| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/26/2006 8:38:37 PM | Although it was instant attraction, we met at a very bad time in his life. He was separated and getting a divorced. His divorce was getting very nasty. His soon-to-be ex found out about me and was threatening to drag me into court. We stopped seeing each other.
We completely lost contact and I eventually started dating someone from work. By the time my love was divorced, and tried to contact me, it was two years later and I was living with a man. I got pregnant. He met a woman and moved to Oregon. I moved back in with my Mom when my baby was 4 years old.
He started calling me again shortly after. He was still in Oregon, but single and with a business of his own and doing well. He was from Memphis and I, Batesville. He flew in a few times and we spent the weekend together. The last time was during the Christmas holidays. It was just like we picked up where we left off. I was planning to fly to Oregon in the summer.
On his birthday, which was in April, some of his buddies threw him a party and hired a stripper. He was very drunk and slept with her. He got more than he bargained for...
genital herpes! Before that, we were talking on the phone and e-mailing and chatting regularly, then all of a sudden, I didn't hear from him. I didn't understand, and later, he explained to me about his condition. He just assumed I wouldn't want to marry him still and frankly, I was freaked out and really didn't want to be with him anymore.
We didn't talk for a while. Then slowly, we started calling each other. Neither of us could really forget about each other. Now, he has started asking me to come to Oregon again. The herpes issue really hasn't came up. It's like we're pretending it doesn't exist.
This relationship started in 1993. The truth is, we still love each other. What would YOU do? | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/26/2006 8:45:04 PM | Take the time to give yourself knowledge of the condition so you are armed with everything you need to know, and make the choice as to how strong you feel your love truly is.
To me, true love is true love, and unless it was something I could die from, nothing could take me away from the person I felt so strong about | |
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ya472
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Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 4 | |
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/26/2006 8:47:02 PM | This relationship started in 1993. The truth is, we still love each other.
First of all, you CANNOT speak for him. You REALLY don't know if he loves you, or just enjoys your company.
Second. There is a ton of information on Genital Herpes. It might be in your best interest to educate yourself.
Third: Do whatever you want, but accept the responsiblity for your decision.
No one else really cares. (or, It isn't anyone else's business) whichever statement you prefer.
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/26/2006 8:52:53 PM | I'll take the medical rather than the love prespective. The last statistic I read was 1 in 3 adults in the world were HSV-2 positive, and 1 in 5 in Canada were HSV-2 positive. It's waaaay more prevalent than people like to pretend. It's a life-long infection but manageable with medication. It's more annoying than lethal and is rarely debilitating.
But it is highly infectious and transmissable, and precautions must be taken for pregnant women, etc. It can also be very painful on the primary infection. | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/26/2006 8:53:46 PM | I am always one for true love and it seems you found it, but at a price......
I am not a doctor nor a physician, so my first and very first (And should really be only in this situation) advice would be to seek a professional who knows about herpies. I believe (Not too sure) that there are different types of herpies and some are mild and some are well....bad. First you need to find out what type he has, secondly you need to ask your physician if it's seriously bad or tolerably bad or etc.
Now since you directly requested personal advice....... I will say stick with him, but don't do anything sexually physical until you learned from a professional physician about the condition and everything. If the risk is mild or if it's mild or etc. and your willing to go farther.....than it's your choice to do what you want.
although I would suggest not having his child if it's serious...., because babies can get the virus or what ever....... | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/26/2006 9:23:07 PM | "This relationship started in 1993. The truth is, we still love each other. What would YOU do?"
Well, since you asked....
*I* would *not* pursue a romantic relationship with someone who has an STD or infection. I would move on, get over the feelings and, when ready, find someone else. Just from what you've written, though, he seems like a good guy based on the fact that he's honest about his condition.
Fantastic! There's a good friend for you and no one can have too many good friends. Personally, I would limit it to that.
In this day and age of 50+ percent divorce rates and revolving door live-in relationships, why pursue the relationship - and the high probability of genital herpes infection that would come with it - and risk having a permanent medical condition for what could be a temporary relationship?
I guess the question I'd ask is this: are your current emotions important enough to assume a high risk of getting a permanent STD? Is any boyfriend/girlfriend worth that?
I say "no", but that's just my opinion. | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/26/2006 9:30:32 PM | | Herpes can be controlled by medication. It's unpleasant when it flares up but does not kill you. If love is there you should not let a tiny virus get in each others way. | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/26/2006 9:41:13 PM | Don't listen to the idiots talking about the drama in your life. This kind of drama sells, and they are probably standing in line to buy the book.
