Phat
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Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 1 | |
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 4:51:02 AM | My friends tell me to lower my standards. But i have a few things that I need to let out and see what others think. I belive you should not settle in life because there is so much out there to see and do.
The issue is Women with Kids. That is all I seem to meet. Don't get me wrong kids are great, but it causes so many extra stresses and issues. Some that are to great to get over. I really do not have a problem with the kids themselves. It is the dealings with the fathers of the kids. Cus if you are looking for someone to settle with you are going to have to put up with all the blow ups, the suport payments and the visitation. I meen you have to work your whole life around someone eles plans. The only way I think I could do it is if the Father lived in some other part of the world or he had passed away.
On top of all that As the guy going in to it you have to know you are always going to be number two to the kids. Which is the way it should be if it is a good mother you are going to be with. But sometimes if you are trying to build something it makes it really tough to feel the click you need. I can go on and on with this issue but I want to know what others think.
I also want the women to know that it is not that you have kids that some guys back off it is all the other BS that goes with it. Kudos to all the guys that can do this. But untill I have my own kids I belive that I want the chance for my own kids to no have to start out in a broken family. Is that selfish or am i just trying to find the best for my hopeful future kids. Besides I can see if you are in a relationship with someone that previously has kids and then you have one together. There is a possiblity of you treating them very different. Not that you would make it ovious or treat any of them badly. But you would go out of your way to make sure yours gets a head in life.
Well there is a little rant. I want othere opinions on this and what they have experianced with this issue.
Cheers | |
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| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 5:01:00 AM | | I'm going to flip this one on you and give you my feelings. I felt the exact same way for a long, long,long time with guys and kids. Didn't want the bs of the ex and such. Too complicated for me as I don't have kids. BUT, as I'm getting older, I have found men with no kids, are for the most part, immature and not ready to settle down, they play the field and don't seem serious about much. So, just this summer, I decided I had better change my outlook on this matter. If I'm gonna wait for the perfect person for me, finding the right one who hasn't had kids yet, I think I'd be waiting a long time. So, I opened up to allowing myself to find someone with children and not shooting them down for it. You know what? I found an awesome guy. So, this way I also get the best of both worlds. I might be so lucky as to have children in my life but not have to have them myself as I don't really want any. SO maybe being your age, you can carry this opinion for a while and it might just work out for ya. But, if too much time passes, reconsider your thoughts on this. Might be the best thing you ever did. | |
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| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 5:03:25 AM | | Hi.I am that single woman with kids and I think reading this has opened my eyes a little to what I am expecting the next person(if there is one)to swallow.I work hard at work and at home and the little free time I have is split between my kids and my personal life so I think it takes a strong patient man to decide to make that big a commitment.I do have to point out that if you find the right person you find a way to make it work and enjoy the struggles slong with the rewards. | |
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| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 5:39:26 AM | I think the OP is being a little selfish. I don't think he's looked at the bigger picture.
You say you would be second fiddle in the kids lives? Don't "kid" yourself. Some kids don't want anything to do with their biological father, but you might end up being a great Dad to them. My step kids didn't have their father in their lives until maybe 5 years ago. I was it, even though I had two kids from my first marriage. Now that my second wife and I are apart, that hasn't diminished, in fact the bond seems to be stronger.
And what if you cannot have kids? You really don't know. Life was never meant to be easy, and you may be missing out on "the one" just because you are afraid of dealing with some stress.
Suck it up and get over youself. | |
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lovejr
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Joined: 12/16/2005
Msg: 6 | |
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 5:51:51 AM | I am a single mom with amazing kids. Just so happens they don't have a dad in their lives as he chose the girlfriend over them and has had no contact in over 3 years ..... so don't judge a persons profile by it saying "has children".....you are really missing out.
By saying you have to "lower his standards" to date someone with kids, is not going to get you brownie points with the women. I'm taking it that your friends think you should date women with kids.....that part is good.....but their choice of wording is just wrong. Personally, I don't want to date a man that has to lower his standards to be with me. | |
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Phat
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Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 7 | |
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 5:59:07 AM | It is not about me and getting over myself, Natobro. And it is not about the kids As I said. It is about dealing with the ex's and My opinion might change as i get older and or i no longer want my own kids. But as it stands these are the things I look at. You are looking at it from a point of someone who already had kids of your own. And I see that point and would probably be the same if I was there. but i am not. And as for being second fiddle. it is not in the kids lives it is 2nd on the prioridy list of the mom. and i did not say i really had a problem with it. i mearly said it makes thing much more difficult.
Sorry for the confusion. | |
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| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 5:59:12 AM | I think the OP is grouping experience as "it's always like this".
I have a child who visits her Dad every second weekend (if she wants to). I get along with my X and his new wife. They have 3 more little rug rats together. We all get along - keeping the children first without any bad feelings. My daughter likes to visit them.
