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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 9/12/2006 3:03:07 PM | | Hey all, My name is Dave. I understand that while new in recovery it really isnt advised. However, when the point does come when you want the company of another, and not feel that you NEED someone to fill some emptiness. Where can you turn? I am in recovery, I have no issue with my being honest about that, in fact, That recovery is the most important thing in my life. Without it, I have a mere shadow of myself to offer, anyone. And anyone in recovery will feel the same way. So, I figured I would post this, maybe get some feed back. I was very surprised to see very little about this subject already, considering there are millions of people like myself across the nation. Thanx for letting me share, I am Dave, and I am an addict | |
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 9/12/2006 3:09:47 PM | I would think that a man honest enough to address his problems will attract a good woman. I'm not sure if there is a formula for you man, we're all inviduals whatever vices from our past we share. Great luck to you my friend! | |
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 9/12/2006 7:04:53 PM | Well they say when you make love to her don't say I love you for a year but I always seem to screw that up.... | |
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 10/17/2006 5:34:56 PM | Well the last gal I almost dated in the program wanted to lied to, to control everything, except herself, and insisted she felt nothing for me but wanted to abuse me as much as she could. And wanted sex as much as possible.
I took the stand that I would not beat around the issues at hand, not try and fix her, and be up front and as honest as I can be with everything that affects my life. And if that was to much for her to handle she should go find another hostage instead of wanting me to play those games with her.
She did, she picked up a guy that wants to be abusive and be abused.
One old timer in this area swears to not get involved with gals in the program, ever.
But he picked up a newcomer, and married her and was with her for nearly 20+yrs. Go figure.
There is no real stance on dating in recovery.
Truth is if you work on yourself as much as you can I the first year, you will go through as many changes as a woman pregnant coming to term, Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Being in a relationship or dating another person who has the only best goal of improving his/her life to be the best they can and being on this road with someone who can be “present” can be a wonderful thing, as well a challenging thing.
Anyone who comes from a place who “Tells” anyone else what to do is coming from a place of control and manipulation and disrespecting themselves and others.
Perhaps advising others of your personal experience, what you have seen, done, and accomplished would be better than ordering people or attacking their character would be better served as an example of how to live, rather than how to dictate.
Marc G 1992 | |
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 10/18/2006 8:44:05 AM | I feel for you Dave.
Dating in your situation can be tough, because alcohol/substance abuse is so prevelant in our society today, that many people consider it an integreal part of dating/socialising.
Wile I'm not a person in recovery, I rarely drink these days, and I'd prefer social activities that don't include "going for drinks".
It can be tough to find people, who'd be interested in activities, events or social settings if there isn't going to be a few drinks involved.
My advice to you is:
Just be honest with prospective dates.
The woman who is right for you, will understand. She may even be helpful.
If she's unable, (or unwilling) to respect and understand your situation, she's not the right woman for you anyways. | |
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yna6
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Joined: 5/2/2004
Msg: 6 | |
| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 10/18/2006 9:09:10 AM | | 13th stepping can be a tough one....but remember..you have to like yourself first before being able to love someone else. If you don't like what you are...others won't either. | |
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 10/18/2006 11:40:00 AM | .
Ah baloney! My most favorite little woman friend was a hell-raising drunk for many, many years and was probably professionally “dried-out” at least ten times, not counting hospital stays. But, I never knew her then. I knew her after she was sober, as someone I would trust with anything, anytime, because her word was always perfectly good.
Better than that, I’ve sent friends with a drinking problem to her because she and her husband ran a large AA meeting for 26 years.
Yeah . . . when she died recently, she had not had a drink for about 30 years. Neither has her husband, who is also my friend. Actually, the day after she died, he told me, “I need a meeting.” So, I drove him to an AA meeting and stayed there with him.
They, and others I know, are living proof that an alcoholic can maintain sobriety and function normally when they have the willpower (and friendly support group) to do so. As she used to tell others, “alcoholism is both a psychological and physical disease. But it is the only disease that can be cured by the patient simply by not drinking.” As a research physiologist, I know that to be true.
She was a very smart, devilish little thing, always with that glean in her eye and a little smile, like maybe she had pulled some type of trick and was waiting for the results. When we had some time alone in the hospital during her chemo (and she knew she didn’t have long), she was sitting up cross-legged in bed and still had a very pleasant and excellent attitude. What she said struck a cord with me that I will never forget: “I wish this disease could be cured just by going to a couple meetings a week. I’d go every damn day, if that would work!”
Her husband took her home two days later and she died the next morning. Her nice e-mail to me the evening she arrived home is still on my computer, and will stay there.
Her husband also was a hell-raising alcoholic years ago. But, as much as those two loved each other, he has not taken a drink yet.
And that is the story. Once an alcoholic regains control of their mind and will, and realizes that booze is something they may not ever have again, they probably will not revert back to being stupid -- and then they will probably live life with all the pros and cons of everyone else living life sober.
Okay, in truth, I wanted to drink when she died. I am not an alcoholic, but can sometimes drink. But, I did not. That’s simply because I respected her too much and knew damn well what she would think if I used her death as an excuse to get blotto, she would be very pissed.
