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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 9:55:10 AM | Ok, so I've never started a thread myself before, I've always enjoyed reading and throwing my two cents in when I can or when I believe I have something of worth to say. But I really need some opinions on my newly found dilema. I'll do my best to keep it brief and to the point, but my confusion may cloud my ability to provide the pertinent information.
Now in the past I've kept my dating experiences fairly silent from my family, however over the last year I've opened up to my mother in regards to this portion of my life. Recently she pointed out to me that I say I want one thing, but every time a guy shows it to me I reject it. I did not realize this and now that she has said it, I'm very concerned that I may be subconsciously sabotaging my chances at actually finding someone to treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
Here is an example; not specific to any certain incident
I'll meet a guy, become intrigued, wait and wait for him to ask me out, anticipation builds, finally he does and of course I agree. I do the typical girly routine to get ready and he'll do his part of the courtship by picking me up, dressed nicely, bring me flowers, take me to dinner, hold my door, pull out my chair, use subtle compliments all evening, etc etc etc (I think you get the picture) By the end of the night he is hooked, telling me that he has had the most incredible time and he would be ecstatic to see me again. sound wonderful doesn't it? And before the date this is exactly what I'm hoping will happen. But time and time again I find myself going to my mother and when she asks "well, how did it go, are you going to see him again?" My answer is repeatedly "no, I don't think so"
My reasons are usually similar to the following...
"he was too nice..."
"he had to be faking it..."
"he touched my hand without me making a gesture that it was ok..."
"too many compliments, I felt uncomfortable..."
"He gave me a red rose.. its a little early for that..."
"He make a sexual joke, all he wants is sex from me..."
Again I think you probably have the point. Why am I doing this, and why didn't I notice this before? I know logically that I want a man who is willing to step up and impress me. Who will treat me with respect. Who will simply "fall in love with me" at first meeting. Am I not ready for a relationship? Do I not really want this - am I stuck in that "fairy-tale" land? I have so many questions about this and can't even put them all to words. But I'm hoping that through someone else's eyes maybe I can lead myself to a better path.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, I know that there are a lot of issues aired on here, and may get a little repetitive, so I truly appreciate this.
TOODLES
~Janine | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 10:16:11 AM | I think you know the answers really...
Question yourself closely, because you are the only one who can really figure out what matters to you.
And keep asking yourself whether your expectations are realistic.
I think that the idea that it has to be perfect from te first moment is your biggest obstacle.
Do you want your man to be human or not? Because if he is human he'll be flawed, he'll get things wrong. Can you accept that? If you think that you can't, think hard about how life would be with Mr Flawless. Pretty unbearable... It's clear you have some issues trusting -- can you not accept that he may have similar issues? If not, isn't that unfair of you? How can you expect him to fall in love with you instantly when you are not willing to do the same thing?
The answers to the questions you ask are very personal to you and you'll do best by listening to yourself and knowing youself and what you want, rather than trying to match yourself to what anyone else describes. | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 10:43:39 AM | | You are answering your own questions... You like the excitement of a new relationship, but you are afraid of the sameness of keeping the relationship. You like the anticipation and challenge of the hunt. You have read about Prince Charming and you're expectations are unrealistic. I'M NOT BLAMING YOU... I think we all have a somewhat unrealistic expectation sometimes. Take a good look at yourself and really ask yourself (and your mother) what you really want from a relationship. | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 10:55:41 AM | | It sounds to me like you are scared of what would happen if things went well enough to fall in love. Love is a big risk. You might have more fun than you can stand. Then what? Multiple orgasms? Stay safely on the diving board and make the water rise to meet you. It helps if you live someplace floods are expected. Everyone has fears about love, well, the fearful people do, at least, so you're not alone in that boat, or on that diving board. | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 11:01:30 AM | | How a about the simple fear that you're not worthy of happiness or simply afraid of success, most of us have a bit of that I think. We have a tendency to shoot ourselves in the foot for the silliest reasons. | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 11:04:36 AM | I saw Tony Robbins early in the 90s during the Firewalk experience in Toronto.
