| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/25/2006 1:06:50 PM | Say a couple in a committed relationship, the man is few years younger than the woman, and the woman is in her early forties. Whatever the reason is, the woman doesn't want any kids but the man eagers to have one at the least. So the woman suggested adoption.
My question is, if you were this man, would you accept her suggestion since you love this woman with all your heart? Or if you were this woman, would you compromise to give birth because of this man dearly loves you?
Side note: none of them had any kids from previous marriages. | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/25/2006 1:13:12 PM | | I am in my early 40's- 41 to be exact...would I want to adopt now ?..- not likely I want to enjoy the next 20 yrs even if its me and my S.O. alone | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/25/2006 1:15:04 PM | | My only thoughts on this is....sometimes people just aren't meant to be together. | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/25/2006 1:15:09 PM | Adoption is really difficult. I don't know if I have the energy to tackle that challenge especially after the kids are about to clear the house for the most part.
I really think it is a better option for younger parents or if you are totally unable to have children physically. | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/25/2006 1:16:41 PM | There is nothing wrong with adoption. Keep in mind though, that you have children of your own already. Children that are a part of you. If you found out before they were born that you could not conceive, before making the decision to adopt, how would you have felt?
^^^ Sorry, I wan't paying attention. You don't have kids.
Well, there is still nothing wrong with adoption. I understand his position though in wanting a child of his own. If he is insistant, then as has already been said, some couples just aren't meant to be. Sometimes you have to love them enough to let them go.
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/25/2006 1:20:35 PM | if my reason is due to medical condition wherein it will just jeopardize both me and my baby , then i will not.. in as much as i love him, i will not put myself in danger.. if he really loves me then,he will not pressure me on giving him a baby if i cant ...otherwise than that(if age is the issue), i will be willing to give him a baby by all means even if i have to try everything just to have one....not just bec. for him but bec. its what i want too.
there's nothing wrong with adoption...its the best option you can have in situation like this... | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/25/2006 1:34:34 PM | Since both of you do not have kids, I don't see anything wrong with adoption. In fact that would be the best way to have a child. You are in your 40s. That's not the recommended or even a healthy age to give birth the natural way. Sure, women give birth in their 40s. But the risk is just too high. Besides, why bring a new life to this world at this age? You would be 50 when the child is 10. That does not sound right because you would not be able to spend time with your child like a normal parent. The child would lose out on a lot of parent-child normal upbringing.
Well...if he is that adamant on having a child of his own and you are staunch about not giving birth to a new one (you sound practical in your decision, BTW), then I guess this relationship is not meant to be. Someone has to compromise. In this case, it would be better if the guy compromises so that he does not put your health at risk and at the same time gives an orphan a home. But, anyway, goodluck to you. | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/25/2006 1:43:09 PM | Well I don't know about any of the other MEN on here. But I will tell you as honestly and straight-forward as I can before you possibly go and destroy a relationship!!
As a MAN!! I want to sow my own seeds!!!
If I am capable of having children... I want my OWN bloodline to grow!!
Adoption is an option when children are wanted, but the physical ability to have them is gone...
Or you are a rich mutha funker like Angelina Jolie and Brad!! | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/25/2006 1:43:59 PM | I was adopted!!!
PS: I'm going to fill this message with random crap because apparently "I was adopted!!!" isn't enough text for my post to go through. | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/25/2006 1:57:20 PM | | I'm 40, and personally I have no interest in plowing my own seeds. It just seems too late in the season to start planting my own crops. | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/25/2006 2:52:20 PM | | adoption is a great thing to do..soo many needy kids out there... ive been trying to get Donald Trump to adopt me for years... | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/25/2006 3:04:22 PM | Absolutely nothing is wrong with adoption...I think it is wonderful if they decide to adopt. Many children in this world need loving parents.
However, don't be surprised if you adopt then get pregger's! It happens to many people in their mid forties!
Do what is going to make you both happy. You both have to sure you want to be parents. | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/25/2006 3:12:37 PM | There is nothing wrong with adoption at all. I am just about 40 and have had a vasectomy as my now Xwife did not want any more kids.
I am an adopted individual. My life was not great in my new family. This is why I feel I would love to adopt a child if presented with the choice. I know what an adopted child feels and needs in a new family setting. As you may guess, I can go on and on with this subject!
Heck I am still waitting to meet a lady in person, through POF...LOL
Jim | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/25/2006 3:32:07 PM | Well if you have one person who definitely wants kids and one who doesn't, then you have a problem right there. At some point, someone is going to have to bend on that, change their mindset or break up. And let me tell you, bending and changing are the two options most likely to get you to the eventual break up in the most emotionally painful way possible.