My point is that not all singles moms come with BS, bad X's, and anger. | |
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| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 6:01:23 AM | Well I must say it takes two to make it work.
I know for me I have no issues and no blow ups with my ex. My kids are teens now and they are very self sufficient.
My girls accept any man that makes their mother happy it has always been that way.
Phat has a valid point. Some adults just cannot get along when it comes to separation and divorce. It isnt nice being a part of the nasty and negative behaviour. Every situation is different and people all have their own reasons.
I have dated men with kids and without kids. Either way it can work if two are willing. My ex usually likes and gets along with the men I have dated. Seems freaky I know, but the new man is not threat to my ex or our children. Together he and I feel that if our significant partner treats our kids with love and respect, the kids do nothing else but benefit from it.
One man I dated had wonderful children and he was great although is ex stalked me and made my life miserable. I walked out on the relationship she was too much of a tormenter and that wasnt something I wanted to deal with. That ex needed a life!
People in life need to play fair and nice, they need to realize when it is over and move forward.
Dating men without children has a lot less hassels, as long as they love kids. I do love kids and if he has them and an amicable relationship with his ex, sign me up! Either way it can work.
JMHO | |
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| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 6:04:59 AM |
I think the OP is being a little selfish. I don't think he's looked at the bigger picture.
I don't think the OP is being selfish at all and he is seeing the picture just fine, trying to just shed some light on how we feel on the other end, being people with no kids trying to accomodate and change our lives for people with kids.
I am 100% with the OP on his explanations and I think he explained things very well. It is not cheap shots against people with kids, its just how some of us really feel and what we endure on the other end. I think this post was very well written and hopefully some people see the other side and keep an open positive mind about this. | |
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*Tee*
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Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 11 | |
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 6:14:01 AM | Phat..
Theres nothing wrong with having preferences. I am a single mother with children, and I would rather date somebody who will accept my situation, and know that he is willing to be in my life willingly.
You've dated women with children, and you've realized thats not for you. Thats not a bad thing, just stick to dating single women with no children. Believe me, in the long run, it will be b etter for you and them.. | |
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| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 6:52:55 AM | Well, let me see...I come from a blended family, my mom had me in her first marriage, my "step-dad", who happens to be the ONLY father I have ever known, had a daughter from a first marriage...My "step-dad" adopted me when I was 7. My brother is from the second marriage.
I am now a single mom with two kids...they have a father who is active in their life, and him and I get along better now than we did when we were married, don't get me wrong though, he can still piss me off and once I vent I am ok.
It's ok to have "standards" and not want to settle for less than you deserve, Lord knows I won't! But I do think that maybe you might miss out on something that could be totally amazing...don't put all your eggs in one basket! Give us Mom's a chance too | |
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| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 7:06:21 AM | | I agree with Tee...the only thing I disagree about is the point the OP has made about being number two. The way I look at is, sure, my children are number one...I have two boys that share that spot. Why can't a significant other share that spot with them also? I've got alot of love to give and there is more room for that number one spot. I love my kids whole heartedly and would give the same to a man that returns that love. It's a different love of course, romantic and not maternal. Just look at it this way, once you find that love of your life and have children, do you think you'd be any less loved than before children? To me, that's the same thing, the man in my life will be the love of my life - It's called unconditional love. That kind of love is not just for children. | |
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| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 7:10:02 AM | Things I like to do. can you parents do this too?
Spontaneous pack up and go ANY weekend to anywhere for any amount of time, just the 2 of us
Take a trip for any length of time with only you and the one person
Go on a date no matter what weekend it is till all hours of the night
Go out during the week at any given time.
I got asked to meet someone out here, I said yes. Then I got "oh wait, I can't thats my weekend with the kids" Now I have to wait at least 2 weeks to meet. What sits in my head is "is this going to be the entire relationship? I have to sit and wait all the time?" I would like to meet someone that has time for me. I do give chances and meet people with kids but it isn't easy, I end up usually getting shoved aside and plans dropped, lots of parents dont see the other side where we sit and wait and try to adapt our lives to accomodate yours.
I dated a guy with 2 kids. I got to see him once/week if i was lucky due to his work schedule and kids. I wasnt allowed to park in the driveway for fear his ex would see and go bezerk. i wasn't allowed to meet the kids yet which was totally fine but made it hard because I had to sneak around that too. I got phone calls nightly to talk and say hi, and he'd show up at my old work to say hi to me, he tried but it just wasnt working. We're still friends, but its not easy being shoved aside like that all the time. It doesnt make someone feel very special.
