| What does "my children come first" mean to you?
Posted: 10/14/2006 11:52:48 PM | Just wanted some input. I have never "hidden" the fact that my children come first. Many men "claim" to not only understand that aspect of my life but even state that they "support" it as well. Problem is, at first, they really do appear to understand, that is, until the first broken date because one of the kids is sick or is going through a crisis (teenagers)....then comes the attitude...If I don't return phone calls at their expected time frame. After all, I work full time, raise three children alone (homework, sporting events, practices et.) I have "every other weekend" for myself, and God willing, get to know someone. I realize that that isn't much "quality" time for a signifigant other but...it is what it is.
My question is....why is this so hard for a man to accept? | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 12:15:17 AM | | Most normal men understand that emergencies happen. I think the trick is, to let the guy know you really are sorry, and to show how much you understand his disappointment because the date was cancelled, a good blow job really helps. Some people are total flakes, and hopefully thats not you. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 12:24:18 AM | Redneck
My apologies. I certainly did not mean to offend or generalize. Just stating my experiences. When is the "too little time invested" become...too little? | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 12:26:57 AM | (I'm seeking a woman to marry and one who wants to marry.)
As for the Question: "What does "my children come first" mean to you?"
First I'd clarify from her what she really menas by "My children come first"!"
If they really do, then I say "Next!" - "Pass" her by. (I found that those who say the children come first usually mean it.)
If there are no Grand children, you might come third or fourth depending on how many children she has. Likely when Grand Children arrive you'll keep going down a notch and say end up 8th. or even 16th. Meanwhile she will likely expect you to hold her as number one in your life, (to me which she should be.)
So if you can live with NOT being the first in her life... as for equality ---> what was the children's father when he was around? He probably came first... but you never will be.
Also few mothers where the children come first have little time for you since they are too wrapped up in their children and can't see it.
Le fin. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 12:36:23 AM | Perhaps it's not the concept of "the children come first" perhaps it's the concept of what constitutes an emergency. You speaking severed hand or emergency manicure? Perhaps your children in "his" opinion have you wrapped around their fingers. I would need a more finite example to lend a more plausable explanation.
But as said, it could be amatter of priority, and who's on top of the list. Sometimes it should be the kids, sometimes you, he might want to be wanting a turn on top of the list, even if it's just for a short time. Obviously, things(priorities) change, seasons of life. Something new is bound to "pop-up".
Just a guess. For the general question posed. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 12:46:14 AM | | a relationship that you want to flourish, needs attention. if you don't have the time to give it what it needs, then it won't flourish......i don't mean that you can't have or don't deserve to date, it's just that it would be extremely difficult. are there any groups or clubs of men and women in your area that you would be interested in? you may be able to meet someone thru those that you would be able to have more time for........some people want to date you, but they probably want to see you more than once every 2 weeks. they may not see the point in the relationship. they may be looking for something more permanent, and they know it takes time together to build it. if you honestly do not have time for a serious relationship and are just looking for a few dates here and there, you need to be very very blunt about it. (i don't know if you were or not) don't lead anyone on. (not meaning you were) | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 1:08:37 AM | | Perhaps it is my own doing. The truth is that I am not interested in the "dating scene." And I would love to find someone to share my life with...When my ex and I divorced, he remarried within the year. Although he continues to have visition every other weekend, that time is becoming more infrequent. His life now is centered around his new wife and her children. Whenever I meet someone new, my oldest daughter (13) becomes emotional and always says "the same thing will happen to you as it did with dad" meaning that they will become non-existent in my life, and the "man" will be my only interest. No matter how much reassurance I give her that that will never happen, her fears still remain....the "guilt" over their fathers actions, tend to run my life. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 1:28:32 AM | It isn't a hard thing to except for someone in the same situation.
Men who either have no children, or are not the custodial parent will have a harder time understanding.
Single fathers such as myself, and there are many others on this site as well, have a better understanding of this situation.
As for your daughter's outlook, I'm sorry she see's things that way. I think she has a fear of abandonement, as that's how she views her father leaving the family unit. Keep assuring her it wasn't her fault in any way shape or form. Mines 14, and she understands this about her mother and I. She actually encouages me to get out and meet women. She's 14 going on 40!
Best of luck to you. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 1:48:13 AM | Hmm, I think it means just what it says, YOU are NOT first, which, if one does not have kids they will put the other first- creating an imbalance that most people have a difficult time dealing with. It's really a crap generalization. There is time to put the kids first and time to put the significant other first, so I think it's a matter of ballance. Who's willing to work towards it and be honest to themselves and others during the process? | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 2:06:15 AM | DON'T SAY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To me it means: YOU COME SECOND!
Bad news.
You shouldn't have a pecking order. They all matter. How is that supposed to make him feel? How important is he?
