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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Can "Friends with Benefits" turn into a Serious Relationship?      Home login  
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 SpanishTulip
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 1
Can "Friends with Benefits" turn into a Serious Relationship?Page 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
How realistic is it for "friends with benefits" to actually become a serious relationship? I am currently spending a lot of my time with this guy that I use to date for a couple of months (May 2006 & June 2006) then he broke it off because of being scared to commit. We then started seeing each other again in August but as "friends with benefits". We talk every day, spend the weekends together, have nice dinners, see movies, and basically do things that couples in long-term relationship do, but we are not labelled as such.

In the past couple of weeks, I have noticed that we have become closer, in terms of how he relates to me. He feels totally at ease when he's with me. This past weekend, he took me out to celebrate 6 months of knowing each other. And I'm thinking to myself, "do "Friends with Benefits" celebrate such things or could there be a chance that a relationship could develop into something more serious? I really hope so?

I know I could ask him straightout about the status of our relationship but I'm afraid that will freak him out since I know that he has "committment issues". And by bringing this topic up, that might scare him.

So I am wondering "Am I wasting my time on this guy". How realistic is it for a "friends with benefits" relationship to turn into a serious long-term committed relationship?

I should add that besides having fantastic sex, we have a lot of great conversations, and we truly enjoy each other's company. We have shared lot of laughs, and always there to help each other out when the other needs it.
 funaide3
Joined: 6/12/2006
Msg: 2
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 10:57:34 AM
Relationships cant be based on only sex, thats only a part of a relationship.
Ask yourself if he gives himself to you emotionally, physically, and mentally 100 percent, becuse thats what a relationship should be.
 CrabbyPants
Joined: 10/18/2006
Msg: 3
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 11:04:00 AM
relax darlin..
It can turn into love..
What you're doing is called DATING..
you know, the thing you do BEFORE you rent the Uhaul.
Just have FUN!
 a1na2
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 4
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 11:04:56 AM
It can happen but the question is will it happen with you and how much time are you willing to invest in finding this out ?
 mzalleycat
Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 5
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 11:22:16 AM
I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you. Men who don't want relationships, generally "don't want relationships". He's told you what you need to know before, I wouldn't bet on that being changed now. All too often men will tell women who they don't feel are "relationship material", that they are not interested in a relationship (they say this in various different ways). But women don't listen and are still willing to fulfill certain needs for the guy. And since the women are pleasant enough to be around, the guy will hang around until it no longer suits his needs or it isn't fun anymore. It's like he gets to have his cake and eat it too. Every thing will continue to run along smoothly until you rock the boat. As soon as you rock the boat though, you'll see a different tune coming out of him.

My advice, if you want to continue on with the status quo, and hope that things will progress to a relationship, then do so. But if you want an answer, then rock the boat. Either he'll be straight up with you and tell you where he stands, or you'll put an end to it and move on. How much time do you have to invest in this?

Incidentally, this same scenario has happened to me several times now, and each time was the same thing. And when I asked male friends exactly what you are asking now, they all said "he told you where he stood, you just weren't listening". Each time, I made a great friendship with the guy, but that's all it ever became, it never progressed beyond that. My motto now is not to think that there's something there when there isn't. Best thing to do is just to ask where's he's at, that way you can go forward with all the right information. Hope it works out the way you want!
 luckylavender
Joined: 7/26/2006
Msg: 6
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 11:40:40 AM
I am speaking from experience, I stayed in a Friends with Benefits situation for over 3 years. Everytime I felt that we were getting closer to being more than friends, he would have a change of Heart. After changing my email address, and trying to rid myself of the feelings, the BOMB dropped, He (unknowingly) started to email me, with so many lies about his past experiences, I lost all trust in EVERYONE. It has taken me 5 more years to find out that not all are the same. If He runs from committment once he'll do it again. Remember PLENTY OF FISH out there.
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 12:51:56 PM
Whether you label it as such, you are in a relationship.

With the way you are spending time together, your connection, the communication you are definitely building a relationship. FWB do not act this way... an occassional outing may be in order before you get to the benefits part, but not outings such as what you are experiencing. However, I must say I might be talking out of my butt since I have never had a FWB.

Do you feel the need to put a label on what you are experiencing? It sounds to me like you are both enjoying the time you have together, you feel the relationship growing and he seems to be comfortable in how things are now. What would change if you put the relationship label on it?

