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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?      Home login  
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 Colorado_Cuddles
Joined: 7/27/2006
Msg: 1
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Most of the men I have had relationships with in the past get angry, jealous or depressed when I see other men. Sure a few of them are cool with it, but not most. I mean, if I am only "dating" a guy, why can't I have the freedom to date others? I really don't see the problem here. I always allow them the same freedoms. If I only have known a guy two months and we are not engaged or married, the way I see it, I am not officially taken and neither is he. Are all men like this? And if so WHY???

I'm sick of being treated like a wife, when I am only a girlfriend!
 *Flavia
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 2
Why are men so possesive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/8/2006 7:25:11 PM
"I'm sick of being treated like a wife, when I am only a girlfriend!"


I find your behaviour a little on the crazy side, actually.

So according to you, does it mean you should date others when you are already someone else's girlfriend?


Unless you are into open relationships, that's not what most monogamous mortals do. I would not want my boyfriend dating anyone but me either.


I find their reactions genuine. I think you should be upfront and tell them that, "this is not a meaningful relationship but a FWB/NSA/ONS."
 michael45693
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 3
Why are men so possesive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/8/2006 7:29:00 PM
"If I only have known a guy two months and we are not engaged or married, the way I see it, I am not officially taken and neither is he. Are all men like this?"



If I am with someone for two months and they go out with someone else, I am going to be madder than hell.
It sounds like you dont want a relationship, but rather a FWB
You need to tell these guys up front that you dont want anything serious
 lostwords
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 4
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/8/2006 7:31:28 PM
So, correct me if I am wrong. It is ok with you if while dating you, he is allows to see other women and you would not have a problem with that??

I can understand if 2 people dating at the early stage, we are allow to explore our options. But if it is getting pass the first month or so, I would expect my self or my partner to cut back on seeing other potential mates and try to see if this thing work out.
 Colorado_Cuddles
Joined: 7/27/2006
Msg: 5
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/8/2006 7:40:15 PM
If I were seeing a guy for a year and as long as we were not engaged, I couldn't give a flying leap if he dates other women. That is a normal part of life. And certainly 2 months does not constitute a relationship in any way. At that point you barely know one another. Your just having fun at the 2 month mark in a relationship. Its not serious at that stage. If it does become serious then I certainly wouldn't want him sleeping around. That wouldn't be cool. But until it becomes serious, why the heck shouldn't he be able to see other women and I be able to see other men?
 Colorado_Cuddles
Joined: 7/27/2006
Msg: 6
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/8/2006 7:46:10 PM
Phew! I am very relieved to know that I still get referred to as sounding "crazy"! lol. I was beginning to think I was starting to lose it.
 frapplesnort
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 7
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/8/2006 7:47:13 PM
You're so right. Ignore what other people say, even if they only said it to answer your question.



 MISS13
Joined: 12/4/2005
Msg: 8
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/8/2006 7:51:44 PM

You're so right. Ignore what other people say, even if they only said it to answer your question.


 SizeMatters
Joined: 5/29/2006
Msg: 9
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History
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/8/2006 8:01:15 PM
It's a safety issue. Since the early 80s there has been a thing out there called HIV/AIDS. It's what put a stop to the free-wheeling times of the 70s. I'm not a prude, but if you are sleeping with multiple partners you are putting yourself and others at risk. Monogamous people, who are not intravenous drug users, have almost no chance of catching it.
 e-wok
Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 10
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/8/2006 8:14:11 PM
I'm sick of being treated like a wife, when I am only a girlfriend!


Actually I think the solution to your problem is your label of yourself.
Don't tell him you're his GF Just say your a friend with
benifits. Dating a chick is one level, GF is the next, and matrimony is the final.

Just tell him you're his sex friend.

And always use protection!! This can not be over stated. When you sleep around
the last thing you want is to bring him something he can't get rid
of...be it crabs or other STD's - that's just rude and potentially you
can be sued. No glove no love ;)
 Targus169
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 11
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/8/2006 9:33:18 PM
I dont understand why you term it a relationship or use the words girlfriend If Its clearly just casual relations with as many as each side wants? Each to their own but I doubt most men would go with this and its not going to make any of them at any time step up to get engaged to " take you off the market " that much Is as good as guaranteed they will just shop for better as you are.

No one would get engaged to a person who cant even commit to dating one on one. Well If they did they'd be a fool as you meant nothing to that person the ring aint gonna buy loyalty nor respect for them.