Everyone knows our kids are important, but they shouldn't dominate our entire lives. How will they perceive any man in your life if they hear you say that to him? It is so emasculating and disempowering. They will ride roughshod over him. He is ostensibly the father figure and yet has no authority or control over his own environment. That is unconscionable, who could or should endure it? A man entering a relationship where there are children, particularly if he already has children of his own, will recognise how difficult it is to have one on one quality time. But as an exercise a special time should be set aside every day, BEFORE the children go to bed, so that they can see that HE too is important, where you and he can have a conversation without being interrupted, where you can be left in peace to hold hands and relax.....just for half an hour to demonstrate that he and YOU should be shown RESPECT and given some space. If children think they are the centre of the universe where the hell does it leave us adults? Has the world gone mad?
No, whether it is what you believe or not it should be a tacit unspoken agreement/understanding. Otherwise, he will always feel on the outside looking in - not the important member of the family he should be. Try to be INCLUSIVE, make him feel special/important and encourage your children to show him respect and then everyone will be happy.
OP if you have sons, how are they perceiving the role of a man? Where does it place the importance of men/husbands/fathers in society generally? It shouldn't even be an issue because you shouldn't be making the comparison in the first place. Until a relationship is firmly established it is impossible not to love your children more, but you don't have to rub his nose in it.
If you feel you have to tell him 'my children come first', it may be that you are just trying to protect them but protect them from what??? If you have the need to warn him, something isn't right. It might be a red flag to you that he is not 'father' material. As parents we have a moral duty to protect our children, we are responsible for their emotional development and possible future happiness and security. Their wellbeing should be paramount.
So you see, as parents our children DO come first, just don't tell him and definitely don't tell them, there will be anarchy!  | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 2:11:08 AM | I can relate, my ex . disapeared from their life I don't even have everyother weekend, the way that I look at it I only have so much time to be with my kids before they grow up and have their own life , right now I am molding them and if nothing alse they will be aware that friends come and go but family lasts for ever.
I do go out but usually when they are at sleep. And not to get laid or "find my partner" but to get some other adult stimulation and dance.Like I tell them they have their friends I too want to have some friends and I never take time away from my kids for them .
The only thing that bothers me is the fact that they haven't seen me for a long time with a lady friend and am not sure if they know what a decent lady is suposed to be like and I realy don't want them to end up with a woman like their mom (this is just between us) I never spoke bad of her and they understand that unfortunately their moms choice was not in their best interest because she got into Meth. (Nasty shit everyone should condemm people who use it or is willing to try it). But that is just my opinion.
In answer to your question.
It means if you have free "ME" time you would like to hang out and share some adventures wether is dancing or a comedy show or a bike ride or what ever YOU want to do as an adult , you want someone you can count on being flexible and not dependent on you.
There are 2 types of relationships the A type and the H type the A type you lean on each other /\ and if one can't be there the other one falls __ but they come together in the middle - . The H relationship (is what I think is the best) is when you stand on your own l and your partner on its own l and come together in the middle to share life's experiences with eachother wether is together or separate l-l.
I wish you luck in finding what you are looking for, I comend you on not letting your kids slip over selfishness, when they grow up they will remember this and be better parents for it (at least I'm hoping).
Hang in there lady and if worse comes to worse , you can always call me I am listed and I think you know who I am.
Dino | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 3:57:20 AM | I think most people would give you attitude if you dont' return phone calls. That's just plain ignorant. If your'e going to bail on a date, at least have the courtesy to return a call. Yes I know, "how dare someone get upset about me not returning calls". It takes a minute to call someone. With cell phones you can get ahold of peolpe any time.
As for the "my kids come first" stuff is concerned. Be happy that a guy is willing to date you in spite of the fact you have kids. If a guy is dating you that doesn't have kids, instead of thinking solely of your expectations and your needs, try thinking about him and how he might feel about things. I know, you didnt' think of that one huh? People that are not you, have different thought processes. Crazy ain't it?
You say you want to find someone to spend your life with, yet you dont' want to date. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
I see a lot of "me, me, me" in your posts. Your comment about your daughter saying that she will become "non-exisistant" in your life is likely modelled after someone. Hmmm..I wonder who she picks that up from?
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 4:16:00 AM | Anybody can be a mom but it takes someone special to be a 'Mother' and lady that's what you are. Men will come and go, but your children are forever. Your children have to come first and if those men can't understand that, well they're not worth it.
I became a widow when my son wasn't quite two years old and the same garbage was happening to me,i chose my son first and lady i'm happy i did. Where would those men be today, probably gone for some other crazy reasons, but i still have my son. A wonderful young man now who's 22 years old. Don't put too much stress on yourself, you're doing the right thing by putting your kids first. One day the right man will come along for you, someone who will understand that this is a package deal. I truly beleive that if a man is not willing to accept the children, than he's not in for the long haul. Good luck to you and keep up the good work. God Bless you and your kids.
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*Tee*
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Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 19 | |
| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 4:57:50 AM | Kiash.....first of all I commend you on trying to be the best mother you can be to your children.
I understand your dillema, as my ex pretty much abandoned my kids just after we separated. Because of his lack of parenting, I felt the need to be there even more for my kids. Thats something I don't regret nor would I ever change.So basically I have them 24/7, not even every weekend...
