a difficult call to make; i.e., how do you know until you try? Well, one suggestion is make sure you let the other person know up front you may not be ready.

I have come to the conclusion, after sticking with him for seven months, that he STILL is not ready. However, he cannot tell me that. When I ask him where we stand, he simply says, "I don't know."

I have fallen in love with him, so now I have to deal with a broken heart. It would have been nice had he been completely up front with me in the beginning instead of telling me he was ready.
 suburbangirl13
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 6
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A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 10/12/2006 8:40:30 PM
i have been a widow for 14 yrs in january. i still have not had a real relationship yet.
i have not given up yet
still too young!

 jenh721
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 7
A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 11/3/2006 9:11:45 PM
This is from the opposite side of the coin. I dating a widower for about 5 months. We had been friends beforehand and his wife was my best friend. She was pregnant with their first child when she died. They were killed in a car accident. It has been heartbreaking to fall in love with someone, have it returned, and then be told that the person isn't ready for a relationship. I think he struggles with guilt over moving on. We were at the point of talking about a future together when he suddenly decided that he couldn't move on. He is still very much in love with his first wife and she died almost 10 months ago. Please think twice before involving another person in your life, as it has been very hard for me to go from being his girlfriend to being his friend again. Perhaps if she hadn't been my best friend we would no longer be friends, but there is a connection between us because of that that keeps me in his life.
 jenh721
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 8
A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 11/3/2006 9:15:56 PM
I am in the same boat as you! I fell in love with the man who had been married to my best friend. She and their unborn child died in a car accident in January. I am really trying to get past the broken heart and stay friends with him, but it is hard. He was ready to move on in the beginning and I think it was more a matter of wanting to move on, but not being ready to move on. I have discovered the difference. Now we are still friends, and I'm trying to move on with my life without him as a companion. It is hard, because the feelings are still there - I believe on both sides, but I think it will take him a long time to get over her death. I have come to the conclusion that it very well may be a mistake to get involved with a widower.
 Branes
Joined: 7/27/2006
Msg: 9
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A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 11/13/2006 6:49:45 PM
Jenh,
Forgive me saying this, but I think you're being selfish. You want him to give you his heart NOW because you want to be the only woman in his life. What's your hurry? If you're friends and he cares for you and you for him just enjoy each other's company until such time that he realizes he's in love with you. You said that the feelings are there on both sides so it is obvious he cares for you and in time, will realize that he does love you. Infatuation, what we call love today happens quickly and can die just a quickly, Real, abiding, caring, I want to be only with this person forever love takes time and requires nurturing. What he needs right now is a good friend, a shoulder to cry on occasionally and someone to share his very deep feelings with and maybe someone just to hold him and tell him it's going to be allright. We men need that too although we like to pretend we don't, at least to each other. I can tell you that he'll probably never stop loving his wife. No good man would and you wouldn't want him to, but he can love you too. Just don't insist that he trade the memory of his wife for you.
He can't and won't do that. But as time goes on, she'll become more of a fond memory while he's living in the present with you. If you love him, you'll understand that and realize that his love for his departed wife proves that he is capable of loving someone deeply and that someone will eventually be you. A man that has learned to love someone with all his heart is a very valuable commodity in today's self-oriented society. If you let go of him because you're not willing to wait till he's ready, you'll probably regret it the rest of your life. And he'll probably love you even more for being willing to wait for his heart to catch up. I have to seriously disagree with you about widowers. Would you rather have a man who has been divorced and might harbor anger, bitterness and hatred towards his ex-wife and have a cynical attitude toward love and marriage or a man who loved his late wife deeply yet can still want to love again? Those, of course, aren't the only choices, not every divorced man harbors a lot of baggage, but given the options, if I were a woman, I'd go for the man that has proven that he can love someone with all his heart no matter how long it takes. At the very least, you'll have a good friend and companion. At our age, that's something worth having.
That's just my opinion and of course, I'm biased because I am a widower. Good luck,
Rick
 floridafancy
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 10
A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 11/2/2007 10:03:01 AM
Well spoken Rick. Sorry for your loss. I do believe that loved ones that have passed on would want the surviving spouse to be happy.
 FishOwl
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 11
A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 9/7/2008 7:24:03 PM
"but I think you're being selfish. You want him to give you his heart NOW because you want to be the only woman in his life. What's your hurry?"