I think In all honesty you should start looking for men seeking " open " relationships as that Is EXACTLY what you are looking for. The description above Is not relevant on the other players team - they are exclusive well before any serious commitment such as engagement would even be considered.

Sorry If I sound judgemental, Im not trying to be Im not fussed either way as I myself will never be In this position. But you have asked advice and here It Is
 Colorado_Cuddles
Joined: 7/27/2006
Msg: 12
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/8/2006 10:02:00 PM
As the saying goes, "dont put all your eggs in one basket".

Trust me, the last thing I want is to be "engaged". I do want a meaningful relationship with the right one. And if I spend too much energy on one person, I could miss out on someone truly wonderful because I wasn't keeping my options open.

I would like to know why people treat dating like a marital relationship? Isn't it bad enough that when you are married you have to act married? Just because a guy may be my boyfriend, doesn't mean that I may want to spend the rest of my life with him.

If I were very much in love, and he were very much in love with me, then of course, I wouldn't have any desire to be dating any other guy in the first place. But if I have only known a guy a few months, then at that point I would like to keep all my options open. And he should be doing the same if he's smart, lol.

And why all the talk of diseases? You can't catch stds from dating someone. You catch it by kissing and/or having sex with them. If I ever had sex with anyone , they sure as heck would be using a condom.

I think some of you have misconstrued what I was trying to say. I am not wanting to be promiscuous. Just wanting to be able to get know other guys as I am trying to get to know one. I still don't see the problem here.
 Colorado_Cuddles
Joined: 7/27/2006
Msg: 13
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/8/2006 10:02:10 PM
As the saying goes, "dont put all your eggs in one basket".

Trust me, the last thing I want is to be "engaged". I do want a meaningful relationship with the right one. And if I spend too much energy on one person, I could miss out on someone truly wonderful because I wasn't keeping my options open.

I would like to know why people treat dating like a marital relationship? Isn't it bad enough that when you are married you have to act married? Just because a guy may be my boyfriend, doesn't mean that I may want to spend the rest of my life with him.

If I were very much in love, and he were very much in love with me, then of course, I wouldn't have any desire to be dating any other guy in the first place. But if I have only known a guy a few months, then at that point I would like to keep all my options open. And he should be doing the same if he's smart, lol.

And why all the talk of diseases? You can't catch stds from dating someone. You catch it by kissing and/or having sex with them. If I ever had sex with anyone , they sure as heck would be using a condom.

I think some of you have misconstrued what I was trying to say. I am not wanting to be promiscuous. Just wanting to be able to get know other guys as I am trying to get to know one. I still don't see the problem here.
 e-wok
Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 14
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/8/2006 10:09:31 PM
I would like to know why people treat dating like a marital relationship?


Sorry, maybe we misunderstood you. You described yourself as his GIRLFRIEND earlier.

Now, if you guys are merely dating, he's got to know you aren't feeling it. Somehow
the guy has this funny impression that you're his gf.

There seems to be some miscommunication between him and you, and us and you.


Well, I met a great guy offline through a friend, so i'm off the market for now and crossing my fingers! Wish me luck, lol.


And this is from your profile. What do you mean you're off the market?
Wish you luck for what?

Communication is everything. Be careful what you say and how you
say it to avoid misunderstandings. If I were your guy, when I read that
little bit from your profile, I might - just might - think we are
exclusive.
 Herobizkit
Joined: 9/12/2006
Msg: 15
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/8/2006 10:11:47 PM
Yup, I'd say it's all about "the title". Once you tell someone you're dating and/or start making out (or more!), there's an unspoken assumption by most people that the dating is monogamous. You either gotta tell us up from that you're only hanging out, or you gotta put the foot down and forget about any kind of intimate contact.
 michael45693
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 16
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/8/2006 10:24:53 PM
" And if I spend too much energy on one person, I could miss out on someone truly wonderful because I wasn't keeping my options open."


How Fu**ing blind are you?

You are not going to know if they are the right person by simply sleeping with them.
You have to spend time with them, talk to them , share your feelings with them.
You have probably passed on several good men so you could "keep your options open"
Another little secret for you, you are not getting any younger and your "options" are running out.
Do you realize how insensitive and stupid you make yourself sound?

