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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/10/2006 1:39:38 PM | Social Security Application
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten
disability, too." | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/10/2006 1:41:51 PM | Athens, (GA)--UGA football practice was delayed nearly two hours today
after
> a player reportedly found an unknown white powdery substance on the
practice
> field. Head coach Mark Richt immediately suspended practice and called
the
> police and federal investigators.
>
> After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the
white
> substance, unknown to players, was the GOAL LINE.
>
> Practice resumed after special agents decided that the team was
unlikely to
> encounter the substance again this season.
> | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/10/2006 2:26:56 PM | | He's gone, lived up to his screenname, time for some fun! | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/10/2006 2:54:08 PM | T. Bubba Bechtol, part time City Councilman from Midland, TX , was
asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought
of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted
his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the
audience.
>
> "If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables
will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say":
>
> > 1. "Red is positive"
> > 2. "Black is negative" | |
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Freja
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Joined: 8/6/2006
Msg: 5 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/10/2006 2:59:17 PM | | Hmmm seems to me like someone here has a multiple personality.... | |
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Freja
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Joined: 8/6/2006
Msg: 6 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/10/2006 3:31:22 PM | | Featherbrains and kangeroos doesnt match... | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/10/2006 3:34:43 PM | Does anyone act the same all the time? Does a comedian laugh when he is spanking his kids? Does a Preacher talk like he is preaching when he is making passes at his wife? Ohaa Babbyaa Pleasaahhh Gimmeaaaahh someaaa off thattaaaaa sweetaaaa Poontangaaaa .  | |
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Freja
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Joined: 8/6/2006
Msg: 8 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/10/2006 3:37:27 PM | | A deeper kind of crap...and a worse smell... | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/10/2006 3:39:18 PM | | A sence of humor must not be in style in sweden, but here, laughter is the best medicine. Thats why its a JOKES forum. | |
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Freja
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Joined: 8/6/2006
Msg: 10 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/10/2006 3:42:11 PM | | Ur right Bigdaddy!They got no sense of humor here,those pathetic sheep smiles at farts and fatsos...but I try to learn... | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/10/2006 3:43:10 PM | Freja, I was mocking the way some preachers talk, its humor, not meant to be insulting. | |
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Freja
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Joined: 8/6/2006
Msg: 12 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/10/2006 3:44:47 PM | | Since the preacher is Gone... ok then,i can understand that! | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/10/2006 6:02:19 PM | Please, a modicum of respect for the dearly departed. He cancelled his account at 9:31 am, on this date. A moment of silence, if you please...........
Besides, how do we truly know he is gone? This is the internet people, never assume anything,,,,,assumption is the mother of all f*ck-ups.
Ok, wanna hear a dirty joke?
Two white horses fell in a mud puddle.......
three came out.
 NOT!! | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/11/2006 3:27:16 AM | Blu,
I agree, he might be back under a difefrant name. As for respect, I guess I could show 1 momentm, even though he didnt! I am sure the day I cancell here, there will be partying in the streets , as I kinow I am not exactly the most beloved guy in the forums! | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/11/2006 6:09:43 AM | Good one, DK!!
BD~~ suffice it to see, I don't quite understand why you think you are disliked? I, for one, think you are a pretty straight up man, and enjoy reading your posts. No party in my neck of the woods, believe that.
OK, so God, Jesus and Moses are all out playing golf.
Moses tees off, his ball goes off to the right, lands and rolls into a pond.
Grumbling, he walks to the waters edge, raises his arms, parts the water and hits his ball out and onto the green.
Jesus tees off. Same thing happens. Jesus walks onto the water, raises his ball up to the top and hits it on the green
God tees off. Same thing again! EXCEPT, this time, just as it rolls to the waters edge, a frog hops up and swallows the ball. As the frog jumps into the water, a bass jumps up and swallows the frog. As the bass is going back into the water, an eagle swoops down, grabs the bass and flies off. As it passes over the green, a bolt of lightning flashes down, hits the eagle. Eagle lets go of the bass. Bass falls on the green, frog pops out of its mouth. Frog hits the ground, ball pops out of its mouth, rolls across the green into the cup for a hole-in-one.
Moses turns to Jesus and says:
Man, I HATE playing with your Dad!!!!
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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 16 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/11/2006 7:24:37 AM | Sorry this was just too funny to pass up.... enjoy...
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.
"Go get help." he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/11/2006 9:47:54 PM | | A wealthy man dies and goes to Heaven. He brings with him all of his earthly belongings when he meets St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter says: “Oh, my… you know, you can’t bring any of that in here.” The man pleads his case, he worked so hard for everything and can’t bear to leave it all behind. Finally St. Peter agrees to discuss the situation with his boss, who says, “Fine, let him bring in just one suitcase.” The man is overjoyed! He goes through everything and loads up one of his largest bags and presents it to St. Peter for inspection. It is filled to the brim with solid gold bars. St. Peter looks at his quizzically and says: “You brought pavement?” | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/13/2006 3:37:10 PM | > The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous
staff
> meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one
> pretty sharp boss!)
>
> When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of
having
> fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have
a
> quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
>
> The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally
written
> for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight
variations
> were acceptable.
>
> About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and
created a Top Ten List.
With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week
> went very well for everyone.
>
> The top ten were:
>
> 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
>
> 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
>
> 8. Viagra, Like a rock!
>
> 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
>
> 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
>
> 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
>
> 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
>
> 3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
>
> 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
>
> And the unanimous number one slogan:
>
> 1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/13/2006 3:40:53 PM | >> A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a
blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
>
> He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
>
> She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
>
> He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
>
> The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her
biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
>
> The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
>
> The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
>
> "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
>
> The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'."
>
>
>
> | |
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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 20 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/13/2006 4:50:38 PM | Good One Bigdaddy. Here's one for you...or should I say 6....lol
6 Classic affairs
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying **stard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work." | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/15/2006 6:35:38 AM | Ok, a little "off-color", but here goes anyway.
2 men were having a debate one day about whose penis was longer. They decided to have a little contest. they would go stand at the edge in the middle of the bridge at the edge of town, and dangle their penises over the side. Whoever's penis hung the lowest, would be the winner. Well, they go to the bridge and let 'em hang. the first man says to the second "man, this water is cold". The second replies "yeah, it's DEEP, too!".
Guess who won?
Buahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaah!!!!!!!!!
Oh man, I crack myself up sometimes...............
Of course, this could also be the reason why I don't quit my day job, either........... | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/15/2006 2:57:11 PM | God was sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need You anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the "beginning."
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man." "Well now, that's interesting. Show Me." So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,
(I love this!)
"Get your own dirt." | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/15/2006 9:13:54 PM | did you know that women have four types of orgasms
the first is the positive orgasm......"Oh Yes YEs YES!!!"
the second is the negative orgasm....." no...no...no..."
the third is the religious orgasm...."Oh God! Jesus!!!"
and the the fourth is the fake orgasm "Oh BigDaddy...oh!!!!"
HAHAHAHAA....no offense Bigdaddy but the joke is only funny when u use someone's name....so for the forum I chose your screen name because I liked all your jokes...hey its all in good fun...but ladies this is a great joke to tell to guys just use their name for the fake orgasm part the reactions you will get are hilarious!!!! LOL | |
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