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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Girl  > How can I stay out of the friend zone?      Home login  
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 MDNinja
Joined: 1/9/2005
Msg: 1
How can I stay out of the friend zone?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I know that getting out of the friend zone is impossible, so how can I not end up there in the first place. A friend of mine (a woman) said I have to build sexual tension nearly right away. I have no qualms about being friends. But from what I've noticed, there are friends and there are "friends." One is great, and the other is not so great if you are attracted to the person. I, and many others call it the friend zone. It's a cold and dreary place that I am all to familiar with. I have the basic map and compass to avoid the friend zone, but the more detailed the map, advancced the compass, the better it is for everyone I am embarking on a new adventure with.

So, how can I stay out of the friend zone???
 tempest766
Joined: 9/23/2006
Msg: 2
How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 9/30/2006 7:19:24 PM

So, how can I stay out of the friend zone???


This is an EXCELLENT question that I'd love the gals to answer. Problem is, I'm not sure they'd know how to honestly answer it. My experience has been that too often, what women want and what they tell you they want aren't the same thing. Maybe that's part of the attraction: not being able to figure them out.

I do know from personal experience that a big part of staying out of the "just friends" zone involves not letting them think you are at their beck-and-call. Then they don't respect you and if they don't respect you then you don't stand a chance. Of course being assertive and authoritative is a fine juggling act. Go too far and you come across as unfeeling and cold.
 angelab
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 3
How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 9/30/2006 7:27:17 PM
If you like a woman, ask her out.

Don't become her best buddy in hopes that she'll come around and fall for you.

It's easy.
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 4
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How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 9/30/2006 7:33:23 PM
well all I can say is that I know pretty well right away if a guy is going into the friends zone or not. I dont know if there is something that they could do to change that. I agree with the dont become a buddy because that will kill any option.
 2cute4you
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 5
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How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 9/30/2006 7:36:33 PM
So, how can I stay out of the friend zone???


I do not think you have control over this.

My personal experience is that when I first meet someone I know if there is a physical attraction or not. I believe that guys are the same way. Is this a bit shallow??? Maybe....but I think you need that physical attraction right away and if you try to force it......it will not work out in the end.

JMO -
 tempest766
Joined: 9/23/2006
Msg: 6
How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 9/30/2006 7:57:06 PM


My personal experience is that when I first meet someone I know if there is a physical attraction or not. I believe that guys are the same way. Is this a bit shallow??? Maybe....but I think you need that physical attraction right away and if you try to force it......it will not work out in the end.


I understand and respect your thoughts on this...No, it's not shallow because I'm the same way. If I'm not attracted then it probably won't change. The thing is: at least with guys, we don't want to be "just friends" with gals who we are attracted to and who don't reciprocate. Let the guy know in no uncertain terms that he doesn't stand a chance. It's the mature thing to do.
 SHY_GAL40
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 7
How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 9/30/2006 8:58:13 PM
Secret for ya women know usually in the first five minutes where you are going or not going.

at least I do, mannerisms, looks, behavior, body language we can tell, ok maybe not the first

five minutes but not far behind.
 2cute4you
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 8
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How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 9/30/2006 9:32:48 PM
^^^^^^could not have said it better myself!!!!!!


The thing is: at least with guys, we don't want to be "just friends" with gals who we are attracted to and who don't reciprocate. Let the guy know in no uncertain terms that he doesn't stand a chance. It's the mature thing to do.


I tell guys right away if they are interested in me for more than friends if I do not feel the same way towards them. Some of them choose to stay in touch with me. Why?????? I do not know, I am guessing that they think with time our friendship will develope into deeper feelings but that is not the way it goes for me. We either have IT or we do not. JMO
 Beancounter Chick
Joined: 9/2/2006
Msg: 9
How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 9/30/2006 9:43:21 PM
I have the same problem as the OP, I'm left in the "friends zone" more often than not. I view it as a good thing as those male friends (or females for guys) have friends and that increases my odds of meeting someone. Besides, you can never have too many friends.