I am glad I wasnt one of the guys you were involved with.
Where I came from they have a word for women like you!!
 ubkobalt
Joined: 5/7/2006
Msg: 17
Why are men so possesive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/9/2006 12:32:41 AM
I think you should be upfront and tell them that, "this is not a meaningful relationship but a FWB/NSA/ONS."


I think this is the best way I've ever heard it put.


Anyway, the majority of daters out there prefer to do it one at a time. And saying that it's "meaningful" and dating other people makes you...a player, or polyamorous. Take your pick. Because you're putting yourself in a situation to hurt SOMEONE if you aren't honest about it. Or, find someone with the same mentality towards dating that you have.

Sure, you may be missing out, but that's you thinking of your own interests. (Which should be considered.) But think of the interests of the people you date as well.
 Ravager
Joined: 2/1/2004
Msg: 18
Why are men so possesive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/9/2006 12:41:53 AM
Again..not to be an ***hole, but people like you piss me off. Where in your warped mind is it alright to date other people openly if you have dated one guy for a couple months?

IF anyone I had dated for a couple months up and went on a date with someone else, NOT only would I be very pissed off, but I would end things right then and there.

WTF is so hard about dating one person at a time? Insanity......

If the people....you are dating are fine with it, then whatever floats your boats....if someone you date doesn't like that, and you didnt tell him, wtf did you expect?

I need to go calm down, lol.
 Yahh ROO Giddy Up
Joined: 9/1/2006
Msg: 19
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/9/2006 1:15:48 AM
Trust me, the last thing I want is to be "engaged". I do want a meaningful relationship with the right one. And if I spend too much energy on one person, I could miss out on someone truly wonderful because I wasn't keeping my options open.




with the nonsense you are sprouting you dont deserve a good man at all

and when you get married will you divorce at the first sign of someone who is more truely wonderfull in your opinion then your husband ?

In fact shit talk like yours deserves only but a life of lonliness forever -- no real man is going to want to have anything to do with you if this is your attitude
 Colorado_Cuddles
Joined: 7/27/2006
Msg: 20
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/9/2006 8:22:01 AM
Wow, it sounds like a lot of you guys are full of rage and jealousy! Dang! Glad i'm not dating one of you! Sounds like some of you jealous guys could benenfit from psychotherapy perhaps. I mean that in a nice way. I'm so sorry you have been hurt. But to imply i'm a whore just because I talk to or hang out with more than one guy at a time is very silly.

Yes, I have known this guy not EVEN a month yet and we see eachother about 3 times a week now. I am not in love with him. But at the same time I am trying to get to know him. I haven't "dated" anyone but him lately. Only talked. And if he would have a problem with that, then I wouldn't want to be with him. Jealousy is not a good thing. It's never a good sign when a guy is too jealous and controlling. It means he's insecure. And if he's insecure he has low self-esteem. Being in a relationship with a guy with low self-esteem is pure hell!

I'm turning 36 soon, and yes there aren't many good guys left over 30 that is true. But it certainly doesn't mean my options are running out! Hehe! There are ways of working around that that is for sure. I am in no hurry to settle down, and why should I be? I'm happy with life the way it is. I'm choosing to be a single mom by choice. No woman really NEEDS a man. Its just an optional part of life. Some people get upset because I'm having fun and they are not! I get to have my cake and eat it to. But that is my CHOICE! And i'm loving it! Bless you all and good luck!
 e-wok
Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 21
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/9/2006 8:50:42 AM
^^ you should perhaps change your profile to state that you are back on the market.

Just my opinion, I suppose. Or maybe I want you so very bad....oh wait, I'm married. LOL

Good luck to you, and I mean that with all sincerity.
 Double Cabin
Joined: 11/29/2004
Msg: 22
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Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/9/2006 9:33:41 AM
It's a self absorped, frosty morning here in Colorado this morning.

If you're not sleeping with these guys I see nothing wrong, and if you tell a guy you're stoopin' that you're going to be sleeping around then you've set the right expectation. We can't judge you as long as you are indeed being honest with the expectations you set with your men. You just have to understand some of us here are ultimately looking for a woman, not women.

Dating is not free love in most of our kennings. Good luck to you. Another slash on this long page for me.
 Mominatrix
Joined: 7/5/2006
Msg: 23
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Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/9/2006 10:35:39 AM
Trust me, the last thing I want is to be "engaged". I do want a meaningful relationship with the right one. And if I spend too much energy on one person, I could miss out on someone truly wonderful because I wasn't keeping my options open.


