Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Sex or friendship first?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 1
view profile
History
Sex or friendship first?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I've heard people say they don't want to have sex too early in the relationship because it distorts their perception of the person. It prohibits them seeing the person's faults clearly.

My first question is, "Is that the primary reason people wait to have sex?" (I'm not referring to sex on the first date. I'm talking about waiting for weeks/months. I know that disease is a factor in determining if a person has sex but tests can be taken and results received in a matter of days.)

My next question is, "Do you feel becoming friends, hanging out together for an extended period of time, results in two people sort of falling into a relationship without that special "zing" or chemistry that's needed? In other words if early sex does cause one to enter a relationship without giving due consideration to the other person's faults/defects does going slow and establishing a friendship cause one to enter a relationship without giving due consideration to that "I want you!" feeling that is so important in romantic relationships?
 Catch A Star
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 2
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/25/2006 11:39:21 AM
Knowing I like them as a person first makes me want them all the more! I find that fast and heavy rarely finishes the race. Slow and steady is the winner in the end....
 *Flavia*
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 3
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/25/2006 11:40:34 AM
Friendship.
 cotter
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/25/2006 11:52:28 AM
1) "Is that the primary reason people wait to have sex?" ... I keep running into men who just want to jump in the sack. If they have to wait for the sex ... it gives me the impression they want more than just the "sex".

I have men contacting me ... acting like they're really interested. But about the third or fourth email or phone call, they're already asking me how soon I think I'd like to have sex ... how soon I'd be comfortable with that. What they H*ll is that all about?

20 "Do you feel becoming friends, hanging out together for an extended period of time, results in two people sort of falling into a relationship without that special "zing" or chemistry that's needed?" ... I have decided that I want friendship first. It has nothing to do with "faults/defects". It would not prevent me from still feeling that special "zing" or "chemistry". On can have that feeling the whole time you develop the friendship.

It has to do with my level of comfort ... feeling relaxed around them ... don't feel I have to be on my guard ... feel as if they accept me for me ... develop a trust. When that happens, then I can let myself go with that person ... be intimate ... put the icing on the cake.

I don't have sex with any man I don't have deep emotional feelings towards. That takes time ... more than just a couple of dates/meetings.
 APRILLEANNE
Joined: 10/24/2005
Msg: 5
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/25/2006 12:15:22 PM
getting to know someone and becoming friends first is so much more awesome than the instant gratification of immediate sex...................................it really makes a man that much more appealing to me anyways when he shows that getting to know me as a person and friend first is important to him.
Yeah for the gentlemen in the world that I am now just finding out do still exist...........
 musicalife
Joined: 4/30/2006
Msg: 6
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/25/2006 12:21:41 PM
Not another sex too early thread
 Hello Kitty aka HK
Joined: 6/21/2005
Msg: 7
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/25/2006 12:24:36 PM
For me it's going to go one of two ways

First I chat with the person for a fairly long time before meeting them.............
when I meet the person than I will know my total attraction to them........is it just personality and friends or do I have further interest with that person, was there any "spark"
han I go from there. However most I've met I have no spark with them....just platonic friends and that's cool.With the spark person have to wait and see how things progress as far as sex is concerned.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/25/2006 12:29:18 PM
(Msg 4) On can have that feeling the whole time you develop the friendship.
It has to do with my level of comfort ... feeling relaxed around them ... don't feel I have to be on my guard ... feel as if they accept me for me ... develop a trust.


That's what I don't understand.

Let's see if I can explain what I mean. Let's say your absolute favorite musician or performer or celebrity is coming to town next week and your friend can get tickets. She asks if you want a ticket and right away you say, Yes!".

If the person coming to town wasn't your absolute favorite you may say you have to check your schedule or you may ask how much the tickets are or you may ask if she will pick you up and ride together or....the point is if your desire to see the person is strong enough the other things are not a concern. You're going to see your favorite person and you'll deal with the details later.

I feel if someone has a strong enough feeling for a romantic partner feeling relaxed around them wouldn't enter the picture. They just would be. Thinking about one's comfort or being on guard wouldn't enter the picture anymore than thinking about getting a ride to see your favorite performer would be a concern. You just would.

Do you follow what I mean?


(Msg 6) Not another sex too early thread.


I know it seems like there are numerous threads dealing with this topic but I'm curious to find out the reasoning. It is a fear of being used? Having the person think one is "loose"? Not really feeling the attraction all that strongly?

EDIT: Msg 9
I lost a potential relationship over sex too early.


