| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/19/2006 9:14:45 PM | | It's sad when two adults who either split up or get divorced use their kids as a tool against the other parent...all single parents have done it either intentionally or subconsciously. i am writing this as a single parent to get other "custody battling" single parents to really think about how it is affecting our children and their psycological well being. It's hard and I know it...me and my ex put 6 restraining orders against each other to try and get temporary custody of our kids because we were only thinking of ourselves instead of the "little people" who we were hurting....I remember when my son was only 6 months old and a cop gave my ex advice to put a "restraining order" against me to get temporary custody of my son...it was a terrible time in my life. I am not innocent cause my ex saw a "boyfriend" while we were married on her birthday and I went and did the same thing to try and keep my children from being around the situation,but it was mainly cause I was upset and not because my kids were in danger. Think about it,they love both their mom and their dad,so don't let your feelings interrupt THEIR lives with the each of you! | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/19/2006 10:09:46 PM | | I totally agree with you, my babys father and I had a lot of VERY BAD times while I was pregnant. He moved out of the City 4 weeks before I had her. Needless to say he wasen't on my good list.. But when she was born, I did everything I could to find him so that I could let him know. He has also been told that he will not be kept from his daughter, I only ask that he sees her when I am there, because of his unperdictable aggresive actions. I hate that man more and more every day, but when it comes to your children, you HAVE TO put it all aside. It's not the childs fault. If the other person is NOT a threat to your child they should be not kept from them. There are so many people out there that are great parents but bad at relationships, and good partners but bad parents. I guess every situation is different, but the children should never be punished. | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/20/2006 1:17:39 AM | Spooked
U should remember one thing tho
For the sake of ur child u need to make conscious decisions
And u should think, if the guy only comes around one in a blue moon are u letting him just completely have his way and how is it going to effect the child, im sure when they really begin to grow up they are gonna know that dad doesnt give a shit, so lay down rules, i believe that one should
and number 2 if he is aggressive, then maybe he should seek help because if he really wanted to he could get part time custody WITHOUT u there and without proof girl, u cant stop him
So if those reasons people believe using ur child as a pawn well then they need some help of their own
I think a pawn is saying u cant see the child if ur not going out with me , or if you dont buy me a car or stuff like that
so it goes both ways
becareful of what u think is a pawn and what u dont | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/20/2006 4:23:01 AM | Through the history of mankind we have waged war upon each other for many differant reasons. We have killed and tortured and mutilated our fellow human being in the name of god, for the love of money, for land, for slavery for power or for no reason at all or just because some of mankind enjoys seeing others in great pain and suffering or feels power at the suffering of others just because they can be made to. The most violent and hateful wars waged however are those fought between two people who were once in love and the most suffering and painful emotions endured are by the child created out of love once felt by two people who no longer care for the other. From this war a decleration is made for both sides to follow. A law passed by a higher power appointed by the state. This decleration is the Parenting plan and it is enforced at all costs. In responce to this document imposed by the state, I would like to say with the utmost conviction and heart. Blow me your honor, wtf do you know about my child and what his needs are???
Good day | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/20/2006 6:18:58 AM | Best piece of advice I've ever received when it comes to dealing with an ex...
Love your children more than you hate your ex. | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/20/2006 7:30:43 AM | | Very good,short and very sweet...I guess that we just have to get to that point and I finally have,but as I thumb thru the posts on the "single parents" topic,I noticed that alot aren't there yet...this thread is devoted to them,so I want them to understand it will come in time,just hate to see the kids on "our" time table. | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/20/2006 7:50:06 AM | Even though Ive been chastised for thinking of children 1st in these forums I have to say calamity jane hit the nail on the head with that statement....
The best piece of advice Ive seen in a long time--nicely worded calamity
Someitmes we get so carried away with our dislike for our ex's that we forget who really is getting hurt. We also forget what we are teaching our children when we are acting in negative ways towards one another---"look kids...this is how adults behave"--then we wonder why they act out.. | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/20/2006 8:08:35 AM | So right...and if I got flamed for saying the truth...bring on the flames,I'm ready...I am a winner in the fight for seeing my kids and I know what the judges want to see between two adults...hope to help anyone else in the courtroom "brawl" ...but the whole thing is the court love the term "mediation" and the less fighting that goes on the farther a person will get in his/her battle  | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/20/2006 6:55:16 PM | A GREAT THREAD...
I've mentioned this several times. I don't understand why 2 people who are adults could think that it is better for them to have sole custody and use their children as pawns because they are bitter at their ex. In my opiinion, kids need both mom and dad to play different but equally important parts in their lives. The only exception to this rule is if physical, sexual or emotional abuse is involved. In a perfect world there wouldn't be seperation and divorce but since we don't live in a perfect world, there will always be couples who spilt, including me and my wife of 6 years.
