| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 10:08:22 AM | As a woman, I always want to know, what led to the downfall of your last LT relationship? I don't want to hear any ex bashing, I want to know how you contributed to the downfall and how you feel you have changed or have you? I have heard all the excuses of how the 'other' was at fault, but now I want to know if anyone will honestly fess up to the part they played in the relationship ending?
1. failure to communicate?
2. different priorities?
3. I didn't really know what I wanted
4. I cheated
5. I took the other for granted
6. I gave at the 'office'..lol
7. I didn't make 'special time' for us
Anyone willing to fess up? I double dawg dare ya.
Please remember, this is about your part..it takes courage to admit your part and easy to put the blame on the other. | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 10:18:39 AM | I trusted and was loyal to someone who must have shown me a dozen different ways that I failed to pick up on, that he was completely untrustworthy. He lied and I never questioned. The day I finally discovered what was going on, I realized I had to be the single largest idiot in the universe.
Sometimes I have to be beaten about the head and shoulders with the red flags. It saddens me that I need to be wary. | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 10:23:36 AM | I trusted the one man in this world ....I loved more than myself.
He taught my heart something I never knew was possible. He taught me hatred. | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 10:32:07 AM | sunnyTexas: My ex taught me fairness.....we had an amicable separation and split the house 50/50......only problem with that was ....she got the inside...and i got the outside !! | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 10:36:36 AM | | I knew exactly who and what he was, but I was young (and dumb) enough to think he would change. He didn't. We're on good terms, though, and I wouldn't go back and change a thing. | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 11:23:43 AM | | I kept my mouth shut about things that were bothering me instead of rocking the boat and telling him exactly what was wrong. I was not ready for a committment so soon after my divorce and had a hard time expressing that my SO didn't make me feel stable or comfortable with his own financial situation, and I was fearful of losing my own financial security and independence to bail him out of his difficulities. | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 11:59:39 AM | Thank you for your honesty. Guys...I'd like to hear from you as well. What do you respond when a woman asks you about this? The last guy I asked told me that 'his wife still had feelings for her first husband', however, he had been married to his last wife for over 10 years! Didn't buy that one!
Am I naive in thinking that a man/woman will own up to his/her part in a failed relationship? Are we all just 'victims' of our own choices and hopefully we will choose more wisely next time?
I forgot to mention 'Addictions' as a possible reason for the downfall of a relationship and I know that this can definitely be a legitimate reason.
I just threw this subject out there because it is one of the questions that is important for me to hear answered when considering another relationship. This is not just for the women on POF, I wonder how the men feel as well?
Thanks for taking the time to respond and know that I appreciate reading your responses.
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 12:14:45 PM | Oh I take my share of blame. I gave and gave til there was no more to give. Decided that sucked, so I pack my poop and hit the door. Best thing I ever did. | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 12:20:11 PM | | Moraima, I'm so sorry. That's a grief I'm sure you have to deal with on a totally different level than some of us. You will find true happiness again. | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 12:22:33 PM | Thanks! I have to admit, it took everything in me to write it so it didn't get deleted. LOL. | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 12:36:16 PM | I was in a LTR w/ a man who promised marriage but was so stuck on his daughter & I closed my eyes to his behavior. I should have bailed sooner & been more selfish rather than selfless.
I have no problem now putting me 1st. I admit to being bitter. I was wonderful to him. I deserve someone who will be wonderful to me. I think that at the moment I have no emotional energy to give to any man, as I naively allowed the last one to suck me dry | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 12:39:00 PM | | moraima, I am sorry for your loss. This question was directed to the ppl that have been in a relationship and had it end due to choice and if they have considered the part that they played in it's decline. I have no idea if it is harder to date someone who has lost a SO after a death, or for them to date someone else. I just need to hear a man take some ownership of a failed relationship before I would consider him 'dating material' and wondered if I was alone in this? Do men not wonder about the same thing? | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 1:13:58 PM | 31 year marriage that failed.
Married too young. Expected too much of ourselves as a couple, and not enough of ourselves as individuals.
Determination to hold it together in spite of what we both knew, or perhaps to spite all those others that knew too.
But hey....we get an A for effort, and we have a wonderful divorce!
hmmm....so maybe its not a 31 year marriage that failed, its a 31 year marriage that morphed into something better. | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 1:44:50 PM | Well, lets see. I gave him all I had to give and it still wasnt enough. Sounds familiar.
He moved into my house, with my family. We welcomed him and loved him, and all was very good, I thought, for 1 1/2 years. Then I injured by back and was laid up for a time. He was there for me, took me to dr.apts (as I had trouble driving for a time) . He helped with the upkeep of the house, and the running my kids , who were teens then, around. And with errands, whatnot.
But anyways, as I was saying , I couldnt give him all he wanted.
He stole my identity, set up a PO box, so I wouldnt get the bills, and put me into over 30,000. in debt. But that wasnt quite enough, he also emptied mine and my two kids savings accounts out.
Needless to say I was devistated, this went on for a year. He kept taking out more loans and credit cards to pay on the originals.
I had to get a lawyer to play hardball with him, to pressure him to settle all debts and to pay back a pittance of the cash he stole. With the threat of bringing him up on charges and having him thrown in jail.
