| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 10/10/2006 12:37:19 PM | | To those that have been in a military relationship situation or are in one right now, is it possible for all the assumptions and perceptions to be wrong? In other words, is it possible that it can be done without it getting totally messed up? I know civilian relationships work and some dont but is it the same for a military relationship? Or is it safe to accept that its destined to end up not working out? Especially in a time of war. | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 10/10/2006 1:37:59 PM | | I would like to think NO they are not destined to fail. I am unsure of the statistics but I am sure if you compare military with civillian they would probably be compairable. I am one to talk I have been divorced twice but we married for the wrong reasons I guess in hind site. It takes a special person to be married to a military person he or she must be very independant and enjoy alone time and lots of it. I was deployed away for over 4 years of a 10 year marriage but at 6 month intervals. I am actually suprised it lasted as long as it did. She put up with alot and it was appreciated. If you are considering marriage be sure that that life style is what you want. If you are unsure then don't. You just remember your vows if you are married for better and for worse. Take it from someone thats been there if you are considering someone else. End the marriage first, nothing like being deployed from home and finding out your world that you know and love back in North America has had an affair or leaving you. If I ever find that right person I will give up my career for her. | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 10/10/2006 1:55:36 PM | Katie I was in the military and saw MANY relationships last. However, before you get involved with someone and start to plan a future you have to ask yourself if you are willing to uproot your life every two or three years in order to move from one duty station to another with your husband. It isn't an easy life. It's harder on the spouse because they haven't gone through boot camp and training and don't understand the bond military members have with each other. If you're single you literally eat, sleep and work with those you serve with. They become family.
Yes they can work but it's up to the civilian to make more of a sacrafice if they marry someone in the military. You didn't choose the life you married into it. You have to be able to accept everything that comes with being married to someone who has choosen that course for their life. If at some point you make them choose between you and the military I can guarantee you'll lose. | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 10/10/2006 7:15:12 PM | thankyou both for your responses. Me and my fiance have been dating for awhile and he proposed to me. Hes in iraq right now and everybody ive talked to discouraged me but i think you two just helped me out immensely.Thankyou. | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 10/10/2006 7:36:22 PM | | Katie:I come from a family with a large military history. Many sons, fathers, cousins etc. in the military going back hundreds of years, with a good 25% of them in active military service today. They have more breakdowns than the statistical average, but as one poster pointed out there is a big issue with relocation. The other one is with the seperation of authority. It can cause some major issues. Whether man or woman, the career military person has a heightened sense duty and chain of command. That can get complicated in a give and take relationship. For what it's worth, most of them that work out in the long run the other thing other than relocation most of them work out is where whose responsabilities are for what, and where and when they end. And then don't change them without some real agreement, not because it is harder than what they thought. While they may feel for a person that can't cope, they are just a little more demanding of themselves and thier spouses in that regard. Not a ton usually, but it is a noticable difference. | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 10/11/2006 8:13:11 AM | thanks dentedknight, you helped me out as well. I think its unpredicted. I wont know how i will react until im put in that situation but i love him so im gonna do it. IF i can go 18 months while hes in iraq im gonna try and make a marriage work when circumstances have him gone off and on. Hes a ranger and considering delta so he will be gone quite often. something i just recently had to accept. Thankyou for all your responses. its helped me think about alot. | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 10/20/2006 3:27:38 PM | | Call me a dyed in the wool romantic but-I hope not. Those guys are over there fighting and trying to stay alive and that's what they need to be focusing on... I honestly think that a TRUE relationship withstands time and distance. Maybe I'm idealistic and a romantic but IF I had a relationship with someone who was deployed overseas I would wait for him. It would suck, it would be hard, but it WOULD be worth it. I'm just saying. | |
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ya472
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Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 9 | |
| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 10/20/2006 4:02:54 PM |  Here is to hoping that you will NOT make a decision based on other people's beliefs.
Or maybe you just aren't sure and want some support?
It has taken me 51 years to kinda learn that when some people ask questions, they REALLY don't want an answer.
and
If it is easy to marry someone, why is it so difficult to divorce them ?
and
What is the definition of marriage?
