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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > WHy do women stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 THE*JOSEY*WALES
Joined: 3/14/2006
Msg: 1
WHy do women stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I have met many women in my life who are downright abused by their husbands and boyfriends. I know many may be co dependent, or compulsive obsessive, and don't know how to let go. I mean, they are in emotionally, physically, and mentally abusive relationships. Some of these guys, beat them, rape them, lie to them, and don't even come home at night. THey even have girlfriends, and these women STILL STICK WITH THEIR MEN. Taking the phrase 'til death do we part,' to the extremely ridiculous. Is there anyone out there in a relationship like that? IF so. WHY? WHY are you there? I know many will say it's financial, or We have KIDS, or they have no savings or job to get out of such a situation, but if it's ME, I'd run away like My butt was on fire, money, job, kids or not! Who wants to suffer like that? Please give me some input here, as I Wish to understand. BLESS you for reading my post, and for any input. One other thing, they will stay with guys that don't love them, are drop dead drunks, drug addicts, smokers when they themselves are non smokers, and the men also don't take care of themselves. Still, some say they LOVE Their men, and stand by them no matter what. It makes NO SENSE TO ME? NONE at all. When there are plenty of GOOD MEN out there, why stay with a LOSER?
Bishop.
 ~SpiffyKat~
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 2
WHy do women stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/23/2006 11:22:59 PM
I used to wonder myself why a woman would stay with a man who treated her as if she were worthless...I noticed a pattern eventually in the 2 women I knew that would stay with physically/emotionally abusive men.I think it has a lot to do with people being more comfortable at times with whats familiar to them,as opposed to what/who is good for them. The women I knew who were in abusive situations,either had fathers who were abusive,or mothers who stayed with abusive men ect.I think being treated well is so foreign to some women who are used to being abused ,that they feel uneasy when someone is kind to them, and they dont know how handle it or react.Sometimes ,when a woman has been abused for so long,her self esteem sinks to such a low level,she barely has the will to breathe and survive,let alone start her life all over again on her own and alone.They usually end up isolating themselves from friends and family too,until there is no support system left,which makes it even harder to walk away.Its a very sad thing,and I think the only way for women in this type of situation to escape being abused is to get a lot of counseling so they realize they are worth being loved and cherished.The other thing I wanted to add to,is that usually an abusive guy showers a woman with apologies and "love" immediately following the abuse,and promises to change ect.There is just enough time between the abuse cycle and the honeymoon phase for her to get sucked in all over again.No one deserves to be mistreated by anyone that way,and it just breaks my heart that some women cant see they deserve so much more,if not for themselves,for their childrens sake.JMHO
 imadarling2
Joined: 4/22/2006
Msg: 3
WHy do women stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/23/2006 11:32:22 PM
BOZO, or Bishop
Nice ''NEW'' profile to attract the gold diggers. Money can not buy your soul mate.
You are doing a research, writing a book. We all want a cut from your future revenue to give you any imputs!!!!
 rainbowfishh
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 4
WHy do women stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/23/2006 11:35:40 PM
I'm not in one of those relationships but working in the
health field for so long.... saw much of it.
Some are desperate and also not people who can learn
easily...
compound those things with low self esteem, difficulty in
working for any number of reasons...
and thats what can happen.

Many of them don't know a good man from a bad man...
as their own fathers were bad men... who maybe treated them
the same way and just dont know any better
( totally ignorant or unkowing of anything else )...
 Hello Kitty aka HK
Joined: 6/21/2005
Msg: 5
WHy do people stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/23/2006 11:37:03 PM
Men do the same .........they stay in aweful marriages.....yes men get beat and abused....maybe even raped ( that part I'm not sure on but I imagine it happens)

Why....probably many many different reasons.

guilt
low self esteem
scared to be alone
mental disorders
habit
It's heartbreaking......be a friend, a good person and do what you can to help them because they are literally down. Be it physically or mentally they are down and need help.
do what you as a person can do if you know someone in this situation.
I just asked a friend some of these questions that at first she said in a joking manner "shut up hehe" I said I could but would I really be your friend if I kept it shut? I think not....I told her to do what she would with my questions and at minimum at least think about my questions. Now the conversation started out about emotions and such but lead me to ask her some serious questions about her own relationship. NO she isn't being beat....but mentally she is not well treated in MHO. That's what I can do as a friend, I offer myself to my friends always.....Yup I'm the jerk friend alot..but they love me anyways because I care for them that much.
 beautifulwoman4u
Joined: 8/31/2005
Msg: 6
WHy do people stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 3:28:56 AM
It's like being a frog in a pot.....you don't know the water is boiling as you are sitting there on the stove.
I stayed for 25 years because of the children, the money situation and the fact that he was a phenominal manipulator and I was rediculously niave.
My self esteem went in the toilet and I had never thought of being with another man. I was expected to be there by my family and friends. From the outside looking in, it was the perfect marriage, but behind closed doors it was pretty scary.
Women do not know sometimes that there IS another way, that they CAN make it on their own and that they are worthy of doing so.
Often times, people surrounding them will say..."Why on earth would you ever even think of leaving such a wonderful man? " and when you do leave....damn....you get to be the bad guy.
So even though things in communities might be set up for this, it is difficult to even count yourself as someone who might need or use the services. It's humiliating. You are programmed to beleive that leaving is wrong....there's alot of reasons.
It can be done though...ya just have to toughen up, bite your lip, ignore the gossip and the blame being thrown your way and go on with your life.
 ontario_woman
Joined: 4/3/2005
Msg: 7
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History
WHy do people stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 4:19:56 AM
Abusive people have an uncanny way of convincing you that you're the one with the problem and that the abuse is your fault.
 MrGordonGecko
Joined: 6/29/2006
Msg: 8
WHy do people stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 4:48:56 AM
Money