Your children should come first. That way of thinking is part of who you are, and any man that you date seriously should accept you and your ideals.Lets put it this way...would you be happy with yourself NOT giving your children the attention they deserve in order to date more men? I know I wouldn't...I really work hard to make time to date, and I do put time and effort into a relationship, but there will be times where I just CAN'T ignore my kids. If they get it, they get it, if they don't, then maybe they weren't meant to be in my life...
They won't be this age forever, and things will change for you as years go by. Enjoy the time you do have with your kids, and don't ever regret being there for them and choosing to be a stable, and positive influence on their lives....
I'll tell you...I would rather stay single through the years while my kids are still living with me, then be with a man that thinks my kids are a bother...JMO...good luck!
I think the trick is, to let the guy know you really are sorry, and to show how much you understand his disappointment because the date was cancelled, a good blow job really helps. Some people are total flakes, and hopefully thats not you.
And these are the types of men you need to stay away from | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 7:50:27 AM | well, it looks like Flora really gets it.
As a single adult male with no kids, we know we're not going to be #1 when dating a woman with children! It would actually be a serious red flag if we were! However, please don't rub my face in it! If/when the relationship progresses, I'd like to move into a more "equitable" position. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 8:04:25 AM | | Old saying~ "Should be" and "is", are not always the same thing. Maybe, you just didn't see it happen (the order change), maybe she changed it often enough that it wasn't discern-able? Someone already said it, this is the "default" is right. But it is good to be included, and a phone call should be that difficult a thing to do, just a matter of "common" courtesy, which is becoming less common and "shouldn't be". | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 8:47:53 AM | FLORA: you ask if children think they are the centre of the universe where the hell does it leave us adults? Has the world gone mad?
Yes, my friend the world has gone mad!!!! But for the opposite reason you suggest. I teach at a High School and I can assure you that much of the gang activity, drug use, and overall decline of the morals of our "future" generation...are in fact due to LACK OF PARENTING!
Having said that, you make some valid points. But let me make it clear first to the male egos that blasted my perceived manners... YES, I DO RETURN PHONE CALLS, and yes if something comes up, I do call. What I intended you to understand from that statement is "if I don't respond immediately,(within an hour or two) do I really have to be questioned as to why?"
Now, to answer one of your questions. Yes, I do have a son (15). For a teenager, he is wonderful and respectful. While the children do not meet men I date, he often is the one to encourage me to go out and "have a life". He has a positive male role model in his life (friend of the family). It is my daughter that continues to have the emotional outbursts.
DREaMBOAT: I can ASSURE YOU that I have NEVER felt the need to feel grateful that someone is (willing) to date me. I may have baggage (DIOR) but I also have class and intelligence. Sorry I can't say the same of you.
TEE and GREYHOUND: Thanks for kudos. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 8:57:19 AM | | A cause of a significant amount of relationships (including marriages) failing is because people put their children first. Children should not always be put first. Putting children first ALL the time teaches children that they are most important person and teaches them that the world revolves around them. These children can grow up to be little princes and princess who feel they are entitled to be the #1 and most important person at all times in life, which just is not the case. Now, I am a single mother. My son's NEEDs are the most important thing in our life and will always come first. My son needs a home, food, education, stimulation, nurturing, guidance and some of my time (not ALL of my time). My son's WANTS do not need to be the most important thing in my life. He does not need to be involved in every activity so that I am overstressed, exhausted and have no time to myself. My son understands that I need time without him to see my friends and do my own thing. There is nothing wrong with having someone babysit so that you have time to go out with someone and have a relationship. As a parent, you still need to take care of yourself and have time to yourself. You said your oldest is 13, is she old enough to babysit while you go meet someone for coffee or dinner? Can you arrange that all the kids go and visit friends on a particular weekend, night or afternoon? What about swapping with other parents and doing rotating weekends? Do they have family they can have dinner with while you go out for a few hours? If you really want a relationship with someone, you will make time for them. If I had a guy I was dating tell me that he could only see me everyother weekend (if he didn't have other plans) I would not have a relationship with him. My boyfriend and I have worked our schedules out together to ensure that we have quality time together as compromise is needed by everyone involved. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 9:15:31 AM | If you cant share your life with someone special because you have to put your children first..then perhaps you should consider putting off dating until your children are grown up and on thier own..
Yes...our children will always an important part of our lives.. But you have to realize that they will grow up, and move on to start thier own lives..
I am not trying to judge you or anyone else because you chose to "put your children first" but it wouldnt be fair to any man you wanted to date.
Starting a new relationship is alot of hard work!..You have to have some devotion to getting to know one another and that takes spending time with each other...
How can you condemn a man for wanting that from you?..and by cancelling out on him for what ever reason concerning your children..it gets old and boring after awhile. You can only expect him to understand so much.
Men and women want to be first in that special persons life.....if you cant do that because of your kids..then you just have to accept that and put off dating until you are ready to give as much as you expect in return. | |
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