|
|
|
|
|
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 11/4/2006 11:44:18 PM | So you were stood up. You're humiliated, a little hurt and a little angry. Like me today.
It was tough, because although I didn't tell the guy in our emails, this was going to be my first "real" date in a long, long time - 28 years, to be exact. (I've had a couple of meetings since I've joined POF that were OK but didn't lead to dating, but today I had a really nice plan to show a visitor this beautiful city and I was excited about it.)
He didn't show. Or call. Or email. I felt bad all day, and yes, I sulked a bit. I chatted with a friend, and we joked about it, and I felt a little better.
I did a thread search, and found a few threads where most people urged people to either write the guy (or girl) off as big loser, or give him a break because something really bad might have happened.
Then, just a little while ago, I found out something really bad HAD happened. Never assume. I feel like such a creep.
I'm only posting this because his profile's gone, and we're only talking by MSN now. Still, here's my point: it's not always about you (me, in this case). I'm glad I didn't write him the snide email that was welling up inside me. Stuff happens. I should know that. | |
|
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 11/5/2006 4:23:59 AM | .
Okay, I’m interested here cause I have read many of your posts and you think somewhat like me sometimes.
Actually, I’ve never been stood up, but probably wouldn’t care anyway cause I’d be busy reading a book while waiting. It’s just the first meeting, after all. No expiations, on my part. I have lunch with many people, for many reasons. No big deal. Only time that opinion would change was if T.R. was there. That’s different!
If you were my sister or friend, I would ask for more information and probably be unbelieving somewhat. Even though you seem to feel comfortable, it makes no nevermind to me,
I would be relentless in questioning . Cause, I do not let friends get into problems. You’re a nice lady here. But, were I your brother or friend, this is not a scenario I would like.
On the other hand, he didn’t turn up, which might be a good thing from the point of view of a brother. LOL
Spank me if you want to, lady. But please pay attention to things.
If you were my lady of interest, I would know your name, address, phone number and whatever. And, you you’d know mine. Fancy that, eh? Some around here say that’s wrong. Who cares!
Oh yeah, and if I were a couple moments late, I would be calling. Which means, of course, you would know, rather than wonder, where I was, and why I was not where I said I was supposed to be then. (ain’t likely with me!).
Some guy’s are asses, as are some gal’s. It sometimes takes time to sort out the good ones, but we can, if we pay attention.
. | |
|
zooom
|
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 3 | |
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 11/5/2006 4:58:42 AM | | Usually what people get upset about is their own worst fears, which are also what kept them from dating for so long anyway. It is the idea you will get punished fro trying to be happy, and that other person is the agent of punishment. People easily read the worst into what is said, or not said, and jump back into the safety of being alone. This is to balance out the ones who give too much benefit to doubt and put up with abuse. We're on some giant dating scales teetering on the pivot of perfect romantic justice. | |
|
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 11/5/2006 5:15:29 AM | actually, I was dating this guy, (not from online) and we had a date. He stood me up, I called his number, ad never got a return call. I was livid. I had been stood up b4, so all that pain came to the surface, as well as my self doubt. So I left him a mean, nasty voice mail.
It wasn't long, but just enough to make me feel better.
2 days later, I get a call from him telling me he was in the hospital. I didn't believe him. I thought he was just trying to get me tl give him another chance. I told him I didn't believe him, and he said "fine, take down this number, and ask for this room number. Call me back right now!" he hung up. I was starting to feel really stupid. I called the number, it was the hospital he said, and I asked for the room number, THE OPERATOR EVEN ASKED ME WHAT PATIENT I WAS LOOKING FOR! I gave his name, and she transferred........
He was a diabetic and never told me, and he passed out. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital and has been there since.
That's what u get for assuming! | |
|
TishaG
|
Joined: 11/13/2005
Msg: 5 | |
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 11/5/2006 5:32:50 AM | | I always give someone the benefit of the doubt.....BUT...I know in my own instances where I've had an emergency and had to break a date...I still could make a two second phone call to say I couldn't make it, and would explain later. I still think in most instances, a phone call could be made. I dated someone for awhile once...the first time he pulled a "no show/no call"..he blamed it on his teenage daughter giving him drama due to his divorce. When it happened two more times...I went with the old three strikes you're out rule. My intuition was right. What was really going on? He was not divorced, but seperated...still having sex with his ex, and they had a bit of the nose candy problem together. | |
|
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 11/5/2006 6:08:03 AM | Good point Dawn, since I have been in similiar situations....I've learned not to assume the worst until I hear or see facts...
