| | Drawbacks of Online Dating ServicesPage 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | I have noticed that one of the main drawbacks to this way of meeting people is that our expectations often becoming unrealistic. It allows us to screen the people who we want to meet in a way that is impossible in a live setting, it is so easy to do this that many of us go too far and we end up missing out on some great people.
Because we are able to 'shop' around so easily, we overlook people that might otherwise have proved appealing had we gotten to know them. Many people have rather lengthy lists (like shopping lists) of criteria by which they judge the appeal of other people - something most of us do NOT use when meeting people in person.
I wonder how many of the important people in our lives would have passed all our selection criteria in this kind of situation?
What do you think? | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/6/2006 11:03:20 AM | I believe it depends on the person rather than if you are meeting someone online or offline.
Many people have unrealistic expectations and they are unwilling to settle anyone they can get. There may be a higher percentage of people on line with unrealistic expections, but they exist both on and off internet sites. | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/6/2006 11:23:55 AM | | I agree with you completely len69. I think online dating is rather backwards and we do tend to create a sort of "fantasy" about what we will encounter and we also already know a lot about what the other person is looking for. With this mindset, 99% of the time we will set ourselves up to be disappointed or rejected. But we just need to keep trying and to perhaps be more objective and if we enjoyed the initial meeting and found the person to be attractive and pleasant, then we should try to see them again and get to know them better. People tell us not to "try so hard". I think they are right. Look at someone you meet as a "friend" first and invest in the friendship side for awhile and see what happens. That is what you'd do if you met someone at a social event or from networking. | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/6/2006 11:26:05 AM | | Yes, you are right. Plus, the written word can add another dimension to our expectations... we can also judge people on their spelling and grammar!! (Well I do! ) Fighting a losing battle from what I've seen.... although yours is good, Len!! | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/6/2006 11:37:29 AM | I completely disagree.
In the real world I believe we all carry this list mentally in our heads when we meet someone new. Yes, we might be more likely be to be friendlier because they are right there in front of us be we still have out "lists" we resort back to.
PLUS in the real world you also have smell added to that! A woman will disregard a man as a potential mate because of his smell , and no no.. not bad body odour but his natural smell he gives off. | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/6/2006 11:45:10 AM | ''In the real world I believe we all carry this list mentally in our heads when we meet someone new. Yes, we might be more likely be to be friendlier because they are right there in front of us be we still have out "lists" we resort back to.
PLUS in the real world you also have smell added to that! A woman will disregard a man as a potential mate because of his smell , and no no.. not bad body odour but his natural smell he gives off.''
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I don't disagree with that, but we don't go through a checklist when we first meet someone and then write them off if they don't meet our criteria. Sure, they may have a trait or traits that we simply won't tolerate, but in general I don't think we are as picky.
Often we find we can put up with a few undesirable characteristics in someone, once we get to know them and appreciate them more fully.
As to that smell thing - I think it works both ways LOL | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/6/2006 11:49:39 AM | I think online dating is what you make of it...
if your a person who takes advantage of things, is unrealistic...
then your going to do it in real life too and not just the virtual world. | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/6/2006 5:40:53 PM | In real life I will talk to almost anyone, anytime, anywhere - I for one feel that no one can have "Too Many Friends". Some of these meetings are nothing more than that, a simple, "Hey, how are ya", others, fewer of course turn into a friendship, coffee, etc... and fewer still may turn out to be someone you could really fall for. My experiences on this site however are far different than in real life (mind you i havn't been on long) - but I have sent out a fair amount of mails, and havn't even gotten so much as a response from 99% of them. I don't think that I have a list of expectations of anyone in real life, or on here really - perhaps i'm not using this site correctly, I was thinking of it as more of an online community than a shopping site.
Hopefully more people adopt my attitude (because i'm always right) | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/6/2006 5:49:44 PM | thanks Len for starting this thread! This is the subject of my thesis research project! Love ya for getting it going!  
I agree with u 100% online dating feeling like shopping in the candy store and it really isn't fair to have us each reduced to something insignificant without really knowing the person.
Many pple have facade and psuedo profiles, stories etc how do we really know what is true or fiction. How do we get through and past the head games even we challenge them to the their faces and ask outright if they are players or not.
