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| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 8/18/2006 12:19:50 PM | I was diagnosed and treated for prostate cancer a few years ago. I took radiation therapy. I have not been in relationship for several years and I'm wondering with the epidemic it has become, how the guys have coped with the side effects and moving on with life. And for the women, how you have coped with the changes with the man that is/was in your life. And for those not in relationship is this a deal breaker, something to shy away from, or can you see yourself becoming involved and working with the man you now care about and having a fullfilling life no matter what it may look like.
I'm kind of walking around this but basically erectile problems can/may/perhaps be an issue. I have no clue how my body will react other than my experience's of a solitary nature. So far, for the most part, I have risen to the occasion. Bringing a woman into the picture, with my self doubts, may be a different issue. I am fully aware of the many ways of satisfying a partner, that does not alter the little voice in me that has been know to tell me "I'm not good enough". I'm sure some of you are dealing with this and it is an issue that appears to be getting worse. I'v been told it is a very similiar experience for women that have gone through breast cancer. I've also been told that a lack of nurturing as a child MIGHT be a root cause for this. Seems far fetched but who knows. Small wonder I (and maybe you) have a desire to be/feel nurtured.
Thats enough for now I'm willing to discuss this further if needed.
Please save witicisms/whimsey/put downs and criticisms for another time.
Thanks..Alan | |
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| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 8/18/2006 2:16:28 PM | Let me commend you on dealing openly with this issue. It is epidmic - 1 in 3 over 50! I had radical prostatectomy on April 20th and I am back to full activities - walking 10,000 steps a day. My only problems now are riding my bike - transfer of mechanical energy to the inner ore of the body reminds me healing is still taking place. Also, pulling on tall weeds or hard raking results in a bit of a stitch as well. My surgeon has informed complete healing will take a year.
As for the two side effects - incontince and erectile dysfunction, I have almost complete urinary control unless I lift something poretty heavy, like my bass amp, with a full bladder. Based on my experience to date, I suspect this will be under full control within 6-8 months (it has only been 4 months to date). In terms of erections, I am now having pretty normal nocturnal erections and I suspect I am going to do well in this area as well.
I was diagnosed as a result of what was believed to be a prostate infection - this was a very disruptive and annoying condition. After several courses of antibiotics, it was apparent that something else was going on and the scope and biopsy revealed prostate cancer - Gleason 6. Lots of choices. I opted for sugery because it held the possibility of a complete cure and elimination of two other ugly conditions - recurring infection and prostate enlargement.
Here's some humour! The male prostate is the best argument against the theological argument for "intelligent design!"
I could have opted for other treatments or simply sat back and watched, but experience with friendsw and colleagues was that failure to treat agressively and immediately puts you in a situation where your treatemnt options are more limited and side effects more severe. I am 58 and very active and had the opportunity to simply deal with this and put it behind me. Thus far, it looks like I have made the right decision.
As for dealing with women, you need to look at the big picture here. First, every man over 50 is starting to have some erectile issues which are a result of aging, obesity, circulatory issues, diabetes and a host of other conditions. That is why we are seeing som nay Cialus and Viagara ads on TV. My surgeon put it this way: Rank yourself from 1 to 10 and then realize that the surgery will have some effect. If you are a 9, you will probably be a 7 or 8. But, if you are a 6, you will probably be a 4 or 5.
The state of your general health is very important as you age and everybody, men and women, should be making this a priority once they hit 50. It does matter what you get hit with, you re going to repsond better if you are active, eat well, have simplified your life and are in good health. I sailed through the sugery, went home after two days and was working from home within two weeks.
So, if women are dating men over 50, they are dealing with erectile issues in one form or another.
The second point is that there are very few women who are into hard core screwing at any age despite what the media may lead people to think. Women are much more complex and subtle in their sexual responses and this becomes more so with age. They are much more interseted in the total picture and you seem to be aware of this - they enjoy the emotional connection, cuddling, considerate acts, sharing, conversation, personal time, etc.
