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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/5/2006 3:47:05 PM | Whether all single-mom scenarios are the same is my general question... but my main concerns are based on the woman I've been dating (and coming to an end right now, I imagine):
At the beginning of 4th-of-July weekend, I met this woman. A great, very attractive girl who is seemingly wholesome on the outside (needy sex drive on the inside) who is very sweet, and really seems like the kind of girl a lot of guys would die for. We hit it off, and she kissed me at the bar, while she was visiting for a little party of an old co-worker. We hit it off, hung out, and she has a 2.5 year old child... her friends warned me when I met her that she was vunerable and going thru a divorce, but after I met her and hung out with her -- the last thing I was worried about was her ex. She never brought him up hardly, and it was nothing like women who were still hung up on their ex... she left him 8 months beforehand.
Anyway, she lives with some family members 2 hours away, and virtually every weekend (besides her coming out here a few times), I have driven out there, hung out -- but little one-on-one time. That's fine, I'm not needy on that end -- but it's evolved over the past 2 months into virtually no one-on-one time, 2 hours away. It should be noted we hit it off bigtime in the beginning, and did have some one-on-one time and made the most of it, very enjoyably.
(1) Her "ex-husband" drew away from her while she was pregnant, and a questionable marriage went downhill after that. While the child was close to 2 years old, she finally left him.
(2) She can't stand to be away from the child, and feels very uncomfortable and is paranoid when others deal with her kid in terms of any level of "discipline" (ie saying NO or me being a little frustrated like any parent or guardian can be when the kid's a toddler).
(3) She grew up without a father in the house during her mid-childhood on, but he lived in the small town that she lived in, where everyone knew everybody. May have something to do with it.
(4) She's only had 3 longterm relationships in her life, not even leaving room for any short-term ones, really. IE - not a lot of dating experience at all -- just longterm relationship experience.
(5) She is going through custody issues in the courts with her kid, and it's on a path where the father will see the kid every other weekend, once his issues with personal counseling are taken care of (he's a bipolar middle school principal, ironically)
(6) I'm great with kids. Her kid sees me as her best friend, and misses me when I'm back home.
(7) Most of the time I've spent is with her family or close middle-aged friends, along with her and her daughter. What started out as just an understandable "lack" of one-on-one time, has turned into virtually zero -- and it doesn't bother her.
(8) She has always worked fulltime or virtually fulltime, but it now seems more apparent that she can't stand to be away from her daughter for more than a few hours, even if something is planned beforehand.
My problem is that being 2 hours away, her worrying about custody issues, and recently not inclined to deal with babysitters or anything like that -- has lead me to believe that her once ultra-strong feelings for me and about us have wiltered away. This past weekend, I spent it up north at her mom's house, where I felt like a 3rd wheel. It's not that I don't like spending time with family -- it's that I'm more like a cameraman on a reality TV show. The issues she's dealing with I learn when she talks to others... I don't even have time to talk with her, because there's always family and/or family-like-friends around.
There's more to the story about me getting fed up, and making an ass out of myself by discluding myself from a trolley ride on Mackinaw Island after I found out she and I couldn't even take a walk together... stuff like that. She compared me to her ex who didn't like family, or caused problems in front of her family, etc. I feel like I didn't make the most out of the past weekend to show a great image of myself at her mother's house (who I already met previously)... I could have handled it better -- and it turned into an argument on the long car ride home.
But basically, are single mothers like this? Is it just me? Did she just want a guy for a while, but it wore off?? | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/5/2006 3:56:40 PM | I am going threw custody issues with my ex rightnow and it is really hard to focus on anything else.. Its nothing personal its just that the thought of having a judge who doesnt know us or our children decide what is best for them is scarey and stressfull.. Please hang in there, she might come around and for your sake I hope she does you sound like an amazing man. Anyway cheers and good luck.
Tiffany | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/5/2006 3:59:10 PM | Eh, can I say that all men are the same?
No, we are all different.
Regarding your situation: you were/are the rebound.
