| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story (locked)
Posted: 3/24/2005 5:59:24 PM | | i was born april 02, 1972 on an easter sunday i was 2 months premature my lungs collapsed my heart wasn't beating when i arrived at the hospital and my parents were told there was little hope that i'd servive and should i over come the over whelming odds against me i'd live in a vegatative state my whole life well i over came this very rocky start , (i just wish i could tell the doctors who gave me almost no chance that i'm a servivor) i had water on the brain which at that time was not something they yet could identify i was 2.16 pounds and again at that time was rare for serviving my head was the biggest part of my body and i spent my first 3 or 4 months sleeping in a shoe box i had a double hernia operation when i was about 7 months old and i was almost always sick for the first year any way but i did what said couldn't be done i made it though it was a strain on my parents they never gave up on me . well i'll leave it here but i will be telling you more about me some will make you laugh some may make you cry but for those who want to know it will be here | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 3/24/2005 6:13:07 PM | | 2 of my babies were preemies. the least of which (or greater in my book) was 2 lbs 2 oz. I held her in one hand , and the stuffed animal i bought for her was bigger than she was at 6 months gestation. she's healthy now........... are you ? | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 3/25/2005 12:05:44 PM | thanx for asking and yes i'm pretty healthy though i do have some problems there nothing major and i deal with them well enough .
though i'm writing about my life most may be bored to tears with it but the reason i do write about my life is because i believe it may be of help to some who may have similiar back grounds and have trouble getting thru pain and abuse of coursei haven't yet covered the abuse i've suffered on here i will and my life has as every ones has , has some really funny stuff in it i'm basically going to just do a summery because i haven't the skill to write in story form so i help i help at least one person because if i help one person then i've done something helpful but for now i've got to get some other stuff done so until next time take care | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 3/25/2005 3:28:29 PM | | growing up in my family was very difficult i had a father who thought it was ok to beat my mom and two brothers who were abusive to me and my sisters one just physically abusive and the other both physically abusive and sexually abusive though that of course isn't the end of the list i'd be put thru my dads bouts of beating and berating of my mom which ended up sending her to what tehn was called damage if memory serves me she should have left him back then and his two sons from another marriege but truth be told my dad died twice the basterd that was my dad and the best friend who i grew to love and respect as for my brothers well i care about them and wish them nothing but the best all the torment and abuse i suffered for almost 10 years (non-stop) i might add was painful but i think i came thru it maybe not whole but stronger in many ways of course it wasn't till my mid twenties until i began to really get a grip on my past of course there was a time i would have lied and said i had a wonderful childhood there were a few good moments but for the most part i hated being a kid i at the time thought that this was some how my fault and that i deserved the abuse so i was a very angry and violent child my dad used to tell me to defend my two sisters at all times so i tended to walk alot to school as i'd get kicked off the bus every time i'd be allowed back on so life continues and there really is so much more to my childhood just most of it i for the longest time was very good at forgetting but now i try to look back and its so very hazy i thought i would be able to do this but it seems i've lost alot of my childhood though if i think long and hard i remember bits and pieces like being chased up trees by my brothers and tehn they'd get an axe and start chopping the tree down and i would have cried a great deal of the time but i was so scared of my dad that when he told me that boys didn't cry i just didn't cry i think that my life was really a cake walk compared to some peoples lives i've heard about but for me i survived so i just don't look at it like it was as bad as it could have been at one point i wanted nothing more than to kill my dad just so the pain would stop for my mom and of course i didn't do it nor even try because my fear was out weighed by my desire to end the pain i hated seeing my mom cry and be beat to this day if i see a woman being beat i go into a very scary rage like a vet will have flashbacks they can't control i have a great deal of trouble controling my rage i do however manage of course ther have been a couple woman who knew i could not nor would not strike back at them so i suffered abuse from them but i just cleared my head and got away from them rather fast until i was 17 i'd hit my sisters when i thought i was justified like if they tormented me and would not relent or if they called me names or anything they tried to get a reaction out of me but one day i just walked away and cried and i continued to cry until i was physically sick after that i was still known to either spit on them (which today i'd rather be slapped then spit on) or douse them with cold water it at the time sure made me feel good but i was a petty punk like my brothers but not as extreme well i guess i could go on and on about the abuse in my family but i'm sure you the reader get a picture of what my childhood was like but i barely scratched the surface. i find it odd that the one thing that bothered