| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 4:39:43 PM | Has one been subjected to verbal abuse and if so is it as damaging as physical abuse? I cant help wondering why people abuse people at all?
Geri | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 4:45:44 PM | Physical abuse, verbal abuse............the ending is the same. Wow, just had a lightbulb moment. Been thru both and they are both just as ugly........nuff said. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 4:51:38 PM | Yes, when I was eighteen I married a thirty five year old man. He was so verbally abusive that I left after six months. I had to wait until he left for work to get my family to help me move out. I was also scared of what he might do to me physically.
The results of that
Lack of trust, low self esteem, inability to commit to a relationship. It took six years and the love of a really good man to get over all that. I usually look to see what possible motive someone might have when they approach me.... I still have trust issues. Not bad, but more cautious than your average jane
Hippienation obviously has never lived with a verbal abuser.. it is as bad as a fist in the stomach.. constant bombardment of how wrong you are, how worthless you are, how no good you are to anyone.. It's not someone hurting your feelings, it's not someone being a meanie! it is threatening, you have to experience it to know how bad it is. To have your hands start shaking the moment you hear his car pull up, to jump when he speaks... Yeah I would say that Hippie needs to take a walk in someone elses shoes.. Free will my arse! You have to live it to know it | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 4:54:35 PM | Physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse ... all abuse can be quite painful. Some choose to ignore their feelings about it ... denial ... but the pain is there and it's very real.
Those of us who have experienced any kind of abuse just have to figure out how we are going to deal with it so that it does not rule our lives ... eventually ruin our ability to have personal relationships with others. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 5:10:04 PM | Verbal abuse in many cases is worst than physical abuse. The cuts and bruises heal, the cruel words people speak can stay with you forever if you let them. Don't let them.
People normally abuse one another because they are so miserable themselves and have no self esteem, so they pick a target that is weaker and more vulnerable than themselves in order to make themselves feel more powerful or more worthy in their own eyes. In most cases abusive people have been abused themselves and it is a viscious cycle that must be stopped. The abusers themselves are in deep pain and denial and feel the need to lash out and inflict the pain that they themselves feel on others. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 5:10:34 PM | | hippienation...I trust you've never been verbally abused or your reaction to it would be very different. Unless you've lived it I don't think it's fair to tell someone the pain they feel from verbal abuse is imagined. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 5:15:46 PM | Verbal abuse is devistating to the self esteem. It can be overcome, but it is a very self absorbed process. By this I mean you have to spend time with yourself, do nice things for yourself, and learn to see yourself with a less critical eye and a more supportive one. Once you can begin to do that, everything changes. I became the best looking I had ever been in my life after such a relationship. During it I was the frumpiest and dull I had ever, and will ever, be.
Emotional abuse is also very challenging to recover from. It is important to not let such experiences change your perception of others. You cannot mistrust one person because of the actions of another in the past. You have to find self love or your doomed!
Physical abuse is easy to recover from. Walk away from it and it doesn't sting anymore. Many would disagree with that, but again I will say I don't believe it to be the aftermath of physical abuse, but rather the emotional that is leaving a mark.
I commend any woman who can stay and endure that... and then have the strength to put herself first and walk away in tact and find healing in her body, mind and spirit. | |
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arri
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Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 8 | |
| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 5:31:21 PM |
People can't damage each other with words.
Sticks and stones pal ...
Its not the words that cut deep. Its the meaning behind them that hurts. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 5:38:32 PM | @hippienation ...
Some choose to ignore their feelings about it (physical, verbal, & emotional abuse) ...denial ... but the pain is there and it's very real.
-cotter
You have it backwards. ;) Being from the medical field and having also personally experienced it myself ... I'll be sticking to what I was taught and my experience of personally dealing with it ... but thanks anyways for the information you offered.
Young people often jump right in and express opinions that they know little or nothing about ... that's okay ... with age comes maturity ... they will learn with time. | |
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zooom
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Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 10 | |
| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 5:44:46 PM | | Stick around this site a while. There are plenty of abusers posting insults. Maybe watching them in action will give you some insights. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 6:43:31 PM | Sounds like you believe in the "just say no" cure for drugs too!! LOL
 | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 6:56:43 PM | My ex who is a drunk and has been locked
up and on probation has found me at
this site and has been creating differant
users that seem like "nice guys" but
something was really odd and I emailed
the site owners and tonight he emailed
me pretending to be one of the "nice
guys" here and started his drunken
verbal abuse.