Stick with the guy. Like the others said, educate yourself and take precautions. Please! This is 2006 people! Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of people have baggage...this kind of baggage is treatable. Just today I heard that Cookie & Magic were on Oprah, and they claim their marriage has gotten stronger since he was diagnosed with HIV...and HIV is like apples and oranges with herpes. My goodness. Some people can be so ignorant (not the original poster - in fact, kudos to you for even asking) | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/26/2006 9:45:58 PM | | Many good comments here. Learn about it, I dated a woman with genital herpes, but I informed myself and we worked through it. It may be different, in the long term, but I didn't get it, because she was honest and I was informed... | |
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e-wok
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Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 12 | |
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/26/2006 11:03:52 PM | What would YOU do?
Would I allow myself to be infected for the sake of sex? No, only
because there's no assurance this will be the last relationship
you'll have. Besides, the relationship broke off before and
it could again and then you're stuck with this annoying disease. | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/26/2006 11:22:13 PM | A friend of mine contracted Herpes, and I told her I would call some hotlines and do some research for her (she is really shy). They walked me through alot of information as though I had herpes, and told me that it is very managable if you take precautions. But lets face it, if you marry this guy condoms wont be used all the time.
I suggest seeing where it goes and being smart about it. He sounds like an amazing guy if he told you the truth. | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/26/2006 11:31:24 PM | | How about taking care of your kid? Ever hear about the pain and misery kids go through because their parents are jumping from partner to partner? ahhhh, who gives a damn... | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 2:49:07 AM | Haven't you all heard of CONDOMS? geez..it's in all the stores for a few bucks..if he L OOOOVES you he will wear condoms....don't settle for ..."it's uncomfortable"....use protection...k? Peace out | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 6:15:16 AM |
Haven't you all heard of CONDOMS? geez..it's in all the stores for a few bucks..if he L OOOOVES you he will wear condoms....don't settle for ..."it's uncomfortable"....use protection...k? Peace out
From what I understand about genital herpes, condoms won't stop the spread of it. It would seem to me, that there would be too much other body contact down there, not just on the parts covered by a condom.
OP, honestly after reading your post, herpes seems to be the least of the problems between the two of you. | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 6:22:49 AM | He flew in a few times and we spent the weekend together. The last time was during the Christmas holidays. It was just like we picked up where we left off. I was planning to fly to Oregon in the summer.
On his birthday, which was in April, some of his buddies threw him a party and hired a stripper. He was very drunk and slept with her. He got more than he bargained for...
genital herpes! Before that, we were talking on the phone and e-mailing and chatting regularly, then all of a sudden, I didn't hear from him. I didn't understand, and later, he explained to me about his condition. He just assumed I wouldn't want to marry him still and frankly, I was freaked out and really didn't want to be with him anymore.
He had unprotected sex with a stripper while the two of you were in regular contact and making plans to be together again, and you're asking if you should be with him? Forget the fact that he has an STD ... what about the action that resulted in it? The fact that he was very drunk is no excuse.
I wouldn't be with him. | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 6:29:56 AM | I agree that the herpes doesn't seem to be the biggest problem in this relationship. The fact that he had *unprotected* sex with a stripper and tried to explain it by saying he figured you wouldn't marry him anyway should be a huge red flag on it's own.
however many people have herpes, there is no cure and outbreaks can be frequent. It's always best to practice safer sex (eventhough condoms don't protect you fully, some protection is always better than nothing at all) , make sure you don't have sex with him while he has an active outbreak with lesions/blisters and monitor your own health for signs and symptoms of the infection yourself.
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 6:36:25 AM | You start dating someone-get to know them-develop strong feelings for that person. You want to take things to the next level but you want to be honest and truthful before that.
You must give the other person all of the facts and let them decide if they want to see you any further. If you are really into someone the fact that they have this STD should not effect the way you feel about them.
Who knows how they got it. Yes-some people get STD's from sleeping around and being stupid but then there are others that get it from say a rape or a cheating boyfriend/husband.
You cannot pre-judge and just because they have this issue it will never change who they are or the feelings that you have developed for them.
Come on people this STD is not deadly- you just need to be careful that's all. It is good that he was honest with you.
So stay honest and keep informed. | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 6:42:29 AM | I'm not going to touch this question with a ten foot poll  sorry a little humor.
I'd start asking myself if it's really love because I don't think you can still love a person you met in 1993. You can fall in love with that person AGAIN but that's 13 years you both have changed considerably. Well, at least most people would have. Ask yourself is this love or LUST? Do you really know the person he is TODAY or the person he was 13 years ago. Based on the way this question is worded you haven't spent any significant time together in a very long time. I'd start examining my feelings and the real state of the relationship BEFORE I even started to worry about herpes. | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 6:47:05 AM | Let's see now, he catches up with you at christmas and wants things to work, then sleeps with a stripper in August and catches herpes? Oh, that's right, he WAS drunk. Silly me dohh!
I would not be with anyone who had an std full stop. I couldn't give a rat's a*** how they got it, but i can assure you if i knew about it i would not be sleeping with them.   | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 7:41:19 AM | How do you know it was a stripper he caught it from? How do you know it was a one-night stand? How do you know he loves you? How do you know you love him?