If you are dealing with a mature woman, she probably has a pretty good idea what it takes to have an orgasm and you should be aware that not all women have orgasms that easily. At this stage of the game, thye have to assume some responsibility on the communication side of this if this really an important thing for them.
You seem to be quite aware of this, however, when you say: "I am fully aware of the many ways of satisfying a partner, that does not alter the little voice in me that has been know to tell me "I'm not good enough". I'm sure some of you are dealing with this and it is an issue that appears to be getting worse."
I think it is important to look at the broadest perspective - you are an odler man, and you would probably have trouble running a mile, doing 50 chin ups or standing on your hands! What if you met a woman your age who expected that you do such things?
I think the answer here is COMMUNICATION - you need to sit down with a PARTICULAR woman in an appropriate time and place and talk about EROTIC LIFE - not erections, penetration, sex positions, etc. This is the real issue because as we get older we have more limited physical resources, but a hell of a lot more sophistication and wisdom.
You may have to look for a great woman who loves poetry. wine, massage and . . . . prolonged oral sex! | |
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| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 8/18/2006 2:25:16 PM | This is an interesting thought.
I hope that a loving relationship holds more than just penetrative sex. And I hope a man is more than his erection.
If one is willing, and eager, to pleaseones partner with methods other than intercourse, I can see no reason why one cannot have a normal relationship. Give and take is the stuff of life!
And a relationship is all about nurturing, isn't it?
Sweet | |
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| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 8/18/2006 2:29:16 PM | | beta sitosterol'''' find it on the web- .............. Raw vine ripened tomatoes- lots of them-.......................... pumkin seeds- raw-and pumpkin seed oil-....... And frequent sexual activity in your relationship......... though I have never had to deal with the problem myself.. I understand that this protocol is not only an excellent preventive. But very possibly the cure as well. Or at least it has worked for many......... good luck | |
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| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 8/18/2006 3:40:25 PM | Thee area avriety of things that can assist in the management of prostate enlargement and cancer, but none are "cure-alls." I would not consider taking this route without the supervision of a capable physician.
The precursor of prostate cancer is a well documented type of oxidative damage that is repaired by the body, but incorrectly. This leads to further damage that eventually culminates in what we call "cancer."
There is a very good book that puts this in the broadest possible perspective and shows the link between oxidate damage, immflamation and aging. Here it is:
Oxygen, Nick Lane, Format: Trade Paperback · Published: September 2003
ISBN: 0198607830 · Published By: Oxford University Press
Prostate cancer is also related to diet - quite rare in southeast asia and Africa where people do not eat a lot of meat and dairy products as a protein source. When people immigrate from those areas the rate goes up and approximates the North American norm in th second generation. those of Afriacn descent have a substantially higher rate when they adopt a North American diet.
The bottom line:
Eating a balanced, low-fat diet ensures overall and heart health, and may contribute to halting recurrence of prostate cancer. Exercise is also crucial to decrease the risk of disease. Studies have shown that men over age 65 who got at least three hours of strenuous activity — swimming, running, jogging, biking — a week had a 70% lower risk of advanced prostate cancer.
Here are some key take-home messages:
q Keep your fat intake to around 20% of your
daily calories.
q Cut back on red meat, and aim for two to
three servings of fish per week.
q Use plant-based protein sources (e.g. beans,
peas, lentils, soy) more often.
q Eat five to 10 servings a day of fruits and
veggies and at least two helpings of
tomato sauce or juice a week.
q Take a daily multivitamin with
the RDA for vitamin E and
selenium.
q Stick to the RDA for calcium
of 1,200 mg/day if you’re over
age 50 or 1,000 mg/day if
you’re younger, from foods
and supplements combined.
For men on hormonal
therapy, the recommended
amount is 1,500 mg daily.
q Finally, don’t forget to
exercise | |
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| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 8/18/2006 6:46:33 PM | What great responses, a little surprised there hasn't been more, however perhaps it's not politically correct to "let it all hang out". I've also noticed (well duh) there is little or no ejaculate, which may be condidered a win by some. Jove333 particullarly informative and great to hear from you. Sweetlyshy thanks for your input, and understanding, one of the reasons I'm a little gun shy.