My part in the break-up was being niave and trusting a man that appeared trustworthy for 1 1/2 years, before he started tearing my heart out and smashing it to pieces. And the hearts of my kids, who also loved him. We were actually engaged, before all of this happened, I thought I had met the one.
My other part was , when he came to the door , while attorney was calling him and threatening to put him in jail, if funds werent paid by a certain time, I sat on my bed crying and not opening the door. He was trying to get me to drop the pursuit of justice, and let him off scott free. So I guess , since I didnt open the door , hug him and tell him it was ok, that he destroyed me, it was my fault the relationship ended.
And I know some are saying , I should have known. How do you find out, until you find out. Maybe I saw things near the end, but that is what made me start digging. I had to tell my sister what I thought was going on, so she could drive me around to play detective, to find out what the heck was going on in my own house. Sad, I know. But for a long time, I was clueless.
After that, and then the eventual surgery, bit by bit I re-built my life, and my confidence. And I know that all men are not monsters, but this one was. The funny thing is, before meeting him, I had decided not to get involved again. And also said, the only way I would, is if the person could add positive things to mine and my kids life. Boy did I choose wrong. My fault again. LOL
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 1:49:48 PM | ok, this is not Whispein dreams, this is her mom. I have to tell you, I dont know why, but my post is going under her screen name. She is just 21, LOL She was one of the teenagers that lived through the nightmare, she is not going to be happy that went under her post.
this happens to us all the time, does anyone know how I can get it back to my name,LOL
summerbout. | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 1:52:49 PM | Aha, got it. Sorry folks. She does this to me too, we shouldnt both be members of the same site. I figured out how to change will have to tell her. As our responses her being 21 and me being 45, usually arent too similar. Especially in the last one I posted under her name.  | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 2:24:19 PM | No problem OP. I like many other widowed people have since been single for a long period of time. I was posting only to note that not all people in dating land have the same relationship experiences.
However we got to the point in life that we did, taking the time for work on our own happiness is what will get us all to a better place in life. | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 4:33:27 PM | | OP, the supposed reason was that I was 'too old' to have children (though he knew my age when we met, said he had no objections to adoption, and knew I had no objections to invitro, surrogacy, adoption, etc.). So I'd say other than my age, which I have no control over, I didn't play a part in the 'downfall'...though he played a huge part in the pursuit of the relationship. Now, several weeks later I find out that he has a history of dating people and then leaving them, and has been accused of a fear of committment before...so it appears that was his issue all along...and again, I played no part in that as I was happy to take things day to day. | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 5:02:58 PM | | I guess for me it was a combination of not knowing myself and letting my happiness depend on someone else and staying way to long when I knew he wasn't listening or communicating with me. I got into it for all the wrong reasons; thought no one would ever ask me, then jumped at the first offer. We went out on an off for about a year and all the warning signs were there, but I didn't pay any attention. I didn't stand up for myself when I got angry, I just tried to keep the 'peace'. I didn't ask a lot of questions because I was afraid of his anger. When I recognized the elephant in the livingroom, I got some help and with the support of friends and others, I started moving forward. After 2 years of trying to communicate with him and asking him to go with me for counselling and getting zip...I realized that I had tried everything and there was no point in continuing. I have changed in numerous ways. I speak up for myself, I don't let others manipulate me into doing things I don't want to do. If I fall back on old habits, I can always revisit the conversation and tell someone how that felt for me. I have learned how to communicate with others in a non threatening way so as to take ownership of how I feel and not blame them for my reaction. I have learned that there is no such thing as 'over reacting', there is just reacting. How I react to things comes from my background and my experiences and each has their own. I don't have to justify myself to others nor defend myself for having my own opinion. I am grateful for all the lessons I have learned and all the ppl that contributed to my 'learning process'. | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 5:34:10 PM | | Msg 23...you go, girl! I, too, used to walk on eggs when I was younger...I don't anymore. I found that my non-reaction simply fed the situation and nothing changed for the better. When I started reacting as I really felt, things changed for the better. I no longer put up with inconsiderate, unthinking, unfeeling, irresponsible people, in any capacity. I truly believe that no one can do something to you unless you let them...I refuse to let them do things I disagree with or to treat me shabbily anymore. | |
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 6:41:21 PM | Thanks OP for that enlightening response. My downfall has been similar to yours in that because of my background I could not stand up for myself and was a doormat during the 34 year marriage. I have since taken that sign off my forehead that says "abuse me" and with a lot of therapy and support I can stand up for myself now. Hindsight is everything, and if I knew then what I do now, I would have left 30 years earlier, but it didn't happen and I have no regrets. I have 2 wonderful children and 3 grandchildren and they all seem to be doing well.
In spite of what has happened, I don't let it affect my present and/or future. I have learned to put it behind me, and now when/if I meet someone I can stand on my own two feet and be aware of differing personalities. Our past has molded us to what we are now, and I will never forget it but my insight as to how people tick has been enlightened.
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| What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 10/20/2006 7:26:53 PM |
I just need to hear a man take some ownership of a failed relationship before I would consider him 'dating material' and wondered if I was alone in this? Do men not wonder about the same thing?
If a man had no choice or responsibility for the end of a relationship, you would not consider dating him? | |
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