And so, what’s your deal? Can you make twenty-some years without alcohol? Is that in you? If you can, then just do it! Yeah, go to meetings. But, don’t wear an “I’m an alcoholic” sign on your sleeve outside the meetings. After all, you wouldn’t be broadcasting that you were under treatment for any other disease to everyone you meet, so why this? Make not drinking your personal preference and leave it there. And then, keep your word to yourself!
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 10/18/2006 3:25:15 PM | db you better read your DSM4tr and look at the DSM5 a little closer you missed a few points it is not a matter of just stoping. as a psychologist i asume you actually have some education on teh subject?
what are the 5 things that happen in relation to finding the cure/treatment for alcoholism? | |
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 10/18/2006 3:30:08 PM | db you better read your DSM4tr and look at the DSM5 a little closer you missed a few points it is not a matter of just stoping. as a psychologist i asume you actually have some education on teh subject?
what are the 5 things that happen in relation to finding the cure/treatment for alcoholism? | |
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 10/18/2006 5:22:51 PM | .
db you better read your DSM4tr and look at the DSM5 a little closer you missed a few points it is not a matter of just stoping. as a psychologist i asume you actually have some education on teh subject?
Why? I don’t need a book to tell me what I already know well. Fact is, psychology, by itself, has very little to offer an alcoholic. The best published results are just 10%, and those are usually only temporary. I’m sorry, but I know failure when I see it. That’s why I was dedicated to research rather than practicing.
So far, the best treatment plan (if results count) was that program devised decades ago by Professor Roger Williams. Prof. Williams, of course, won the Nobel Prize twice in related matters, so I think he can be classed as an expert. When the VA Hospitals used his program, their success rate at curing alcoholism exceeded 50%. Years later, psychobabble experts took over and changed the program greatly and their success rate is again below 20%.
As far as the DSM listings go, I suggest you concentrate a bit on the new section “Personality Change Due to a General Medical Condition.” As a research physiologist (not a practicing psychologist), I sort of have a little insight on how that works and hope they expand on that greatly in future editions. Because, as Prof. Williams pointed out years ago, proper treatment must include a healthy dose of diet and exercise, along with the support of the camaraderie found at the AA meetings. Once that is in progress, then psychology can be used to work out ancillary problems specific to that person.
Meanwhile . . . would I date an alcoholic? Sure! As long as she was not drinking anymore.
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 10/18/2006 7:19:49 PM | getting back to the original poster's question.
i dated an alcoholic...he was not up front about it at first...which is why i got involved in the first place...i cared about him and when he told mek, i felt i could not walk away...which in hindsight is exactly what i should have done...would have saved me a lot of heartache and ill feelings between us...he lied a lot, he cheated, and would excuse himself by saying it's the alcohol...true he was a nice guy when not drinking which he never did around me...but fact is he was a total jacka** when he was drinking...he had tried to go into recovery at different times, and he told me that they tell you to avoid relationships during your first year of recovery....
supposedly he stopped drinking when he got married to his ex wife...but when he suspected her of cheating and she asked for a divorce, he began again...and it got steadily worse...he had an abuse charge for pushing her, a dui charge and supposedly ''quit'' his job, although it came after him spending a night in jail for the dui....everytime he got upset about his ex wife, he'd drink, and he would become belligerent about her...and do crazy things...and she knew how to push his buttons
obviously he is one who cannot maintain any kind of relationship and go into recovery....it is one of his stress factors that caused him to drink heavily....maybe it depends on the person, but i think to work the program right, perhaps you need to follow all the rules they give u... | |
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 9/8/2007 9:51:44 AM | | I've gotten to the point that sobriety is pretty much a prerequisite for me to date someone. The others just don't cut the mustard. Too boring, unaware, unspiritual, whatever. My sobriety date is Aug 1, 1984. I still go to meetings and still talk recovery. Heck, I even still work in a similar field. Best way of life I ever saw and saved my bacon! | |
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 9/8/2007 2:04:21 PM | Ive dated quite a bit since ive been sober. (02/20/01). While its not a pre-requisite for them not to drink, usually the true colors will come out within the first month. Do I care if the lady im dating drinks? No. I do care if they abuse it though. Ive seen some of these woman who proclaimed to be "social drinkers" get falling down drunk to many times to suit me. So, with that, I usually walk away.
And, im not angy at all with them if they want to drink like this, as ive learned that its on them, not me. Which is a big thing A.A. has taught me over the years. I no longer cast judgement and act out on it if things dont go my way. After all, it was my way that got me here! | |
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 10/27/2007 7:47:51 AM | Most of the time, you're right about a person's true colors coming out within the first month. Sometimes it takes me longer and I get more invested in the relationship to the point it really hurts me to lose a "friend" who is not good for me. It took me almost 2 years to figure out one fellow, since I only saw him occasionally and the rest of the time, we talked on the phone or computer. I still haven't seen him drinking, but I have found out there were some lies he told that were very important. Plus, I always notice things like complaining about not having enough money to pay bills but having a stash of alcohol. It seems "social" drinker can cover a wide degree of use and abuse.  | |
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 12/28/2008 6:21:10 PM | As someone in early recovery, I have heard the drill about not getting involved in early recovery. I tend to disagree though. As an addict I spent so much time isolating and lonely, that now I want to share myself with others. I think it's important though to not get involved with an addict, or someone also in early recovery, as to not hinder the recovery process, and allow the recovering addict to work his/her program. I went to treatment in Ottawa, ON (Canada) and found that the bonds I shared with other recovering addicts was very strong, and it was easy to fool myself into thinking this was 'the real thing' when in reality, as you learn in NA, a(n) (recovering) addict can best understand another (recovering) addict. Love will come when it comes, and I for one do not want to lose out on an opportunity should one arise in early recovery.