me the most was after we moved to lincoln city from estacada is that my sisters told the local kids here that i had a bed wetting problem which i did but as it went i was laughed at and teased and when i tried to fight unlike estacada i'd end up fighting 2 and 3 kids at a time so i ended up avoiding kids as much as possible and i really got sick of adults telling me to ignore them because the harder i tried the worse it became so i started carrying a pair of brass knuckles around with me well that ended kids from getting to close but opened up a whole new can of worms they started throwing rocks or would be riding there bikes and punch me or spit on me or what ever else they thought funny so i very quickly began to hate every one of my age group by the time i was 10 years old i just could not function in school any more so i was placed in a school for troubled kids and that my friend is where i my life began to turn around well if you'r reading this i guess your interested in what i say the next time i get on here i'll get into the memories in which i look back at with a smile on my face though i may go back and forth i just feel like this is something right so i'm doing it so take care and remember life is short so enjoy it to the fullest | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 3/26/2005 10:50:03 AM | | well considering i was never meant to live i believe god decided i was meant to be here in the here and now sharing i just pray i do this right lol i will be sharing more but today i'm just trying to formulate some stuff that has happened to me and try to put it down better besides i'm not feeling well today the weather has something against me i think lol so until later take care | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/2/2005 12:23:06 AM | | i know what happens when u assume but i'm doing it any way it just seems like only a couple people thought it important to respond and seeing there is so very little interest i'll just wait to do this until after i finish my writing course in collage hopefully by then i can do my life justice and give some one who knows what my life is like some strentgh of course i need to work on my spelling and typing lol | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/2/2005 12:15:12 PM | reallyrusty, don't let the fact, that people don't leave comments stop you from writing more. I have been reading your work, I think that your story could help others that have had or are still having the same problems, that you have had. Writing is a tool we use to heal. They just might not be ready to speak yet. Letting the world see your emotions takes alot from the inside. I know, I've wrote for years, but never sharing my poems. Then a friend sent me to this site. I was very unsure at first, but, now I'm glad I joined. Keep the writing going!
sam: | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/4/2005 1:18:34 PM | | i want to write more but i find it hard to do at times and i to be honest used the lact of response as a reason to discontinue my writing but you'r right there maybe some one out there who is reading this that can and does help them so i will continue i guess i'm just a lil scared at the level at which i've opened myself up on here so i will continue thanx for the vote of convidence | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/4/2005 2:01:21 PM | | for four years i sexually abused by my brother and the odd part is i forgave him and moved on though i doubt he deserved forgiviness i gave it to him my dad abused me for a lot longer than that though not sexual abuse it was emotional, verbal and mental abuse and it was all second hand but please don't hate him because he made amends with us kids and my mom , you see to me he died twice the s.o.b he once was and the man who i'd have done almost anything for he was my best friend and he suffered far more the last 10 years of his life than i hope ever to have to go through you really can't say you've suffered until you go through what he did , this coming from soem one who was abused from the time he was 2 or 3 until 17 thats along time to suffer so i think i have the right to that statement i was the kind of little prck who enjoyed scaring and hurting people and i did it very well i was border line evil and at my very lowest point (which brought me closer to the guy who i am now) i thought about making others go through the very same kind of pain that hurt me the most and that was sexual abuse of course thru fate and the grace of god i didn't go there and in retospect if i had of i know i wouldn't be here now because i'd of either killed myself or some one else would have done it matter of fact i don't pity any pedofiles and believe that if they do such a thing they deserve what they get a far as i'm concerned it makes me very angry that in most cases a pedofile will get a slap on the hand verses a murderer who gets 20 years where there victim or victims don't have to suffer where no matter what i do i will have scars that will continue to effect me my whole life some one who has never been abused most likely to think my reasoning warped but to them go out get abused like i've been thru then you'll understand why i think the way i do of course i don't wish my life on any one. in my teen years i made alot of progress in becoming the man who i've become today though i had tremendous trouble i over came those obsticles the likes of which i still had to deal with others who found misguided comfort at making my life hell the teasing and picking on me continued until i was about 17 by then i did some thing i'd never thought to do passive aggression though it got me into trouble it let others know i wanted to be left alone at the same time letting them know i'd leave them alone if left alone kids thought better of targeting me though on occasion i'd have to bloody