Just how long were you planning on keeping the options open? Will you be closing your options when you are married? What is "too much energy?" The constant search for the "perfect" can ruin something really good right in front of you.

A lot of people date to mark time and get sex. They use a partner to keep themselves amused while they constantly scan the horizon for something better. It is beneath contempt.


I'm sick of being treated like a wife, when I am only a girlfriend!

Just because a guy may be my boyfriend, doesn't mean that I may want to spend the rest of my life with him.


The implication is clearly there.

Dating someone is something else altogether than being someone's girlfriend. Once you are someone's girlfriend, yes they have the right to request you not date others. You likewise have the same right to that request. Learn to use the correct terminology. If you just want to have fun and sex, I don't consider that dating. That is a friend with benefits.


Yes, I have known this guy not EVEN a month yet and we see eachother about 3 times a week now. I am not in love with him. But at the same time I am trying to get to know him. I haven't "dated" anyone but him lately.


I know within 5 dates if it is someone I am interested in getting to know a lot better, but then again I am a good communicator and listener. I have known at some times after one date but I give it time. I then decide if I am going to concentrate on getting to know that one person, to the exclusion of others. Should the guy be interested still in seeing other women at that time, I do not see him again. He is not ready. If it does not work out, then we both move on.

If you are seeing someone three times I week, I think they have a reasonable right to expect your are somewhat serious about the relationship and that they are your boyfriend. By the end of a month, seeing someone three times a week if you don't know, then it's you and not him. He is showing with his actions he is interested and willing. If you are on the look out for someone better, while still seeng that person three times a week, this does not make you a very nice person. That is referred to as "leading someone on." By your actions you are saying one thing but in your head thinking another.

So many people take the whole process very lightly. A relationship for them is low on their priority list. Nice work, if you can get it. We are bombarded with choices and sexual promise on a daily basis. The people who make relationships work, know that relationships are work and recognize there is no such thing as perfection.

You are turning 36 soon? I find it hard to believe you got this far and still sound like a 20 year old. If you are just looking and not planning on settling down right away, make it clear from the get go. I assure you there are plenty of men who just want to see and sleep with someone having nothing approaching any sort of commitment.
 Whole 9 Yards
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 24
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Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/9/2006 10:47:54 AM
Because we don't want anyone else putting their eggs in our/your basket.
 PartnerInCrime72
Joined: 5/2/2006
Msg: 25
Why are men so possessive so early on in a relationship?
Posted: 10/9/2006 11:02:39 AM
OP:
William Blake, poet/artist/visionary of the English Romantic period, told a tale of his first love... a tavern wench. One day he saw her out strolling with another man, arm in arm. He approached her to have a word. To which she replied, "Art thou a fool?". Blake later wrote that this incident "cured me of jealousy forever". BTW, Blake's "re-writing" of the judaeo-christian myth put Jealousy as the cause for the Fall - it is Blake's Original Sin.

Nonetheless -- when Catherine, his wife, could not conceive a child, Blake did bring up the idea of 'using' a surrogate, so to speak. Catherine would have none of it!

Now... It would be nice if we could just be thankful for the time that we get to spend with someone who we find attractive and interesting without having to marr that time with issues over "eternity and forever". Remembering how LONELY loneliness feels may trim the fat off of our greediness to be the sole object of someone's affection... (no, i don't believe it is greedy to want to meet and be attracted to more than one person, but i understand that viewpoint is prevalent).

Unfortunately, it is very difficult for BOTH men and women to deal with the notion of having to vie for the love and affection of their love interest -- our Egos and ideals constantly get in the way. Jealousy rises out of the turmoil of our emotional selves:

"O, beware, my lord, of jealousy;
It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock
The meat it feeds on"
-Othello

That's my take on "why" men act the way they do. I know that I do, even though I willfully try NOT to feel jealousy and possessivenes, not to idealize 'purity' when companionship and adventure is what I'm after.... I try to follow a "don't ask don't tell policy", after being up front about what Dating and Love means to me right now....

As for advice... well, I think that some good advice (and some rude comments) have been made in this thread. Be sure to communicate what you're looking to get from a person, and what you're willing to give. Understand that even if you DO communicate well, you and/or the person you are dating is always at risk of being "ambushed by love" (and jealousy - "How many fond fools serve mad jealousy?" The Comedy of Errors)....

And.. yeah... that sex thing gets real tricky....
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