If both people don't have their hearts on having kids, and one is clearly making a compromise to their own detriment, then it's a ticking timebomb waiting to go off. Whether or not you want kids is what I call a bona fide dealbreaker across the board.
As for adoption as a process, I think it's great. It's a complicated process, which means the two people have to really sit down and think hard before they commit, which is far far more than what most people do when they have kids on their own. And it's helping someone who already needs a family with someone who wants children, it's potentially a win/win situation for both sides. On the flip side, the most desirable candidates for being your future child are not always inside the existing pool of kids up for adoption. I hate to discuss it like a pound, but you have to be realistic and understand it's complete caveat emptor when it comes to picking up someone else's unwanted children.
But I don't know if you can even get to the adoption issue when the he wants a kid/she doesn't want a kid is still up in the air. Sorry but if both people feel that way instinctively from the start, then that relationship is over. The two might not have broken up yet, but effectively that relationship is dead. | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/25/2006 7:29:17 PM | I adopted a little girl from Kazakhstan when she was 2 years old. I also adopted as a single mom. My reasons are very simple. The courts do not justify the united states adoptions as being permanent. Any biological mother can decide to come back and get their child. For this reason, I chose an overseas adoption. I knew that I was giving a little one a chance at a life that she never would have.
I also know that, due to my age, I would choose to adopt again. I feel that my reasons for adopting are very logical. At the age level of the 40s, certain health risks do start to apply such as down syndrome. I gave birth to a cardiac baby six years ago and lost her at 17 months and choose that the risks would be higher if I were to have another, and I am not willing to take the chance. | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/25/2006 7:38:45 PM | nothing at all wrong with adoption, problem comes in when as in the OP's case the couple involved can't agree on whether they want to adopt or not.
If neither of you is flexible or willing to consider the others point of view or opinions on the matter I don't see the relationship working out. That being said , definitely make the time to have an open honest heart to heart about the issue and see where that gets you.
Sometimes people change their minds once they are able to see where their partner is coming from. Neither person should get into any situation they don't feel comfortable with (some people just can't handle adoption ,and some people don't want to have children period.) | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/25/2006 8:51:42 PM | Nothing wrong with suggesting adoption at all. Sounds to me like the woman is trying to compromise. It is understandable that he wants his own child...it is not him that has to go through 9 months of pregnancy, and possible health risk. Having a child, be it your own or an adopted child is a HUGE responsibility, thus no matter what route taken, much thought must be put into it.
Personally..I am in my late 30's and have a child. If a man came along and wanted to have a child with me I would tell him the same thing as the woman did..."I am not willing to have anymore children..I love you and I understand your desire, and am willing to compromise and look at adopting an older child."
An older child I could justify to myself in that it is much harder for older children to get a home, and I feel I have the patience and understanding that would be involved with such a scenario. I would look at it as I am helping this child learn what love truly is and what a family should be all about. The benefit to me in such a decision as well would be no late night feedings to a crying baby, (precious as they are...been there...done that...getting to old for it now..lol), diaper changing etc etc etc. Babies are amazing and wonderful little gifts from God...but I do not want to start all over again. Of course in an ideal world, the father will help with these responsibilities and be there for the child as much as I am. However...this world is not so ideal...realistically...well possibly anyway...the same man that could have begged me for a child...could turn around and not lift a finger to help...and leave the soul responsibility to me....not to mention...at any given time could leave me, pass away on me, me leave him...etc...then I am alone to raise my child...at least when I have the child with me ( depending on custody etc ).
Having a baby at the age of 40 and up ..means you can't even think of having your house/life to yourselves again till your pushing 60 or well into them. Adoption could end up this way to mind you..depending on what age of child you adopt. Adoption could end up in all the above mentioned worse case scenarios in fact. Regardless, having a baby...ensures this ...lol...period!
So to the woman and man mentioned by the OP...they both need to evaluate just how important it is to have a child...and are they really willing/capable of all the responsibility that goes with it..no matter what their decision. If they truly love each other...they will work it out. It is not fair of the man to ask her to bear a child...and it is not fair of her to say ..I will not give you a child ( something he deeply desires ). If he is adamant about a child...and she is adamant about not bearing her own...for the reason above or ones not mentioned....they should compromise with adoption, end the relationship..if the feelings in both are rock solid, or just remain childless and enjoy their love for each other and be happy for what they do have..not what they don't.  | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/26/2006 2:48:57 AM | Thank you all, these are the best and rational answers I'm getting so far on POF. Special thanks to justagal1, insightful advice in all aspect.
I believe the man's desire is to have his own bloodline, as many other men do. The woman's concern is not just about her biological clock ticking, but not willing to bring another innocent life to a world which is so messed up. Adoption therefore seems to be a good choice, if they want a child to complete a family.