He said something (well many things) that sticks with me even today...(In particular)...he said...We sabotage our own success.
Deep down inside, we don't feel we are worthy of having the massive success of the great job, the great relationship, the great family.
He used stars like Belushi, Presley, Morrison...I'll add Nirvana's lead man Cobain, and River Phoenix to the list. They had the success...they had the stardom...but they were unable to cope with it, sabotaging their own careers...abusing drugs and alcohol.
Some people do the same thing when love finds them. They do not feel they deserve to find love...or to be loved. They sabotage the relationship early on, pushing away the love interest. They might be insecure, and unwilling to open up...the fear of success and fear of rejection controlling their actions and re-actions. Fear of success can be as strong a motivator as fear of failure...and both are much stronger than the pleasure received by the attentive and loving partner.
Self-awareness is the first step to find a solution. You need to step back...and take stock of yourself. Write down the qualities that you are unwilling to compromise in a mate, and those that aren't so important. Ask yourself what you're afraid of, what you want from a relationship, and where you will be in 5 years if you don't change the way you do things now.
Look back into your past and clean out the bad memories...bad experiences...bad relationships and past hurts. They are holding you from a wonderful, strong and loving relationship. I'd suggest writing them down on paper...analyze them...how they affected you then...and how they continue to affect you now. Then consciously decide to let them go...then shred those papers, burn them, tear them into confetti...just get rid of them. Tell yourself that you are moving forward. The past is the past...we can't control it...done is done...BUT we can make changes now, and affect our future.
Mother's are very intuitive people. I should have listened to mine wayyyy back when I was 23 and she told me my ex was no good. They are able to see things more clearly...and truly have your best interest at heart. It took me 11 years to finally agree and make the break...but sometimes we need to learn the hard way.
I hope I'm on the right track...I read your post and fear of success was the first thought that popped into my head. I reread it and saw much of myself in your words. I call it "being particular"...because of my role, I can afford to be particular, but it doesn't mean I'm happy while being alone in the meantime! *chuckles*
Good luck in your search...finding yourself, and your fish.
Dev | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 11:09:56 AM | I am exactly the same as soon as i get the one i have hunted for ages , i dont want him for these very reasons. I dont know if your into star signs but apparently this behaviour is very typical of someone who has venus in aries , lol. I am getting better know im not as bad as i was but at 24 i was just like you, but belive me one guy will come along and you'll be so smitten with him these wont be issues..
sorry meant to say im getting better now .. | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 11:12:07 AM | | Sounds to me like you are looking for reasons not to see them again.. I believe that deep down inside, you are flattered by the idea of a man asking you out, but you really dont want a relationship! Either you are afraid of commitment or you dont think you are worthy of a nice guy treating you with respect, or you are afraid that you might lose your indepedence! | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 11:33:16 AM |
You have read about Prince Charming and you're expectations are unrealistic.
What is realistic? How do I go from wanting my prince charming to wanting whats best for me? | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 11:37:27 AM | Recognise that you aren't Cinderella.
Understand who it is that you are.
Edit: on fear... there is a book called "feel the fear and do it anyway"
Haven't read the book, but the title explains what courage is. | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 11:38:12 AM |
It sounds to me like you are scared of what would happen if things went well enough to fall in love. Love is a big risk.
I am scared of what will happen if I fall in love again, but I want to...
Don't we all have fear of the unknown though? Even if only a little? | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 11:41:32 AM |
How a about the simple fear that you're not worthy of happiness or simply afraid of success, most of us have a bit of that I think. We have a tendency to shoot ourselves in the foot for the silliest reasons.
This definitely USED to be me. I didn't believe I deserved much of anything (as it had been my experience that anything that I did find or thought I earned would be ripped from me faster than I got it) But since my fiance left me I've done so much work into figuring out my authentic self that I now completely love who I am. I know that I am a good person, hard working, intelligent, friendly, loyal, and can be a total hoot to hang around with... but perhaps still very "love dumb" | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 11:45:31 AM | Some people do the same thing when love finds them. They do not feel they deserve to find love...or to be loved. They sabotage the relationship early on, pushing away the love interest.
