| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 7:13:28 AM | Im not sure at what point in my life I first noticed I am shy. I do know for a long time it has been the most restrictive part of my life. What I do not understand is the fact that I have had a number of careers where I have had to stand in front of large groups of people and teach, talk, present etc. However when it comes to approaching and talking to a woman I fall to pieces. I seem to go through a process of self talk upto the point where I convince myself to do nothing. I know for a fact that every relationship I have had has only happened because my partner at that time approached me. I must have missed loads of opportunities by now and it upsets me. All I want is to love and be loved... but most of all it would be nice to approach that special someone and set things in motion myself. I hate being shy and would welcome advice about getting over it. Please do not say something like just get out there and do it.... cos I have tried and failed every time. It takes all my courage just to say hello to a checkout girl. Whats so frustrating is that My two brothers are completely oposite. Is there a secret. Or is this fear of rejection going to rule my life for eva??? | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 7:19:43 AM | | I have a terrible fear of rejection! It makes you question your whole being! ( why doesnt he like me, whats wrong with me, and leaves you depressed!) No, you will never out grow that fear, but you can conquer it! ( by the way, when you conquer it, email me and let me know how you did it....so I can conquer it too, lol ) | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 7:26:10 AM | I don't like being rejected either [that's how I feel], but at the same time I appreciate a firm "No" [thats what I think] -- because I believe it means I'm one step closer to the right woman. Having these two conflicting processes inside causes a lot of discomfort.
Sometimes I can be shy, and sometimes I'm overly animated, dramatic and charming. I think it's human nature to fear rejection -- in-fact I think it probably has a very real evolutionary connection.
However, like all things, we need to work on it, and take risk to get what we want. It's hard work for me personally, but I do it. | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 7:35:28 AM | | If it was up to me to approach a guy, I think I would just become a nun! | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 7:43:46 AM | lol leisha1017
I sometimes think about becoming a nun but i'm trying to kick the habit lol.
Anyway... I agree with metallic blue... in that we have to work at it no matter how painful. I guess its just part of life. I would like to think that shyness is psychological and that I will with time and effort overcome it. | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 7:47:54 AM | | hahahhahah.. the only way to get over it is to take the first step.. forget about seducing the woman, forget about leaving an impression, forget about even trying to do anything beyond making polite conversation.. the more you talk to women the more you'll become accustomed to the things they like to talk about and the way they talk about it.. eventually you'll be able to talk to any female.. | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 7:50:58 AM |
hahahhahah.. the only way to get over it is to take the first step.. forget about seducing the woman, forget about leaving an impression, forget about even trying to do anything beyond making polite conversation.. the more you talk to women the more you'll become accustomed to the things they like to talk about and the way they talk about it.. eventually you'll be able to talk to any female..
This man speaks truth. It's about being willing to relate to a person, for the sake of just doing it. | |
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RitaZ
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Joined: 6/2/2006
Msg: 8 | |
| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 7:50:59 AM | I used to be so horribly shy, there is no way in hell I would have approached anyone for conversation, and if they approached me, I would stare at the floor and turn beet red. Then somewhere along the line, I figured out that people liked my personality, and so did I. And I figured out that no one is going to bite my head or cause me harm for something I might have said, like "hello". I figured out that even if it didn't go well, life goes on and probably next week they won't remember I even spoke to them. I had to look at the big picture. I tried a few experimental runs, usually involving liquid courage in a bottle, maybe telling an off-color joke in mixed company or such. I kept trying and over time, I got over it. Now, there isn't a shy bone in my body. I can say anything to anybody at anytime, and I can flirt with the pros.
I can't say it was a fast process, I'm 45 and I've been working on it since I was about 30. But it's a gradual thing, and you can get to the stage where you can approach someone for a simple hello pretty quickly.
When you feel the heartrate start to pound, the cheeks start to flush, and the panic start at the thought of it, take a moment and remind yourself of your long term plan. Remind yourself that if you talk to this girl and it doesn't go well, no harm done. She won't think you're a troll, and you will walk away a little stronger. Or better yet, she might like you and you'll walk away with a new friend or more. | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 9:23:58 AM | OP..you just have to try to make it work in your advantage;)
I personally was always more attracted to cute shy guys  ..I think there is an irresistible charm about them that puts a smile on my face;) | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 9:25:06 AM |
OP..you just have to try to make it work in your advantage;)
I personally was always more attracted to cute shy guys ..I think there is an irresistible charm about them that puts a smile on my face;)
Oh my, look who it is. I wonder who you're talking about.  | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 9:25:09 AM | | @OP: at age 38, this is who you are, my friend. Accept your strengths and weaknesses, acknowledge them and be true to yourself. I'm the same as you: I can convince a group of 50 hostile scientists I'm right and they're wrong, but LOL walk up to a pretty girl in a bar and I start stammering and stuttering. This is why POF is an ideal place for people like us; we can break through the initial shyness barrier online, and then you should have lots to chat about on the first meeting IRL. | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 9:30:07 AM | Well, what I am hearing is that your shyness is a problem for you.