My thread got deleted once again for asking pple about player anonymous figuring out what is the difference between that and a serial dater? Someone in higher POF land wasn't too happy with me and say.."oh well , chalk that one up too to experience".
I am tired of the head games, players who just want a FWB. I can do the FWB but it comes with a very high price and I don't mean money.
Right now I have played in the summer and now am played out... time to regroup, refocus and stabilize to find out what I truly desire... BALANCE.
Thanks for listening to my 2 cents.
TTYL | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/6/2006 6:02:03 PM | Hmmm
I think when we meet people, or have an online OR offline relationship, we do have UNREAL expectations. I've come to learn that My perception of roamce and the perfect guy isnt "my perception" at all, It's what I've been TRAINED to think, and we all have been trained to think, thru Hollywood and all the entertainment industry, and even our families.
For example, you go out on a date, kiss a girl...no fireworks in the skies, no violins wailing... did u do something wrong? Why dont we " click?" You must not be meant for each other,right?
And u bring the "woman u always dreamed of" home to meet ur parents, coz "she's just perfect!" well, at least u THOUGHT she was... til mommy told u all her faults.
Just my two cents worth, not really worth anything. I've been dissapointed ALL my life. I had felt this way for a while and I thought I was weird. Now I know I'm not the only weirdo around | |
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A muse
| | Joined: 8/17/2006
Msg: 11 | |
| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/6/2006 6:09:09 PM | | I for one remain fairly open to meeting people because I think everyone has something to offer and I find most people I meet interesting. One of the advantages of online dating is that a lot of guys actually approach me and say "Hi" -- now there's a novelty -- in the so called "real world" guys look, but they rarely approach me, or say anything. | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/6/2006 6:16:20 PM | I love this thread!...........the author speaks the truth.........I have overlooked people simply because I find it hard to connect through such brief notes!, neither party likes to disclose too much understandably. We want to take chances.... but are a little sceptical. Not sure what the answer is!...... | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/6/2006 6:29:45 PM |
neither party likes to disclose too much understandably.
If you wear a mask and don't reveal the real you, you will only find the ones that are attracted to your mask. Only by revealing who you truly are will you attract someone that is truly compatible. If you hide behind a mask, in time he or she will discover the real you and your relationship may be short-lived. | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/7/2006 4:38:33 AM | | Its nothing to do with hiding.........you hear strange stories of how both women and men get 'taken to the cleaners!'. It has to make us a little sceptical?.......I don't hide behind a mask, but I don't volnteer information that I feel should be reviled after getting to know someone, Its great when you meet someone that is into you, and not what you are driving, or what you own!!! | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/7/2006 12:16:08 PM | None of the important people in my life would have passed my selection criteria in this kind of situation...
one of the reasons I hardly talk to them now...
LOL | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/7/2006 12:24:28 PM | | The drawback for me is in seeing women here who would rather be lonely and sad than happily in love with me. I can handle being passed over for someone better, since I am not the best man on the planet, but to be placed second to abject loneliness is a low blow. I'd like to at least be considered better than nothing. But, here I am so it must be a kind of pain I crave, somehow. | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/7/2006 12:34:07 PM | I thought everyone on here was a great catch! As close to perfect as can be!
Personally, the statement i laugh at on here the most is " I want someone hot" Like it doesn't matter if you have mental issues, your abusive, or whatever, its ok if your hot!
My personal opinion is online dating is way more superficial then normal means of dating. To back up this statemnt, I have seen an attractive lady on here with a nice profile pic, but the only thing her proile says is "I'll fill out later" nothing else. But she was on 671 favourite lists... Absolutely ridiculous. | |
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lorie1
| | Joined: 5/23/2006
Msg: 18 | |
| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/7/2006 1:08:31 PM | This IS a great forum,the threads seem to voice the most sensible things I have read regarding online dating,and our headspaces about it.Someone said regarding profiles,"it's the sizzle,not the steak" in what a lot of profiles seem to project.I found that a lot of what sounds great about a person,is not who they are but who they think they are.
