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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 1:53:38 PM | Oops...Sorry, I originally posted this under the profile reviews forum! So, here goes!!
Hi Everyone, I hope that your not offended by my subject, but I thought it would get your attention!
I am really enjoying reading these forums and I want to comment on a recurring theme. There are so many threads debating when, how and if you should cancel your POF account when you find a significant other. First, I want to share my theory, then I want to share a true life experience that has significantly altered my view of online dating.
My perspective applies mostly to women, but I don't want to exclude any men who might be in a similiar situation. In life, we negotiate many things. We negotiate the price of a new car, the mortgage for our house, credit card interest rates, our salary, when we get vacation...etc. Why is it that when we enter relationships and the world of online dating that we forget to negotiate what is important to us. I am not judging anyone, infact, I speak from experience. My experience has taught me that I will not be intimate with a man until he decides to remove his profile. I will not force him to do this, I will not make ultimatums, get mad, get angry or add him to my favourites so that I can spy on him! LOL! Instead, I will, with the grace of a women, not the innocence of a child, save intimacy for a man who removes his profile and asks that I do the same. I will not remove my profile, until our relationship has been negotiated. Ladies, why do we remove our profiles so soon and then get upset with the men who are still online? What is good for the goose, is good for the gander! He is online, but so are you, and you remain faithful to the person who is truly number one......YOU! If you are only on here for a good time, then continue to do what works for you, but if you truly want something meaningful, its time to think about how you are communicating with the man! Think about it....it must be truly humorous to the man who gets to have you, while you cancel your membership, and he is still online. We teach people how to treat us. Respect yourself, and somewhere, possibly on POF, you will find a man who thinks you are one in a million and he will ask you to cancel your membership because he will not want to share you!
Now, for my real life experience that has allowed me to have this epiphany. Mistakes are only mistakes if you don't learn from them. I have learned!
I have learned, through experience, that a man who has to be asked, commanded, bullied or given an ultimatum to give up his internet dating site, is not a man who is seeking long term. 16 months ago I met a man on lavalife. He was a teacher. We started dating, things got serious and I entered what I thought was a long term relationship. He lived in Toronto, I lived in Brantford. After agreeing to be mutually exclusive with one another, I noticed that his profile was still active on lavalife, and he was online daily. He didn't want to cancel. I gave him an ultimatum, and eventually he cancelled. We dated for 12 months, he bought a house in my hometown and I moved in to take care of it until he got a job here. I sent out his resumes, helped him find a job as a teacher and things were going really well. I was inlove.
One day he asked me to get a phone number out of his little black book. When I opened his book, I found the logins to 5 dating websites. Mate1, Date.ca, Date.com, lemontonic and friendfinder. I know gentleman, please forgive me, I snooped. When I logged on to these 5 websites, all of his accounts were active and he was talking to women from Toronto, to London, and to the US. He had covered the golden triangle. He had been maintaining online cyber relationships with women while dating me. He was promising many women
that he would marry them and move them into his new home, which I was living in. One women had two children, and was selling her furniture, thinking she was moving to Canada. I left him within three weeks, left the house, and found my own place. He moved to Brantford, and thanks to me, is now employed as a full time teacher. To date, he is still on lavalife claiming to live in Toronto, lemontonic and was on POF, playing games with innocent women. He also continues to show up on my doorstep once a month to beg for me back, while asking other women out online. I am thoroughly convinced that this man is a sociopath and that he has no remorse for hurting innocent women. He cuts and pastes the same message in everyone's mailbox..."Wow, I think you are a beautiful women maybe we could do something casual like go out and play pool. Headline..I would love to take you latin dancing.
What I learned from this experience is that if a man needs to be given an ultimatum to leave a dating site, then he is not worth it. Unfortunately this experience was very hurtful. I still believe there are honest people out there, but I will not be intimate with a man until he proves he is worthy! Girls, beware! As for the ex, being a firm believer in karma, I have decided to feel sorry for him. He will never receive true love because he uses women and takes their love, with no remorse.