As long as you both are enjoying it and as long as things continue to grow, why not just enjoy it? You might just be pleasantly surprised by where this ends up.
 Creativguy
Joined: 10/19/2006
Msg: 8
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 2:20:42 PM
If he's truly got commitment issues, and we all do to some degree, then his commitment issues haven't disappeared. They're in him somewhere, just not being triggered right now. He's drawing closer to you lately, is it because you had distanced yourself a bit from him? Something happened to make him want to draw closer. But when something seems to him to indicate "permanency", that's when he'll likely be triggered again - IF he's really got problems with committment. That event could be anything from you drawing closer to him to a family member or friend's death. Hard to tell what to expect without knowing more. Read the book "Men Who Can't Love" and see if anything in there applies to him or not.
 lilblondekitten
Joined: 9/9/2006
Msg: 9
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 2:34:20 PM
I had the same type of relationship (for only a few weeks) with someone I had previously been monogomous with. I made it clear that I did not want us to date other people. He lied about going out with someone else and when I found out it was over. We are friends and the attraction still lingers but I'll be damned to see another chick on his arm, meaning I will not date him if we are not committed to each other. I will not sleep with anybody who is not mine and mine alone. Period.
 suzanne36_lkn
Joined: 4/14/2006
Msg: 10
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 3:13:52 PM
THe big question is, is he seeing other people? If you are a 'friend', then you cant say anything if he actually goes out on a date. And the problem with being FWB's is that you are aware of the other people, and even though you might have the feeling that he would be cheating on you, technically you gave him permission to perceptively 'cheat' by just being his friend. Would he date others if you were his girlfriend? Probably not. Does he feel its ok since you are his friend? Probably so. Personally, I never understood why people cant consider themselves 'dating' instead of just being FWB.

FBW is a mindset as much as a bodyset. If one or both of you feel that way, then thats what it is. Until you get to the point that it is more than that in both your heads, well, dont be brokenhearted when he does find the woman he wants to be in a relationship with.

Good luck...
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 11
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History
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 3:16:50 PM
Many (many) years ago, I had a FWB. He was wonderful. We were basically inseparable because we truly were friends first and the benefits were added much later. After a lenngth of time, we were together one day and he said the dreaded "I love you." That was that. I was mortified. Fortunately, we are once again friends (no benefits) but that just freaked me out. So, in my case, no it wasn't possible to go from FWB to relationship. At least not with that particular person. He's been my one and only FWB, that experience soured me on the whole concept. JMO
 hanalan
Joined: 10/4/2006
Msg: 12
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 3:17:57 PM
Yes it can. Soon after i started uni I met this guy and we got along really well and sat up for a couple of nights talking to the small hours, this then developed into him being a friend with benefits and then into a 3 and 3/4 year relationship. All went horribly wrong in the end and still trying to get over it but for that time it was great and it wasn't the way we started that was the reason that we spli up.
 trainerhere
Joined: 7/31/2006
Msg: 13
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 3:25:51 PM
My longest relationship started with friends with benefits. So in my opinion just be honest about your feelings. You can never fault yourself for being honest.
 Puppy_Love
Joined: 11/3/2004
Msg: 14
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 3:29:17 PM

SPANISHTULIP: In the past couple of weeks, I have noticed that we have become closer, in terms of how he relates to me. He feels totally at ease when he's with me. This past weekend, he took me out to celebrate 6 months of knowing each other. And I'm thinking to myself, "do "Friends with Benefits" celebrate such things or could there be a chance that a relationship could develop into something more serious? I really hope so?


Women often see what they want to see. Do you honestly think you can change a man from a friends with benefits into a Long Term Relationship?
 xamo
Joined: 3/24/2006
Msg: 15
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 3:30:37 PM
Weather or not that's "the best human interaction" is obviously only an opinion. It seems to definately be what you (above) prefer, but maybe it isn't enough for you (OP). I think it can, any kind of relationship can change into anything, but itr eally depends on the sincerity and desires of both of you. The big difference in these "kinds/types" of relationships is that both always have the right to ignore caring for or about the thought, hopes and feelings of the other person before themselves....its the nature of the relationship, you both are using the other to satisfy something (not necessarily sex) because there is no romantic love or the threat of sacrifice. So it definately can, but even more definately it is not expected or encouraged by the dynamic of it. good luck, both to the OP in her situation, and dude above on finding that.
 RedSeaPirate
Joined: 6/8/2006
Msg: 16
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 3:43:42 PM
I have no idea if this is bad advice or not but here goes...