For chicks, guy friends are great when you move and need something fixed or when you just need a guy's perspective on things. For guys, having chick friends are good for advice on chick stuff.

Really, it's all good.
 WiseOne8472
Joined: 9/17/2006
Msg: 10
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How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 9/30/2006 11:18:35 PM
In order to stay out of the 'friend zone' you have to let your intentions be known. Let the person you are interested in know you are interested in them by holding their hand, touching their back, etc etc. They'll get the idea, and if they are not interested in you, they'll let you know. There is a greater chance of getting hurt, but at least you'll not kick yourself in the butt for not trying.
 Echo139
Joined: 1/14/2006
Msg: 11
How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 9/30/2006 11:26:58 PM
1. Do not under *any* circumstances allow the object of your affection cry to you - about anything, especially guy trouble. No women is *ever* going to talk to a guy she's attracted to/interested in about how much she loves/hates/is heart broken about how Billy Bob Son of a **** hurt her feelings.

2. Don't do every little thing she asks. If she calls you at 3am and wants to, I don't know... bake cookies or some else totally mundane, tell her to **** off, you're sleeping. Whatever you do, DO NOT make those cookies!


But seriously, that's an impossible question to answer. Everyone has their own reason for why they put someone in the 'friend zone'. For the most part, I'd say people have no idea why they are attracted to the things they're attracted to... you just *are*. It's not something that can be learned or unlearned, sidestepped or tricked. Acting a certain way with one girl may put you in the friend zone, so you act a different way with another and end up making her think *she's* in the friend zone, and so on and so on... etc... etc...

If you like someone, just tell them. If they like you back *score*, if not... well, you can still be friends. I mean, you liked them for a reason right?

Of course, that’s just my opinion.
 GhostDancer
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 12
How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 10/1/2006 10:01:28 AM
Good question, OP. And I don't have an answer. It's always just been a feeling I've had once I meet someone whether or not they'd be "boyfriend" material or just a friend. But once you're there, it's best not to think you'll change a woman's mind. It can get really annoying really quick if she's told you that you're a friend, always will be a friend and you think you can persuade her otherwise.
 gwavaman
Joined: 8/22/2006
Msg: 13
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How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 10/1/2006 12:20:31 PM
hey guys,
If you've already F$"£cked up and you're in the 'lets just be friends' 'I have a BF(bore fiend, hehe)' 'I don't like you in that way' ...

If you want to know how to move from friends in into lovers... there is a recipe!

Hw do you know if she’s only saying that she’s got a BF just to make herself more attractive, or even possibly challenging you to become more attractive?

Her recipe for falling in love, begins with effective questions and tonality, questions such as:

How do you know when you like a guy and really want to get to know this person better?

How do you know when you're falling for someone you’ve known for a long time?

What feeling do you get on the inside that lets you know, you're interested in a guy?

Get the picture!
Listen to the woman!
Listen to the woman!
Listen to the woman!

And learn her recipe for falling in love,
ask the right question and you will receive the right answer,
ask crap and you’ll get crap!

Then, either become that recipe or move on!

Becoming the recipe: There are some psycho women(and men) out there that only feel love when insulted or beaten, those I'm not willing to pursue! - Your choice!

Enjoy yourself too, if you’re not enjoying the process and learning from the woman you’re talking to, then you’re not going to be successful!
 MDNinja
Joined: 1/9/2005
Msg: 14
How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 10/1/2006 8:56:26 PM
That is great and all but I am looking for pre-emptive measures. To many single mates out there for me to waste my time trying to friend my way into a relationship. You do bring up some good points though.
 Metaphysicalman
Joined: 7/5/2006
Msg: 15
How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 10/1/2006 9:41:53 PM
That's a tough one! Pre-emptive!

Come up with some really tough, no-nonsense line.

