| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/11/2006 10:13:15 PM | A while back I told this forum about a guy that got booted out of my Church singles group. Most of you thought that he was indeed a stalker. Now I have another story that will top that one and need your advice.
I have been a member of my Church singles group for a couple of years now. It is mostly a social group with potlucks, etc. Ages range from 35 to 60. About a year ago a guy showed up and I felt an immediate dislike for him. Something just did not seem right about him. I apparently was the only one who felt this way as the women in the group thought he was great. I guess some thought that it was sour grapes on my part as I used to be the one getting all the attention and he stole quite a bit of that from me. Anyways I continued to watch this guy who has now worked himself into a leadership role in the Church and the singles group. I still felt that there was something wrong with this person. Tonight, someone in the group who knows how I feel about this, told me to do some on-line research and see if I could turn up anything on him. I thought that was a bit much but this person was insistent. You guessed it. This guy is a registered sex offender in my state. It seems like he was involved with a one or more girls between the ages of 13 and 16. He is 36. I am not gloating over being right about this person, but unsure of what to do now, if anything. Advice would be appreciated. | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/11/2006 10:51:42 PM | | you should know what to do without asking print out the info you found on him and give it to the approperate church members that asked you to find out about the person and let them see for themsevles who the guy really is. then get your group the have a meeting and discuss what to do about the situation. Get printed proof of his background to show the church group so you don't get the sour grapes. do something before someone gets harmed. | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/11/2006 11:02:19 PM | | It is a little more complicated than that. The people in charge of the group kind of wormed there way in and have tryed to push us "old timers" out of the group. Several of us have complained to Church administration (it is a Big Church) and have basically been ignored. Obviously the info I came across would change everything. Truthfully, I am afraid that I might enjoy exposing this guy for what he is. I really try and live my faith which bids me to "Do unto others as I would have them do unto me". Something has to be said. I am just trying to figure out the best way to proceed as this might tear apart this group and other committees on which this person serves. | |
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kame
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Joined: 4/7/2006
Msg: 4 | |
| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/11/2006 11:24:02 PM | | Maybe you should go talk to the pastor of your church,seeing how the guys making his way up to a leadership roll in your church ,someone should keep an eye on him ,especally around kids.but as the other person mentioned make copys . | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/11/2006 11:29:43 PM | | First, I'd pray, pray, pray for guidance. I think if it was handled correctly it would not necessarily tear apart the group. I would definitely take what you have to whatever associate pastor is responsible for your group. I would meet with the pastor, show him the report and calmly explain your concerns. He could be observed by 2 or 3 people and if he so much as sneezes wrong, out he goes. Either quietly or pubicly exposed. His choice. If he has truly repented and changed his behaviors then he deserves support and acceptance. I know if I had children in that church I'd be furious that he was there. Once he gets firmly rooted, he may try to expand his reach to the youth groups. I know that its not up to us to judge, but I also know that sex offenders are notoriously the most difficult offender to treat. Yes, God can change our hearts, but the fact that he makes you very uncomfortable makes me wonder. Again, I'd pray for God's guidance first. | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/11/2006 11:43:12 PM | Gosh RDtoo, what an awkward position to be in. Since this person is in a leadership role, I would definitely tell your head Pastor/Elder about this man's background. I really don't like to judge others, but pedophiles chap my hide. And some one who has endangered and taken advantage of children should not be allowed to lead (please don't tell me he is a Youth Pastor, or something like that). Let the head Pastor take it from there.
Don't feel guilty because you had a gut feeling about this person. I am sure you are not overjoyed to discover the truth. Your intentiona seem just to me, and not a personal vendetta at all. If you want even furth anonymity, you could always inform your head Pastor of the situation via an anonymous letter. Good luck. | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 1:57:06 AM | RDtoo
Perhaps you can print off lots of copies and anomynously distribute them in
the church hynmnals or prayer books before worship?
Be sure to include the website addie so the report can be verified.
A mass concern will force discussion and resolution by the pastor and/or executive commitee. | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 5:35:31 AM | I find it strange that you belong to a "church group" and have not shown this information to other members? Regardless of where this "man" sits in any form of leadership role, YOU say you have the information on him. Distribute it to the other members and the Head Pastor. It needn't be done in a vindictive manner either.