I do know that I deserve it, perhaps just don't know how to accept it. (and if anyone can tell me how to do this i'm all ears.. or eyes rather)
But then again there are a lot of things that my brain knows and understands but my heart knows and understands something different. | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 1:03:34 PM | I got a couple of things out of this post. For one, it seems you're sabotaging any potential relationship, possibly out of fear of being hurt. I'd also say that maybe you were hurt in the past by someone who played you false, maybe was very giving and spoiling of you at first, only to reveal that those weren't his true colors once you got to know him, and hence you think that anybody who treats you well and acts like a gentleman is just putting on a front. The only advice I can offer is to get to know him better. One of the best ways to judge if he's putting on a show for you is to gauge how he treats other people, waitresses and bartenders, or just strangers you bump into while out on a date. If he treats these people with respect and courtesy, chances are he's a good guy that you can count on.
JMO | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 1:12:07 PM | How to accept love?
1. write down what you are afraid might happen.
2. write down what you would do if that happened.
3. decide if what you want is worth the risk of having to do what you would have to do if what you were afraid might happen did happen.
Once you have done your rational homework, you can go out to play.
Also, replace every worry and doubt about something he did or didn't do, with a thought like this: "Given everything I have to work with as a woman, and all that I know about men, what can I do next to make him smile ear to ear?", or, "Since successful relationships depend on happy people having their most important needs met, what lesson shall I teach him next about how to please me?"
None of this advice is applicable if his middle name has six letters. | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 1:20:02 PM | | For most people I think we are all "driven" by our past experiences etc and automaticly react (RE ACT) a certain way instead of going into a dating situation with an open mind and living "in the moment" not in the past. A good friend of mind always reminds (RE MIND) me "It's just dating" or "getting to know someone". I think a huge problem today is that people just don't give it enough time to really get to know the other person. So for me, I just stay completely honest with my self, keep an open mind, and I know the right person will show up when their supposed to. I do have certain things I'm looking for in a woman, and them being "nice" is certainly on top of the list, feeling comfortable together is second. | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 1:45:00 PM |
One of the best ways to judge if he's putting on a show for you is to gauge how he treats other people
I like that suggestion, my mom did always tell me to find out how he treats his mother as that would be a good indicator, but that early in the game its kind of hard to find out that infomration. And as previously mentioned by someone else (and I'm beginning to actually learn this) mom's are normally right. | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 2:00:29 PM | I do the typical girly routine to get ready and he'll do his part of the courtship by picking me up, dressed nicely, bring me flowers, take me to dinner, hold my door, pull out my chair, use subtle compliments all evening, etc etc etc (I think you get the picture) By the end of the night he is hooked, telling me that he has had the most incredible time and he would be ecstatic to see me again. sound wonderful doesn't it? And before the date this is exactly what I'm hoping will happen.
---- The question was 'To Pamper or not to Pamper' and why? This is obviously just an opinion but your description of these supposedly perfect guys have nothing to do with who the guy is at all. Of course there's nothing wrong with the routine of dressing up, flowers and pulling out the chair for you at dinner....but that is just a routine....anyone can do that. Maybe you are actually looking for something much more than this from a guy (I hope so) and maybe you are just caught up in this ideal, even scripted, perfect date, but down deep you know there's just more to it.
I don't mean this to be rude but again, your description of these great guys seem to me to be more about you. How they treat you and make you feel. Is that all that matters? I have no doubt you want someone who respects you, but I'm sure you want someone who respects people in general, not someone who is merely capable of displaying the appropriate behavior for your viewing pleasure.
You seem like a great gal who deserves a great guy. You have grown a lot from past relationships, etc. I guess I'm just saying...maybe you should try not to get all caught up in the fluff of dating. Some of the best guys, the most respectful, intelligent and fun loving guys probably feel some of that pampering you like feels to them a bit like they are putting on a show and not being themselves, which seems understandable to me. But, if they are left to their own devices....you might be surprised how many great, perhaps a bit conspicuous, guys are out there.
