| Kids accept ex's friends - not mine -
Posted: 10/2/2006 2:08:46 PM | | My ex and I have been divorced for 4 years, problem is, he has gone through 5 different women in that time and my kids find that ok - Dumb as it may sound, could it be that because they don't live with their dad, it's ok to filter through women? My kids tell me, "we like it the way it is". Don't get me wrong, I'm happy and content with my life and my kids, it just seems like a double standard - and this is coming from my kids. My youngest whose 8 asks all her dads girlfriends, "are you moving in with my dad", if they say no, she says, "good, cause if you did, it wouldn't last - he always dumps them when they move in." What can I say, she seems to have hit it right on the head - but the sad thing is, my youngest loves these women, and the turn around is drastic that she's the one that gets hurt. How can I prevent her from being hurt over and over and over again? I've tried to talk to numb nuts, but no go...he doesn't see it as a concern. Any suggestions would be great! | |
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| Kids accept ex's friends - not mine -
Posted: 10/3/2006 11:58:39 AM | | There is absolutely nothing you can do about it.........If he want to parade women in and out of his home you can't do anything about it. What happens in his home is his business. That being said that doesn't mean that you have to do the same thing. Just make sure that your children see what a real relationship is suposed to be like and you will have won the battle. Because after all isn't that why well all left those people. We wanted out of something unnatural...and walked....ran....and skipped to hopefully a better life first without anyone then eventually with someone more compatable. | |
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| Kids accept ex's friends - not mine -
Posted: 10/3/2006 12:15:57 PM | I have had a similar situation.
I have made my ex aware of my concerns. I do not think there is much else I can, or will, do unless the problem escalates. Her personal life is no longer any of my business excepting where the kids are concerned (we have 50% custody...two weeks on...two weeks off). That said, if the problem continues...and I am sure my kids will let me know as they know they can approach me with anything...I will step back in with my concerns.
In the meantime, I just explain to them in a positive way that people will come and go out of their lives for a variety of reasons... | |
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| Kids accept ex's friends - not mine -
Posted: 10/4/2006 1:48:42 PM | Thanks for your replies. I know that I'm not the only one ever to deal with this, but it breaks my heart when my 8 yr old looses yet another person she loves. My 13 yr old will have nothing to do with her dad...that's another story in iteself, but she gets angry that her sister gets hurt.
I have explained many times, 4 to be exact to my youngest about loving a person and that she has every right to love the women that her dad brings into her life as this person could possibly be her step mom. I explain that her heart is very big and that the women all love her back....She is not a dumb child, she knows that it is wrong for her dad to use these women (and that is what he is doing)....Bottom line is she gets hurt and cries and cries, I pick up the pieces and "oh, daddy has a new girlfriend"...Whatever the case, I have and always will be there for my girls, as for "daddy", he won't be around for my oldest, she's seen to much and reads him like a book - problem is, my ex won't even give her the time of day - won't even try, so she couldn't care less on how many women he has in and out of his life, but bottom line is, her sister does and that is what is hurting them both. | |
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| Kids accept ex's friends - not mine -
Posted: 10/23/2006 7:53:46 PM | I find this too....My ex has had a couple of live-ins and my girls seem fine with it....but I even think of dating someone they freak.....
I am now in a long distance realtionship and my youngest (15) is fighting me all the way on this one......When I asked her why she is ok with her dad living with someone she replied..."
dad needs someone too look after him.....he cannot look after himself"....I told her that I would like someone to be with too....she again replied...."You have me...."
there we go.... | |
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| Kids accept ex's friends - not mine -
Posted: 10/23/2006 9:17:08 PM | | my daughter is fine with it. She knows that mommy will anyways be there for her no matter what happens. Her father is never around so she loves it when i have a good man around. | |
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| Kids accept ex's friends - not mine -
Posted: 10/23/2006 10:40:35 PM | I can relate to this one. Funny how things turn out. He's the one that screwed around on me and has gone through many relationships since, but when I get someone I am interested in, both my girls don't really want me to be involved. Their reason is similar .. we can help you, we can do this, we can do that....they don't realize that it's nice to have a man around, their idea is "just the 3 of us," "were fine without anyone else". My oldest tells me and I quote "it doesn't matter who you go out with, we're not going to like him, we like it with just the 3 of us."