Like I said, we are all different, but this woman is GOING thru a divorce, some can handle it can have no baring on starting something new, others, it takes time.
Shes emotional and vulnerable, her friends told you that, but you had to experience it on your own.
My advice, dont jump to conclusions that every divorced woman is like that, however, dont be blind to dating a woman too soon fresh out of a relationship/marriage. | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/5/2006 4:03:53 PM | It's always a mistake to take one situation and aplpy it to the world at large.
Of course all single-mom scenarios aren't the same. Silly question.
Whatever in the world does her ex being a "bipolar middle school principal, ironically" have to do with anything whatsoever? Are you saying people with mental health issues shouldn't be allowed to have jobs?
News flash -- it's the people who *don't* get help that worry me. Maybe they don't have an official diagnosis, but they can be plenty screwed up just the same. | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/5/2006 4:48:06 PM | OpheliaBonBon,
It was a silly question -- I guess my question is more like "is this common or to be expected?" Secondly, the irony was the fact that her ex-husband's job is dealing with kids, and the court is going through a process to see if it's alright for him to see the kid (with counselors involved for the first few times, for a few hours). It wasn't a knock about people seeking help, which I guess he really does need.
Anyway, she's not too-recently out of a divorce. She's been far away from him, and he hasn't had her number for many months, and they don't talk. She's been in a new environment, new job, etc. -- which many people don't get to do when leaving their spouse. However, there obviously is pain there, but as she puts it -- she just wants it done with finally, and she's concerned about the custody thing. There are slight, merely possible doubts about how she feels about her ex -- I do think even though she doesn't want to get back with him at all, she does wish he wasn't the kind of guy he is.
After she drove back, I got a few things from her family's house, said hello to some people there and took off without giving my girl a formal goodbye (long story why - she was being cold hearted). We basically have broken up, and she hasn't called me or anything -- I think the ball's in her court for the time being. Am I wrong on that? | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/5/2006 5:19:32 PM |
But basically, are single mothers like this? Is it just me? Did she just want a guy for a while, but it wore off??
She has fallen into a "groove' with you. Shes obviously comfortable with your relationship.....if you arent, you need to sit down with her, tellher that youwant some things to change, that you want to spend some more one on one time together. But you also need tounderstand that her child and family is very important to her, and by n means will you ever be "number one'. It seems like you have semi accepted that, and thats good.
dont stay in a relationship that you arent happy with.
She might not be feeling the same way you are. After all, there's your side, her side, and the truth.
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me+2
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Joined: 8/11/2006
Msg: 7 | |
| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/5/2006 6:21:47 PM | to the OP:
The first thing that strikes me about your story is that you only met her on the July 4th weekend and you seem to have become very wrapped up in her life awfully soon. All of the details, all of the time spent with her AND her daughter, the family get-togethers, the wondering about sharing discipline, etc. Did this not send up red flags for you that she seemed to be such an open door? I'm wondering if maybe she was looking for someone to play the knight in shining armour to get her through all this. Some women mistakenly look for this when going through a divorce and custody..they want someone there to lean on, to be the hero. Perhaps, even if she doesn't realize it herself, this is what she was looking for.
Many single mothers are protective of their children, but this is a different situation because she was completely willing to have you around her daughter quite early on into the relationship. So protectiveness doesn't seem to be the underlying issue regarding the alone time. Perhaps she is avoiding the alone time because she doesn't want to be confronted with your feelings and that she is in fact leading you on to believe that this relationship is more than it is...a bandaid for her while she goes through all of this.
Of course, I'm playing amateur psychologist here, and could very well be wrong. But I do find it rather alarming that after two months, she has involved you in absolutely every aspect of her life, including her daughter, her extended family and her divorce and custody issues with her ex.
I would say that your present situation has more to do with the emotional trauma she is going through, and less to do with her being a single mother. Perhaps the fact that she is a NEWLY single mother is more the issue here. | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/5/2006 9:00:05 PM | me2,
Throughout my long initial post, I didn't make everything clear...
