| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 12:17:44 AM | I'm going through a divorce now because my husband wants children and I'm not able to have any. Once he realized that it was a medical impossibility, he became violent and vindictive and downright rude to me, even though I have no control over it.
I'm trying to understand the importance of having children from a guy's perspective, it might help me make sense of my situation. thanx.  | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 12:21:23 AM | Hope he never fathers a child, given his behavior.
I currently don't want kids so I won't comment further. | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 12:25:58 AM | | Same here, I actually welcome relationships where there are already kids, so the issue doesn't come up later if its long term....I personally don't want to have my own. | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 12:44:07 AM | | There are so many children with no one to love them just waiting to be adopted. You can a adopt a child and love them as if they were your own. | |
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JPeG
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Joined: 4/9/2006
Msg: 5 | |
| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 12:52:33 AM | There are alternatives to having a child with your significant other if these problems come up. For me, unlike the other men who posted so far (nothing against them, of course), I want kids. And while I know adopting is an option, I would like to continue the bloodline. Some people have a stronger sense of this in them then others. For me, I would talk it over and see what options we'd have. If I get married though, I'm in it for the long haul and whatever works is what we'd do. You should marry the person, not the idea. He clearly was married to the idea of wife and kids. Most guys, or at least I, wouldn't pull that. So, I think in your situation is mostly just bad reaction from him than anything.
Kids are important to me because of that strong sense of family. I'm 25 and unattached and have adopted several children though child-aid services overseas / whatnot. I think it's important to help, but I would also like my own.
It's late - sorry for the unorganized answer, but I hope that helps. :)
Cheers.
JPeG | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 12:54:29 AM | | Well, I always see myself having kids eventually. But if my wife, the woman I loved, was unable to have children, then oh well. I would understand that it's not her fault, it's not like she chose it. I wonder how your husband would have responded if he found out that it was his fault that you guys couldn't have kids...what if he had a low sperm count or something...how would he take that? I'm sorry that he was so mean about it. I would say the importance of having children is different from man to man. That is something that should be discussed between the couple. There's other options too...artificial insemination...adoption...or just spoiling your nephews and nieces! So, in summary, the importance of kids varies man to man...some men want to make sure their family name lives on and others don't really care. Sorry there's no definite answer. | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 2:29:06 AM | That guy just sounds like he's a complete psycho. Good riddance to him.
I don't see why adoption wouldn't be a nice lane to drive down. Instead of creating life with some batsh*t insane, violent man, you could be helping a poor young soul who's desperately in need of parents. Everybody wins with adoption. 
I do believe I'm too young to give a real answer to your question, though. I'm not against the idea of having a child, but I'm not going to punch a woman in the face over something she can't control. | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 2:49:14 AM | he doesnt deserve to be a father in any way whatsoever
I agree with a previous post - I want kids but my own - my genetics - if my wife was unable to have them medically then i would adopt and it would not be an issue for me -- its a different story if she was able and decided she didnt want too | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 3:38:53 AM | | someone like that doesnt deserve to have kids, and im sorry to hear of your problem and in someway its probably been a gift to you to get away from him before getting in too deep then realising what he was like | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 6:55:48 AM | I believe that there are people that get hooked into an IDEA more than anything else. When that happens people tend to confuse pure DESIRE (I WANT it soooo BAD) with admirable feelings of love, sacrifice, commitment, etc.. Sounds like your ex is very egotistical and selfish.... The idea that he's hooked into isn't one of having a family, its an idea of Himself.... Not the character traits that I like to see in good parents....
So... I can very much understand the desire to have one's own children, and the complications and complexities of getting pregnant. I've been there and drank that coolaide, although the dynamics of the situation were much different. I wouldn't fault your ex for wanting his own children. BUT -- in the very least he should have been supportive of you and understanding. I'm sure this isn't easy for either of you!
Instead, according to what you wrote, he sounds like an egomaniac searching for something that will give his life meaning. When he doesn't find it -- and he won't find it in having children either -- he lashes out and blames something/somebody else. Shudder.