a nose or fatten a lip or two for the most part i used my mind and put my energy to better uses i did have counselers and alot of them as i'd always start a session by asking whether or not they'd ever been thru anything like what i'd been thru and when they said no i'd end the session by then stating that we had nothing further to talk about that went on for about a year until i met a woman who had been abused though it does differ between woman and men she did have a clear idea as too what abuse was like she is the main reason i'm both sane and not in an institute some where well ok i am a bit crazy lol or not if i state i am then maybe i'm not lol (my warped sense of humor) i do find comfort in the fact that my past only invades my dreams and very seldom ever effects me while awake i do however feel that if i thought i could bury a pedofile with out ever being caught i'd do it and those are the extent of my unhealthy thoughts , for that i'm glad because it isn't my right to be judge . some of the things that i feel to this day aren't helpful or healthy but i put all of that into creating stuff of art like wood working thats my love that and photography i enjoy my freedom and i spend time thinking of how lucky i am to be where i am today i did use drugs as an escape but all that did was retard most of my talents and messed up my body i'll continue to make mistakes until the day i die but i'll never make the big ones the likes of which that would hurt any one in any way i'm going on and on and right now i am beginning the first signs of ramblin lol so i'll end it here and i hope you the reader will ask me questions and the harder the better as i love and look for challenge so sock it to me lol | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/4/2005 4:31:56 PM | Glad to see your back, and writing again! we can not change our past, but we can change our futures for the better. Sounds like you've already started that prosess. Good for you. Things are already looking up then. I'll keep reading, if you keep writing!
sam | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/4/2005 5:16:35 PM | | thank you mari i hope that i can continue with this though i'll soon run out of stories of my past because until i find some one who can help me write a book at an indepth level of my life this will just be breif moments and random at that because i will jump back and forth between past and present though i'll give this my best effort because of people like you who read it | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/5/2005 12:55:58 PM | | i tend to have a narrow minded view on some things and rather enjoy a good debate and when i'm wrong i am happy to be corrected though i may act a bit stiff for a little while. i am happy to not be perfect and i was asked if i could change the past what one thing would i change well i would change the fact that my dad broke his back twice , you ask why not change the abuse i went thru good question well the fact is the abuse didn't and won't kill me in the long run but my dad breaking his back was the main reason he died of all the things i've been thru my dads passing is and will always be the hardiest thing i've ever been thru i cried for 3 hours just sat there and cried and he used to tell me biys don't cry and i told him as if he was there to **** himself because the tears would not stop and just writing about my dad brings tears to my eyes is still so very hard to think about i do however find it odd that i can totally be vulcan in my thinking about my abuse i still can't not cry about my dad i do some times wonder if my head is on right death is certain but abuse should not be a part of life but it is as much as death oh well some day i'll get it together i do enjoy life and living and just seem to muttle thru with not a great deal of direction tho i am getting things done i've put off for years like education and a drivers license i will if nothing else make my dad proud and prove that i can do anything i set my mind to doing well i'll not ramble any longer today but will be back | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/5/2005 1:21:34 PM | GLAD TO HEAR THE STRIDES YOU ARE TAKING. MOST THINGS IN LIFE, ARE WHAT WE MAKE OUT OF THEM. YOUR PUTTING AWAY THE PAST, AND BEGINING A NEW JOURNEY. YOUR CHOICES NOW CAN IMPROVE YOUR LIFE. THE HARDEST THING TO LEARN IN LIFE IS FORGIVENESS. YOUR ON THE RIGHT PATH. I'M SURE YOUR WRITING IS HELPING THOSE THAT NEED TO HEAR THAT THEY ARE NOT ALONE.
WISHING YOU THE BEST IN YOUR FUTURE!
SAM | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/6/2005 11:34:41 AM | | thanx sam i think that i'll continue to learn until the day i die i'll continue to grow my past is just that my past i'm not proud of some of it nor am i ashamed of most of it i've made some really huge mistakes and treated some people very badly then again i'm accused of being kind to a fault i will never be perfect and would never choose to be but i'll never be so weak as hurt any one in the way i've been hurt some out there are not so strong and for them i hope they find that inner peace and strentgh to keep them from making a mistake they will have to live with i don't have much time today so i need to keep this short but will continue to share myself with you the reader | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/6/2005 2:29:51 PM | Rusty:
This is a tremendous thread. You very strong to relive your past in this way, and especially the wrongs that you have done. Forgiving can be very hard but key to healing. It puts you in a position to see those wrongs as an opportunity to be a better person. The challenges in life build our characters and enable us to become better human beings. You sound to have been given some lofty peaks to scale and you sound to be well on the way to their summits. Good luck and God bless.
John | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/8/2005 4:08:07 PM | i'd like to start by thanking you john and mari sam , and i very much enjoyed the poem . this installement if you will , will show some anger but also resolve so i hope you won't think ill of me when i go where i'm going to with this but it is how i feel though i don't and won't act on the feelings i'll be sharing but it is a part of me and i really want people to really get to know me whether i like that part of me even if i don't like the part of me i'm sharing it is me and though i do put alot of effort into being a better person there are some rather deep feelings that i still have yet to work on at any rate here goes . i have covered pedofiles some and my own past of being a victim but i didn't really share just how much i want to be able to hate pedofiles the sinner part of me wants to wipe the earth clean of each and every one of them and i would do just that if at all possible (thank god it isn't) but the part of me who wants to be christ like stays that dark and hateful side of myself in a corner of my being this may very well be narrow minded of me but i feel that if i was able to keep myself from harming others in the way i was harmed then i don't see why others couldn't keep from doing it because to be honest i used to do all sorts of harm to others except the one that i find to be the worst, sexual abuse is treated litely by law makers and if it wasn't i know i wouldn't have such a hard time dealing with it but it's like they get slapped on the hand then released from prison to do it all again not every sexual preditor repeats the offense but most do and for that i think it is really messed up people like me have these scars that will remain with us all our lifes regardless of how deep they run they are still there with us. my scars are very deep though not as many nor as deep as they were 5 years ago but ther going to remain for the remainder of my life i just feel 5 years isn't evn close enough to the time i think they should spend in prison this may sound odd to you and obevisally i'm not a vitim of murder but i think murder is kind compaired to sexual abuse yet some one who takes a life spends up to 25 years in prison and the only people who suffer the crime are second hand victims i know how bad this sounds i've thought alot about it but if i'd been given the chose of being sexually abused or murdered i'd have chosen murdered the second hand pain i caused others because of my anger will always be there and i've just barely started to forgive my self of the physical and mental abuse i caused others and i've talked about these feelings with my dad and my mom though there happy i'm alive they at least understand why i feel the way i do about it see my mom was sexually abused by her step father and she has never really gotten over it and never will she has become very bitter and neve tried to use the negitive feelings that we share in any way other than anger and hate i do love my mom and know at some level she cares about me but at the same time she hates us kids because she has this misguided rage towards us for my fathers misdeeds it's long and very complicated and i don't fully understand how or why she feels the way she does i just hope some day she will be able to understand what i've come to know and that is of course i didn't deserve or ask for the abuse, see she still thinks along those lines because of the years of abuse at the hands of my dad as you can see i do tend to go on about some things longer than i need to but i know you'll forgive me my ramblings and get the idea of what i'm doing lol , i've such a long road to go in my growing up but i have made progress and will continue to do so until the day god says *ok my son it's time to come home* i should have forewarned you all that my level of mentallity is like the tide some days i'm as mature as they come some days i just can't seem to act any older than a 16 year old i have decided that it is a side effect of my past and i just go with the flow lol though right now i feel like i'm about 26 i guess you could say my different levels of mentallity is like duel personalities lol though the is of course that one true constint my awareness of right and wrong and my morale standing and i really have grown to like myself because i know i'm a good person who has problems it's when you know that you have problems they seem less like problems than minor faults so i'll continue to work out the bugs in my chacter make up (a life long battle) lol any way enough rambling for this day .
ok i lied lol for those of you who haven't responded and don't feel comfortable to respond on this forum please email me on here and tell me what you think i'd like to know if you hate me , like me or what ever the response and if you choose not to respond thats all fine and good but if you do read this and don't relate but think it might help some one you know let them know what i'm doing here so i may be of some help to them ok ? i guess you could say i enjoy being critised lol well take care and i hope i didn't ramble so badly today that i lost you in the understanding of what i wrote | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/8/2005 7:27:53 PM | Glad to see you back again! I like how you added on about e-mai responding, I think those that wish, will respond. give yourself a break though, your not as full of hate as you think. If you were, you wouldn't be here to help others! Glad you liked the poem, when I wrote it, I had many people I know that day, all having rough times. Seems to be the trend these days. I believe that we all have our reason to be on this earth.