How does one lose a potential relationship over too early sex?
 Daddy Long Legs
Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 9
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/25/2006 12:30:16 PM
Yah gotta go with friendship first. I lost a potential relationship over sex too early. We were both eager for satisfaction. We are now friends, but, each know that it will never be anything more, than great friends ( no sex involved)
 OpheliaBonMot
Joined: 8/12/2006
Msg: 10
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/25/2006 12:44:45 PM
Erm, no, not friendship exactly. Once someone lands in the "Friend Zone," it means I no longer see them as a potential romantic-sex partner. I don't sleep with my friends! So...companionable, get to know you first, but not losing that spark of sexual tension.
 CoolGeek628
Joined: 7/24/2006
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/25/2006 12:54:13 PM
I hate that "friend zone" crap, so many girls/women are like I want my significant other to be my lover and my best friend (which I agree with) but why can't someone get out of the "friend zone"? what if it wasn't there intention but you never seemed to show any real interest so it just happened? and if you got involved it wouldn't be you sleeping with your friend, he/she would then be your significant other,hopefully. You obviously shouldn't just jump into the sack with your friend because that would most likely just end up being friends with benefits and messing up everything. But who's to say you can't start dating, if you really are great friends and have a lot in common and find each other attractive at all, there has to be some sort of sexual tension,for lack of a better word, between the two of you.
 cotter
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 12
view profile
History
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/25/2006 12:58:43 PM
I feel if someone has a strong enough feeling for a romantic partner feeling relaxed around them wouldn't enter the picture.
Huh? Well I can't speak for others, but I am sure not going to jump in the sack with someone if I don't know if can trust them ... feel at ease with them ... let myself go with them. It doesn't matter how "sexually" attracted I am to them.

If there's "zing" and "chemistry" ... I still want to get to know them before I drop my drawers! Now ... I'm talking from a female perspective here and quite perhaps just my own perspective. I'm in control of myself enough that even if I'm doing some heavy petting with a man and it turns me on ... I'm still not going to just drop my drawers and make a beeline for the bed!

 Kerenliz30
Joined: 8/4/2006
Msg: 13
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/25/2006 1:52:31 PM
Friendship FIRST. It's a MUST.
 Funny_Girl
Joined: 10/27/2005
Msg: 14
view profile
History
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/25/2006 2:09:52 PM
I've heard people say they don't want to have sex too early in the relationship because it distorts their perception of the person. It prohibits them seeing the person's faults clearly.


Nah, actually it helps me see their flaws/faults, lol.


"Is that the primary reason people wait to have sex?"


No, I wait because the more I care about him and dig him, the better it will be.

I can't say that I understand the last question...but I think that either way you described it, if I'm waiting longer, that "I want you" thing will grow stronger. Otherwise, I wouldn't be waiting/sticking around.
 rune3
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 15
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/25/2006 2:49:18 PM
Okay, you've had some of the reasons, but let me underline one. Trust.
Trust that she actually knows who you are and feels safe with you.
That's not an instant thing.

Having sex is risky. It's nothing like going to a concert!!

* Physically women are weaker than men. Intimacy puts them in a very vulnerable situation. Alone, naked, with someone much stronger. Someone whose brain is going to mostly(?) switch off when he gets excited. Can be scary.

* The disease risk you covered, and like you say, men also have that risk. It might be worth bearing in mind that the female brain can hold more than one thought at a time. So the thoughts of "ooh sex" and "eep, stds" can exist in parallel.

* One more risk that I think is overlooked. Pregnancy. Unless you've been sterilised there is no such thing as zero chance of pregnancy. There is always some chance. The man can choose to walk away, she can't. Not all women are prepared to undergo abortions: not all agree with them. It's irresponsible to not consider this. The question of whether the man will be around in the future (or even make a good father!) is significant for this reason -- single mothers often do a fantastic job, but it's not an ideal situation for anyone to risk lightly. One moment of not thinking could change her life forever. Not to mention bringing another life into it.

The risks may seem small percentage-wise but they add up, and human beings are not good at calculating risk mathematically. They just react. Fear is natural and no it's not going to be forgotten in the heat of the moment. Fear doesn't work like that. Actually this applies to the concert situation too. Most women wouldn't just think "ooh concert" and drop everything without a thought, they are generally pretty good at juggling and planning their busy lives, I've noticed.

A further factor is love. Many people, men included, don't want sex without love.
It takes time to know that what you are feeling is love and not just infatuation or a delusion.
 halifax_sadie
Joined: 5/21/2006
Msg: 16
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/25/2006 3:08:02 PM
Do you feel becoming friends, hanging out together for an extended period of time, results in two people sort of falling into a relationship without that special "zing" or chemistry that's needed?


If that feeling is present? You can still be friends and have that feeling. It's not GOING anywhere...you're just suppressing it.

If you are friends for a while first? Sometimes it just makes that special moment all that much more 'special'...or 'spectacular' as the case may be. :)

If you don't feel that spark right off the bat? You're not going to feel it ever. You can grow to love someone, but you'll never grow to have that 'in love' feeling, or that 'oh my GOD he's HOTTTTTT!!!!' feeling.