I count my many blessings that my wife and I were able to amicably agree that our son needed each of us equally and as such we have an arrangement where he lives with me one week and my wife the next. Also, because he is only 5yrs old, on the weeks where I have him, my wife picks him up from school on Wednesday and takes him out for dinner and I do the same on the weeks she has him.
This arrangement has so many advantages for all parties involved.... most importantly, my son is left with no doubt that he is loved and cared for equally by both of us and we are able to assure him that it is not his fault we are no longer together. The other is the financial benefits. Neither of us pay any child support. On my weeks, I pay for his food, shelter and private school tuition, field trips, clothes, etc... and my wife does the same on her weeks.
I strongly recommend this arrangement to all single parents out there... for the kids sake.
Paul | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/20/2006 7:25:15 PM | | Bless you and your relationship with your son and sharing him with the ex...so good to hear success stories like your cause once again,your son is the "winner" | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/21/2006 9:28:55 PM | Angelfacelo
Not to sure where you were going with all your babble.. I siad that my daughter will not be kept from her father. I am FULLY aware of my obligations to my child! And to her "father". And they are.. My daughter has a right to see her father, and no matter how much I hate the man, he has his rights to see her also (under my supervission! but maybe you didn't read that part). I think that when people start dragging things to court, it only gets ugly, so why make it that ugly for no reason at all? He has only come to see her once when she was 6months old, (shes 2 and a half now) he may not come to see her again till shes 18, BUT I will know in my heart that it was not because of anything I did or didnt do. If more people would try to keep things out of our court system I believe that more would get resolved (in some casses). If he was a physco, I would do what I had to do to protect my daughter, most decent people would! And just for the record.. after all the court dates hes missed and the jail time he has served.... He wont be doing ANYTHING without my lawyer knowing. But thats for throwing in your half a cents worth. | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/21/2006 9:40:56 PM | | OH MY GOD YOU READ MY MIND. My daughter is 3 months old and since the day she was born I have done everything in my power to get her father to be involved in her life and when she was 6 weeks old he decided to but now just a week ago he decided he doesnt want to see her till court on the 6th and Im like OMFG like a judge knows whats best for my daughter.... My baby has special health concerns and Im so scared. I have been totally mature about this whole situation and I have done everything while still keeping my daughter safe to make it easier for her father to see her and yet I am still left feeling hurt and like maybe Im making the wrong decision. HELP ME | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/21/2006 9:52:08 PM | | It's not really rocket science. It is not about you and it is not about the ex. It is about the child(ren) bottom line. As long as each child goes to sleep at night knowing they are loved and cherished and hopefully by both parents, nothing and I mean nothing else matters. Not even the $$$$, I know that from extreme personal experience, but I wouldn't be able to sleep if I felt any other way. Genius is only great patience and I wish I could buy it, the patience thing I mean. Cheers X a million to all the 'parents' who are there for the right reasons and the ones who keep trying to be !! | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/21/2006 9:56:22 PM | Spooked u didnt need to get anal
i was trying to let u know to make sure she IS supervised
which u said and yes i agreed
and #2 im just stating that u say hes been in jail and etc etc
listen to urself and dont throw stones
im just putting my two cents in to say exactly that
he hasnt seen her in 2 yrs and u just appear to let him walk all over u after saying well he can come see her in 18yrs or he may not see her till 18yrs
is that fair to ur girl ... NO
set boundries
u dont have to take him away from her
but make him chose if hes going to be active or not
she deserves that
doesnt anyone else on this thread think so
or am i just stupid?!?!?! | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/22/2006 4:35:32 AM | Completely agree, but it isn't easy. Even a seperated couple who are dedicated to the children can have a hard time agreeing on what is best for them.
I did not have an amicable divorce by any means of the word, but thankfully the both my ex and I avoided trying to get full custody for the most part (there were slip ups, but it's to be expected I think). While we did have our rough patches, we recognize the importance of having both parents in the relationship. Nonetheless, every day I am thankful that my ex and I were able to scrap it out away from the kids, and get a binding agreement in place that works for us. I can't imagine how much my relationship with my two young children would have suffered, if I did not have them staying at my place half the time.
As much as I can't stand the woman, she has been an excellent mother to our two kids. | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/22/2006 4:51:41 AM | | My ex and I have had our share of battles in our seperation, but never once was it with the children. My boys worship their father, and love me. Their Dad is an amazing father, loving, playful and supporting, and he deserves to have their respect, as do I. Using the children to hurt the ex is never a good thing andf it will always come back at the person doing it, with resentfulness from the child, eventually. I totally agree with the poster who put "Love your children more than you hate your ex." Just because 2 people couldn't make a marriage work, shouldnt mean the kids suffer with our inability to be civil and grown up. | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/22/2006 8:38:39 AM | all single parents have done it either intentionally or subconsciously.