The issue I keep running into most,is where the other person is looking for someone to make their lives "better".Granted,I think a good relationship does that, but instant gratification in the psychology department simply doesen't happen.If the person youve been corresponding with has been padding up thier profile,what is it they are trying to cover, and how do they think this makes anything better,in the long run?It dosen't work,yet people do this all the time!
If it's about sex,well, thats a different type of gratification-and not the one I'm talking about here.
Sooner or later, Masks come off,because it take way too much energy to keep them on 24-7.even if someone's psychotic or sociopathic,it can't be maintained indefinitely.
I think most of us on sites like this fall in the norm,which is tricky enough to deal with. Sometimes liking similar things,and having similar beliefs and attitudes isn't enough,as we find when we meet up for coffee after a few chats or emails that sounded so good,it set our expectations up to an unrealistic level.
What I came to realise is that many of us ( me too!) have ideas about what we think we really want, but it dosen't fall into the category of what we really need! And how many of us really know ourselves well enough to know what we really need?
The way I figure it is that if I can make errors in judgement,so can others, and thats all part of life,on line or off. | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/7/2006 1:11:09 PM | John6 I agree with what you said, I'd rather reveal the real me. That way only people attracted to my true profile will contact me and less likely to be disappointed. I'd rather not go for a coffee with someone than go and then find out they think ' he looks/seems different than his profile'.
In regards to the main tread... I have thought that from day one, In real life I will talk to every that crosses my path, but on the site it's easy to just keep scrolling by like you're window shopping.
I have been on the site 3 weeks and have talked to a few nice people, perhaps I need to maintain the same attitude in cyber world as I would in the real world.  | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/7/2006 2:32:27 PM | | Using internet dating sites is a completely different thing than meeting people in real life. Here, we have to do without most of the information we take for granted in real life- we can't see them move, catch a flitatious glance, smell them, hear them, or see how they interact with others. If we aren't picky here, we could spend our whole lives dating sorting out the wheat from the chaff. What we need to do is keep ADAPTING to THIS REALITY and learn to write better profiles and better emails that actually convey the information and meaning we need (to know what we're doing). | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/7/2006 3:15:35 PM | I'm fully aware of the limitations of the internet.
But I'd rather accidentally screen out good people than meet more weirdos. | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/7/2006 9:18:14 PM | This one is a toss-up for me. There are definitely drawbacks to online dating than meeting someone naturally, but there are also positives. My preference would be to meet someone naturally and have the progression be more casual. You don't have to email or talk on the phone thinking that you have a lot in common and then be disappointed when you meet in person and there is no chemistry or attraction. If you met naturally, the chemistry/attraction is already there and you just need to figure out if there is anything else in common.
On the flip side, most men I get to know are at work and that is just not something I want to be involved in. Online dating in a sense is very similar to a club setting except you can't always see what a person really looks like. There are a lot of choices out there and not everyone's motives are genuine. Needless to say, there has to be a lot of weeding out. However, I think that there are definitely possibilities and online dating is just another avenue to meet people. | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/7/2006 9:47:10 PM | I have no problems meeting women in person, just the wrong ones, although i am somewhat shy, they tend to approach me, which is probably why they are wrong for me... but on here i seem to have the plague.. I wish ladies could look into my eyes and even smell me. I firmly believe smell is important and i always make sure i smell nice. It's a big part of the first impression. ( i wear Drakkar, Jean-paul Gauthier and Clavin Klein truth) A nice dress shirt and decent shoes go along way as well.
Plus i do not photograph well for some reason. If i force a smile, i look like a perv. Quite charming in person.. or so i hope! But on paper/sscreen, i haven't figured it out yet. | |
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| Drawbacks of Online Dating Services
Posted: 9/7/2006 9:57:06 PM | | My problem is I don't look my age and it frightens girls my own age off which really sucks and older ones think or always say they are old enough to be my mother when they aren't. But honestly that happens the real way too but having a photo up has it's drawbacks in many different ways. Some of us don't photograph well and when we talk to someone who seems interested they just talk once and split kinda like the bar scene in real life. But every now and then some stuff works but no doubt it's better to have the real thing in person. Really the main thing is people act on here more then in person and when you meet if you get that far you might meet some nutjob or be caught in a lie. | |
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