Something like Harry Calahan (aka Dirty Harry) might use,

about the friend bullshit!
 MDNinja
Joined: 1/9/2005
Msg: 16
How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 10/1/2006 9:53:48 PM
Are you saying I should go up to a woman and squint while saying "Do you feel lucky? Punk."
 saltytowers
Joined: 8/15/2006
Msg: 17
How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 10/2/2006 1:00:34 AM
Theres a barrier
Its called TOUCH
I dont mean touching her up or you'll be outta there in 5 seconds

Firstly: date - ask her out to dinner, go for a walk afterwards
hint: cross a busy road, take her arm or hand and bolt
Let go on the other side
if she takes your hand or arm
or accidentally brushes your hand
or puts her hand on your shoulder

barrier is broken
proceed with prospective relationship

Being non touchy stay on your side of the table friends gets to BE that way after a while
And stay that way

The old hold the hand thing is the way to go buddy
But hold it for a little while for a reason (or take her by the arm how ladies still like) and then let go

She'll be the one to try and let it happen again when shes ready

good luck :)
 Calibre
Joined: 9/24/2006
Msg: 18
How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 10/2/2006 2:13:49 AM
Be different in an attractive way. Find out the type of women you like, where they hang out, and don't be afraid to approach them and be playful.

For example, an attractive girl has a large purse, you can walk up to her and say: "Nice suitcase" with a slight playful grin on your face and a serious tone.

If she engages in playful conversation back at you, chat her up a bit, and ask for her e-mail/phone number. If she doesn't, oh well.

The key is to be different in an attractive way! This is key! Women are sick of men going up to them and saying stuff like "Can I buy you a drink?", "Wanna dance?"..etc. Act like this and you're just setting yourself up to look like everyone else out there.
 kmhstx
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 19
How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 10/2/2006 3:53:24 AM
I think the thing is if you are interested in her in a romantic way....ask her out like Angelab said. How are we supposed to know you are interested? Seriously once you bypass the hole asking someone out thing....and just start a friendship with them, they think this is a nice guy, he wants to be friends cool! They often have no clue that you have any interest beyond friendship.
 FieryRedhead85
Joined: 6/19/2006
Msg: 20
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How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 10/2/2006 6:08:16 AM
Well I don't know about other women, but for me I think there really is no way for a guy to do anything about this. I can usually tell right away whether a guy is going to be in the friend zone or if he's someone I would want to pursue. There's no real way in controlling it I think. It's really just about that connection you make with someone from the start... If that's not there then you are doomed to the friend zone... Sorry...
 Leaving POF
Joined: 3/29/2006
Msg: 21
How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 10/2/2006 10:08:14 PM
You need to be mysterious. Show the girl that she knows you... but not that well. Make her feel warm and fuzzy. Not by the polite "you look nice" comments. More assertive, more passionate... like you can't even believe she is for real. Make her walk in the clouds then disappear into the night. She will drive herself mad thinking about you. Not in a friendzone kind of way.
 Imaginativeone
Joined: 6/26/2006
Msg: 22
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How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 10/3/2006 4:27:20 AM
These women seem to be saying what has been my experience; let her know up front "Hey, you're attractive and I'd like to explore our ROMANTIC possibilities. We can explore our nonROMANTIC possibilities too - but I don't care about those so much...at the moment, at least."

Before I was married, this "line" worked for me like a charm. Women who weren't interested would say so and were even open about explaining why: too short (5'6"), too nerdy, dressed wrong, "kinda weird", too nice, etc.

Women who were interested, and yes they exist, were immediately on board for an exploration of our ROMANTIC possibilities. Granted, it was EXTREMELY disappointing to encounter so many of the disinterested.

One final note, I got plenty of encouragement for the courage and confidence for being so candid. At first it was uncomfortable. But around encounter #300 it was a piece of cake.
 Sh0t
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 23
How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 10/3/2006 4:46:49 AM
If you listen to female-given dating advice, you are destined for the friend zone my friend.
 todreamandbelieve
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 24
How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 10/3/2006 5:07:43 AM
Okay, it is probably true that a women knows within a few minutes if there is even a remote possibility of more. I think that, for me, depends on the situation though. If I meet you in a "meeting people" sort of way - either online or in person. Then I know in a few minutes if I have any chance of being attracted. If I meet you in a work situation then I might not notice is as fast because I won't be thinking that way.
I think unfortunately, attraction is a key thing and that is based on some aspect of the physical. I think that happens for both sexes. We all have our imprints and biases that tell us what is attractive and what isn't. I do think that there is a huge amount of leeway though in what ultimately attracts us. I mean, you can be the hottest person I've ever met but if you have no personality then I'm outta there. The same way if you have an incredible personality but are only so so in looks ....I could still find you irresistable.