Sorry you've taken your profile off.
Good luck to all. | |
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| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 8/18/2006 7:19:23 PM | I feel like I've snuck into a very male dominated conversation...so I will whisper quietly in the corner and you can just ignore me if I'm out of place.
Let me start by saying that sex is an important part of a relationship...so is companionship, friendship, sharing, talking, intimacy, communication etc etc etc....
In an existing relationship I would think that the issue is only one part of the formula that makes the relationship sustainable...and through open communication and other ways of maintaining the intimacy that the "problem" would not sound the "final gong" for the relationship. If it did then I'd be questioning the wholeness of the relationship in the first place.
I can understand that little voice in your head niggling away......it seems that for men so much emphasis is placed on the functionality of that appendage that anything that threatens that, can threaten your sense of self. For this lady at least, a man who has all of the other successful ingredients of a relationship is way ahead in the partner stakes than someone whose bits function brilliantly, but who is focussed on the sex and is not aware of the other ingredients.
In terms of establishing a new relationship I'd suggest focussing on the other things women love - communication, honesty, romance, intimacy, companionship, consideration etc etc etc....talk about your op and the side effects, but dont assume they will sound the death knell for the relationship..if it does..the relationship may not be what you are seeking...
Alan....be not afraid..there are many, many of us out here that look beyond the bedroom for a successful, sustainable, relationship...and if the erectile issues are fixed then oh what another lovely part to add back into your relationship....
Just my humble whispered opinion...
Sue | |
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| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 8/18/2006 8:48:34 PM | "What great responses, a little surprised there hasn't been more, however perhaps it's not politically correct to "let it all hang out"."
You are probably right - but there is also the fact that men do not discuss these things among themselves. (i.e., How's your prostate this month, Bob! I'm way down on ejaculate these days!) My first trip to the urologist was a real eye opener - a packed room of VERY UNHAPPY looking folk - about 75 % men itting in stony silence and a smaller number of embarrased women. Perhaps they could not figure out what all those men were doing there! (waiting for their wives!).
This is a siginifcant and important topic - all three issues - infection, enlargment and cancer which many peiple are going to ahve to deal with in one form or another. Let me commend you again for bringing it up here.
"I've also noticed (well duh) there is little or no ejaculate, which may be condidered a win by some."
I would discuss this with your doctor. I had this symptom as well, along with it taking quite a long time to have an orgasm. These could be viewed as "positive" developments, but they bely an underlying disease process you want to keep an eye on.
Until I was diagnosed and did my research, I alays thought of the female reproductive system as being a lot more complex than the male. The prostate is actually a real piece of "high tech." There are all kinds of secretions involved which are essential to reproduction and I did not know about the sphincter that has to slam shut at just the right moment to prevent "retrograde ejaculation" (i.e., into the bladder!).
This is a very complicated piece of hardware and I don't think most men have any idea how complex erections and reproduction really are. This is true for women as well. | |
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| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 8/18/2006 8:56:24 PM | | OP - think of it this way.....if you met a wonderful lady and had a great relationship, but for some medical reason she couldn't have regular sex....but was still interested in cuddling and using other methods to please you and have fun......would that be a deal breaker for you? A relationship is all about how you get along as people....the sex is a bonus..... And I think you'll find for most women, it's more about the intimacy than the actual act. | |
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| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 8/19/2006 5:48:24 AM | Just remember that this can be a positive topic as well. Dealing with a life event like this is a test of character and helps to reveal who you are and how you deal with things in your life. I think most decent women would welcome and respect this.
I know my own decision to opt for surgery was really a reflection of my own character and personality. "Watchul waiting" was definitely not an option for me - when you have a problem you confront it dead in the eye and deal with it, make the best decision, accept the consequences and use the outcome as a resource in getting on with life's adventure.
I really learned a lot from this experience - about myself, the disease, a major social problem and how other people relate to things like that emotion laden word, "cancer."
