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 P0ckets
Joined: 9/5/2006
Msg: 1
When friends overstep their boundariesPage 1 of 1    
Hey girls, (and guys too if you feel like it), I've got a small dilemma. I joined this site primarily in search of friends, and during the short time I’ve been here I’ve had several people take me up on the offer to varying degrees. One gentleman in particular has taken an interest, and we have already met once to see if we can get along in person or not. It is already a lopsided acquaintanceship in that he seems much more interested than I feel. Let me restate here, I have made it veeerrry clear that I want nothing more than friendship. Within our first week he seems to think we must talk every night, continually brings up the topic of sex, and has stated very bluntly several times that he is attracted to me. There have been a few times that he has overstepped the boundaries of what I would consider appropriate, and I have told him so, but it keeps happening.

My question is this. I don’t want to lead him on or play head games. I would like to continue to foster a friendship with him. Do you think there is any way to accomplish both these things in this situation?
 Tbird_Classic
Joined: 9/9/2006
Msg: 2
When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/17/2006 6:51:09 PM
Firmly but gently nudge him back over the acceptable line you have formed.A true friend will respect the boundaries without question.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 3
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When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/17/2006 6:57:08 PM
If it keeps happening, he's disrespectful and most likely trying to push the more than friends agenda. I personally have NO patience for this, if you want to try to persue a friendship, go ahead. I'd have blocked him and told him to bugger off if it happened more than twice.
 thatusername....
Joined: 6/12/2006
Msg: 4
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When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/17/2006 6:58:27 PM
A friend would only need to be told once that they have crossed the line and would respect that. Repeatedly crossing the line tells me there is a lack of respect on his part and he's after one thing.
 Discofied
Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 5
When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/17/2006 7:00:52 PM
You've told him...he didn't listen...you told him again...he continues...you repeat yourself, again...

Do you see the pattern???? And what friendship??? He doesn't want to be your friend. He wants sex! He thinks he can wear you down until you will eventually consent. Why are you accepting such disrespectful behaviour?

STOP talking to him...don't answer his phone calls...end the conversation the minute he oversteps the boundaries. If you don't do this, he will never, and I mean never, believe that you are serious.
 flsoldier
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 6
When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/17/2006 7:00:54 PM
Tell him in no uncertain terms, nothing more than friendship will happen.
If he continues?
Ditch him.

Also, you're on a dating site. Remember that.
Even though you say you're looking for friends (Which I'm sure you are) most people on here are not.
Most guys trying to contact you will probably initially say they want friendship too, to get you to talk to them, then try for something more.
That is why they are here.

$0.02

Colin
 tree.hugger.chick
Joined: 7/19/2006
Msg: 7
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When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/17/2006 7:10:52 PM
Continue to foster WHAT friendship? Just stop talking to him, as he's not going to change any. It sounds as if you've been as clear as possible about what you're looking for, and if he can't respect that then he isn't deserving of your friendship or your time anyway.
 bikerbabii
Joined: 8/5/2006
Msg: 8
When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/17/2006 7:12:43 PM
Why do you want to continue to foster a relationship with this man? He's obviously not respectful or sensitive to your wishes. Is that the kind of friend you want?
 Ms Taken
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 9
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When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/17/2006 7:57:27 PM
I think I can understand what you mean when you say you'd like to continue to build a friendship, because I've been in that position myself a few times. What I've learned the hard way from those times is that it just won't work. There is a certain type of person (and there seems to be quite a few of them around) who won't listen to what you're saying when you tell them to back off. In the worst cases I honestly think they have some way of tuning it out by convincing themselves that you don't really mean it.

If you've been firm with him and he isn't listening, the only thing you can do is cut all contact, and even that probably won't work immediately. He'll likely keep trying to get you to talk to him, but if he's the deluded type there is no way to make things better by staying in contact. He can't be reasoned with. Responding in any way, even if it's in a nasty way, will only make him think he has a chance at bringing you around.

The fact that he became attached so quickly is a BIG red flag, so you might want to watch for that in the future.

Also, you're on a dating site. Remember that.
Even though you say you're looking for friends (Which I'm sure you are) most people on here are not.

And this bears repeating, because a lot of the people you meet here will not believe that anyone would join a dating site unless they were looking for more than friends.
 P0ckets
Joined: 9/5/2006
Msg: 10
When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/17/2006 8:17:26 PM
Thank you all for your advice thus far. It has helped me make a few decisions. I do feel that i have been a little unfair to the man in question, since everyone has gotten the impression that he isn't worth my time of day. I would like to clutivate a friendship for two reasons. The important one is that he does seem like a nice and interesting person whose company i could enjoy (aside from a few issues regarding intimacy). The less important reason is that i am new to town and want to make a few friends, so i'm trying not to throw potential friendships away casually.