This is almost like the young-lady on POF who recently indicated a date called her a Slut after he thought he got STD from her....in the end it was an error on his behalf.. | |
|
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 11/5/2006 6:32:21 AM | Yes it can be annoying when that happens. And somtimes the emergency or problem is real. But even though you are still talking, you will never really know until you plan to meet again and see if he shows up, has another emergency or down plays the idea when you mention it. Hopefully he told you the truth and things are good now.
I don't understand why people continue to not communicate when there are so many more ways to communicate these days. Almost everyone has a cell phone so they dont have to wait by the regular phone. We have answering services. We have email. We have cell phones that can send text messages and many of those same cell phones can send emails as well. People forget that we are living in modern times and with all these time saving and convenient things, it is in poorer form to stand someone up or "accidently" not say anything than it was 20 years ago. Unless someone is shooting at you, it doenst take much effort these days to say " I can't make it". | |
|
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 11/5/2006 6:33:55 AM | Thank you all. This was really about making assumptions, rather than being stood up. Yes, he could have called. Maybe even should have, despite the circumstances. But the circumstances were SO unique (and true, that I know; heck, it's the lead story in the local news), I'd never think of this particular guy as a jerk for not doing so.
And it's not like in this case it was a big romantic meeting on either of our parts. Just me showing a visitor a nice time in the city. I was disappointed because I was looking forward to putting some of my shyness in meeting new people aside in a easy, pleasant way. There were no expectations, just anticipation.
I think it's a little different for people who make more of a personal connection and then get stood up. That likely does indicate some kind of personality problem (even if the person didn't set out to be intentionally mean). I'm not saying it doesn't happen (a lot, apparently); I'm just saying a fast assumption is sometimes a wrong assumption.
I'm going to try to keep this incident in mind when I find myself making snap judgements, not only about dating. What's that song? Everybody's got a story. | |
|
ernb
|
Joined: 8/23/2006
Msg: 9 | |
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 11/5/2006 7:48:26 AM | | The reason you, and probably everyone else on here, would make a snap judgement like that about somebody is that there are so many people on here who would stand someone up and not think twice about it. It seems to be the nature of the beast on here that most people are not what they seem, nor are they beyond playing those types of games. I don't think you have anything to be ashamed about because most of us would have jumped to the same conclusion. Hope it all works out for you...good luck. | |
|
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 11/5/2006 8:51:50 AM | Hi
It really is sad when people do this, and yes it happened to me recently. I think in my case to avoid this in the future I will spend more time getting to know the person first. Phone calls for a while, soon enough you'll what the person is about and avoid disapointment...
Regards | |
|
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 11/5/2006 11:05:01 AM | Happened to me and I didn't expect it..in spite of my "great instincts" I thought I was totally "blown off"!  I tried to take the "never assume" and "benefit of the doubt" route...he has some health issues, and so I tried to assume the sudden lack of communication/no calls, email, IMs and no further acknowledgment of planned meeting might be due to something emergency-related. Yet I FELT differently. He had back-peddled the instant we made "plans" to meet...acted wierd and evasive. And then..."disappeared". Not a call, nuttin. SO...I figured he was "just another a$$hole".
Welp...guess what! He DID have some sort of angina-heart (he had been thru quad-bipass last year...young too!) thing that sent him to the emergency room. And there it is. He didn't want to call 'cause he was already feeling like he was a turn-off due to health issues. So....even tho we probably aren't ever going to go out (I realized, when he called to explain, that it just ain't gonna happen...only because HE doesn't want it to), I AM relieved to know he didn't just "blow me off" for no reason. Even tho I ASSUMED that.
I do think the internet allows for easy bailing...so it is easy for the "player-type" of person to disappear without repercussions...when in face-to-face life it might be a little more difficult?
But in hindsight, people have been dealing with that forever in the dating world. "I'll call you later...." and nary a word again...old stuff, eh?   | |
|
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 11/5/2006 1:44:43 PM | I have experienced something worse than being stood up.