Uhmm..no. Not "all" | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/22/2006 6:16:27 PM | | I guess what I meant by that phrase is that if you had a very disagreeable divorce then you have experienced it in one way or the other, the title of this thread...I am not trying to justify it but it happens more often than we realize...Not a good thing,but it happens. The important thing is realizing what you are doing and put a stop to it before your kids are affected...no perfect parents in this world, only parents that are willing to learn from their mistakes. | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/23/2006 11:58:20 PM | "all single parents have done it either intentionally or subconsciously."
Got to here and quit reading the rest, as this is completely untrue. A good parent would never do it, only a scuzz who didn't think about the kids. | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/24/2006 6:01:00 AM | | Has anyone else had the same prob as me? I was dating a single dad and when he and I split up he completely stopped all access between us. What really hurt was that she had begun to refer to me as her mum and I think of her as my daughter. His ex has no contact with her either and I worry that his daughter thinks that I've abandoned her too, but yet I don't have any legal rights. | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/24/2006 6:26:25 AM | I can honestly say my ex and I have NEVER used our children as pawns...we are the few it seems who have agreed and stuck to our guns on still remaining friends so our children grow up feeling like they can still trust the both of us...yet every situation is different.... | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/24/2006 9:00:51 AM |
Has anyone else had the same prob as me? I was dating a single dad and when he and I split up he completely stopped all access between us. What really hurt was that she had begun to refer to me as her mum and I think of her as my daughter. His ex has no contact with her either and I worry that his daughter thinks that I've abandoned her too, but yet I don't have any legal rights.
Ive never been in that situation. Men I date, I dont introduce to my daughter. Mainly for that reason. My daughter's father is not in her life. Unfortunetly, if hes stopped all access (which usually happens when one breaks up) there isnt anything you can do. I can imagine it would be difficult, but that is the risk ya take when kids are brought in too soon. | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/24/2006 9:38:01 AM | | Gingerspice I think did a better job of seeing the point of the thread. It was meant to encourage people to rise above and try to do better and many people are dealing with an X that won't improve his/her behavior. Brat, I would disagree that no good parent would either intentionally or subconsciously use the children as pawns. My X was basically stalking me and making my life miserable and one day I snapped and told him to get the hell out, the kids were not going with him. The difference between that poor parenting moment and being a bad parent is that I called him back ten minutes later and told him to pick up the kids, because regardless of their dad's behavior, it was not fair to disappoint them because he couldn't act human. BTW the behavior that precipitated my moment was an hour of yelling in front of the children including choice words often used in Rap music to describe women. Remember the movie Irreconcilable Differences? I was in college when it came out and remember thinking how could anybody no matter how upset they were, put their kid through that. As I have grown older I still think it is horrible that people can behave that way but parents are human too. Everyone has a breaking point but the key is to recognize that you screwed up and do better. If we are lucky the screw ups are small | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/24/2006 9:51:06 AM | | You can disagree with me, like I disagree with even allowing the yelling match to begin in the first place. Wouldn't even let a kid to hear just one side of it, if it were over the phone. | |
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| Using Children As Pawns....
Posted: 8/24/2006 10:02:25 AM | doesnt anyone else on this thread think so
or am i just stupid?!?!?!
I agree totally with you. Court doesn't have to be a bad thing, the friendliest of co-parents should still go to court and get the custody, visitation thing legalized, it's just safer....you never know what someone will do and it's not worth the risk. Me and my ex are going to court just to sign the papers and make it official, we both agree on the conditions and are glad to do it, the old one is out of date, he hasn't complied to that in a long time, so I mentioned getting a new one to fit his lifestyle now so he doesn't get dinged for not showing up.
I totally agree to never use your kids as pawns!! NEVER!! I can totally put my own personal feelings about the relationship aside, however, this is where I do find it tricky. How do you not feel the obligation to speak for your children that have no voice. What I mean is, as a mom I look at my children everyday and it just floors me that ANYONE could not want to see their kids as much as possible, and not cherish them as the most important thing in their life. So if your ex doesn't commit to them, and just wants to see them when they fell like it, and takes no responsibility as a parent, how do you not have total disrespect for them. And how do you not fight tooth and nail to get your kids what they deserve, and that IS both parents loving and supporting them.....but you can't force any to do anything and I personally would not want my child growing up with a parent who doesn't think they are important or worthy of visiting. Do you just ignore it and praise them for showing up once in a while, if so I guess I really need to work at that because I can't help but feel defensive FOR MY CHILDS sake. I mean how dare they not put their child first and formost!! | |
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