Why not give it to the "young couples" with young children. This seems to the the area that I would be most concerned with. | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 6:16:58 AM | | RDToo do not feel bad that you were right about this guy. Sometimes we need to follow our 'gut'. These guys are surprisingly charming - it is what helps them get over on these kids and even adult women. Head straight for your pastor or whoever is in charge, do NOT pass GO, do NOT collect $200, just get to the man in charge. If it is a board then go to them. Bring the proof from the internet and be a hero to the children of your church! Don't do anything anonymously since you have nothing to be ashamed of. | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 7:03:34 AM | | Scripture is very clear on this. You should take the information to the individual privately, explain what you have found and ask him to step down from his position. You cannot have a person with this type of background in a position of leadership. If this does not work, you need to take a witness and confront him a second time. If he does not step down, you need to go the Church Council/Board. | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 7:11:52 AM | Thanks for the helpful advice. I have not went to anyone as of yet as I just discovered this info last night. I don't know why the person who kept urging me to research this person hasn't went forward as they obviously knew this. As for the vendetta issue, I told you earlier that I instantly sensed something not right with this person. He instantly knew that I knew something was not right. At first he seemed to be a little afraid of me as I was the only one to be standoffish to him. As he gained more acceptance he became more comfortable and would often make snide remarks at me. We have not gotten along too well.
No he is not involved with youth in any way at the Church. He is on the singles group steering committee and is also an usher in the Church. | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 7:47:45 AM |
No he is not involved with youth in any way at the Church. He is on the singles group steering committee and is also an usher in the Church.
Whether or not he is working with young people, he is in a position of leadership. Is his background proper for being in a place of leadership, in a Church? No, Paul was very clear about this. There are some things that can be forgiven and still be allowed to be in a position of Leadership. Sexual sin is not one of them. An Usher or a steering committee member is not always considered to be a position of Leadership. I would check, with someone in authority, to see how your Church views these positions.
Either way, I would have a talk with the person who urged you to do the research. If they had the same information you found, they are trying to shift the responsibility, and if they did not, they are practicing a form of gossip. That would be one person I would want to stay clear of. | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 8:26:08 AM | Write a note to the man telling him if he doesn't reveal his past, It will be revealed for him. The public right to know and be safe is most important.
You have the evidence and you can check with local authorities to verify the information. | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 3:45:28 PM | Lordy RD...are you being used? People do tend to kill the messenger and I suspect the one who asked you to check already knew. Hand them the paper and tell THEM to do the reporting. If they do not in a reasonable amount of tme.......say 24-48 hours as kids can be jeopardy here. Then do it yourself. I wish for this to be resolved in a quick and reasonable manner for you.  | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 4:53:36 PM | | Not protecting this guy or anything but if he is a registered sex offender then I presume that he has done his time in prison. Has he atoned for his sins? Where is your chrisianity? As he is registered perhaps your pastor already knows? | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 5:12:58 PM | Hi everyone,
My best girlfriend since I was 7, has just left her husband who is a Deacon in their Catholic Church. He is obsessed with pornography and apparently has been since they got married. She has asked him to stop this behavior and he would not. So she finally left him. Here's the worst part, he teaches religion to the kids there. I don't know how she is going to go about doing it, but she has to let someone in authority know this. She is "afraid" he will try to do something to one of the kids there. WE never know who is in these places of authority in the churches, but somehow they like to slip into our lives and become part of our most holy places. I'm glad that you went with your "gut" instincts and checked him out. I too have felt like that about people in the past and have steered clear of them. I hope that you are successfull in getting someone to listen.
Sincerely,
Diane | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 6:08:26 PM | | ^^^ that sounds dangerous.. Is the deacon into child pornograpy, that would make a difference as far as the children are concerned. | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 6:36:00 PM | What is most important is to be on solid ground with God. Pray about this before you take the matter into your own hands. The Lord will lead you in the right direction, and don't worry about what to say. The words will be there. This burden has been given to you as an opportunity to grow spiritually. You will be blessed with the courage to do the right thing and with peace in your heart. I am praying for you.
Jesus Bless | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 7:30:43 PM | I really try and live my faith which bids me to "Do unto others as I would have them do unto me".
When thinking about doing onto others you need to think about the other innocent members of the church who could be potential victims rather than protecting the sex offender. That is an incurable disease that the offender most likely will eventually find another victim and then how will you feel that you could have warned people so they could protect themselves.
I tell my son the rule of thumb on telling on someone is simple you keep your mouth shut UNLESS they can potentially hurt themselves or hurt someone else. Do whats right for the unsuspecting members of your church. | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 7:56:00 PM | Hi, RDtoo. You said he does not have a position where he regularly works with the youth of the church. But in ANY church, there is going to be SOME contact with you. Please hear me out. I have a BS in criminal justice, as well as an associates degree. It is not the degrees, but more the work with adult male parolees, released straight from prison into the halfway house where I worked which included sex offenders and in a mental health/substance abuse treatment agency, where all the felons were forced into treatment as part of their conditions of release that I learned so much!