Overall, I think that someday soon you'll be able to say "good riddance" and that you will find much more fulfilling and rewarding things in life then you ever would by hanging on with someone that doesn't appreciate and respect you. | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 7:00:54 AM | Since all replies so far have been just bashing the guy (rightfully so, but missing the point) but have not addressed your question, allow me to try - from my perspective.
Instinct and emotion.
For the past four or so years I have had a most phenomenal drive to start my own family. Twice now I was in committed relationships where this was a real possibility however the timing was just not good (finishing school). I can not pin-point any single reason in these two cases and so I must simply write it off as primal instinct.
Men who want children are simply following their instinct. Let’s face it; sex is great because the reward system our brains have developed over our history. Nearly our entire biochemistry is organized around prepping us for sex (attraction), causing us to desire sex (the "sex drive"), and then engaging in sexual intercourse (reward). Why are we driven to have sex? Simply the propagation of our species - it is purely "animal".
Okay, so we are only animals but we have another dimension to consider - emotion.
I fully embrace my primal instinct to want a family. I understand that there is some serious "hard-wiring" involved though I can not 'logically' explain it. Enter emotion.
In an attempt to rationalize the (seemingly) irrational desire to have kids I have constructed the emotional idea that having kids would bring great happiness. I 'feel' that to experience life through the eyes of my children would be unlike any emotion I have felt. I imagine all the great memories that we would form, all the ups and the downs. As irrational as it seems, I even embrace the idea of late night-diaper changes, runs to the convenience store for what can only be described as an insane person's recipe for the worlds worst sandwich, having to deal with early mornings after very little (or no) sleep. You see, emotion even causes me to 'desire' all that I know I would normally avoid.
So there you have it. The importance of having children for men is bases (in my opinion) on at least two factors. The first factor is that we are driven by instinct. The second factor is that in an effort to rationalize “instinct” we fabricate emotions which then become attached to the idea of having kids.
Hope this terribly long post helps.  | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 7:02:44 AM | I truly want to have children, and I would be very disappointed if I could not have my significant other give birth.
With that said, I think that he was too. But he chose to take it out on you, even though it wasn't your fault. I suspect that eventually, even if you could give birth, you would have found him to be controlling and unpredictable anyway.
So be happy he's gone, and maybe next time you'll find someone more understanding and less mental. | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 7:14:21 AM | | if children were that important to him he would adopt my mom and dad adopted me because my mom was medically unable your better off without him sweety and he should never have children if he cant love them properly! | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 7:25:33 AM | | Adoption. Child surrogacy (I have a friend who is a surrogate mother)..etc. I'm not saying your husband is like this, but there's probably something else going on..that's just my $0.02... | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 9:13:17 AM | Thank you all for your supportive comments! 
I too want kids, and it broke my heart when I found out I couldn't. To me, adoption wouldn't be the same, but it would be a wonderful alternative under the circumstances. I just don't understand why my husband (soon to be ex) was so committed to having kids of his own and blames me for not being able to. To him, adoption is a cop out and "unnatural". Yes, that is how he describes it!  | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 11:17:34 AM | I would love to have children. And I could never find a better mother for my children than my sweet Mai.
But even if it wasn't possible for one reason or another... that wouldn't change how I feel about her. Sure, I'd be dissapointed. But, while having children is important to me, it's not the end of the world if I can't.
Some people however... just aren't quite right in the head. As is the case with your soon to be ex. They go way overboard with these things. | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 2:52:31 PM | Emily, that's a painful experience. Fortunately, he's not that common.
To try and answer your original question, I suspect that some men have a strong sense of bloodline and of having a son that is of that bloodline. It probably goes back to medieval times when bloodline was everything and was the only way to convey inheritance. Adoption technically interrupts a bloodline and in today's world that is not at all important as being a legal descendant is far more important.