Thanks again for everyone's input.
 ITV
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 11
When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/17/2006 8:21:06 PM
Pockets I don't think you realize it but you are sending him mixed messages by allowing him to cross the boundries that you set with him. I think the feeling in here is pretty unanomous. If he doesn't respect your boundries now its not going to ever get better. He is a boundry pusher. And maybe the fact that you don't stand up to him says that you're not sure what you want either. But even still if you allow him to run over your boundries you will never have his respect and you aren't respecting yourself. Don't give in because he sweet talks you. Hold your ground and don't be pushed around. I think you can do better.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 12
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When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/17/2006 8:31:13 PM
pockets New to town or not..."Within our first week he seems to think we must talk every night, continually brings up the topic of sex, and has stated very bluntly several times that he is attracted to me." By your own admission you want friendship only and he's crossed YOUR bondaries numerous times. Frienship with this man, if by some strange reason you would want to pursue it will mean you will be continually fending off his sexual advances, online, in person.
I SO hate to say this and hope you've never met, but this has date rape written all over it. And if it happens, it will damage you to the extent it will take years to recover from.
He has a different agenda and he's pushing it. Why you can't see that when everyone who's posted has said the same thing. I just don't understand that. And date rape does happen!! If you think it doesn't I only hope and pray for your sake you're not a victim.
 Ms Taken
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 13
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When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/17/2006 8:52:35 PM
I do feel that i have been a little unfair to the man in question, since everyone has gotten the impression that he isn't worth my time of day.

Are you saying that you didn't mean these things, or were exagerrating, when you said them:

Within our first week he seems to think we must talk every night, continually brings up the topic of sex, and has stated very bluntly several times that he is attracted to me. There have been a few times that he has overstepped the boundaries of what I would consider appropriate, and I have told him so, but it keeps happening.

Because if what you said there is how you really feel, there is a problem. Don't continue to hang around with him just because you're in a new place and maybe feeling a little lonely.

I'm sorry if I sound alarmist, but I've been where you say you are, and I know how bad it can turn out. You felt uncomfortable enough about him to ask a bunch of strangers for advice, which means your alarm bells are probably already ringing. Don't ignore them.

If you really feel you want to keep in contact with him, dial it back for a while. Hopefully he doesn't yet know where you live or work. Don't tell him until you are absolutely sure he can have some respect for the way you feel.
 QGorgo
Joined: 9/1/2006
Msg: 14
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When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/18/2006 12:25:49 AM
If he is overstepping boundaries he is NOT a friend. You may be looking at it as friendship but he is not. There is no respect for you on his part and let me tell you from personal experience, it does not matter how many times you TELL them, if they want it to happen and have no respect for you they do not stop. It keeps happening, and you have stated that it has. This is all about HIM not you and that is dangerous because you are a means to an end. I hope you go back and pay attention to all the posts OP...this could turn dangerous for you. And at the least, it is making you assume that someone that is this disrespectful is a friend? This is not good.

Good luck op...I hope, for your sake, you cut ties with him.
 leo_goddess
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 15
When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/18/2006 12:45:02 AM
If you feel in your heart you're being clear and it keeps happening then it's time to cut ties.

i've been here... such "friendships" have lead to stalking on a few occations until I reformed my approach to such type of people... my guy friends don't act like this new friend of yours...
 crystalise
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 16
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When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/18/2006 1:12:33 AM
Tell him talking about sex makes you uncomfortable. If he persists then give up on the idea of a friendship because hes not listening to you and friendship is not what he is interested in.
 ubkobalt
Joined: 5/7/2006
Msg: 17
When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/18/2006 1:16:34 AM
Also, you're on a dating site. Remember that.
Even though you say you're looking for friends (Which I'm sure you are) most people on here are not.
Most guys trying to contact you will probably initially say they want friendship too, to get you to talk to them, then try for something more.
That is why they are here.


Lots of women also play by the "friends first" rule as well. I find it annoying, but I can be cool with that. I can be patient.....so......are we done being friends yet?

Anyway, you made your intentions clear. But, maybe this is the thing he talks about with female friends? I'll bring up the topic of sex and tell a friend that they're attractive. It may or may not be a freindly gesture.
 bubbynutz
Joined: 5/12/2006
Msg: 18
When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/18/2006 2:34:27 AM
You set your boundaries. You made yourself clear. Apparently he's not respecting them. You can bet money he will keep on not respecting them. He may even get worse.

Personally, he doesn't sound like a very good friend to me.
 skyjumpinghoney
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 19
When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/7/2007 5:41:29 PM
it seems kinda weird that he is pursuing you so much already and keeps up the sex talk. that to me is a red flag and it can not be ignored. if you have told him where the boundaries lie and he keeps ignoring that he has issues with showing you the respect you deserve. I'd rather have fewer true friends than a buttload that are eager to overstep those boundaries.

in my experience it's harder to cut the cord with male friends or bf's after they over step the boundaries than it is with women. just keep in mind if you give an inch he'll want to take a foot. if you can firmly establish those boundaries and he recognizes and respects them then he is a friend worth having otherwise you will always uncomfortable and edgy around this guy and probably not be able to trust him so much.
 Discofied
Joined: 8/31/2007
Msg: 20
When friends overstep their boundaries
Posted: 9/7/2007 6:14:27 PM
He doesn't believe you mean it about just being friends and her certainly isn't interested in being your friend. You are giving him mixed signals. Some men believe it's acceptable behaviour and he thinks he will wear you down eventually. Your actions have to match your words. If he says something that offends you, end the conversation immediately. Also, don't spend a lot of time on the phone with him. Either you don't pick up or you tell him you can't talk and will call him back; and call a few days later. He'll get the message one way or another.
However, I wonder why you want to stay in contact with someone who clearly doesn't respect you.
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