Some of us give the chances, but its not easy if you dont try to accomodate as well, and make time for the other person, getting to know them and spending time with them. | |
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| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 7:27:45 AM | It's hard for everyone in the dating scene. Being a single mom, in the earlier years yes, I only had every other weekend free. It's not just hard on the person you're dating, it's hard on you too. Why do you think I'm still single after being separated from my ex for 8 years? We all make sacrifices. I'm not saying anyone should change their personal preferences on whom to date. Just pointing out the fact that dating is hard for everyone, single with or without kids. Myself, I do prefer men that have children because they know where I'm coming from. My boys are at the age now where they're practically pushing me out the door ...lol. I can leave them all night if I so choose. I can't be totally spontanious with trips, I do have dependants but, there are ways around that, they DO have a father..lol. I think everyone can agree it's not easy to find a significant other nowadays. I was fairly young when I married and had kids...alot of people wait until their 30's now. So here we have it...older singles having a hard time finding the same..and people such as myself that started early and things didn't work out and yes..we have children,still looking for that Mr. or Ms. Right we didn't find the first go around. I don't take offense to anyone's personal preferences because I will forever be the optimist that one day (hopefully), I will find that Mr. Right, or he'll find me. It's not easy staying optimistic. Lately it seems everyone around me has found that special someone except for me. It can get a person down and I will admit I can hit the lows where I feel like my lot in life is to be that crazy old lady down the street with 100 cats. So if that is my fate, so be it. I've already started my collection...I have two cats....98 more to go!  | |
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| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 7:33:09 AM | First of all, your friends told you to "lower your standards"?????  What is that?
Anyways.....I agree with the very first post after the OP's babbling, "I dont see good things happening with this post" because quite frankly, yes, my blood started to boil (automatically, I admit) after reading what he had to say. SO I'm not going to say EVERYTHING that popped into my head when I was done....I will only say that it takes a very SPECIAL man to take on not the "STRESSES" (I use that term loosely and with much sarcasm) but the care, the responsibility and have the patience and understanding to date a woman with a child/children. Don't talk to them about the "STRESSES" of dating them until you've done what they do/doing every single day, 24 hours a day raising those kids, dealing with sometimes uncooperative ex's, financial issues, "alone time" issues, dating issues, the issues WE will have with our children as they grow that would be easier if we had a partner to rely on and bounce off of and receive support from.... this is all "STRESS" you can choose to be a part of...or not. DO yourself a favour and when you ARE "lowering your standards" as to who you date? Be sure she does NOT have children because generally speaking, when WE choose who we date, our standards will be MUCH higher than what you're capable of offering.
K....I veered off and got ticked.....Im not nice ALL of the time, sorry.
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| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 7:45:39 AM |
it is not in the kids lives it is 2nd on the prioridy list of the mom. and i did not say i really had a problem with it. i mearly said it makes thing much more difficult.
Sorry to inform you that even if you marry someone and they have a child or children with you, you will be 2nd on the list of priorities as well because a mother always puts her kids first even when she's with their biological father. | |
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| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 8:05:50 AM | Well, single mom here, divorced...get along much better now with my ex....he sees our son every other weekend...
I agree with some of the other moms here....it will be that special man who will be great with all we have to offer...
my situation is a little different...and becomes an issue at times...my son is a special needs child......most form an opinion before even meeting or finding out exactly about my son...
they arent comfortable with it or think they wont be, think they will have no place or come last ( which isnt true) etc etc etc...
I always mention my son in the beginning...but until i get to know them more and a feel for them....they meet my son later.....only a few have made it that far....
I have been fortunate that everyone who has met my son has thought he was awesome....that being said....there are those who have not given it a chance because of him....
my way of thinking........they obviously werent 'the ones' and it wasnt meant to be....
much more could be said...but lets follow this more...
to each their own really......but it is too bad some are not able/willing/comfortable with being more open to things/people/situations............you/we could be missing out on some great people....if not for a relationship....then some great friends...
hugs,
silkie | |
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| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 8:08:52 AM | From the opposite side, I have dated a woman or two with children, and yes, sometimes there were stresses related to the ex. However, there were a great many rewards as well. I have no children of my own, not because I'm immature and unable to handle the responsibility. Quite the opposite, actually. I haven't met the woman I'd like to be the mother of my children yet, and I wanted to be a little more settled in my own life before I even considered the possibility.
I don't want to be shallow and call it "instant family", but the description is not completely inaccurate. I found it very rewarding being around children again (I'm a good deal older than my siblings, so I was fairly involved with their raising). Outings as a "family" to places like the zoo were a blast. Just having a child look to you for guidance or support, or just to giggle at your silliness, is more than compensation for the occasional stress over the ex.