If you don't want to freak him out but you want to find out how he feels about you...

Tell him some guy has invited you out for a drink. If he gets upset, then you can ask him about what he feels about commitment.

If he says, "have fun"... keep looking... He may or may not come around.

I know games like this are petty but it's one way to open his eyes. He might just think he has you all wrapped up until he's done with you.

Is he dating other women on the side that you know? If no, then it wouldn't be inappropriate to just ask him how he feels about you. If you want something more, you should be up front about it. Asking after knowing him for a month or two might be a little early but after 6 months? You shouldn't have to play games like the one I suggested. Just talk to him. If he freaks out... That's the chance you have to take. Better to find out sooner than later. Don't waste your time looking for something that won't happen.
 DJ_Amish
Joined: 7/20/2006
Msg: 17
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 4:03:18 PM
no you should totally give up on him and go out with me :)
 Goodhearted Man
Joined: 9/16/2006
Msg: 18
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 4:30:58 PM
I couldn't do the FWB thing. I have to agree with lilblondekitten, I couldn't and won't sleep with or be intimate with someone unless we were in either an actual bf/gf monogamous type relationship or if we both know we want it to go that way. I form attachments too easily for it too be any different.
 Mominatrix
Joined: 7/5/2006
Msg: 19
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History
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 5:15:57 PM
So far, I have not been able to figure out what the benefits are, in the FWB relationship. I find the whole idea of someone not considering you "relationship material" but still wanting to have sex with you, more than just a tad demeaning.
 tballin
Joined: 8/30/2006
Msg: 20
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 5:25:27 PM
well, my 2 cents are as follows:

It all depends on how you want it to be. If, in the end, a relationship other than "friends with benefits" you need to be honest with yourself and with him. If he decides it is not what he wants, then the ball is in your court. You seem like a nice person, and you are a very attractive lady. You shouldnt have any problems snagging another fish..

word!
 AREALANGEL
Joined: 2/5/2006
Msg: 21
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 5:29:07 PM
Some guys have been hurt and require TIME to tell if it's real or not...especially on sites like these...when relationships are gone within a year or less..
 n-r-gizer bunny
Joined: 2/17/2006
Msg: 22
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 5:31:57 PM
First thought that comes to mind ... Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
 serendipity_80
Joined: 10/18/2006
Msg: 23
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History
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 5:43:26 PM
I found myself in a similar situation. My best friend and I had dated for three months, and then he left to go to school 8 hours away. I would go visit, or he would come home for holidays. . .and we always ended up hooking up. I am deeply in love with him, but he was always looking for someone at school. He still told me that he loved me. . .he still talked to me every night for anywhere between a half-hour and three hours. He told me everything that was going on in his life. . .but, even though I tried to convince myself that he needed to feel as though he had space. . .I knew that he was always on the prowl. There were a few times that I got phone calls telling me that he had kissed another girl, but he always came back to me. . .until he went back to school this fall--. . .after a summer home together, where I felt that we grew closer than we'd ever been before, yeah, the sex was amazing. . .but we never went a day without talking. . .I spent the summer getting to know his parents and sisters and grandparents. . .--when he called me to tell me that he had a girlfriend . . .that he'd known her for four days, and that he was in love. He said he hoped we could still be friends. . .since he thought of me as his best friend, and couldn't wait for me to meet her. . .as he was certain I would like her since she and I had so much in common.


Your situation doesn't seem exactly the same. . .maybe your guy doesn't have a roving eye. But perhaps sometimes guys that don't want to declare relationship status. . .do it because they don't want to appear to be in a relationship when Miss Maybe-She's-The-One shows up?

It's been almost two months and I rarely go a day without crying. . .I would never wish this kind of heartache on anyone. Remember, until you have a family--your own happiness is paramount. I hope that everything works out to your happiness *hug*
 *handyman*
Joined: 10/6/2006
Msg: 24
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 8:01:57 PM
Friends ........ sex .......... think about it ? You like them and you like the hot and sweaty stuff so why not ? pretty soon you might be best friends having sex and that would equate to soul mate material wouldn't it ?
 Mominatrix
Joined: 7/5/2006
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/25/2006 9:30:50 PM

First thought that comes to mind ... Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?


My mom used to say that!
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