I just started a thread about it asking
what to do.
This guy says things to you that you
would not believe! Horrible, horrible
things. I asked in my thread how
to handle it following me here.
He is afraid to do in person anymore
because he knows he will get serious
jail time after he assaulted me on my
job.
What should I do?
Call the cyber police? How do you
handle it online when he is pretending
to be someone else? | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 7:12:49 PM | Verbal, Emotional, Physical and Economical and Physical and Spiritual abuse are real. They are tactics used by batterers to control people. Some cannot control themselves so they try very hard to control and micro-manage everything around them so that it seems as if they have some kind of control.
This situation, no matter how badly never gets better. Take it from someone who was with a micro-manager batterer for 14 yrs and married to him over 12 yrs. It is a vicious cycle.
The cycle goes like this imagine you had a circle.
There is much tension building, walking on eggshells> the explosion-where there is battering or emotional, mental, economical or physical abuse>then there is the "honeymoon phase" where the male realizes he wont ever do this again.
Truly, he realizes that he needs help and that he will indeed do it again. It is hard to not want to believe him if you love him and want things to work out, but truly things will not ever change unless there is intervention.
It only gets worse and worse over time. Take it from someone who almost lost her life because she wanted to believe that love could cure all, when I could have gotten us some help. Also from someone that had their husband break their seven month old baby's arm. If I would have only gotten some intervention before then.
It is a problem and often emotional abuse is the first sign then mental abuse then physical next. Look it up its all over the internet. Domestic Violence. Do something before it gets out of hand. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 7:33:39 PM | Amen sister and this guy does it all
Verbal, Emotional, Physical and Economical and Spiritual abuse.
He does all of them so careful ladies
he will be afraid to get me now through
this site and might turn towards you.
I hope not but......... watch out.
Wanted to add that he did get some court ordered help during probation and I tried to
give him many chances but in the end
it and I meant nothing. Trust me, I did every
thing that a woman could do to help in every
way over and over again. Some times you
can do nothing and must let it go.
I feel bad for him but he is the only one
that can help himself now. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 7:36:55 PM | Hippynation, good good good for you...
It's hard to believe you were not effected by any verbal abusiveness but when you are a kid and being raised by the very people you look to for guidence, nuturing and to understand about about "love", you tend to become "molded" by the interactions within your family unit.
It does effect you in may ways...relationships with others, self esteem, ablility to show love, a healthy self awareness and spirit. The difference in my daughters happiness, and mine growing up, is night and day.
I did not repeat the mistakes that were unloaded on me and for that, I am truly blessed!
But good for you... | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 7:37:44 PM | @hippieNation
wow.... you truly believe that don't you? Of course it hurts because you let it hurt you. I agree with you... but if the person you love calls you a "F*cking stupid c*nt" because the potatoes came out a little undercooked, OF COURSE YOUR FEELINGS ARE GOING TO GET HURT and then you get hurt and TA DA... you are the proud owner of a verbally abusive partner.
I would agree with you more if you would say, It's up to us to not to stick around and continue getting verbally abused...but that is a whole other redundant thread in itself.
good luck with your "mind over matter" lifestyle there dude and don't let the door hit you in the a** one of these days...
Peace. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 7:41:14 PM | Physical abuse leaves PHYSICAL scars, which people tend to be able to see. Verbal abuse, people can't see the physical scars, so it is very hard to see and understand. BOTH are extremely hard to over come, but can be done with therapy and lots of forgiveness to yourself.
As for why people abuse? I don't think anyone can answer that question...there are probably thousands of 'reasons' why people do it. They can justify it in their minds, for whatever reason. | |
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| Verbal Abusers...
Posted: 11/6/2006 7:43:16 PM | Hippienation -
You are entitled to your opinion - however, based on my experience, you are incorrect. People CAN and ARE damaged by words. They may just be words, but words are FELT.
*Hey, double post* woo-hoo | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 8:20:10 PM | | Hippie...the fact that people have to go through a process to feel good about themselves proves that words can hurt you. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 8:25:14 PM | | ^^^^^^^^^^^AMEN to that...... | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/6/2006 8:42:44 PM | glad you got away. I had a dear colleague who was thoughtful, charming, etc... until you really got to know him. What happened to you (age difference and all) is still happening to my friend his wife... except she's still there. I was in a pasture near their house feeding my horses -- this is about 150 yards from their house which was all closed up -- and I could hear his screaming all that way away. did you find that your first husband seemed terrific at first, but then started devaluing you a little at a time... then a little more and more, til you looked back and wondered how on earth that happened?