(a) She has clearly said that she is trying to be an independent woman. Her ex was very controlling. She has quirky issues about not wanting me to move suitcases or other "man-type" little duties... even paying for things at McDonalds or out to eat at a resturant. She admitted it's an issue with her when it comes to that. So I highly doubt she's looking for a knight-in-shining armor, at least in the classical sense.
(b) She has clearly admitted that when it comes to her daughter, she is overly protective and is on edge about "small" things when it comes to her child... saying "no", or anything dealing with her child's questionable or blatent bad behavior -- on the small scale, too -- I'm not even talking about getting to the point of time-outs. Essentially, she clearly doesn't want anyone else to play a role in helping to shape the child -- and she is nervous a lot when I am around playing with the kid -- even though the kid totally loves being around me most of the time (which leads to her continuing to allow the kid to be around me). It's not protectiveness, per say, but I think it has the same root cause of where the over-protectiveness comes from. Her mother has even noted that she's too concerned about having to always be around her daughter, though some statements. :)
Perhaps she is avoiding the alone time because she doesn't want to be confronted with your feelings and that she is in fact leading you on to believe that this relationship is more than it is...a bandaid for her while she goes through all of this.
I think this is a very good consideration. I have expressed to her a couple weeks ago that I read a vibe off her that she isn't "that into me anymore"... she wasn't argumentative about that, but I pointed out how I may be a sort of a relief -- a guy in her life, where sex is good and someone to cling to -- a sense of romantic security -- but phased out after the honeymoon phase. She hasn't really responded to that directly at all -- and this past weekend, she didn't want to talk about anything really at all -- and avoided me in her mother's small house. I was the one before who brought up the possibility of me being a bandaid, and maybe that made her realize that maybe I really am. Hmmm, who knows!
After our fallout on Monday evening, and I took off brashly after she was, from my perspective, outwardly acting as if I'm really a nobody in her life and comparative to how her ex is -- how would I address this situation to her, if at all? Should I be the one to call her? She was hurt by an ex, and like many, sees problems and equates them on the same level. She was taught by friends to run away from them -- maybe she's totally ready to be hasty and run from me. That's fine... but I don't want to call her up and deal with that. I only want to talk with her, if she's come to a more reasonable mindset, and not pumped up by friends with the whole "guys are jerks no matter what" advice.
Decisions, decisions. | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/6/2006 4:34:32 AM | My 2 cents - it sounds like you are a spoiled child who expects to be the centre of attention, and when she wouldn't give it to you, you had a tantrum and ran!. It is september 6th - you MET her in July - did you honestly expect she would allow you to discipline her child in 2 MONTHS???? As well, if she has introduced you to her child, did it occur to you that her child is VERY YOUNG, and she probably didn't want her daughter feelign left out?
When people want family around, etc..it is typically becuase they are feeling out the other person, and building a comfort level. Obviously she felt vibes from you that were not making her feel comfortable being alone with you. You know her situation, and that she is going through a divorce, etc...did you consider there might not be any one-on-one becuase of the legal implications? adultery/custody etc.? | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/6/2006 8:33:40 AM | grace35,
it sounds like you are a spoiled child who expects to be the centre of attention, and when she wouldn't give it to you, you had a tantrum and ran!
Spoiled? Actually, no. I'm totally cool by not being the center of attention... And regardless of one's viewpoints on the subject, I didn't have a tantrum and ran... She was being pretty heartless, and yes, I wanted to make a statement that I wasn't going to be a total yes-man to her.
You should understand that virtually every weekend I would drive out there to see her. I enjoy that -- as long as I know her interest in me (or "us") isn't fading, and there's an open line of communication between her and I about issues she's dealing with. If you read my original post, it started off with little but enough one-on-one time, but it went to zero -- and by reading her attitude, this weekend, I got the sense that is how she wanted it -- which is the real problem. It's an actual concern, not a hyperactive need for attention.