Some can't afford to leave. Some would rather endure the hell they know versus the hell they don't know. Some say they are doing it for the kids ( but really when you boil that down, it's still about money)

When you divorce, the woman usually makes out better than the male in court, however if shes got crap for earning power, then the fact that both partners take a substantial hit in quality of life decline after a divorce, it can be pretty painful financially for the wife, especially if she has children.

People stay for all kinds of reasons, but I think the simplest makes the most sense - they don't have anywhere else to go.

No money cannot buy you happiness, but it can often buy you your freedom. There is a difference.
 Bound for Camelot
Joined: 6/12/2006
Msg: 9
WHy do people stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 5:00:40 AM
you know there are a number of good books written on this topic...for those with genuine concern!

We can all sit here and hypothisis the "whys' BUT the fact is there are no simple answers!

Until you walk a mile in someones shoes...
 Charmonie
Joined: 8/21/2006
Msg: 10
WHy do people stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 5:02:58 AM
In my experience, it's an issue of self-esteem. In other words, I had none. The feeling, no... the BELIEF that this guy is the best you can do.
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 11
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History
WHy do women stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 5:17:08 AM
Ali is right mentioning their childhood but childhood itself doesn't shape a person on the whole. Yes, it does imprints some elements that will feel familiar in ups or downs any relationship brings but school environment, circle of friends, hobbies or interests ... all adds to the person's self-esteem, confidence and vision. I too can can relate to mental pressure as I saw it all my childhood between my parents but that's another story.

I think that if person loses own identity due to abusive relationship whether it is mental or physical or both, then on the outside it looks like that she sticks to her man ... whatever the weather. But in its core she lost herself as a human being and her life is just like an automat.

One thing I do know though (from my personal experience) that if abuse in whatever form infringes on your health and if this is not seen as a final warning call ... if it doesn't prompt you in some radical change, sadly this person is trapped in this abusive vicious circle forever, much to their own destruction.

And children, sadly, they don't have any childhood, any healthy aspect of their growing up.

Why do they stay? Because they don't know their own worth, lost trust in themselves, lost their own identity ... IMHO.
 athletic_funny4
Joined: 8/7/2006
Msg: 12
WHy do women stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 5:59:47 AM
This thread says something about the power of physical attraction. If she loves the way he looks she will put up with the abuse from fear of never getting anyone bettter looking.


Social status also plays a role. There has been more than one storey where socialites stay with their wealthy abusive husbands because they are afraid of becoming social pariah (outcast). Which says something about their socialite friends.. i.e. you can be our friend if you have money but if you are poor then we no longer have anything in common.
 wurl
Joined: 7/2/2006
Msg: 13
WHy do women stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 6:15:43 AM
When it comes to the diversity of human behaviour, sometimes it's so unexplicably bizarre, ... any attempt to explain it is just story telling and speculating. In many caese I imagine the problem goes back generations, so unraveling the complexities is virtually impossible.
 sparticuss
Joined: 5/9/2006
Msg: 14
WHy do women stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 6:22:44 AM
I have met four women and four men, in my entire life, who were beaten by their partners.
So it's not as common as the bleeeding hearts like to pretend.

Of the girls ONE was a classic battered wife.
One was as violent ans abusive as he was.
And the other two were beaten up only ONCE. One left him the next day. The other came back to him but only after he was off the bottle for good.
 femalegirlwoman
Joined: 7/16/2006
Msg: 15
WHy do women stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 7:42:20 AM
my friend hasnt left her husband yet because she hasnt found a replacement for him yet and she probably would feel guilty if she left him as he was coming back from afganistan.
Two kids and a house, certain aspects of stability but sure as heck no stability in the "love....good sex....healthy and great relationship" department. She says she's giving him one more chance, I just hope he has either changed big time or that things wont be too nasty if she leaves. She has bad self esteem and isnt as slim as she was before the marriage and 2 kids, otherwise she may have left him behind already. Im getting sick of worrying about her safety.
 femalegirlwoman
Joined: 7/16/2006
Msg: 16
WHy do women stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 7:45:00 AM
in some cases its simple......they dont think any other guy will want them and they dont want to be alone. sure you can lose weight and fix yourself up and eventually find someone better for you but they either have too low of a self esteem or something, I dont know what.
 julietjuliet
Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 17
WHy do people stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 7:56:28 AM
Msg 7....Couldn't agree more, yes they are convincing and manipulative.
Msg 3....An answer to the op's thread would be nice instead of the bash
Msg 8....Same old same old, as per every thread, woman takes money, leaves man to suffer and lives happily ever after.
My answer? Everytime i brought up his behaviour he would either say he would change or he cried, and this went on and on till i finally saw through his b/s tears and ended it. Just for the record MR G, I had to pay him $1000au to settle into another abode, only to discover he had moved in with an old 'has been' and gambled the money away!
 todreamandbelieve
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 18
WHy do people stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 8:37:12 AM
Insecurity, a giving nature, Fear
Sometimes people think that any relationship is better than none.Some people always want to be the supportive crutch and truly believe that they can change things around if they just continue to be supportive and caring even as they are treated horribly. Some people simply feel as though they are trapped.