So, I would say go seek out some type of help, maybe you can
find out what you need to do from joining a public speaking group.
Maybe there are good talk therapists for this.
I don't know, but you should do something about it.
The one thing I do recommend is getting out and just talking to
women, without having any expectations. Accept the fact that
rejection is a part of life, we all fear it, we all hate it, but
if given enough practice, you will find yourself not being controlled
by that fear! | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 10:07:26 AM | OP, I was the same, terribly shy at school, party situations, etc. The girls that *did* get to know me approached me, first. After that it was pretty much the same old same old, be yourself.
In time as I reached my professional career, I too found myself lecturing in front of 10,000 quite comfortably, but one-on-one with an attractive woman, forget it, I was a bag of nerves.
I found what works for me: Whenever I meet new women I predispose to perceive her at a totally non-sexual platonic level, with no ideas or hint of future romantic possibility whatsoever, irregardless if it's a date, a chance meeting at work, in a bar, whatever.
As it turns out, it's perceived by the women as self-assuredness, and they appreciate the friendly air between us. If romance is to bloom, a form of friendship must be secured, first. If not, a new friend is made, at the least. It doesn't have to be painful!
Boy, if I knew then what I know now, high school would have been a heck of a lot easier!
Just my spin on it, hope this helps.
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 10:50:33 AM | You know that scene in Top Gun where Maaverick won't take the shot, and his REO is saying the shots don't come any better and then they play the sad 80's electronica? His problem isn't that he's a bad pilot, or that he won't get into position for the shot, its that at the least sign that the shot might be bad he breaks off the attack run.
Chances are you aren't clinically shy, and are probably a pretty confident person. You mention as much yourself. Its just that whenever you get the least sign from a girl that she might not like you, real or imagined, "the shot's bad, breaking off." This could be a look, body language, or just a tone of voice. She might not even know she's doing it, but you say see her head turn away and its "pull up pull up pull up". After all theres no external pressure to get you to continue, and the very lack of anything serious riding on it makes it easy to leave it be with no other consequence than you don't talk to her. So either you need some iron will type self-discipline to see you through the approach, or you need some sort of extensive external pressure to force you into it. Call it a guess, but thats the problem I see with most self-proclaimed shy people. | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 11:08:35 AM | Nobody wants to be rejected or fail at anything. But the truth is rejection and failure is a part a life for most, if not all people. Most of us are not royalty and we can't decree a disaster into a triumph, but you don't need to use denial to win the day.
Your problem is not unique as many people suffer from the same feeling of general lameness around the opposite sex as you do. Some people start out with a handicap in life... something that creates a feeling of social pariahism within themselves.
If you're too poor you suck... if you're too rich you suck.... if you're too skinny you suck (unless you're a celebrity then it's just good tabloid news).... if you're too fat you suck.... if you smell funny you suck... if your penis is too small you suck... if your titties sag you suck... I mean the list goes on and on.... and on..... and on and on................... and I also believe there's some sort of more on.... going on.....
So where and when does it end..... basically when you die.
And honestly it might even still go on after death for all I know... so ah... we all have that to look forward to maybe.... so that's pretty awesome.
The key here in all this rambling bs is that you can't take this crap seriously. I mean come on, do you think I got this sexy (no) by always bending over and grabbing my ankles... no, that rarely even happens anymore.....
I got this way by kicking ass and being generally awesome in pretty much all ways that are possible to be awesome in. That's not denial, that's creative fact (meaning self created lies for all those not following along... but good solid lies based in fact, that I actually originally created thereby making it true kind of)
So be like me and you're like over halfway to overcoming being shy.
I mean do you think I care if I'm socially awkward? Of course I don't, I mean if I did I could never open my mouth in public, like ever.
Just be bombastic, weird, and freakish like me.... it works.
the giggleparts | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 11:47:52 AM | | Shyness is my curse,that i have yet to deal with,dammit. | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 12:48:42 PM | I'm shy...nobody would guess it....i know that a smile can hide shyness and also attract people.....