The simple truth is that once you are over 50, "trouble," in one form or another is on the way - that is the human condition. What we should be looking for in life are people who stay engaged, accept their mortality and reach out to other people in whatever way they can. | |
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| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 6/10/2007 4:09:42 PM | | I have been involved with a man (now 47) who was diagnosed at stage 3 prostate cancer at the tender age of 41. He went to Calfornia for an alternate opinion and they recommended 18 months of chemo after some mild radiation and followed by 4 years of oral therapy. Needless to say he is much less than functional due to decreased sensation but the worst is he has almost no desire. (I am yelling in the background - what about me????) I have tried almost everything in my little book of knowledge to engage him but he really has limited desire. He is affectionate just not sexual. He forgets how I am affected by this. Communication doesnt seem to be the issue here - avoidance is. Help! To those touched by this dreaded disease it may not be taking your life but it may... take your relationship if you are not willing to consider your partner. I dont look at myself as selfish but just human. | |
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| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 6/10/2007 4:25:12 PM | Sorry to hear about your cancer - V Happy to hear you are ok!!!
So, men have erectile issues that come with the ever changing ever aging male body.
I suppose now would be a good time to tell you that I am (quite) menopausal! lol
And - I know it isn't funny, but if I don't laugh when I'm not having symptoms - I may never laugh! lol!!!
If I was involved with a man who was dealing with this issue, I would like to know as soon as possible. No! Not because it's a deal breaker, because I would then be free to reassure him that it is Not an issue for me, And I most certainly would be supportive and nurturing. Just silly to hold something like that against a person, unless the only thing yer into is sex! There's a whole lot more to relationships than slamming bodies!
I am human. I am female. I am imperfect.
I am looking for a human male with just the right imperfections for me.
((btw - I'm great for saving on heating costs in the winter!))
Dee | |
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bayrab
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Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 16 | |
| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 6/10/2007 4:30:31 PM | If you have read any of my posts, you'll know that lack of physical attention is just one of the many issues that brought down my marriage.
That said, please don't think that's the only thing I want in a man-woman relationship.
If this lack of sex was due to prostate cancer, i'd be far more concerned about the health of the man than the lack of sex in our lives. There are a variety of ways to satisfy sexual urges that don't have to involve a penis and vagina. If you and your lady are open minded, she can have her needs met whether or not you can get it up and you can be involved as passionately with her as ever.
I think that's what I missed the most was not just the physical act, but the passion and touching and caring. I felt like a piece of furniture. If we had been able to have discussions such as this, there might have been a better outcome for us as a couple. But the subject was simply off limits. Not up for discussion. Shut up and go away.
I commend all you guys on bringing this issue up and my guess is that like everything else in a relationship, if two people really care for each other, there are compromises and workable solutions.
chris | |
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| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 6/10/2007 4:46:58 PM | WOW...am I impressed!!  A real life- altering, human experience being discussed like adults, and I'm learning something to boot. The OP deserves an honest answer (which I think he expected other men to give) but hope a woman's point of view will be OK nonetheless.
As a 60 year old woman with numerous relationships in the past, I can say w/o hesitation 'sex' and 'money', in that order, are the two most important issues with a man. Right or wrong, depending on who you are talking to, if a man doesn't 'feel' like a man, his subconscious tells him he's worthless. Loose his shorts in the stock market and his self-esteme hits rock bottom. I honestly understand but definately do not agree and nothing I or any one else will say can lessen those feelings....it MUST come from within. To any man who has traveled the doubting-thomas road due to a medical sexual dysfunction, I say this:
"To a good woman, a man's worth is neither measured by size or function, but by the desire to please. With open communication and total honesty, anything is possible but you must believe in your own value first."
LIB | |
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| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 6/10/2007 7:10:33 PM | LIB..."To a good woman, a man's worth is neither measured by size or function, but by the desire to please. With open communication and total honesty, anything is possible but you must believe in your own value first."
Couldn't have said it better myself.
The few men that I've dated closer to my own age were more interested in what I could do to please them. When having sex, their orgasm was the primary goal...if I had one, great, but so what.