I understand the reasons and have been there done that on occasion. What I know for myself now is that I deserve way better than that. I have to give myself the support and benefit first way before giving it off to someone else who doesn't deserve it.
 canadian_sweetheart85
Joined: 6/19/2006
Msg: 19
WHy do people stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 9:22:20 AM
im sure this has been done a couple times, but i dont care .:) I was recently in an abusive relationship but sometimes you dont realize you are (if its not physical) so you stay beacuse you have a child with the man, or part of you still loves him. However, there is a line and people do cross it, sometimes it takes awhile though. Took me two years to find that line that he crossed. MAN!! did i pay for it. While my daughter was at my grandmas house, and i was trying to figure things out (like find a place to live, and among other things) i was attacked, he attacked me outside of walmart ( he got a slap across the face and tried to charge me with assault; the police officer said we cant do that sir, because you were holding her against her will.) so i had police officers watching me whereever i went; kinda freaked me out. ANYWAYS, the moral of my lil story is that thats the reason some people dont get out of abusive relationships, because they are scared of the guy or what to do when you leave. I know i was scared because i didnt know what i was gonna do, but it had to be done. Im so happy that im not with that loser; but also still scared because of the things he has done, and things he is trying to do to me.

P.S. ANY WOMAN THAT IS IN THIS KIND OF PREDICAMENT JUST KNOW THAT YOU HAVE PEOPLE TO HELP YOU AND PEOPLE TO TALK TO !! YOU JUST GOTTA GET OUTTA THAT RELATIONSHIP!!! NOT GOOD FOR YOU OR FOR YOUR HEALTH!!

Take Care,
Canadian_Sweetheart85

 *tinydancer*
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 20
WHy do women stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 9:37:11 AM
I think the fear of the unknown evil sometimes outweighs the known evil. It also has to do with low self-esteem and the fact that they don't believe in themselves, that they could actually do better. I know a lot of women stick around an abusive man if there are children involved. And they are doing the children no favors by keeping them in that kind of environment.
 the supernatural
Joined: 10/31/2005
Msg: 21
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WHy do women stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 9:41:52 AM

my friend hasnt left her husband yet because she hasnt found a replacement for him yet




This may be off topic, but that is fugged.
 kristinanb
Joined: 3/21/2006
Msg: 22
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WHy do women stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 9:43:08 AM

Taking the phrase 'til death do we part,' to the extremely ridiculous.


I would agree with this. Some women, or men in the reverse scenario, feel they would be breaking their end of the deal by leaving. After all, they *might* change. However even if viewing a relationship as a contract (how romantic-NOT!), the abusive nature of the relationship should void any agreement. "For better or for worse" does not give the other party a license to bad behavior.

Other people have posted self-esteem issues which I agree too. I think some people feel if they left someone, they would never find anyone else or anyone that is "as good." In this situation, being by yourself should be preferable.

Tina
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 23
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WHy do women stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 9:56:42 AM

When there are plenty of GOOD MEN out there, why stay with a LOSER?

So here we go again, another "Good guys don't stand a chance" thread.
If you are half as trained as you claim to be, you KNOW why women stay in bad relationships-low self-esteem! What's wrong with YOU that you need to target women with low self esteem?
If you really are that caring and compassionate, why don't you start a shelter and/or programs to help MANY women who are in abusive relationships?
My opinion;
your profile, full of $ signs, and offering to rescue an abused woman, just absolutely screams"desperate man here!"
Again, if you are truly altruistic, help MANY women, not just one...
Cindy O
 Shonga
Joined: 4/7/2006
Msg: 24
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WHy do women stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 10:05:23 AM
In a word "courage" after being manipulated for years by these hybrids they rob their partners of any self esteem, self worth, and self confidence, from that situation an enormous amount of "courage and support" is required to break free. I know my second and current wife did just that after a 7 year marriage, she was lucky she had a "safe house" to go to, and many good friends who helped her to pack her station wagon and go as soon as the monster left home to go to work.

These men are not only selfish, they are gutless, only good with women and children, if stood up to by another man they back down like mongrel dogs.
 Funme40
Joined: 4/4/2006
Msg: 25
WHy do women stay in BAD RELATIONSHIPS and AWFUL MARRIAGES?
Posted: 8/24/2006 10:06:10 AM
Well, as crazy as it can be, to each it’s own preferences! Some women like to be abused, so be it! Be abused and be happy!
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