He may have reacted similarly if your union had produced only daughters, nevermind that the male side of the equation determines the gender of the child. Based on your posts I get the impression that he strongly wants a son of his own. | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 3:04:19 PM | | Your husband is a jerk. Why isn't adoption a possibility with him? There are many kids deserving of love, affection and a good home. Just because they aren't technically yours doesn't make them any less important. | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 3:15:12 PM | I really want to have my own children. I think I'd be up for surogate mother if that was a possiblity. I understand how adoption wouldn't be the same. My friend at work is trying to adopt a daughter from China and for whatever reason, the process has drug out another 6 months.
I wish you good luck. | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 3:38:31 PM | Is it completely impossible, or just extremely difficult? My ex has Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and it was a lot of time and medication involved for her to get pregnant. About $4,000, almost a year of a couple different medications, followed by shots and a few other procedures... and she's pregnant. The doctors had said it might not ever happen, but it did... and on the first try even. However, if even that isn't a possibility...
Like Jaemeseroo said, it's an animal instinct that we all have... procreation is still a driving instinct no matter how "civilized" we believe humans have become. It's unfortunate that it sounds like your ex took it to such an extreme. Unfortunately, a lot of other guys look at it this way as well, they just handle it with a little more tact. Invariably, however, it strains relationships to the breaking point. I'm pretty sure it happens the other way too with men who are deemed sterile. It's a tough thing, but that's how most people view family... get married, have kids... your own kids.
On a positive note, you shouldn't have any trouble eventually finding a guy who's fine with your infertility. There are guys out there who are fine with no children, but it sounds like you want children. As a result, you'll probably eventually find yourself focusing on guys who already have their own children or else those who are willing to adopt.
But right now, if I were you, I'd do my best to focus on not letting the fertility issue get you down. It's not easy news to deal with, and the reaction it got from your ex probably could lead to compound the inner turmoil if you let it. Venting is definitely a good way to get that shit out of your system. Call him a b*stard as many times as you need to in order to keep from feeling any sort of guilt. Best of luck. | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 8:47:14 PM | I think that just like for women, it's more important for some than for others. When I married my wife, she had a young son from another relationship, and we never had any kids in our marriage. In hindsight, the stresses we've had in our marriage kept us from having kids, and eventually tore our marriage up.
I can appreciate that finding out that you can't have kids would cause stress in a marriage, but I guess I see a lot of marriages that are stressed. Some make it through, and some don't. I've got an aunt and uncle who lost a son when he was a teenager. That would have torn a lot of marriages apart, but they made it through.
I'd always hoped that when my wife and I felt stress on each of us individually, or on our marriage or family, it would cause us to stand together and pull through our problems together. Us against the world, right? But it didn't happen that way. In our case, stress forced us apart.
So yeah, I think kids are important, but as other people have pointed out, if your marriage is strong enough to work through some trials, there are lots of ways to have a family. | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/16/2006 10:05:49 PM | I'm sorry that happened to you.
Of course, this would have been crushing news to me as well. But his response showed a lack of love, and even self control. | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/17/2006 12:38:45 AM | crikey... I agree with Yahh ROO Giddy Up! A medical impossibility doesn't prevent adoption, or even a surrogate mother. If I couldn't have my own biological kids, I would be happy adopting, but I'd want to do one or the other, rather than nothing. I have a step-daughter... I consider her my daughter... but I still wonder if I would feel different about my own biological child. I hope not... but I still wonder.
My $0.02. :) Good luck to all. | |
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| For guys who want to have children
Posted: 10/17/2006 1:26:07 AM | My personal thoughts on the matter are someday I would love to have children, someday I would love to be a father. But more than that I would want to experience that with someone I love unconditionally. How can you plan to have children with someone and not be able to love the one you are with unconditionally is beyond my logic. Like previous posters have said ‘ I would not want this man having children’ . How violent and vindictive would be become with his child when things didn’t go the way he wanted them to.
When the idea of adoption comes to my mind would I ? Certainly my personal beliefs are you don’t need to create a child biologically to love and nurture them. Personally the thought of adopting a child someday even if I have been able to have children has crossed my mind. What’s more beautiful then giving a human being the chance to grow up in a loving household? | |
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