It is september 6th - you MET her in July - did you honestly expect she would allow you to discipline her child in 2 MONTHS???? As well, if she has introduced you to her child, did it occur to you that her child is VERY YOUNG, and she probably didn't want her daughter feelign left out?
"Discpline" is a strong word -- I always think of spankings or timeouts when that word is used. What I'm talking about is saying "no" or correcting a child in a passive way, followed by positives. The only strange part is spending 95% of my time with her and her child right off the bat of dating. But given that, if she and I got close very quickly, spending time with her family and her child -- yes, me acting as a friend and a babysitter at the same time with the kid isn't a stretch -- regardless of how long she and I dated before I spent all my time with her AND her child. If I would have dated her for 6 months and never really seen child kid, but then spent a ton of time with the child like I have -- would that really matter to the child? Her child wouldn't feel "left out" by playing with family members while she and I could take a walk, go out for a bit at any time. It's the girl I've been dating who feels "guilty". It's a problem with her, not the child, and she does admit that.
You know her situation, and that she is going through a divorce, etc...did you consider there might not be any one-on-one becuase of the legal implications? adultery/custody etc.?
Nope, not at all. If there's anything I'm pretty darn sure of, it's any legal implications. Her sister's in-laws, who she lives with, and takes their advice like the price of gold, are against living-together-before-marriage -- but encouraged her to date me and to spend time with me. One-on-one time doesn't mean sex (although that's obviously not discluded) -- and when it came to sex, it's something she enjoyed and didn't feel guilty about. In fact, I often thought that maybe I was more of an outlet for sexual satisfaction than a real boyfriend or anything, since she initiated it all (very quickly!) | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/6/2006 9:10:45 AM | If you have so many issues with this, then just dont date a single mother.
Simple as that.
You know her time with her kids will always come first, and you will take a back burner. Her priorities will be the children, not catering to your "one on one" time.
I understand you like her, but if this is going to be an issue, why waste your time and her time? | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/6/2006 9:21:45 AM | Absolutely; we are ALL alike, men are all pigs, and all tigers have the same stripes...I love generalizations, don't you?
Fry | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/6/2006 9:56:50 AM | river_girl,
You know her time with her kids will always come first, and you will take a back burner. Her priorities will be the children, not catering to your "one on one" time.
Of course a child comes first, and is the #1 priority -- who's arguing that? That's not the issue... and I think it's a little steep to say "catering to your one-on-one time". It's not necessarily that I want "more" -- I would like her to want to spend time with just me, her, and her kid -- or me and her -- when the opportunities arise, especially given that we only see eachother on weekends. Problem is, most time is just spent with her family members, some of which can be a little uncomfortable... and when you sense that interest wanes on her part - yeah, you want to at least be able to have one-on-one conversation with her, right?
When she put her kid to bed, she still was uncomfortable spending time as a couple. Am I asking her to "cater" to me? I don't think so. Some single mothers have a desire to look for babysitters on occasion, right? My question is: How common is it that it extends this far?
And for those who dislike my question "Are all single-mom scenarios the same", take note that it's me wondering how much the *scenarios* have in common, in relation to this one, not to single-moms themselves. | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/6/2006 10:45:32 AM | The bottom line is that the woman is just not into you. If she was she would have spent "alone" time with you before. Stop wondering....she just isn't interested in anything long term or serious with you.
my .02 cents | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/6/2006 10:54:04 AM | I think Carol could be right.
Of course not all single moms are like this.
Bottom line, if she liked you, shed make the time to get a sitter, or just overall be happy to have time with or without kids. | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/6/2006 11:05:27 AM | | She has a two and a half year old. Two and a half year olds don't have on/off switches. I've been on dates with guys who have kids this age. They require 100% of your attention. That's just the way it is. Sorry. Pay for a babysitter and take her dancing. Either that or call her in a couple years when the kid's older. | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/6/2006 11:16:45 AM | I think that overall, men/women who dont have children, just dont simply understand the consumption and all things involved with children. They say they do, and dont expect to always have alone time, etc.
But the main thing it keeps comming back to, is not enuf alone time, or time in general. Hey, its expected to happen when you have child/ren.