I'm not saying that I don't like it with just the 3 of us, but they don't seem to comprehend that I don't want to grow old by myself. I want to share my life with someone eventually. Their eventually is when they are grown and out of the house! I could be dead by then!
I guess it's because they don't live with their dad and only see's him every 2nd weekend (atleast one of my daughters - the other won't have anything to do with her dad - he's lied alot to her and was mean to her).
I think that she is scared that if I get involved, the man would hurt me the way her dad did, not sure...he wasn't physical, but verbal and mental abuse big time. She was around for all of it.
Anyway's, thanks for all your inputs, I really appreciate it! Maybe one day I can have a relationship that my daughters will approve of and it won't be when I'm totally old and grey! | |
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| Kids accept ex's friends - not mine -
Posted: 10/24/2006 2:49:16 AM | | It's weird isn't it how children don't see their Mum/Dad in the same light. My 13 yr old son did not accept the man I was involved with for the last 5 yrs, which made it very difficult for the relationship. Funnily enough, this man had 2 daughters around my son's age, who readily accepted me and we got on great. My son's Dad and I had already been separated for 4 years and he was the 1st man in my life that I introduced to my son, once I knew it was a long-term and not just a flash in the pan. For my son's sake, I've been careful who I've let into my inner sanctum (so to speak). On the other hand, my son's Dad has been in 2 relationships, one immediately after our break-up and whom my son accepted, loved this woman wholeheartedly, but he was only 4 at the time and acceptance was unconditional. The woman he's with now my son is very reluctant to like, not to mind contemplating ever loving her. She seems like a nice girl, but she's a lot younger than my Ex, and now that my son is older (and a bit wiser to life) he doesn't approve of the age gap and just tolerates her for his Dad's sake. I think the age of a child makes a difference to what they'll accept from both parents. | |
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| Kids accept ex's friends - not mine -
Posted: 10/24/2006 7:45:13 AM | YES.....downtoearth50I when you say "think that she is scared that if I get involved, the man would hurt me the way her dad did, not sure...he wasn't physical, but verbal and mental abuse big time. She was around for all of it."
I think that is my daughters problem too.....they saw alot in the home and fear for mom's safety......When I had male "friends" over for holiday dinners she was fine with them cuz she knew that's all they were,......but this guy is different and she knows it.....
the funny thing is she met his daughter who is the same age as her....they get along fine and chat on the puter but she tells me she does not like "him" and thinks I am "too old" for that....but for her dad it is ok......hmmmmm | |
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| Kids accept ex's friends - not mine -
Posted: 7/4/2007 7:11:59 AM | Hi everyone
Thanks everyone for your input....I know that I am not the only one in this type of situation, but it's nice to hear how others deal with it.
I do think your right sweetmama....I know my girls accept dad's new women, again, they are not overly accepting of a man in my life. They are good girls and love to see me happy, but I really believe it's because of things they saw and heard when I was married. Unfortunately, I see myself alone for a few more years, as I think my girls "scare" the men off. As I said, they are good girls, kind, considerate and loving, but they attach themselves with all their hearts and should the relationship between myself and a man not work out, they get hurt and they see me "hurt" all over again. Oh well, maybe it's just not meant to be at this time....However, I don't see anything wrong with having male friends and if I were lucky enough to find a mate that would show/prove to the girls that he's not going anywhere, I know that my girls would be full accepting of him. | |
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| Kids accept ex's friends - not mine -
Posted: 7/4/2007 7:18:58 AM | downtoearth50......
When I left my daughters father years ago, I made sure if I dated anyone that I kept my child well out of it until or if it got serious and it felt right to introduce them to each other. I personally don't think it does the children any good seeing so many come and go in their little lives, but it's something you can have no control over now what he does and with who..... it's so hard though isn't it. | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 12 | |
| Kids accept ex's friends - not mine -
Posted: 7/4/2007 8:07:02 AM | OP, I dont agree with what your ex is doing. If you get along with him you could try talking to him. Just state your concerns with so many different ladies coming in contact with the kids. Make it a child concern which is kinda wwhat it is. Other than that, i dont really see what more you can do. It is his life and not something you really have input in. Other than the children being around on his days that is the only concern you can bring up. All you can hope for is that these women are real and nice to your kids.
I personally would not date a women and have them meet my kids. Only if it were serious would i introduce a lady to my children. Evne then it would be a slow gradual process. | |
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