I would have to say that until you're ready to handle a little stress, maybe you're not ready for children of your own, either. Just something to think about. | |
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samina
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Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 21 | |
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 8:22:50 AM | I absolutely agree.. When you do eventually have kids with the One you will be at home hopefully with them and have family outings your capacity to go out on your own isnt as much.. bth of you hopefully will prioritise the kids .Single parents like myself do have breaks when kids see there father. Im not sure if anyone is wrong here think your all right !! if Phat feels that way he obviously asked for an opinion on this shows he is thinking about it and im not convinced he is sureor wants some confirmation. Not all single parents have issues with their exs.. but it will be a shame if you do believe this if you do find the one you will miss out. Yes there are benefits too see someone without kids ie freedom to go out when you like..etc but whats wrong with painting the town red with your other half every other weekend and having a cosy time at home watchin a dvd with a take awayon one of the weekends .. course it is more complicated with kids involved .. your not always flexible etc but if phat is merely expressin what he feels .. im glad he did cause i think its good to be honest with your feelings and putting them on here shows you are willing to listen to other peoples views.. At the end of the day think it should be about individual preference ..as it is not always easy .. my ex wanted to settle abroad it was his dream but havin my kid means i need to and want to stay here so she has a close connection with her dad and sees him reguarley.. I would love to settle abroad too but its not goin to happen.
Think when you hopefully find the one with or without kids you will find a way to be together and want to be a part in there lives whether they have weird habits nasty exs baggage youll find a way . Most single parents are very responsible and independant and have great qualities because of it !! | |
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| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 8:23:14 AM | Well i also am a single divorced mother of 2 boys. You really cant judge how all single mothers are with their ex's because myself and my ex are getting along ... i decided long ago enough was enough for the children i refuse to argue with him. He is now remarried and i get along with his new wife as well, im not their friend nor do i want to be but we all get along for the children sake.
I have to agree with some of the other ladies here and what they have posted....whether they are your own biological children or children from a previous relationship....you will always play second fiddle to them that is the way life is when you have children it revolves around them and what they need out of life.
I am NOT looking for a father for my children they already have one, they go there every other wknd. What i would like is a positive male role model, someone they can look up to and get along with, i dont think that is too much to ask.
I bet all the other woman would feel the same way any man they want to bring into their childrens life should be a positive role model.
I dont introduce my children to any man im dating until its goign into a long term relationship and even then its not right off the bat i wait a bit.
I wouldnt want to date someone knowing they lowered their standards to be with me, im special and "unique" LOL and want the man that wants to date me because of me, not from changing (lowering) his standards in life.
EDIT--also most woman over 30 who are single have kids and the same with men whether they have custody or visitation. I dont mind a man with children they tend to understand and relate alot better then a man who has no children
JMHO | |
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| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 8:23:56 AM | | I must disagree with Habs....that's probably one of the reasons there are so many single parents today. We put the marriage second after having children. I have come to realise in my years as a single mom, had my ex and I kept our marriage number one priority next to the children being number one...maybe it would have survived. We've got to remember when in a relationship and having kids (whether the family readymade or not), if you don't keep "dating" and you lose sight of why you fell inlove in the first place, the relationship is doomed. As humans, we have an abundance of love to give. As I state before, there are many types of love, romantic, maternal/paternal, friend etc. When you love someone, you aren't taking away from others you may love. The more you love, the more you have to give. I love both my sons equally, so why is it so difficult to comprehend that I can love a man equal to my sons? Food for thought. | |
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*PAPD
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Joined: 3/14/2005
Msg: 24 | |
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| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 8:57:33 AM | What I see in this thread is a bunch of people getting defensive - and I'm sorry but mostly the ones with the kids ... we all have preferences and things we can and will not put up with in relationships - people with kids obviously want someone new to fit in with their life and that includes the kids - and the one without kids wants to be with someone who has the time and will put the same effort into the relationship as they are.
We all have a past with different baggage and when two people come together they have to make it work from both sides, whether it's kids or an elderly parent, family, friends ... that takes some time away from the other person ...
It is the two people in the relationship that have to make it work, compromise from both sides - what I seem to see here is that the people with kids expect the other person to just "accept it" and that the other person has to mend into their life - what about the other person's life ...... this is a new relationship ... whether it's kids, a dog, a house or something else - two people bring what they have and they do the best they can to combine all that and build a new life for two
... if you want someone to be in your life and be supportive of what is in your life (kids, ex, whatever), you have to also realize that the other person also wants someone to be in their life .. and not just part-time, and you also have to understand the difficulty in being with someone who has kids, the lack of being able to do what you want to do with them, when you want to do it, all the other things in life that interfere with spending time together, the sharing of the other person with the ex, because unfortunately they are a big part of the new relationship due to the fact they are the mother/father of the shared children ...
I myself am with someone with kids, I adore him and his kids and the kids and I get along great, but it is definately a delicate balancing act ....
If the feelings and desire to be together and make a "new" life together is mutual and communication is open and honest ... both people have to let go of the past, bring the good things with them, leave the crap behind ... and make each other and the new relationship a main priority ... right after them kids ...
Northy | |
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