1) some use marriage to try to 'hold onto someone', or pregnancy.
2) people who feel separated from the 'norm', will attempt to be normal by doing the 'normal thing'. This is one reason some Gay men marry and have a family, to feel normal.
I am thinking, if marriage is so wonderful and exciting, then it will wait, until both parties can plan something wonderful, something that involves both families, something supportive.
Marriage should last forever, but if you cannot bring your families into the process, then how stable is that foundation.
Just some thoughts.
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 10/20/2006 4:40:57 PM | | It is possible and even likely that a relationship with a man or woman in the military will flourish if both parties are willing to communicate and put forth the effort that any relationship requires. It certainly requires a modicum of strength, but if you've coped beautifully thus far, there's no reason that you should not be able to continue along the same vein. You and your fiance will be in my prayers! | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 10/20/2006 5:12:48 PM | | A military/civilian marriage is probably the most difficult relationship in the world, especially with current op tempo. Look into the lifestyle fully before you make a hasty call. There are many more issues than the uproot every now and again. Many work. Many fail. Typically the failed ones bomb out in the first few years when the full impact of being a military spouse hits home, or one party cheats on the other. There are also some long term ones that fall apart because they were ok, but not strong enough to survive the current operating environment. | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 10/20/2006 5:40:40 PM |
I don’t know in the US, but here in Canada, military men have the awful reputation of cheating on their partners and they all cover their lies among themselves. Just like a code of honor.
In the States, military personel can be punished for cheating on a spouse, though it still happens. Those punishments can be a wide range of things, including incarceration. | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 10/20/2006 5:47:26 PM | Katie19
In answer to your question my opinion is this....
Military relationships compared to civilian relationships ... require more trust,more communication,more Faith,more give and take.... and most importantly as in a civilian relationship ....MORE LOVE...
Being a former spouse of a 20 yr military marriage... many times I wondered was he faithful,was he being honest with me,did he miss me as much as I missed him, they were thoughts that would haunt me.. but Thank God we were happy ... often I thought of suing the military for alianation(sp) of affection ...LOL
One thing I learned is that if you love one another and have faith and can endure hard times as well as good times and Know there are support groups in the military when the spouse is gone. Look into your Heart ...if you yourself can be strong,and live with knowing that in his career he will be gone sometimes for special occasions,:birthdays,anniversaries,christmas's, births of babies.. and your LOVE for one another can make it thru ...then I say ... GO FOR IT!!!!!!
My ex was in the Air Force.. and I Know I myself... would have never made it as a Navy or a Marine wife ... it was hard on me when he was gone for a few months at a time ... I can not even imagine now days when our men and women are gone for 6 months and yrs at a time... in my opinion it truly takes a strong person to marry a service member.
I wish you all the best...
CREAMY | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 10/20/2006 6:06:28 PM | I can't answer about the "time of war" thing, because thank goodness I never experienced it. But military relationships CAN work and DO work. It's hard, but it's worth it, in my opinion. To the guy who mentioned cheating, well that can happen with an accountant, for heaven's sake.
If you love him, Katie, don't hesitate. Be brave and be prepared, but don't hesitate. One life. | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 10/20/2006 8:53:40 PM | | I dont think that military relationships are destined to fail. But I do believe it takes a very special, loyal and strong person to marry into the military. I know it is not an easy life, you make a huge sacrifice just as your military man/woman has. | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 10/20/2006 9:12:44 PM | | destined to fail no, but more difficult yes. When you marry someone in the military no one tells you that you are also enlisting. I was a military wife for 15 years. I partially raised my children alone while my husband was in Turkey, Saudi, you name it. Its hard to constantly be away from someone you love, and hard on the children too. Then there is the fact that you are moving like gypsies, my kids and i sat down once and counted how many times we moved, it was unreal. Does this stop you from marrying a military man? I would hope not. In a lot of ways being a military wife made me very strong, and I was always and still am proud of him. | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 10/20/2006 9:31:49 PM | The best advice I ever recieved about a potential military relationship is:
"You have to blossom where you're planted"
Not only is this relevant to the moving, but to the relationship as a whole. You'll have to learn to go with the flow and accept things for what they are and not what you hoped theyd be. But, I have faith that military relationships can work for sure. Just have to know the quality of the person youre with. | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 10/21/2006 5:05:08 AM | | No, not all military relationships are destined to fail. The divorce rate for military members is higher than most civilian jobs, however, all stressful jobs create more relationship problems. The divorce rate for military is actually lower than (for instance) policemen. Ditto for suicides. I was in the military for 11 years, and I saw dozens of good marriages - but - like most have said here....they require a lot of extra work, communication and sacrifices. I was in before computers were available.....all we had to work with was the ($$$$) telephone. Except for deployments (like to Iraq), spouses and families are usually stationed overseas with the service member, allowing you opportunities that may not otherwise be available to you in regards to travel and experiencing other cultures. It's a wonderful learning experience. | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 11/26/2006 3:09:39 PM | Katie you have some good answers here, and I hope mine help as well.