When you look at the sex offender registry, it will list whether he is a "sexual oriented offender," "sexual predator," or the like. This will give a clue as to the type, and possibly the number of charges convicted on, or perhaps the number of victims. Don't just look at the sex offender registry for your area. Every state has both the county and state public access to criminal records available online. Most make you pay, but I know a way around most of that, in many states. Having worked directly one-on-one w/ sex offenders gave me alot of insight into their thought patterns, reasoning, past, motives, and exactly how they won the confidence of their victims. MOST of this went on right under the noses of other people! DO NOT ASSUME that just because he works directly with adults, that he does not have contact with children! As an usher, as a church member, as a member of a leadership group, and ESPECIALLY as a member of the "singles" group. he DOES have access with the kids! How do you know that he's not at the home of one of the single or widowed mothers, having been invited for dinner or popcorn and videos right now?? Thats how it starts-win the parents' trust, then u have free access to what u really want-the kids! Would you EVER be able to forgive yourself? Go to my profile, contact me & we can talk about how to get further info, if u like. | |
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ITV
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Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 21 | |
| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 8:05:23 PM | | I'm a bit confused here and I'm not sure why you don't know what to do about this situation... If you have the right person or even if you think its the right person, go to either a senior pastor that you trust and or a deacon and tell them your story and give them the information and website that you found this information on. Then you have done your job. There's nothing wrong with trying to protect your church and the people in it. Do not start talking all about this in the church and asking all kinds of people what to do. Maybe you have made a mistake. Its ok to make a mistake but another story to have trashed an innocent person because of mistaken identity. If your church is a big church it is likely already registered with the FBI regarding staff searches. We have that in our church and every staff and every volunteer needs to have a check done every year. Its for safety purposes for obvious reasons. There are some things you don't need to pray over to respond to. TAke care! | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 9:12:17 PM | My church has a very small congregation, and we are called to serve in one of the poorest areas in Memphis, Tennessee. We help support an after school program for the neighborhood children so they will not become victims of the drugs, burglary, rape and murder that is an everyday occurance on their streets. Everyone of us is deeply committed to carrying the message of salvation in this desperate community. We have not found it necessary to ask anyone for their green card nor have we found a need to run a criminal background check to help anyone come to know Jesus.
Together, as a congregation, and individually, we pray alot-about everything. It works for us.
After the woman, taken in adultry, was spared from the stoning, Jesus said: "I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life." John 8:12. | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 10:02:00 PM | It is not that I do not know what to do about the situation, it is in trying to find the best way to proceed that I posted this here.
I did have a talk with the person who urged me to research this. This may explain why he didn't act on it himself. He is pretty sure that the powers that be in the Church already know about this guys past and choose to ignore it unless (until?) it becomes a problem. Pretty sad huh? It is a political thing. This is one of those user friendly type Churches. They focus more on Church growth than actually preaching the Bible. So if you do not rock the boat so to speak, you are not a problem. (Yes, I am questioning what I am doing at such a Church). I think my informant just wanted someone else to share his burden of knowing this info. At this point, I am planning on asking one of the Pastors why this person is ushering and on the committee of the singles group. Oh yes, he is currently teaching a Bible study as well. The study is on, and I am not making this up, sexual temptation.
Hotpurple, I cannot contact you because you have listed "Must not smoke". I am a smoker. Contact me if you wish and I appreciate your offer to help.
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 10:13:58 PM |
I did have a talk with the person who urged me to research this. This may explain why he didn't act on it himself. He is pretty sure that the powers that be in the Church already know about this guys past and choose to ignore it unless (until?) it becomes a problem. Pretty sad huh? It is a political thing. This is one of those user friendly type Churches. They focus more on Church growth than actually preaching the Bible. So if you do not rock the boat so to speak, you are not a problem. (Yes, I am questioning what I am doing at such a Church). I think my informant just wanted someone else to share his burden of knowing this info. At this point, I am planning on asking one of the Pastors why this person is ushering and on the committee of the singles group. Oh yes, he is currently teaching a Bible study as well. The study is on, and I am not making this up, sexual temptation
I am not religious but I have to wonder what you mean by the church not preaching the bible? Seems to me that you are not preaching it either.
What happened to love and forgiveness etc?
And it seems to me that this person can talk about sexual temtation from a firsthand point of view. | |
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| More trouble in the Church Singles Group
Posted: 9/12/2006 10:28:00 PM | | Riverlady, I do believe in love and forgiveness and I think many can truly repent and be reformed. I listened to convicted killer Karla Faye O'Malley before she was executed and believe she was a different person than the one who committed the crime 20 years prior. Then Texas Governor George W. Bush didn't think so. He mocked her pleas for mercy on a radio show before he told them to fry her. But that's another story. The man I am talking about may well be reformed. Maybe he was falsely accused. What I do know is that I have seen him be very touchy with women at the singles gatherings. I have seen him playing computer games at a womans house with her 11 year old daughter. I hope he is reformed but I think my concern speaks for itself. | |
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