I met a woman months ago on another site, we talked and she did want to get off the phone since she liked talking to me. she lived 3 hours from me and we decided to meet. she wanted to drive the 3 hours to my place in the rain.
she finally showed up, I asked her if she wanted to relax after her drive and she wanted to call her friend and tell her that she made it to my place okay.
she sat reading the paper and just relaxing,while I went to my room and got things for our dates such as water and coats etc.
I told her to move her car do I could drive and to park it next to my other car etc. When I went outside to walk her to my car, SHE WAS GONE!
She was at my place for about 20 mins or less and did not say a word. she left without saying goodbye.
I emailed her and asked her what was on her mind. she told me that she was a single woman and that my walking around my OWN place made her nervous. We were the only ones there and I told her that I was getting things for our date.
In all honesty, she was 5 feet 10 inches tall and Im 6 foot. She was in great condition and could probably take me, : )
so, I would have rather been stood up than have my date leave for no apparent reason and to use
her excuse of being afraid. Since, everyone who talks with me knows that I'm not some type of creep.
When you are stood up, you have to remember, it's not about you. But, the person who is missing out on your company. | |
|
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 11/5/2006 2:00:17 PM | /\ /\ /\
Now that is odd!
Plays into the assumptions thing, though. She assumed you were a creep; you assumed she wasn't a flake.
Sounds like you were both wrong. Sorry that happened. Not nice. | |
|
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 11/5/2006 2:12:32 PM | | Dawn, I understand that you were disappointed, and rightly so. Your maturity shines through in the way that you have handled this situation. Take care and godbless. | |
|
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 11/5/2006 2:49:52 PM | I met a guy a bit back - not from on here otherwise i wouldnt post - and we were to meet for just coffee... he called to confirm the meeting... and then never showed...
I did leave him a message... nothing mean... just one of those "sorry you couldnt make it" messages...
havent heard from him since... my attitude is that it is his loss since he didnt bother to call and cancel, call to say he would be late, or call to apologize for ditching me...
I dont need to know the details... I just move on... | |
|
| |
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 12/13/2006 10:51:03 PM | It takes alot of courage for me to meet some one. I agree to meet some one and broke down on route. In the panic I had forgotten my mobile at home - so eventually when I did get home and tried to contact him - his phone was off.
Then I logged on and there was an extrememly rude message from him about how I had had no intention of meeting him and that I had hidden behind my son, he phoned the house and my son told him I had already left. What if l had been in an accident? Well l consider it a lesson well learnt at least l got to see his true colours before l actually met him. | |
|
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 12/14/2006 5:11:55 AM | i agree we shoud all remain calm,play down the assumptions,
but in most cases
ppl are not invited to alien spaceships/ lost in the woods/
tangled in a dogleash for 48 hours etc etc........ | |
|
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 12/14/2006 6:42:16 AM | | I give the benefit of the doubt the 1st time. I too have had someone I was supposedto meet have a break down or something of that nature enroute. If it happens a 2nd time however,then that's it. | |
|
| Being stood up, and false assumptions
Posted: 12/14/2006 9:57:45 AM | Im not sure if this qualifies as beeing stood up. But awhile ago, this guy I had met off another site and I had planned to meet for coffee and depending on how things went, we'd go to his place and hang out.
I got to the coffee shop, sat down waiting and waiting. He finally calls me and says he's parked outside. I waited for him to come in, but he never did. I called him back and he kept telling me to come out to his car. For some reason he was refusing to come inside. It made me a little nervous, but I relented and walked out to the parking lot. I saw him flashing his headlights so I started walking towards the car. All of a sudden, he starts the car and takes off! I tried to convince myself it wasnt him and that I was losing my mind, but after I tried calling him twice and he wouldnt pick up, I knew that it was.
I couldnt believe it. He came all this way just to leave. I didnt see him on line after that and I was sure he was gone for good. Finally a week later he comes on apologising saying things like even though he was the initator in the meeting, in the end he got scared. He also went into things like he was afraid of "falling in love" with me and getting hurt. 
Being scared is understandable...but to take off? I was scared to but at least I was there..and stayed.
In then end, we did end up meeting the very next day. Things went ok in the begining, but long story short..he's no longer in my life. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