In my opinion, a boy aged 3-5 sounds most suitable in this case. Since a boy may become more attached to his Dad, that the man will likely spend more time and take up more responsibility in raising the child. What do you think? | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/26/2006 4:45:19 AM |
I believe the man's desire is to have his own bloodline, as many other men do. The woman's concern is not just about her biological clock ticking, but not willing to bring another innocent life to a world which is so messed up. Adoption therefore seems to be a good choice, if they want a child to complete a family.
I agree with you...in fact I almost didn't have a child based on that thinking. I did not have my daughter till I was just shy of 30, as I felt it almost appeared selfish to have a child in this day and age, and had spoken many times to my ex, about considering adoption. I wanted more then anything to have a child though, and realized that basing my decision on "what if's" and logic etc was perhaps being a little over the top. I couldn't be happier with my little girl, and have no regrets. I have done my best to lay the groundwork in her little life now, in hopes, when she becomes a teenager and beyond that the world will not jade her, harm her etc.
Bottom line it boils down to what you feel is right for you. I felt my decision at the time was right for me, and my ex. I feel now that the right decision for me, should I be with someone, that may desire children, would be to consider adoption, if it was that important to him. In fact, if I had the finances to allow for it...I would consider adopting a child, even if I remain single. I believe that adopting a child is a wonderful gift you can give to yourself and to that child, that may otherwise never know what true family is. It takes a strong individual to take on a child that is not your own, and a lot of patience, but I feel the rewards for all involved are priceless.
In my opinion, a boy aged 3-5 sounds most suitable in this case. Since a boy may become more attached to his Dad, that the man will likely spend more time and take up more responsibility in raising the child. What do you think?
In regards to the logic in the age, I agree, this is a good age to look at. These children are often overlooked in the adoption process as most adopting want babies. Most realize that a child of this age, may require more work, patience etc..and feel they may not be ready or able to take on that responsibility. If a person feels that they have what it takes to do this though..I applaud them. No child should ever feel unwanted or unloved..and by that age...they in all likelihood do. As for the logic of it being a boy...honourable thought, and may help in the convincing of the man, that may not be totally "warm" to the idea...however, I think personally it doesn't matter. A child is a child, and once in your home, you can't help but love them and want to spend time with them, regardless of gender. In fact, many men are closer with their daughter's...there really is something to be said about "Daddy's little girl". If considering adoption, the gender should be irrelevent...the thing I would most be thinking of is what is this child's past, where have they come from etc...and which child would we be a best fit for...and he/she to us.
Hope that helps OP. | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/26/2006 8:01:45 AM | | Actually, boys becoming closer to dad is a fallacy...have you never heard of daddy's little girl? Little girls are closer to dad because he provides security as well as support for us. | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 8/26/2006 8:18:31 AM | Msg#7 "Since both of you do not have kids, I don't see anything wrong with adoption. In fact that would be the best way to have a child. You are in your 40s. That's not the recommended or even a healthy age to give birth the natural way. Sure, women give birth in their 40s. But the risk is just too high. Besides, why bring a new life to this world at this age? You would be 50 when the child is 10. That does not sound right because you would not be able to spend time with your child like a normal parent. The child would lose out on a lot of parent-child normal upbringing."
Via Hun this is not all true...Some ladies are in better shape/health in their forties than in their 20's...It not all to do medically in hindering a women in her 40's to give birth to a healthy baby. Years ago it was taboo, not so much now.
As for being 50 and the child being 10, there is nothing wrong with that, 50 is not old these days. Some ppl that age have more time for a child, for their life is not so hectic, like the years of being young and wild. A child may gain more not lose out on a "normal upbringing". I seen a lot of mistakes and neglect on being a young parent.
Op Nothing wrong with either as long as you both can live with it.
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 2/7/2007 2:27:34 PM | | I'm adopted, and, as with Jim Arnst, my new family (or rather, my adoptive mother) wasn't so hot, but I'm sure msot adoptive families are just fine. My current BF and I are in a serioyus relationship, and from time to time discuss marriage and children. I think if either one of us couldn't have kids of our own, I'd like to adopt, which I would've been reluctant to think about before, as it would be kinda weird being an adoptee with an adopted kid. But it would still be a beautiful experience. Done babbling now. | |
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Tarika
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Joined: 8/30/2006
Msg: 24 | |
| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 2/7/2007 3:16:14 PM | | I would suggest adopting. I am leary of younger men because of the reason you stated....them wanting children when I'm getting older. I guess if I was madly in love and we really clicked, I would do it for him. But, it would be an extremely hard decision for me to make because of my age. | |
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| What's wrong with adoption?
Posted: 2/7/2007 3:22:08 PM | Ooops - when I said "wow - adoption REALLY isn't for you", I was referring to BuckXtreme's post -- not the the person who started this thread!
Just wanted to be clear. | |
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