All the best Girls, I hope you never encounter this terrible person. Take the lesson I learned to heart, keep your legs crossed until he cancels his POF account. Make him earn your respect! Good men out there, continue to shine your greatness on us so that women like me can continue to believe! We love you!
Cheers
Stellagothergroveback...............I am single now, I really did get my grove back! | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 2:06:23 PM | Sorry to hear about your experience, sounds like this guy is a master player. Just be glad you found out sooner rather than later and be thankful you didn't marry this guy. Alot of men use dating sites to cheat, some are married and others in LT relationships. Guess we never know until we actually catch them. Hope things are going good for you now and you find that special someone who stays true to you! Good Luck, they're out there.  | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 2:23:59 PM | I agree with cjnormore. Agreeing to remove their profile, and then coming back after you've removed yours, in a common ploy. They even come back with the same ID. The only way for you to know that though, is to double check on them, have friends watch for them, or worse, have a friend tell you about 'the really nice guy I met in POF'....and it turns out to be your guy hitting on your friend.
Online dating is a crap shoot, and the odds are against us! | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 2:31:22 PM | | Unfortunately, you don't know this, but in my experience, my ex was bold enough to use the same name and profile. He was a cut and paste artist! A true player doesn't want to put much time into these sorts of things! It is a gamble! | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 2:36:58 PM | Well... one has to admire the guy's penache... being able to focus on so many women at the same time.
Me... I can't even handle corresponding with more than one woman at a time. Its not so much me being monogamous to a woman I hadn't even dated yet though... it's more a memory thing - or lack thereof.
It sucks getting old. | |
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ya472
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Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 10 | |
| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 2:39:11 PM | msg #4
But you didn't learn anything about "men." You learned something about THAT man. There's a big difference.
LOL IT is this very denial that allows men to continue to cruise for other women. (ie: My man and I are in love and he doesn't do that! )
The sad thing is... Women will continue to be attracted to narcissistic men, give up their homes, furniture and family, swapping an abusive relationship for their own life and sanity.
This could be a "nice guys finish last" comment, but fortunately where there is smoke, there is fire and where you find ONE rat, there are many more.
WOMEN, if you find a narcissistic guy irresistiblely attractive, there are a hundred other women who also will, and DO YOU THINK THAT GUY IS GOING TO commit to just YOU ???
Of course you do.
LOL
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 2:49:33 PM | Good luck to you.....good for you!! I have a friend that was engaged for three years and spent a lot of money making wedding arrangements...when they were alone one night and she said it's time to talk about deleting his profiles on the personals he is on..and he got so defensive..as if she was asking him to sell all his belongings and live in the desert. "ABSOLUTELY NOT"..he said..This is his entertainment and will not be kowtowed to delete his doorway to the world...she is forcing him to close the door to his friends ( who are females by the way) ..he has been in contact with women all over the world and he would be sad to think that she would make him close his profile and his friendships. She said it was going to be HER and the future plans they have pledged to each other.....or his female friends he will never meet anyway. Well guess what...?? He chose his online friends over a lifetime of happiness with a real live woman..who by the way is a successful business woman and a great cook to boot...if I was a man I WOULD Marry her..!! (jest joking folks) ..anyway..it's a shame that men on here are so hooked on the online relationships they have nurtured that reality takes a back seat....
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 2:53:39 PM |
LOL IT is this very denial that allows men to continue to cruise for other women. (ie: My man and I are in love and he doesn't do that! )
Now, that was just silly. I was going to lecture you, as an older woman, about how self-defeating generalizing is, but checked your profile and see you're even older than I am. Ooops.
Sorry. I stand by what I said. Men. Women. There are all kinds. Good and bad. Lumping the 3.5 billion or so of each gender into two big generic creatures makes no sense.