I guess the friend zone is a hard one but I do know that touch is important like saltytowers said. I even state in my profile how I love when your arm brushes against someone you like. I think it works in a unique way. If my arm or hand brushes up against someone (not with a handshake or hug) then I usually look at them in a different way. I interpret things like that in a different way. Handshakes and hugs are common but the casual or accidental touch is different. Like if you hand me something and I take it out of your hand. That touch just shows more.

In the online world - I guess its a bit different because you can't feel touch. I fell for one of my ex's in an online situation. We actually started a conversation about computer help. I was helping him out with his AOL account. Eventually we talked about things on a more personal level and eventually we started to get even more personal. It was a few months of talking and not knowing at all what we looked like. I fell for him big time. I guess it worked because we were ultimately attracted to each other but I know the feelings helped a great deal.

I think the most important aspect is that you should somehow let us know that you do like us. I mean, its weird if you try to be our best buddy and then we find out that you have always had intentions of more. If I know you like me or have feelings then I may still keep things on a friendship level but I will be more inclined to think about the potential. Sometimes, unfortunately, you will still end up in the friends category. We've all been there and I always take it like it should be intended. Perhaps that person wasn't the right one but through them I will meet the right one. You just never know.
 PartnerInCrime72
Joined: 5/2/2006
Msg: 25
How can I stay out of the friend zone?
Posted: 10/3/2006 12:03:41 PM
real simple.

Be a funny, amusing, passionate, dykhead.

Funny and amusing - you can figure out your own style. Just remember -- NEVER leave home without them.

Passionate -- don't confuse this with Caring. Ever. Be passionate. Like, if some dood in the car in front of you pysses you off, be passionate about it. It helps if you can point to a few broken knuckles, maybe a scar or two...

Dykhead - be somewhat jealous and a little bit possessive - mark your territory. This isn't a "friend", this is your turf, dymn it! (note, don't be a dbag about it, k?).

Don't compromise. When you do "have to", then its only because you don't give a shyt about what you're compromising over. "Sure hun, we can rent _Her Heart Leapt Over the River_ -- I don't care. I'm just gonna be fondling you all night anyway in between gulps of icey cold Brew. Sheesh. Whatever babes."

NEVER compromise on anything that would put you into the Friendship Forum. Example: have sex, or help her do the laundry so you'll be on time for that PTA meeting...? Choices, choices... Right. Better to sit on the couch, preferably with a beer, and pout than help with that laundry. Another... its ok to help her try on clothes, as long as your opinion is followed by some serious grab-yss on every change of garment.

Now... once you've secured your fine filly - she knows she will NEVER be your friend. You've had sex at least ONCE, but preferably on numerous occassions and you KNOW that it was GOOD (and not just for you, home slice)... To seal the deal for ever and ever more so that you will always be able to act like a complete dykhead and ensure that she shall unfailingly see the siren call of your bed and not just how those manly hands of yours can open up that pesky pickle jar... find the opportune time... and CRY in front of her. **One** good, sensitive crying fit -- preferably because you are terrified of your own emotions, the power of them that, of course, SHE stirs in you -- will setup a LIFETIME of WHOLLY ACCEPTABLE, neigh, desirable even, manly, dykhead behavior.

An IMPORTANT caveat: REMEMBER - you are UNCONSOLABLE by her. The only thing that can console you is:
A) More sex with her
B) More beer WITHOUT her

Should you allude to "feeling better" after letting your emotions escape you, then you may instantly plummet into friendship status. Always keep your dykshield handy. That's why the Maker gave you one.

Don't Blame Me, I Have a Penis

Thar ya go.
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