Just my $0.02.

p.s. Rune3 said a mouthful in message 15. Good observations and comments--I know that I am ALWAYS thinking about things that take away from the 'oh my god this is fun!' aspect and direct me to the 'oh my god! What have I done!?!?!? aspect. Takes a lot of fun out of things...which is why I choose to wait a while.
 jaciadaok
Joined: 4/16/2006
Msg: 17
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/25/2006 11:22:30 PM
Definitely friendship! I can't imagine having sex with someone you know hardly a thing about. Besides, how would you know what they like?
 ab_qt
Joined: 5/7/2006
Msg: 18
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/25/2006 11:27:02 PM
I'd say both, depending on the person.
 SimplyPeachy
Joined: 2/26/2006
Msg: 19
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/26/2006 12:17:59 AM
I'll take this opportunity to explain to you how a 'guy' ends up in the friend's zone for me. There comes a point where I become comfortable around a male friend and all is well. But I still see him as a guy friend, mostly because I am still completely in touch with the fact we are not the same sex. During this journey of opposite sex friends, we are always sizing the other up (guys do it to girls and girls do it to the guys) and if there is an interest on a few levels (looks, conversation, laughs, friends, events) you can rest assured attraction prevails...until that fork in the road, where you feel comfortable yet are still aware of the attraction and as a result, you are personally on edge to look good yourself, engage in stimulating conversation, make the person laugh, or whatever. I'm not talking about impressing someone but engaging them to notice you, being of the opposite sex. One day, if no one makes that move to say, YES, I am intrigued and like you (and please let there be kissing or something) the other will plainly give up the 'engaging' and just let loose. For example, during the getting to know you phase, I might be concerned about how I look, sound, feel, and how I make you feel. But if no one gives the indication, I just fall over the edge and don't care anymore about how I look, sound, feel, nor am I interested in attempting to engage you. If we continue to hang even after my falling over the edge into not being concerned, you have accepted the friendship. THIS is where most fail. IN EITHER NEVER GIVING THE SIGNAL THEY WERE INTERESTED. OR ALLOWING THE OTHER TO FALL OVER THE EDGE AS TO NOT CARING ABOUT CONTINUING TO ENGAGE in a relationship manner.

Does any of this make sense?

It's sort of like baking...there is a certain point where the rising of the bread is at its peak. You must be ready to move THEN. If you wait any longer, it goes flat.

Unless of course, it's banana bread!!!

DO NOT DELAY, if you are interested, you must make a move, before I just plainly give up and just unwind baring my deepest darkest thoughts which I would NEVER let a potential guy hear during courting of any kind. NEVER. AND, if you allow your interest to begin talking about their conquests, kiss any possibility goodbye. No girl I know will talk to a potential partner about her other conquests. And no guy should EVER talk about his other conquests (in the present tense) if they want to show an interest in a girl. It automatically boinks you into 'friends' only....in my world of bananas.
 SimplyPeachy
Joined: 2/26/2006
Msg: 20
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/26/2006 12:27:36 AM
I forgot something!! At that point where I have given up, because you have given me no indication of interest...and I begin to not care what I say or do (look or feel) the most common mistake is accepting my 'giving up' and continuing the relationship as friends. As soon as you sense it's drifting in that direction (if you missed the que earlier to pull the bread out at climax), you must jolt me out of the drifting into 'friends'. If you don't do this...I will assume all along THAT is what you had wanted. To be just friends.

O.k. Banana Bread time!
 wurl
Joined: 7/2/2006
Msg: 21
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/26/2006 7:31:57 PM
I don't think there is a fixed or absolute answer to this. It can go either way.

My ex and I where close friends for a solid year before we mutually acknowledged there was anything more. Then we had a 20 year marriage and raised 2 kids! lol

Then again, we are divorced now.

Beats me.
 RBM
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 22
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/27/2006 5:54:44 AM
SimplyPeachy said something that was peachy, but not simple. And it works for me!

I can wait. However, if I'm attracted to her, I give her plenty of signals to let her know that. If it seems to be drifting to the "just friends" thing, then I move on.
 Man-behaving-badly
Joined: 3/6/2006
Msg: 23
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/27/2006 6:07:57 AM
SimplyPeachy

OK let me get this straight if I wait too long the relationship turns into Banana Bread and how long is too long to before... awww forget it, you confused the heck out of me pass the bottle I need a swig.
 moaning momma
Joined: 8/8/2006
Msg: 24
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/27/2006 6:13:16 AM
friends first
if you can do it ,sometimes the chemistry gets in the way and sex happens regardless of good intensions
 chicago081
Joined: 1/6/2006
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Sex or friendship first?
Posted: 8/27/2006 6:16:39 AM
I had some ass on here IM me about sex and I don't even know this freak. You have to watch out, there are some real FREAKS on this site. Always friendship first.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Sex or friendship first?