I'm too opinionated to be convinced otherwise. And I've lived too long, without ever, EVER, having been badly treated by a man, to think the worst when thinking the best has worked so well. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 3:00:09 PM | | I have had good experiences and bad ones in dating. That's LIFE! I get over the bad ones and move on. I don't lump all women in the same bowl because of a few bad eggs. That is how stereotyping gets started. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 3:29:11 PM | Well said Mandrake. There are dishonest, manipulative people of both sexes and sadly, I don't think that'll ever change.
Personally-speaking, if a girl demonstrates that she is worthy of a committed relationship, I wuould gladly remove my profile from any dating site. Using/witholding sex as a barganing chip to get me to do so will simply land her out the door and onto her ass. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 3:46:39 PM | Dear Lord Tyranus,
No where in my thread did I say that sex should be used as a bargaining chip. I am simply stating that women should respect themselves and not give themselves away to the lowest bidder if they are infact looking for something meaningful. As for my viewpoint on saving sex, a man who does not respect my values and my wishes to take things slowly, doesn't stand a chance of having me in his future.
Cheers
Stella | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 3:48:52 PM | I have an opinion on this topic as well! I have also posted a thread about like the OP's post!
I think that when 2 people are serious or decide to be together (stop dating others) that is time to get off the singles sites.
I was met with criticism and opposition from people claiming to be here for the forums only!
I thought to myself, "with all the forums out there why would a non-single want to dwell among singles?" Find a forum under another topic if you are not single!
Several did agree with me, though, stating that from experience the thing to do is give up the singles site altogether!
I strongly say.....if you have someone that means a lot to you, show him/her the respect of removing yourself from such singles activities!
OK, I am bending over, but please be gentle, I still havent healed from MY thread on this topic! | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 3:49:53 PM | Dear Mandrake 48,
Thanks for the response, but just to clarify things, I am not sterotyping. No where did I say that all men are jerks or unworthy. I happen to like men, and I still believe that there are some amazing men out there.
Cheers
Stella | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 4:13:23 PM | "I won't condone cheating or deception. But alot of people of both genders stay on this site for the forums only." Agree with hippy. Also don't condone using sex or anything else as a bargaining chip as someone else mentioned. If that's what you're doing you have a business situation, not a relationship. Business partners negotiate the best deal for them. Partners share their lives, not even a comparison.
If you're suspicious that he's looking around, getting him to take down his profile here or anywhere else isn't going to stop him or her. People are gonna do what they want to do regardless of what you do. They'll just do it when you're not around. Find someone who shows by their actions they're worthy of your trust and quit manipulating. It's very unattractive. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 4:24:01 PM |
I was met with criticism and opposition from people claiming to be here for the forums only! I thought to myself, "with all the forums out there why would a non-single want to dwell among singles?" Find a forum under another topic if you are not single!
No, I won't. It's not about singles, it's about people. I came here when I was looking to date (the short road to insanity that eventually ended happily) and in the year I've been here, I've found a place I fit in and enjoy myself. I won't be looking for some other place to discuss things when everything I like to talk about is right here, as are the people I like to talk about these things with. My fella is 5 minutes away...I'll be here when we live together, I'll be here if/when we marry. I just won't be leaving, unless things get any more boring than they currently are. :)
Oh, my fella said to tell you guys I respect him plenty. 