I am as sorry for your loss as can be because my wife of 33 yrs, 122 days was killed by cancer almost 23 months ago, but I must disagree. If he is dating again he is implicitly stating that he has checked his baggage and taken care of his issues, or at least the majority of them, before throwing his hat into the ring. It is not fair to try dating again when what you really want is a combination mother figure, therapist and grief counselor.

No one should be given that burden until and unless they agree to it and that means going into it with full revelation. It took me almost a year of thinking and rethinking and rethinking again many times before I could reach a position where I firmly believe, based on data from several reputable web sites - I am a geek, after all - that I am now ready.

Do you want to go on a date or begin establishing a relationship that includes friendship and discovery and is difficult enough only to find this block in the way? Surprising enough, neither does anyone else. No one should be subjected to this form of mental trauma.

People who have been married are presumed to be adults. It is about time they started acting like it, walking the talk, and lose their egocentric view of the universe by thinking of the welfare of people other than themselves, especially those whom they chose to date and/or become intimate.
 NaperMan88
Joined: 8/27/2008
Msg: 12
A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:18:32 PM
Lost my wife to breast cancer in 2007.

Everyone grieves at their own pace. I know those who dated and found love a month after losing their spouse, and others that weren't ready five years later.

It's a hard road loving a widow/widower....and some have painted a romanticized view our status .....seeking us out. Within a year of my wife dying I had several of her friends becoming close to me (and I am not a handsome man). One that I did make a mistake of becoming intimate with was her best friend (who was married). Bad idea....and we ended it.

Take your time.....don't rush it. Don't expect to ever "get over" losing her.....you just get used to it.
 Oriel 9
Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 13
A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 9/16/2008 7:02:57 PM
Hello. I've been a widow a little over 4 years. We had been married 21 years.
I've been dating because I miss my partner in crime. Sometimes people
romaticize the widow/widower, they don't really think of the pain and loss that
we live with. It's so different from divorce. We keep pics of our loved ones around.
I know it's hard to understand if you date us. Really it's 'cause we had love interrupted, without rhyme our reason, that we search for the comfort we miss. It's no one's fault, it's just life.


Sue
 lobita200
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 14
A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 2/6/2009 12:11:47 PM
Hello Branes, I am new here and I was glad to hear about your feedback. It called my attention that you called your previous respondant as being selfish.... i am going through the same situation, he was was my friend and co worker for 5 years, his wife died recently, i know that 2 months is too soon to date, but while going through the first stage of the grief, he came closer to me to find some shelter and emotional support, he all of the sudden felt some attraction and actually confessed to me how atracted he was in the past but because he was married he was very respectful to me, we hav shared so many things together, we always arranged all our business trip together and we had lunch together for many years... so we felt very attached. He told me he felt strange having different feelings for me, and the fact that we know eachother so well and i am fond of his little daughter he was feeling too confortable with me and asked me to take a next level in our frienship, which meant, getting closer... of course i never realized how i loved him until i saw him suffering this loss.... all of the sudden he is distanced again. i guess he feels guilty for starting to feel happy too soon and his daughter is still not over the loss... we are still in contact, he still talks to me a bit but he is not longer romantic, in fact i have the feeling that he avoids me a little, i am hoping this is because i probably make him nervious or he gets too emotional with my presence... but it does hurt. After giving myself to him... to see him getting distance and just tell me "time will tell what happens between us, i am not ready yet".... it really cuts my heart, i am trying to be his friend, and support him just like you said, but i am afraid i am giving too much and maybe some day some other woman will take him away from me. I dont know how deep he fell for me, but he went through all the stages of falling in love, it was not a one night stand that we went crazy all of the sudden and made love,... it was NOT like that, he courted me nicely, he spent xmas with me and my parents, we talked over making this step for weeks just to make sure it was a good decision, since we were best friend and attracted to eachother, and most of all he put his daugther in myheart, he took me to a trip with her, and he made her know that Sara was his dear friend and he loved me very much... he never told me "i love you"... but he did say " I am sooo afraid of what is happening to my feelings with you, i know its too soon but i feel much better when i am around you, andyou are my best friend and somone i have always admired, i think i am falling for you and i wish you could b with me all the way, i want to recover and be better for you and be the man you deserve"..... so for me this was like a declaration of love. I am now feeling very lonely because he is distanced, only talks like a friend, and i dont know what ever happened to those feelings, do they actually disapear? or maybe he is just hiding this for now and giving priority to his daughter... can you tlel me from your experience what could be happening in my friend ´s mind and heart?
 silly155
Joined: 3/28/2009
Msg: 15
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A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 9/4/2009 11:05:18 PM
I am 6 months widowed and I don't see anything wrong with dating for companionship. Having someone to go to movies with or coffee etc. Why does it have to be for marriage and not just friendship or companionship? I know I'm not ready for a serious relatonships but I will go to see a movie or meet someone for conversation over coffee. Is that misleading if it understood from the get go?
 sherbearr333
Joined: 11/6/2008
Msg: 16
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A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 9/8/2009 4:40:43 AM
Each of us, as widows (or widowers) need to take it at our own pace. There is nothing wrong with going out for the movie or coffee with new companions. It helps us to figure out where we are and where we need to go emotionally. Sometimes it just doesn't feel right, so back off. If it does feel right, then progress further, one step forward, maybe two steps back, but we all eventually do move forward and find new friends and companions.