So never wish your death to soon, or destinies plan you might just ruin!
sam | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/9/2005 1:44:18 PM | | thanx and of course i enjoy life far too much to let my woes weigh me down that much i live loud and proud as my dad used to say lol i don't have a great deal of time today but i wanted to share something that as odd as it may seem is my greatest pain that i live with and that is being alone i am 33 and don't have any children to ask me all those silly questions kids seem to be fond of asking their parents ,funny thru all the things that have caused me pain the one that hurts the most is the one i brought on myself at least in part i'm pretty sure if i'd had a good childhood things would be different now but i don't blame any one other than my self i covered the abuse thing the other day and this goings along the same lines because i didn't do to others what had been done to me i was stronger for it tho i am weak if i weren't i wouldn't have pushed people away which in the end left me by my self so in the past i was always guarded i wouldn't let any one close i figured if i kept people away i couldn't be hurt any more and i without even understanding wjat i was doing i hurt myself i guess i'm rambling on about this because i watched big daddy last nite i wish i hadn't lol oh well any way it brought to lite a few of my insecurities and well i guess i had to try to express myself tho i didn't do it as well as i'd like to have but i think you the reader may understand what i'm getting at ? well take care and i'm going to go ponder what i've just written | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/11/2005 12:11:33 PM | | i am growing fond of this writing about my life ever since i started this forum i have found and am still finding an inner peace i haven't had in years and to be honest i'm loving it , iam shocked though because i've revealed stuff on here that i've never been able to tell any one except my dad it scares me to think of how many people may judge me for my past but if they do chose to do that well then thats up to them i guess i'll always have insecurities about myself worth ,i'm not sure if the lady that i find myself interested in will read this and to be honest i'm not sure i want her to guess you can chalk it up to a huge ball of fear i'm rambling again but to tell the truth i've come to except that as one minor little flaw lol i'm going to tell you all some funny stories that have happened to me starting with the one that nearly killed me , i was around 4 maybe 5 and i was on a green machine ( a trike with 2 wheels in front and 1 in back) well we lived on a mountain and i just watched evil conievel do a really cool stunt so i decided to ride my trike down the road very steep road at that well about a 1/2 mile or so it split in 2 different directions and i went right off the middle of that intersection which was a very steep slope and i hit a tree which saved my bacon , had i not hit that tree i'd have gone off the cliff behind that tree well i can tell you i wasn't scared and didn't even cry that is until i tried dragging my green machine up that slope half way up my dad shows up looks down and askes me if i was hurt and i cried up saying no but i can't get my trike up the hill well he chuckled not that i could hear him but i slid down the slope and helped me up and i asked what most likey could be considered the dumbiest thing i've ever asked but i wanted to do it again and yes you can say i had no sense of danger i did stuff like that all the time and i think i was to young at the time to have a death wish but i sure did put myself in harms way alot i used to jump from tree to tree very foolish when you think about it but what do kids know lol the funniest thing that ever happened to me was whne my parents took us to a wildlife reserve they had these monkeys in a cage and there was a sign so i was reading the sign and came to the word feces so look over at my dad and ask him what the word was and as i look back at the word i was awarded a huge pile of feces in my face i'll tell you i found nothing funny about then but have hurt myself with laughter a few times telling that story after that i lost my interest in knowing what stuff ment lol at least for awhile ayway lol . of course my life like every ones has ups and downs and i sure do enjoy the ups and learn from the downs well the rambling king is tired of rambling for now so take care and more soon to come | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/11/2005 12:35:17 PM | I was rolling! I too, have done the dumb stunts on the big wheel. Got hit my a truck, didn't get hurt, but could have. Man that brings back old memories. I see you have more readers joining in now. Such a nice feeling, isn't it. Cant wait for more! As for the girl of your dreams, she will have to love all of you, including your past. For our past have made us who we are, like it or not. Skellatons in the closet, only create problems in the future. To truely undrestand someone, you must be able to understand their inner self first.
Have a beautiful day!
Sam | |
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