Dang, why does this topic still blow my mind? Don't people realize that it's damned near impossible to ever reach the end of the internet? If a person wants to deceive, they'll deceive. There's more than one dating site out there, there's a way to have more than one ID/profile, and to think that you can control others by telling them "no forums" (or whatever) means that they won't cheat/deceive is absolutely NUTS. And to think that just because they're online means they'll cheat is equally NUTS. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 4:26:47 PM | | Okay here goes. Go easy on me as it is only my own opinion and I am sharing it, not saying that it is right or wrong. I can honestly say that I am on a few sites right now and if I end up meeting "THE ONE", then there will be a couple of them that I will delete, however I will not be deleting all of them. I would stay on lavalife (ugh) because I like the horoscopes and the articles, and I will stay on POF because-yes yes I really am meaning it-I like the forums. I have also met some really great people on here and a couple of my friends are on here and so am not gonna close that door. I also do not expect that my new man closes his accounts on the sites that he enjoys because lets face it...If he is gonna cheat he is gonna cheat and no amount of policing, spying or checking up on him is gonna stop that. I do have an expectation that there is openness and honesty surrounding this agreement though. I would hope that my new found mate would happily shout out on his profile that he has found someone and I would do the same. When it comes to POF there are a great many couples mixed in to the crew and I still maintain that POF is a different site from others as it offers options for all people in all types of situations and so allows for more room than the proverbial "dating site". | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 4:27:38 PM | OP I am sorry you got burned, I am sure it stings, but do you realize what the premise you are promoting is gonna end up doing? Women complain about being objectified all the time, and you are in fact promoting that behavior, and not only promoting it, but justifying it to boot. You claim not to be coercing anyone, but I am sorry whether the coercion is asserted via word, or passive through silence, it is still coercion. You are in essence putting a pricetag on something that should have no pricetag to begin with. What you are saying quite simply is, "you want this, but I want that, and if I don't get that, you don't get this". Sounds like the Free Market system to me. Since when did love, sex, and intimacy become a commodity to be bartered?
Love, sex and intimacy are supposed to be gifts, not rewards for good behavior. Not prizes to be won, or something that is earned by good behavior. The fact that you objectify such by putting terms and conditions on it, only serves to objectify the "gift", and thus yourself. Last I checked, a gift is something we give freely from our open heart, and what makes a gift so special, is that when we share it or give it, we do so expecting nothing whatsoever in return for doing so. Nothing! No terms, no conditions, nothing.
Perhaps the lesson you should have learned, is to make sure you know a person before you "open your legs" instead of "thinking" you are "entering a long term relationship". Maybe next time you should take steps to ensure you KNOW first, instead of thinking. The very fact that you were with this man for 12 months and had no clue as to his behavior calls to question how attentive you were to your situation, and how much effort you put into knowing this man before you "spread your legs". Even the best "Long Con" artist can't play a con that long without clearly slipping up.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but like so many others who are bitter from being burnt, you have generalized, and put conditions on things that have no business having conditions put on them in the first place, instead of taking a long hard look at where you went wrong, and how you ended up in this situation to begin with. Yeah the guy is a jerk, but you are not some 10 year old girl, you have a head on your shoulders, and the ability to either see what things are, or be led willingly down the garden path. That choice was yours. 12 months spent with him shows that to be the case. Good luck in the future, but before you point finger at others, and suggest others start making either vocal or passive ultimatums in exchange for what should be a gift, perhaps you should start by taking a long hard look in the mirror at yourself. Nuff said.
Have fun ;)! | |
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ya472
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Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 25 | |
| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 10/17/2006 4:41:01 PM | I SAID, "The sad thing is... Women will continue to be attracted to narcissistic men, give up their homes, furniture and family, swapping an abusive relationship for their own life and sanity."
msg#12
She said, "Now, that was just silly. I was going to lecture you, as an older woman, about how self-defeating generalizing is, but checked your profile and see you're even older than I am. Ooops."
Yes, I am older and very frustrated that someone, actually ONE person took my sentence out of context and changed the intent...... Picky picky !!
It is difficult to get along with a person who cannot understand the intent of a simple sentence without running it through a lawyer, an accountant and the etiquette POLICE first.
Yes, "Those women who will continue to be attracted......", and so on... geeeesh...
NO WONDER I AM STILL SINGLE....... but that must be a generalization too.. not the intent !
Edit On Topic... I do not take well to being told what to do, let alone be given an ultimatum. I will remain a member of POF as long as I see value in it, however since I have nothing to hide, my S/O could and would have access if she so chooses. However, I would be extremely upset, if she 'snuck' into my account to 'spy on me'. That could be a deal breaker. "Honey, either you trust me, or YOU DON'T !" | |
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