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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/26/2006 6:51:20 PM | It's not just being middle aged that causes it. I contend that most don't really mean it when they say seeking 'down to earth', 'nice', 'personality', 'good sense of humor', etc. etc. etc.
People look at pics (doesn't matter that a lot are outdated and makes the person look younger)...and, if the attraction to the picture isn't there, it's a no go. IF folks are really honest, that is what's going on.
I'm saying this totally unbiased because I get a lot of emails based on my pics, which are very recent, so I'm not a bitter person saying what I have. To me, it's just plain dumb to put so much weight on the pictures or age, if that is the case.
Gonna be a lot of lonely, depressed people later on still waiting on that 20, 30something barbie/ken. Their loss and I won't feel sorry for em either. That may sound cold and hard, but, facts are facts. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/26/2006 8:01:11 PM | Because we are much more cautious....so red flags go up much sooner, and we know what we can live with and what we can't compromise on.....
Most of us have been alone and many of us don't mind it at all, so if a relationship starts becoming too much trouble, we'll just be alone once more.....
Add homes, jobs and children to a relationship and it gets even stickier... | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/27/2006 2:16:11 AM | I was pondering this question too.
I fnd that the guys I am interested in only want to have fun and the ones that are interested in me and want a relationship are not my type for one reason or another, maybe we just get too choosy as we get older?..having said that there are one or two hopefulls at the moment! | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/27/2006 6:16:19 AM | | I think it is a good thing that we find it hard to find a relationship when 45+. It means that we aren't dependant on being in a relationship, and aren't willing to waste time with people that we know won't make us want to be with them. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/27/2006 7:05:42 AM | Finding a healthy relationship is difficult at any age. As we age we become more concerned with health issues and realize that we've made poor health choices in the past. When the illusions of youth wear off one has a clearer understanding of the bad choices from the past and the recognition of self in those choices. The self-immage is then one of making poor choices and it becomes difficult to make choices in fear of new mistakes.
To avoid the fear of mistakes, we develop patterns and belief systems about the self that serve to help us from seeing the fear of self.
Now it's a 50-50 chance you may choose to take a chance at establishing a relationship and find it might be another mistake.
You'll learn from mistakes, so , you'll need to make as many as possible...... | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/27/2006 8:10:46 AM | wow mac......i got lost in that......must be too late at night to concentrate...
Moraima I agree....but I also yearn for the closeness that comes of being in a relationship with a lovely man......
And why is it so hard??...Maybe because we are not as blown away by the hormones....we are not as easily swayed by peer pressure and the "done thing" and we are more particular and yet still waiting for the ideal??
Or maybe it is as jerry and peresphone say.......
I dont know......but I'd like it to be a little easier.....!!!
Sue | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/27/2006 8:36:50 AM | I think it has to do with what choices are available to us.
Most of us would be thrilled to meet someone with whom we could relate and have chemistry with. Relating isn't as easy as it was when we were very young. At the time we left school most of us had a clean slate. That is no longer true. Our slates are now full of life experiences that tell us what paths we don't want to go down.
We no longer have multiple choices of people coming into our lives. I respect that people have interest that are very different from mine. I respect them and myself enough to know we wouldn't much enjoy being with someone who's interests we didn't enjoy.
Then comes chemistry which is either there or it is not. We can meet someone who we relate to and have fun with, but we can't imagine having an intimate relationship with because of lack of chemistry. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/27/2006 12:07:04 PM | Some call it more 'picky', some more refined. As someone mentioned before, experiences shaped us into what we have become and at the same time projected the "silhouette" of who we are looking for. Silhouette that being put under the spot light will show the true colours, hopefully m a t c h i n g colours | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/27/2006 12:37:50 PM | Demographics are the reason why it's so hard to find a relationship when one is middle-aged. Simply speaking, there are fewer fish in the pond.
Let's start with a hypothetical population of 100 males and 100 females, all 20 years old.
Statistically speaking, 15% of them will be homosexual, so we are down to 85 heterosexual males and 85 heterosexual females. A certain percentage of them won’t want to get married for whatever reason: abuse as children, careers, etc. So let’s knock off 5 males and 5 females for that – so we’re down to 70 each.
Now, assume these 70 pair off, start to have children, and build their lives. We know that at least 50% of these marriages will end in divorce, so we are back up to 35 single males and 35 single females as they enter middle age.
But there is a big difference now that they are no longer in their 20s. These people are sometimes wiser, and sometimes not. Among this group there will be a high percentage who will never want to get married again. Of those that do want to remarry, a high percentage will bring so much baggage from their first marriage into their second, about 75% of these second marriages will fail.
Adding to the problem is that small issues – excessive drinking, drug use, eating, etc. – can spiral out of control as people enter into their middle ages, greatly reducing their chances of finding a partner. Not to mention that some of our original 100 people will die for a variety of reasons – disease, accidents and stuff.