I cant blame someone who doesnt have children, to have get up and go time. But, bottom line, when you get involved with a woman or man with children, you just simply dont have that.
If one is so fickle about it, and unsure, then just dont date them. | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/6/2006 11:28:51 AM | the woman sounds like your typical overprotective freak. An old aquaintance of mine was very similar.Her entire life revolved around her son.He could do no wrong...and she would leave a place and cancel outings just to make him happy.
I agree you should always hold your kids in high regard..but as well we need to be adults..and men and women as well.WE need time to ourselves...we need to make alone time, and its so important to your emotional wellbeing to at least make the effort.My neighbors never go out..hardly leave the house and dont go out and have date nights. Its KIDS KIDS KIDS non stop.
They whine about it but for goodness sake look in the paper...go to a high school and post an add looking for a sitter!!!!! I talk to the mom and shes so upset and misses having romantic nights out. I would offer but then it makes 5 kids in my house...CRAZINESS!!!
a mom can be really into thier kids but also she must respect you..and like and love you enough to make the effort to be with you as an adult..to give someone else the reigns for a little while.  | |
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eiivc
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Joined: 1/18/2006
Msg: 19 | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/7/2006 10:44:10 AM | Thanks for the input so far -- all the negative, positive, and in between. :)
I understand how the "kids kids kids" mentality of a single parent can be too much for a guy (or girl) to handle when dating. It isn't really a problem for me -- I really like kids, it's an significant adjustment for a dating life, but I'm versatile in that regard (as long as there's open lines of communication).
I think the problem isn't being so much into one's kids. I think the "kids come first, get used to it!" response when reading half a post by a guy with concerns about dating a single mother, is just a knee-jerk response. I believe that she has started to use that mentality as a shield for her own adjustments in dating, and over time, I have noticed that she isn't the kind of gal who likes lifestyle adjustments at all in life.
At the same time, being totally set on the "kids kids kids" mentality, can lead a single parent to really not be that into you over time. I guess it is understood that a first-time dating single mother has her adjustments too, and I think it being too much for her, sets it in stone that it's too much for me, too. | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/7/2006 11:00:08 AM | I think the "kids come first, get used to it!" response when reading half a post by a guy with concerns about dating a single mother, is just a knee-jerk response
-I read the entire post before replying.
-Sorry you dont like the truthful response from another single mother.
-It wasnt meant to be rude, however, you took it that way.
Its an adjustment for everyone involved. It requires patience.(seriously, think about it, its only been since July that you met)
Maybe you didnt read some of the responses that perhaps shes just not that into you. | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/7/2006 11:46:40 AM | river_girl,
-I read the entire post before replying.
-Sorry you dont like the truthful response from another single mother.
-It wasnt meant to be rude, however, you took it that way.
Acutually, I wasn't referring to you personally -- I was actually speaking in reference to knee-jerk responses, assuming it's always an issue of the guy wanting too much time with a single mother, or not understanding that kids come first. An attitude that non-parenting guys are clueless and don't understand this -- which is pretty arrogant. I wasn't disecting your post.
Its an adjustment for everyone involved. It requires patience.(seriously, think about it, its only been since July that you met)
If you read my last post, that's how I ended it -- understanding that it's an adjustment for her, too. It requires open lines of communication; something she isn't comfortable with, and when taking care of a toddler, it's even more essential for a relationship to work, when ya just have a weekend relationship with someone. In the big picture, I was more than patient... but lack of communication given our situation made me lose my patience, and that freaked her out. I think I could mesh with a lot of single mothers, but I guess a newly-dating single mother who has slept in the same bed with her child until she was 2.5 years old (and going to bed at the same time up until near the end), sort of reflects how much of an adjustment it is for her. :) | |
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| Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/7/2006 11:52:36 AM |
Maybe you didnt read some of the responses that perhaps shes just not that into you.
Yes, I read your last post too. I still think July is too soon to know for sure if this is going to be a habit. I agree communication is best though. | |
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