Others are ready to move forward quickly, kudos to those who are ready for that, but not all can move that quickly. That's ok, too!
 LeeAnne51
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 17
A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 9/13/2009 12:38:46 PM
From my side of the coin, I think if you start out being honest with who ever your seeing and let them know up front that friendship is all you can offer and give in return there will be less hurt on both sides, dont make it sexual just make it friends, I was friends with someone who had been married 34 years and lost his wife, its been 2 years and hes still not over her nor will im guessing he will never be over her but he still needs friendship and companionship, the loss and being alone is one of the most hardest things to deal with when you speant your life with one person, most times people jump into dating and relationships way to fast as a quick fix before they even have began to heal and thats where the mistakes were made, when him and I started dating he had only been alone 6 months even though he told me it had been over a year, had he been upfront and honest im not sure if id of went out to begin with or not but once we became friends I realized how much he really needed a friend to talk too and listen to him and thats what I became a friend only, we no longer talk any more, his family (grown kids) felt dad shouldnt see anyone so he chose to listen to them and thats ok I was a friend and helped him thru some of his bad times and thats what counts. So always be honest and upfront and for gosh sakes dont rush into anything your not ready for please.
 magrji
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 18
A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 10/14/2009 5:21:40 PM
My wife passed away two years ago. I've avoided any relationships with women because I didn't want to subject anyone to my grief, but I recently posted on this site because I think I'm ready to date again. A friend of mine lost his wife a couple of months after I lost mine. I called him after the funeral to see how he was coping. He had been married longer than I and he is quite a bit older too. He said that he was looking forward to dating again because he loves being with women. I thought it was odd at first but less than a year after his late wife's death, he was married again and very happy. After I gave it some thought, I realized that I, too, love being with women and hope that I'll find someone special to share my life with. I feel your pain in having to say goodbye to your wife, lover, and best friend, but, as for me, I think there is someone different out there who is just as special, just as loving, and who can grow old with me.

As a post script, my late wife told me to find someone else and though I don't consider it a deathbed promise, I know she loved me enough to want me to be happy in a new relationship.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 19
A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 12/15/2009 11:39:33 AM

If he is dating again he is implicitly stating that he has checked his baggage and taken care of his issues, or at least the majority of them, before throwing his hat into the ring. It is not fair to try dating again when what you really want is a combination mother figure, therapist and grief counselor.


The way I can think of to relate to this is "BULL"!!!!!!!!
No matter how much a person thinks, believes they have left their " baggage" at the door, etc...............You can only learn to date again by doing it.You can only learn to inter-act with people by going among those people.

I agree that he needs more time...and that she might be in too big a hurry. I feel for her, because I know after reading soooooooooooooooo many threads about us
" strange" creatures that have lost their spouses to death.....we are all painted with a rather depressing brush.!!
Sounds to me as if he is doing the very best he can with the cards dealt to him. Obviously he cares for her, he is just in a very delicate place still. I would say he is trying to be very protective of her feeelings. I know from my own experience that a widowed person can feel that they are completely ready to go on with life. HE WANTS to!!. Then something even as small as a fleeting thought can set you back. This man not only lost his wife but an unborn child. He needs lots of patience. He doesn't need to be babied.......just space. Space is something that all men and women need anyway.
He will come to his own conclusion as to who and what he wants in his life. To PUSH him, would be to PUSH him away.
It is not easy to allow him that time. You don't have to sit around, go on with your life.......just keep the lines open.....if he is important to you.
Sometimes the quiet spirit of a woman is much more attractive than the constant need to be upfront in his life. Only he can decide where another woman fits into his life.
 Blix1957
Joined: 12/12/2009
Msg: 20
A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 12/16/2009 10:31:55 AM
I too lost my wife after being together for 12 years. You don't really know if you are ready to move on until you try again. It either works or it doesn't. I think that if you go into a relationship with with that information out in the open is the best thing.