By the time our original population reaches the age of, say, 45, only about 10 men and ten women will be physically and emotionally healthy enough to develop a relationship that works. So the odds aren’t good, but they’re much better than winning the lottery. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/27/2006 6:51:25 PM | For me its harder because I know what I don't want, Been there done that, and because I am hoping it will be the last relationship I have. I am not willing to seattle for just anyone. I am more pickier now. Where as in my youth, I knew I had plenty of time to find a mate. Now that I am middle aged. I have a lot of things going against me age,weight, ex-husband. and I may have all that against me, but I am still not willing to seattle for anyone that winks and eye. Does that make sense? Who knows, maybe at my age I am rambling | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/28/2006 10:26:12 AM | I'm gonna be 52 in December, and I've been single for a good many years...by choice. I,too, know what I don't want, but I also know what I hope to find. Maybe too picky, maybe too choosy. But for years I've been trying to find that "special" one where she'll light up the room, any room, when she enters. That person that makes me feel more in love with her today, than I felt yesterday. Maybe I set expectations too high. But I refuse to settle for second best.
Figure, approaching 52, I've been single this long, I can wait until I find that "special" one. Maybe we'll meet, and maybe I'm holding out for wishful thinking. Regardless, times aren't like they were when I was younger. And no matter how I feel about myself, which I feel confident, I also have to face the fact that some just don't feel the attraction. And to them... it's purely their loss. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/28/2006 2:58:49 PM | | Because by the time we reach our 40's and 50's we've probably had a couple of marriages or other failed relationships. We're more aware of what we're willing to put up with than when we were in our 20's simply because life has taught us many lessons. We've got dealbreakers a mile long; some people get set in their ways or just get used to being alone and discover they're fine like that and don't really want to step outside their comfort zones. Maybe it's fear of getting hurt or multiple other reasons. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/28/2006 3:38:51 PM | Approaching 52???? Honey you still got it made. Now take me. I have just turned 70, to me that is middle aged. 40-50-60 your still young.
The men I have met think, " Man here is an old geezer that's needs a man, so I will do her the honor of taking her for coffee and then jump in bed with her" Whooooa. that's not what older people think, not for any stretch of the imagination. What we are looking for is the same a person of 40-50-60 is looking for.
Some one to be with. To go places with. We are old, but we are not dead.
Most of us have had very happy marriages. I know I did. And I am not looking for some one to fill my late husbands shoes. I want some on on their own merits.
Perhaps I expect too much from a man. I expect honesty, truthfulness, kindness. But men don't seem to possess that kind of character. Ohhhhh! they say they do, but when you get down to the nitty gritty they don't have the faintest idea what they are. And we of a greater age just will not accept that.
We have been alone, well some of us have, for a long time, my self 20 years, and we are happy with it. We just want to widen our circle of friends.
But you know what, some of you youngsters out there ( 50-60 ) are missing out on a lot.
Just remember that some day you will be where we are and you will still be looking for that knight in shinning armour to come ridding in on his white horse. Or you will still be waiting for that hot little chick with the knocked out body to fall in your arms and promise you the world. Take a little advice----it ain't gonna happen.
You know what you;'ll find. the knight will have a lame horse and the hot little chick is going to have three or four kids hanging on to her. Then where will you be. Still looking. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/28/2006 4:22:10 PM | I have been alone for 13 years now. Only had one serious relationship during that time. The relationship ran it's course, and now it has been almost 6 years since I have had a relationship. Certainly, if I had met someone that interested me, and could put up with me, I would have committed to a relationship. In the last 6 years, there have been a handful that I have made it to the 3rd. date with, and known that I didn't want a fourth date. (FYI I don't believe in the 3rd. date rule )
I look around and see people in less than happy relationships, and know that isn't for me.
Better to be alone, than lonely with someone else in your life.
It wouldn't suprise me if there are no more relationships in my future. While I hope I do meet someone, but if I don't, I will enjoy the years I have left anyway. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/28/2006 4:25:34 PM | I think most people who posted summed it up pretty good. We are older and wiser. We have learned a lot about ourselves and what we want and don't want. We won't settle and shouldn't settle.
Because by the time we reach our 40's and 50's we've probably had a couple of marriages or other failed relationships. We're more aware of what we're willing to put up with than when we were in our 20's simply because life has taught us many lessons. We've got dealbreakers a mile long; some people get set in their ways or just get used to being alone and discover they're fine like that and don't really want to step outside their comfort zones. Maybe it's fear of getting hurt or multiple other reasons.
I agree with tinydancer.
I think that many of us, consciously and/or unconsciously, put up a wall that is hard to break down. How can we expect our potential partner to try and break down that wall when they or even ourselves don't even know that there is a wall?
I sometimes feel like I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life, which is not what I really want, but I have to be realistic and know that I don't always get what I want.
What's meant to be is meant to be. | |
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