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 1:16:10 PM | | I totally agree tishisdishy. Up until recently I hadn't really analysed my behaviour social. It is only since I have read a few books on the subject that I have noticed how little I smile. This is due to many factors..... but I have noticed when I smile I get noticed more than when I shrink into a corner with that sultry shy look. Having said that... there have been a few times where I have been approached just because I looked so misserable lol. | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 1:17:54 PM | | You're (tish) also only expected to remain set in a defense, and present a reasonable objective to induce guys to try their luck. For the OP to decide to go for it, cross the space in between, and then drive home a conversation requires a little bit more activity than looking friendly. He actually has to act, while you need only wait for someone else to build up the courage. | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 1:53:52 PM | | I never approach men I like for fear of rejection. Maybe if you smile at a woman you like and then start a casual conversation with her before asking if she would like to go on a date that would help. | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 3:23:00 PM | You're (tish) also only expected to remain set in a defense, and present a reasonable objective to induce guys to try their luck
Please explain^^^newgate | |
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akula
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Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 22 | |
| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 7:04:14 PM | well this may sound strang but you need lots of rejection to get confedient.yip thats right think of the first time a girl shot you down.torn to peaces right?now each time a girl rejects you dont take it so pearsonaly.dont dwell on the girl that says no.move on to the next one.even if she says no dont stop there.you keep going till you get one that will give you the time of day.not all women are keepers anyway,same as guys.some are worth the effort and the ones that you dont connect with wont matter if you get the right one.
so how do you aproch women.this is the millon dollar question.works like this ,,,,Timeing,you have to find the opening .theres no one way to aproch a women.use the moment to your advantage.like if you see a girl looking your way,smile at her see what happens.If your at a bar and you see girls together well good luck but women tend to be intercepet by there firends when you go to aproch them.that said if your at the bar ones bound to get close to you small chats all it takes.what do you talke about ,Anything you can think of ,hot potato think fast.lol.the hard part is not being too forward .lol
A sub may fire all its torpidos and only sink one ship.but an unfired torpido never sank anything.lol | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/14/2006 9:02:33 PM | | I'm shy to, but in highschool i did tell a guy that i liked him. he sead that he didn't like me,but when i saw him everyday at school he would have a differnt girl every day, and when he saw me he would kiss her and then smile at me, and i sead i would never ever tell another guy that i liked him. and here i am there have been a few guys that i liked. one was also shy, so nothing came of that and the other i didn't speak up and he's geting married | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/15/2006 8:29:01 PM | It really is hard to get over. Basically, you're the person you are but you can "adjust" your personality enough to find your own zone that works for you.
Here's two for you to try;
Go to a busy place and try to make eye contact with as many woman as you can. And when you do, do not break it until you must. Preferrably, you'll be walking towards each other and you break contact as she goes past you.
Go out to a mall or other fairly busy place and walk up to every woman possible and say "Hi, how are you." When she say's hi back say "Thanks for helping me, I'm trying to overcome my fear of women by saying "Hi" to as many as I can." or something similar to this (maybe my shyness). Then, turn and walk away.
When you try to meet women go with an "I don't care what happens" attitude and just have fun. Say anything you want. Build up to saying the most outrageous thing you'd think possible while showing a little grin. Teasing comments work wonders. You didn't know her before you say "hi" so exactly why does it matter if she walks away hating you and you never talk to her again after?? And if she doesn't walk away hating you.?.?. | |
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| Overcoming shyness
Posted: 10/15/2006 9:39:26 PM | I was extremely shy in grade school (almost a recluse) and overcame most of it in high school. I was always looked at as the "odd one" because my shyness ruled me from having and making new friends. So when I entered high school...new people....new place, I decided then to "pretend" I was popular and that no one would know the difference because we were mostly all new to that grade. Believe me, I was one of the three girls in the class all the way from kindergarden to grade 8 that were picked on constantly because I never stood up for myself and was not in the click.
I walked into my first grade 9 class, sat down and started chatting with people all around me and "pretended" to be comfortable...and YES...it worked. I've never changed back. People today would never believe how far I came from even though I sometimes clam up in large crowds, but that doesn't happen hardly ever. People would say I am a social butterfly because I look so comfortable around everyone. Maybe I'm nuts but I just convinced myself to act that way and it really worked to overcome the shyness. I've now been in sales for 8 yrs and I'm self employed and don't have a problem with being shy or quiet. | |
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