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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/10/2006 7:47:55 PM | You folks ever get just down in the dumps and stuff? I do from time to time, like I am tonight...and could really do with a good joke to snap my ass out of it. I'll start us off with a limerick.
The bishop one Sunday, in the lurch
After eating a pound of spoiled perch
Emitted a blast
In the middle of mass
That extinguished all the candles in church
Cheers! | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/10/2006 8:05:10 PM | | There were three ministers that met each Tuesday morning for breakfast. So one Tuesday having conversation,one suggested each confess his besetting sin. The first minister admitted he enjoyed having a few drinks and watching sex videos. The second minister admitted to having affairs, next the third minister sort of bowed his head and raised it sudden and said,well,my besetting sin is Gossip and I can't wait to get to church on Sunday.... | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/10/2006 8:34:40 PM | Shake Hands With the Devil
People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared
at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon
everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do"
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And, you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years." | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/10/2006 8:46:42 PM | A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f.... your brains out, and s..k your t.ts dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job." | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/10/2006 8:56:47 PM | A forty year old woman comes home from her yearly physical. She tells her husband that the doctor really complimented her on how well she had taken care of herself. She went on to tell her husband about the doctor commenting on how firm her breasts were and how smooth her skin was and how firm her muscles were. As she is telling her husband, she is glowing with pride.
Her husband is beginning to get a little jealous about all the compliments the doctor gave to his wife while she was naked. So the husband asks, "Well, what did he have to say about your 40 yo a$$hole?" Without missing a beat, she replied, "Nothing Dear, your name never came up." | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/10/2006 9:41:46 PM | | looking for one good woman. must be able to cook, sew, catch and clean fish, bait her own hook and owns boat and motor. please send photo of boat and motor | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/10/2006 10:50:09 PM | There was this little boy and little girl, they were curious about how they looked different,
the little boy said, I'll show you mine if you'll show me your's, she said ok,so the little girl pulled her panties down and he looked, she said, your turn, he said no way, you already broke your's off..........moonglow  | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/10/2006 11:47:16 PM | >>"It looks as if I did a pretty good job."<<
Good one.
Judge said "Fifty Years" and banged the gavel. Defendant cried out, "Fifty years, I can't do no fifty years" Judge, "Well, just do as many as you can."
Just saw this on an old SNL skit. Guys parodying Bush and Cheney, addressing the then search for Saddam. "Don't think you can fool us with your look-a-likes. Because we're going to take out anyone who even looks remotely like you." | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/11/2006 6:50:46 AM | These two little old ladies are sitting together on a pew in church. The first little old lady leans over to the second and wispers, "my butt feel asleep!".
The second little old lady wispers back, " i know! i could hear it snore!"
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/11/2006 8:48:39 AM | Do you know what a blonde and a computer have in Common???
You never appreciate either one until they go down on you. | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/11/2006 9:35:37 AM | One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!" | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/11/2006 10:15:52 AM | The Cat in the Hat - on Aging
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my god, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years
Have come at last
The Golden Years
Can kiss my a$$!
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/11/2006 10:17:54 AM | One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
Well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
The farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
Well needed to be covered up anyway;
It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and
Help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
To shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
Donkey realized what was happening and cried
Horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
Quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
Looked down the well. He was astonished at what
He saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
Back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
Dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
Off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
Stepped up over the edge of the well and
Happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
Of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
Is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
Our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
Of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
Never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less.
NOW ............
Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back,
And bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
The farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover
Your a**, it always comes back to bite you.
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/11/2006 12:53:03 PM | " i never saw a purple cow ,
i never hope to see one...
but i can tell u anyhow ,
i'd rather see than be one!"
he he
and my good ole buddy james told me my fave one :
2 muffins sittin in an oven . one says to the other" u think it's gettin a lil hot in here ?"
the other muffin screams out "holy shit, it's a talkin muffin..."
i love it !  | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/11/2006 1:54:12 PM | | their were three preachers and their wifes on their way to a bible conference, well they had a bad accident and all died. so when they got to the pearly gates, in line. the first couple stood and was told that they would NOT be allowed to enter because the preacher loved money so much that he married a woman named penny.poof---gone to hell, the secound preacher and wife stepped forward, and was told that because he loved alcohol so much, he even married a woman named brandy, poof--gone to hell.so the third couple looked at each othe, and the preacher said to his wife, come on fanny--i don't think were going to be welcome here------------hahahahahahahahahaha | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/11/2006 1:58:01 PM | A blonde walks into the downtown Circut City. One of the clerks walks up and says "May i help you ma`am?". She looks around and replies,"Yes i need curtains for my computer." He looks at her..confused.."Curtains Ma`am?". "Yes," she replies " i think in pink." "Ma`am i'm a little confused here... why would you want curtains for your computer?" He asks.
The blonde looks at the clerk , tosses her hair and placing a hand on her hip gives a disgusted sigh. "DUH! I have WINDOWSSSSSSSSS" | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/11/2006 2:01:35 PM | A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bar. For the
sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated
code word. The brunette walks up to the bartender and says,
"Hey give me an ML." The bartender nods his head and hands
her a Miller Lite.
Following her, the redhead walks up to the bartender and says,
"I'd like a BL." Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a
Bud Lite.
Last, the blonde walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me
a Fifteen."
"A Fifteen?" the bartender replies, "What the hell is that?"
"Oh, you know," the blonde says, "A Seven and Seven." | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/11/2006 2:03:54 PM | Chuck, i honestly thought i had heard every blonde joke in the book...i stand corrected...lol. I love it. PS..im a blonde..lol
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice?
It said "concentrate" | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/11/2006 2:07:52 PM | A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her.
She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, now she's angry!
She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!"
"Shut up," she says, "You're next." | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/11/2006 2:22:42 PM | A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette
went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After
waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the
bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and
pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened
in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"
The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!" | |
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