I had no romance with this guy, who has a five year pattern of wooing coworkers, making much of them (female, I should say), then shooting them down and when a situation gets tough (like life or death tough) he pulls the trap door. If this had just been me I'd have been sure it was my fault... but I watched it three times this year (self, and two others)... I never would have believed it. It's evil.
and the scary part is it is so easy to think "if I just could do something right." it would be okay.
thank goodness there was never a romance. congrats to you on finding someone good to love. I'm so sad for his wife, but she seems to believe that her value is to be told she's stupid and to be insulted... (she's one of the smartest women I know, very fit and cute, with a good job, her own skilled business, and ranch and home making skills.
I don't understand the appeal... and I used to adore them both. now they scare me. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/7/2006 2:12:47 AM | The problem with verbal abuse is that is much harder to identify and therefore harder to get help, support and to understand that we have to leave the relationship. "Maybe", we think "if I just do better and don't do the the things that set him/her off the barrage will stop"; but it doesn't stop because it doesn't come from us it comes from a defect in the abuser---like all abuse. Physical abuse is easily identified. If a verbal abuser were inflict the same amount of emotional damage through a beating the physical marks would be enough to land him/her in jail. I also think that healthy people would be more likely to leave a physially abusive relationship then a verbally abusive one.
Some people in relationships have arguments that lead to yelling matches---while this is not the best way to communicate it is not true verbal abuse. True verbal abuse (like all abuse) requires a power imballance. Post no. 4 was of a 18 year old women married to a 35 year old man who was verbally abusive---a very powerful message. The trust issues created of being ground down by someone that you loved and who should have been your protector are huge. I know one lady who as a child was verbally abused by her mother---she is 38 years old and married with children to a great guy but still that influence is obvious in her personality. She was not destroyed by it but it is there none the less. All in all I would say while all abuse is abuse, verbal abuse is insidious because it is under reported and under estimated in it's damaging impact.
My advice as far as evaluating abuse is this: is your relationship tending to build you up or leave you fatigued? do you feel more secure as time goes by? do you tend to have more conflict and criticism from your partner? do you have a feeling of peace and well being or of apprehension and fear? If the trend in your relationship is that these indicators are negative then you should take a long hard look at where your going and probably say goodbye before you are turned into a hollow shell of your former self. YOU DESERVE BETTER AND CAN DO BETTER---EVERYONE DESERVES BETTER THAN THAT. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/7/2006 2:59:03 AM | woman can be the biggest verbal abusers out there i recently encountered a jackly and hide with my ex fiance when she didnt get her own way she started snaping into another character. This character would call names get violent and cry and cry and cry. I later in the relationship learner that this was all due because of her parents. she pulled a couple of these episodes at her parents on x mas dinner and thanksgiving and her parents totally gave into her. I later aswell started giving in to her, but the abuse kept growing and growing and soon every other day i was called a name or told i wasnt treating her right.
I htought bending over backwards has gone on too long and i moved on and she moved out.
All in all abuse is a game , getting another angry to fuel your own anger that in return hurts both.
I learned to shut up and let her disstranged episodes dissapear. the "cant beat em join em" phrase doesnt work in this one.
skipper
aka lonely father
merry x mas | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/7/2006 10:32:15 AM | I was married to one that took all his anger out on me with daily verbal insults, with all his own issues projected on to me, I used to take one look at him when I collected him from work to see what sort of weekend was in store for me. I only knew this man for 6 months before I married him in which time he seemed charming, the day after I married him he was yelling abuse at me and had me crying in the street. I spent the honeymoon crying out of the hotel window and the abuse became physical and sexual when I got pregnant. Baby number two was conceived by him ripping a condom off and inseminating me with force. When I finally escaped he looked horrified and said he thought I was happy, he now tries to harrass me and poison our children against me.
Its great to be free but I am scared of committment now incase I get another wolf in sheeps clothing as behaviour patterns like this is not my idea of love !
Geri | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/7/2006 3:53:31 PM | | geri....if you let him change you, he has won. | |
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