I dated a few times one year after she passed away. One lasted a couple of dates, but was not progressing well for either of us. I dated a few once and done, but met someone through friends and had a great summer together. At the end of that, she thought I still had issues from my marriage, or at least used that as an excuse to break it off.

I know I didn't feel that way, but I'm read to get back out there and try again.

I also feel that our expectations are higher this time around and although we may not be able to describe on this web site exactly what we are looking for, we know it when we see it, but more importantly we know when we do not see it.
 goldengunnigirl
Joined: 11/22/2009
Msg: 21
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A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 1/25/2010 10:50:18 AM
What ever happened with him in the end? I am worried because I have begun to fall for one myself, I don't want to get my heart broken, and I keep reading posts from women who thought they had a good thing w/ a widower and then he got scared and backed away?
 Paradoxx
Joined: 7/2/2005
Msg: 22
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A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 2/2/2010 4:33:19 PM
Oriel9, I lost my husband, unexpected and suddenly, did not see it coming...and am mourning him now, as I loved him deeply (mental illness...his love just shut down).

I dont mean to trivialize your loss at all...I really cannot fathom your pain, but please know...when one spouse leaves a spouse that is fully and deeply committed to their relationship, it feels like hell, and the loss of the happiness I have felt is profound. I know full well it will be a long time until I can open up again...or even want to.

Just adding this to the conversation, loss is loss, and when you love your spouse, any loss of that love and companionship is life-altering. Until the day when he looked at me without emotion and said he made a mistake in marrying me, I was the happiest of happy women.
 deb1961A
Joined: 9/9/2009
Msg: 23
A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 2/9/2010 12:44:46 PM
Have faith golden: Alot of people posting are posting lousy experiences.. not many post in here or are even on POF if they are in happy relationships, so these posts are a bit slanted in that regard.

There will always be w/w that are not ready to date, but as has been said in previous posts, we just dont know til we try. We miss the closeness of a partner or a mate, even someone to talk to , share a meal with or go to a movie with. Sometimes we tend to rush out earlier than we should without thinking of the consequences for the other person in the equation. It can be frustrating for both... for the widow/er that backs away from a new relationship without warning, as well as for the other person that he/she has been dating.

Just hang in there... you will find the right guy, be he widower, single or divorced...
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 24
A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 2/9/2010 5:48:11 PM
Alot of people posting are posting lousy experiences.. not many post in here or are even on POF if they are in happy relationships, so these posts are a bit slanted in that regard.


I agree!
The bad stories are the ones most often heard.
There are always certain levels a person is at with reguards to their openess and readiness for dating, especially having lost a loved one to death.
I did not feel any quilt at dating or becoming involved with someone after my divorce. Being widowed was a whole different story.
Op, six months, six days, six years, all irrelevant when it comes to being ready.
But the intimate encounter...


In a way, I felt as if I was cheating on my wife's memory, but I also realize that having intimacy with someone is very life-affirming. It makes you realize you're alive and that you can go on and eventually love another.


I think this ranks with when I first started putting myself out there to date.I was afraid I might be too old, not pretty enough anymore, no longer the barbie type, too opinionated, etc..a million insecurities. It was WONDERFUL to realize that I was still sought after, still attractive to men , etc.
My first relationship turned out really bad, not because I was a widow, ....other reasons.........but it showed me that I could CARE for someone deeply again...and that is worth the pain it caused me!
 crackerjack10
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 25
A question for widowers from a recent widower.
Posted: 3/22/2010 7:20:23 PM
Hi, i was widowed at the age of 38 which was 5 years ago now, dont give up we all go through diferent emotions when we lose someone. I started dating not to long agoawf and felt like i was cheating an felt awful but then remembered that my husband wouldnt want me to be alone forever. I have now met someone and told him everything and we a just taking it slowly . dating again is scary but you know what you need to start living again. To love someone again is a great feeling.

Good luck. x
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