The over 60's that I dated warned me that they had some dysfunction and that I should not expect much. Well....they were the most satisfying relationships that I've been in. They were caring, considerate, respectful and aimed to please and spoil. They offered that same attitude in bed...pleasing and pleasuring me was utmost on their agenda as they were never sure what the outcome of my pleasing and pleasuring them would be. Penile penetration was a very, very small part of the experience....and a wonderful, well-rounded, fun, intimate, exciting experience it was too.
Don't worry if your little friend has turned into Mr. Rip Van Winkie because there is SO much more to a relationship, sex and intimacy than penile penetration ending in ejaculation. Learn to accept the pleasures that you are still capable of experiencing and just enjoy being in a mutually caring relationship. | |
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| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 6/11/2007 8:43:49 AM | Here is a wife's veiw of a 27 yr marriage!
Husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer at 42, had the radical. He is fine now but we as a couple tried all different medications and none work.
Yes, it is easy to say when not in the couples situation sex is not everything in a marriage, but it is 1/3 of the marriage. I can say it not only effects couples with the sex issue but other areas of the marriage as well if you allow it and have no therapy. It is almost like going thru the process stages of a death. After many years of a death that person is not talked about daily , but remembered. In this case prostate cancer is in the same category. Not talked about between the couple daily, but knows it exists.
Six years later, this is a topic we do not discuss in our marriage daily, only when the yearly testing comes into play, (stressful!!!) although we did at first for about the first 3 yrs. Reasons for that is we had a wonderful sex life before the radical, now there is nothing.....We now only have the memories of what existed before the radical.
Many say there are more ways to satisfy a women then sexual intercourse, true but if you already had it and something is taken away it causes problems. Who is to say that the women within the couple is to be the only one satisfied. Some marriages do not have all the sexuality, so when this does come into their marriage, they are discovering new ways to satisfy each other .
The problem comes into play when the women is performing oral on him and nothing happens, so it is like she is doing all this work and it is not going no where, so you are minus the oral and intercourse. You end up as a women getting frustrated, depressed and not even wanting to recieve from the man you love that you can not give to him sexually for satisfaction.
Along with the sex issue, the desire, passion, puppy love stops, and trust me the therapy was there, group therapy was there , it helped some but did not 100% and do not think it ever will.
When I was younger in highschool I remembered a couple across the street that had been in this situation and the divorce came into play, I could never understand why and always said ; Oh! I would never do that (divorce) or How could you leave a man like that? Here it is I am in the same situation many years later and understand now just exactly what that neighbor woman went thru. It is just not the man that goes thru this, but the women as well.
What is even more difficult is the women has to fight within her mind wondering what to do about her sexual desires, how to fulfill the needs or try to make the feelings go away. (the dildo doesnt do the human thing!)
One of two choices are made........ divorce after a lifetime of investments physically,financially, mentally and destroying the family by breaking it up over no sex or stay married and stray for the sexual physical needs only.
Most women in my situation, after a long term marriage are not getting divorced and breaking up families, but straying outside the marriage for the sexual need. Just like men do when the wife does not have a desire for sex anymore.
You asked, this is my experience. I probably have just opened a huge can of worms on this reply!!!! | |
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| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 6/15/2007 5:55:18 PM | what is really sad is, there are other options besides the pills, but most men tend to look the other way. I do know one man who, happily, had an implant and has a very satisfying sex life. (Not with me!) There are different types of implants and there is always the chance for complications as with any surgery, but, I guess it all depends on the man and what he is willing to do.
Maybe I'm opening another can of worms, or even another topic, with regards to penile implants. I honestly don't know how most men feel about this option. | |
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| Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 6/16/2007 11:44:21 AM | Sorry to the gents & other folks who have had to deal with this.
I had a female cancer scare several months ago. My at the time boyfriend dumped me when he thought there was a chance I may have cancer. It was upsetting to say the least, but he had been acting like a jerk prior anyways....
I hope I will be kind if I ever have a partner who gets ill in any way.
Was it Newt Gingrich or Rush Limbaugh who had his wife served w/ divorce papers on the way to the OR for her mastectomy? 
PS- the ex bf never contacted me to find out...what a  | |
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