I am Nancy, and I am an addict!
Thanks! | |
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 12/28/2008 7:03:42 PM | I personally find it difficult being ‘present’ and taking men seriously here for fear of some addiction they might have not knowing the community he comes from. So much has changed with people becoming transient with history left to trust.
OP I come from a community where there was abuse of alcohol as well as people abused as a result of alcohol. It is most difficult to date someone here or meet someone from the net and come to ‘fall in love’ only to find the end result a break up as a result of his abuse of alcohol. The question of the pain and would I do it again is something I don’t struggle with; I don’t want a partner that fights his demons at this time of my life.
Could be I need to be in al-a-non (lol).
I think if you are set on the road to sobriety let it be your goal. Be still and become aware of the excuses you have used in the past to take that drink. Know yourself and most of all having integrity is the best gift you can give yourself. I think the biggest struggle people have is acquiring new coping skills to deal with the demons.
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 1/1/2009 10:45:27 PM | OP- Good for you. I wish you the very best. I've met some long- recovered addicts who have some brilliant gifts to share. (humility, perspective, humour, wisdom to name a few)
My concerns would be around building/seeking new intimacy when you are in a bit of a fragile state. If you connect with the right people, you may find good, healthy supports and an environment which will help you to maintain the sobriety you are working for. However... reading the forums might give you a clue that there are more than a few tiddleywinks out here who aren't exactly healthy relationship role models.
That said- it is your world and your life to live. If you are playing honestly then things should work out.
Good luck to you. | |
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 1/1/2009 11:27:03 PM | | OP Kudos to you! Get through your 12 steps first... and then when you're ready to get out there, be upfront and honest and find someone who totally supports you for your decision to be sober and is willing to not hit the bars or whatever. They are out there.. it's just a matter of finding them. Good luck to you! | |
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 1/2/2009 3:03:22 AM | Hi enfield,
Being a recovering addict myself. I empathize. And the lonliness can be really brutal, after it's all done, especially if your addiction was wrapped up with your SO at the time. I know from firsthand experience. I've been clean for about 5 years.
Congratulations on your choice to change.
People don't want to talk about it. No one wants to air out their dirty laundry. Especially not a dating site. | |
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 1/19/2009 6:25:20 PM | I think there's wisdom behind the very common suggestion to not get into a new relationship the first 12 months of sobriety. I tell women new in recovery, "Get a plant. If the plant lives 6 months, then you can get a dog. If the dog lives 6 month, THEN you can have a relationship."
Seriously, it takes all we have to build a healthy relationship with ourself that first year. Some of us have low self esteem. Some of us have too MUCH self-esteem (of the unhealthy, self-centered kind). Many of us have to figure out we're not the center of the universe and we have to learn what a healthy relationship LOOKS like. Anything that makes us feel good we can get addictive about and we tend to take hostages rather than "lovers" and we tend to fall for the "instant relationship" fix, expecting someone to MAKE us healthy, whole, happy, etc.
And "thirteenth-stepping" (aka "recovery by insertion") is very common in 12-step groups. Predatory men AND women find people who are new in recovery, who desperately want to be rescued, a magic "fix", and "love" to them is an addiction as much as any chemical ever was. (If it feels good, we can get hooked.)
So, these newcomers are vulnerable and ripe for the exploiting and these predators will promise safety, protection, help, and "love", then, first thing you know, they are providing some chemical in exchange for physical favors.
If we want to be healthy, whole, and happily sober, we have to figure out how to cultivate that spectrum of CHARACTERistics that enable us to stay sober, happy and healthy, and the same kind of addictive approach to relationship is a detour from this process in the first few months of sobriety for a whole lot of us. | |
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| Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 1/19/2009 9:34:50 PM | Dave...what is more important than having a relationship is having a healthy relationship. I've been involved with people in recovery before and to be quite honest, I would be quite hesitant to date anyone in recovery...be their friend absolutely but that is as far as I could take it until I really knew them. There are so many people who are clean/sober and have been for years but they are only abstaining from using/drinking...they aren't healthy people. They put up one hell of a good front but over time the cracks in the false face begin to show.
I think it is great that you are honest about your recovery status and I applaude your choice to get clean/sober. It is good that you can identify there is a difference between wanting and needing someone to fill some emptiness.
I'm also an adult child of an alcholic so I have strong co-dependent tendencies. I try to avoid anyone I think needs fixing...lol...because the urge to take care of them is strong and incredibly unhealthy for me. | |
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