I think the person who mentioned that your lives are full of drama perhaps wasn't meaning it as a compliment - more as a comment on the whole thing. It's possible that for whatever reason you don't want an uncomplicated relationship with a man who is there for you, doesn't cheat and hasn't got an STI. Sometimes we make our lives difficult for lots of reasons.
THere's truth in all the replies. I'm single. I wouldn't knowingly get involved with someone with an STD for the reasons others have given - however, if I was involved with someone and they then contracted one, if [IF!] I believed their account and was content with it (why are you accepting of his story?) I wouldn't necessarily finish with them.
But maybe he's always had herpes and decided he ought to tell you, and made this whole thing up to cover having lied. You really don't know the truth and that's what would make me run in your place.
OH - and I would ALWAYS finish with someone if I knew they had lied about having an STI. Yes, it's great he told you. But maybe you guys had already had unprotected sex and he suddenly realised he'd better have a cover story..? | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 8:43:28 AM | Well, thank you all for your responses.
I will try to answer all your questions.
First of all, I dont' think he is lying to me about anything, because he has always been honest with me in the past.
And yes, I did meet him and fall in love with him in 1993 and that was a long time ago, we both have changed I'm sure, but we still know each other well. We were never totally out of touch for long. We've been talking on the phone and e-mailing pretty regularly since 2003. I hear from him on the average about 3 or 4 times a week. Often we send each other text messages.
As for being informed, believe me, I've done the research. That is the first thing I did, after I recovered from the shock! I know that there are many medicines on the market that will significantly decrease the chances of a break out, and the chances of passing it on.
I also know that it doesn't affect any two people exactly the same. It may be way worse for someone than the next person, and just because it isn't bothering him much, that doesn't mean it won't affect me in a bad way.
I know that no matter how careful we are, if I married him, sooner or later, I'd probably get it. So, I have to ask myself if I am willing to accept this fate.
And for those of you that thought I might be stupid enough to have casual sex with him without a committment... Wrong!
The only way I would ever have sex with him would be if he wanted to make a lifetime committment, to marry me. And he does want to. He has bought a new house, with a room for my son, and an office for me, and is willing to send us plane tickets and the whole works to help us move up there. I'd say he is definitely serious. What do you think?
Still, it it worth it? I think a lot of times that he could have just kept it from me and married me a couple of years ago, said he got it from a toilet seat, and I probably wouldn't have divorced him over it. But he was honest with me. That means a lot.
And about the stripper. Yes, it IS bad that that happened while we were talking on the phone and planning a future together, but I really didn't expect him to be celebate until we actually got together. Let's face it, we are 2000 miles apart and weren't getting together very often and we both have a high sex drive. If he had just told me he got with a stripper and he was disease free, I'd be over that by now!
I know in my heart that if we were together on a daily basis, he would be true to me.
But now, he is NOT disease free, and I have a huge decision to make.
I've been to the Herpes message boards, I've heard their stories, and one that sticks in my mind of of a couple that had herpes for years due to an infidelity, but worked through it. And on their son's 16th birthday, they bought him a motorcycle and he was so excited that he kissed his Momma on the mouth, at the time she was having a breakout, and contracted the disease. That scares the hell out of me!
Comments??? | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 11:03:17 AM | Only you can decide where you go with this.
However, it does seem to me that you have so many misgivings about it that you are not at peace with yourself. At the risk of sounding very New-Agey (ok, maybe I am, a little!) I can only say, I have two grown daughters and I have taught them to listen to their instincts and go with them. The worst that can happen that way is that one misses out on things through over-caution. And that CAN be a bad 'worst'. However, if you listen to your instincts in life, you will rarely go through with a decision which makes your life a misery; everyone testifies to having 'ignored that niggle' at their peril at some point.
I truly believe we are equipped with the resources to make such decisions, but it is never easy. He sounds like a great guy but... well, here you are even so, with your misgivings.
Nobody on here would presume to make your decision for you (I hope). But I would urge you to look at how much you've invested in asking advice from strangers. Usually we do that when we're not happy with our own decisions and are secretly hoping someone can explain why.
One thing you can try which sometimes works is, toss a coin and say to yourself, "If it's heads, I stay with him." Give yourself three throws. Note your emotions as it falls. Are you relieved it's heads? Or that it's tails? Do you find yourself hoping that the third throw will make the decision that you stay with him, or are you thinking, "Maybe I should have another three throws..."?
Whatever, I wish you well with your decision. Unfortunately, fears for your health are perfectly rational. (I hope some of the people who see no need for barrier contraception are reading this.) Only you can know if he's worth it. I certainly wouldn't continue unless you are absolutely convinced that he is, even if you contract herpes. | |
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