(Take this all with a huge grain of salt. I'm 35 and although I would like to, I just can't seem to shake the singles either.)
Kristine | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 2:05:37 PM | IMHO I think that you may not know exactly wht you're looking for, but you do know thate that even though these guys seem to treat you very well....they are not the one, not what you are looking for.
When you find the right one you will know it....and I can probably tell you what he is going to be like...he will be kind, and thoughtful and considerate, he will open your door and help you on with your coat....but he will not fall for you the instant he sees you (though he may be smitten with you, he will not let you know it right away), he will keep you guessing, he will keep you on your toes, he will be funny, he will tease you, he will make you laugh.
You will want to take him home and rip his clothes off....but he won't let you....at least not until he knows that you just can't stand it anymore!
You want someone that is good to you and good for you....but what you don't want is someont that is a pushover, you don't want a wimpy suck-up wussy....you want a man that will challenge your wit, your intelligence and your patience, and still be the friend, partner and lover that you will not ever be able to live without.
So don't give in until you find that right one...because you just won't be happy, and you will find yourself going through failed relationships without understanding what is missing. | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 2:25:33 PM | Ask yourself this....what would be your reaction if he did none of those things! If he made no advances whatever and just treated you like it was just OK and nothing more? You like the chase...and when you have him drooling over you...you don't want them anymore. Take a look at yourself and see if you have a fear of committment....or some other fear.... Everyone wants to be loved...and I am sure you are no different. Cheers! | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 3:40:57 PM | Sounds like you've become addicted to dating LOL, and are afraid to actually take the next steps. So he gave you a red rose ,and that's 'over the top?' What SHOULD he give you? a dead mouse? a box of rocks? Tickets to the Daytona 500? So he made a joke of a sexual nature? As long as it wasn't a whole bunch of sex jokes, ending with am invitation to come up and see his etchings, what's the big deal?
It sounds like you got hurt pretty bad in the past and maybe you just aren't as over it as you would like to be??
I will tell you that you certainly seem to be OVERTHINKING a lot of perfectly harmless and relatively normal dating behavior.
Maybe you should tell guys that express an interest in you that you think dating sucks, and suggest that you and he just get together and build a float for the next parade in your town, or play minature golf, shovel snow for sr. citizens, work on a Habitat for Humanity house, whateve that isn't the same ol' same ol' "date"...
Cindy O | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 4:23:17 PM | I decided a long time ago that when I get to the rocking chair stage, I want to look back with no regrets. What the heck love can't kill you but it'll sure make for happy memories, even the bad times will seem funny then. So go for it, whatever it is, one life is all you get.
On second thought forget the rocking chair, I want to be sassy til the very end. | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 6:33:18 PM | | That's what's so great about this site. You get to see the kind of thinking (or lack of it) that is behind puzzling behaviors and attitudes. They worry before the date, they worry all during the date, then after the date they come online and worry together about what happened on the date, whether he will call, what it meant that he stopped to tie his shoe, and so on. They enlist their mothers, sisters, daughters, friends, co-workers and advice columnists to sort out the worries. If you ask them, they act like they don't care and don't need men to be happy. I believe that, because 99% of the relationship takes place in their busy brains between dates, with other women, and men are just there to worry about whether or not and when they might place a phone call. | |
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| To Pamper or Not to Pamper.. That is my question.
Posted: 9/10/2006 6:34:25 PM | From my point of view, your age may be a big factor here. You are not mature enough
to handle any man being nice to you.
Sure, you say this is what you want, but you simply have not lived long enough to see
it my way.
I was 24 once too, and yeah I would have not been ready for someone serious at that age.
Being 38, I have lived longer and have met my share of different people from all walks
of life, and I pretty much know what type of treatment I would like.
Believe me, when you are mature enough to understand this, you won't want a roughneck,
you will truly appreciate a good, decent, nice man! It will be what you want, and then
you won't settle for less!! | |
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