Compatibility is key #1 in any relationship. If something is not right, any relationship is subject to fail.
If your relationship is strong you can not only endure but overcome anything.
As in any relationship there are pro's and con's. A military relationship is different in a lot of ways.
My wife and I have been together now for 32 years. I have 18 years service in the US Army, 15 of it with my wife.
She would tell you it opened doors for her, that others can only dream about.
It allowed her to tour about 7 different places in Europe with her mother. We only toured Paris and Birchesgardens together, because they keep me very busy.
It also opened the door to her as a Civil Service Employee, which pays very well.
It isn't all a bed of roses, though. To live this type of live style, you must me able to accept changes in your life frequently.
He will not only be away from you during war. He will be away for days and weeks for down range unit training; for weeks or months for advancement school training. Such as PLC, PNCOC, BNCOC, ANCOC and 1st Sgt school. Not to mention specialty schools for his MOS. It is all a part of climbing the ladder.
But each time he is away, it makes the heart fonder. The passion is unbelievable when he makes it home.
I have seen some relationships fall by the wayside for the following reasons. 1) The spouse wouldn't travel abroad with her husband when given the opportunity.
2) Some did, but with in 2 or 3 weeks couldn't accept the change, and went back home.
3. They could not think of the idea of being that far away from Mom and Dad.
4. And there were the few that once there, cheated with another soldier.
The life is not as rough as some would paint it.
To compensate the pay your husband gets, you also get Commissary privileges (groceries cheaper than civilian stores); PX privileges (for any thing else); and medical benefits are pretty much free for spouse and kids.
Stateside most bases have Quarters for families. Overseas Quarters are limited, therefore it is based on rank of the service member.
On my military records my stateside preference was Ft Carson because I love snow skiing and rappeling. My overseas preference was Germany. There are no guaranties on getting your preference, but I got mine 3 times.
If your husband is an E1 thru E4, those are the hardest years, because he is just starting his career. The pay starts getting better at E5 on up.
And also consider this, many a soldier change their mind after 6 years in. Only the true lifers make it a career. " Only the Strong."
Not only do you get travel and tour discounts, with prior coordination you can travel free with military hops.
I recommend you watch the following two movies. "An Officer and a Gentleman" with Richard Gere; and " We Were Soldiers" with Bruce Willis. I also recommend the new series " The Unit" on CBS on Tuesday nites.
He wouldn't ask you to stop being a women, so don't ask him to stop being a man.
I hope this answers some questions for you. I know it probably opened a lot of other questions, but I have all the confidence that you will treat this man right. May God bless the both of you, and best wishes.  | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 11/26/2006 4:11:22 PM | It's an omen that most LDR's are destined to fail.
Military relationships are the same as the rest, when it comes to it, except that it's actually HARDER on the relationship, given the extensive distance and the fact that death is always on the line. | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 11/27/2006 1:47:04 PM | military relationship is not for everyone.It is a hard life for whoever is the one staying home. I speak from experience as I was in the navy for 20 years and married at the time. Our separation was not due to that but my hats off to my ex for holding the fort together while I was gone for many months at a time. It is not an easy life thats for sure and I think you need to be a strong person mentally to deal with all the issues that come and go when your better half is not around to help. But to answer your question..yes it can be done for sure. | |
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