| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 6:14:29 AM | Inspired by the thread about people who have caught their fish, this is something I have noticed and have been thinking of for a long time. We had that thread...why are you single. There were a lot of good posts, and opinions there.
The lucky couples who have found their fish are mostly all under 40. Yet MOST of us over 40 folks are still doing the single thing. Now I have a few views and theories on this, but these are my views.
Over 40: Maybe we are too set in our ways and are not wanting to change, or adapt to another person sharing our lives? Maybe we all like sleeping on the same side of the bed and no one wants to compromise and sleep on the left side?
Most of us are well past childbearing, or even if we were not, we don't want to breed!
A lot of us have demanding Teens, pre teens, or children that make us THINK there is no room for a new partner.
A lot of us had a very NASTY breakup from our previous long term relationship and are really gun shy about falling into a repeat situation!
Personally, I am very flexible and can sleep on any side of the bed, so that does not wash with me.
I am past childbearing...surgically enhanced sports model here! 
I am sort of an empty nester....I have my oldest son living with me and he is 26. He has no say in what I do, where I go, or who I go out with. So in return, I really would prefer a man who has the same freedom.
My exhusband was/is one of a kind and if there is anyone else out there like him, I am sure someone would have shot him by now, so I don't think I will come across another 'HIM'.
So I just blew apart some of my own theories!
I also looked at a few things that were negative in my life, and have been working on changing them. Everyone says be yourself, but being myself has not got me anywhere. I can't change who I am inside, but I can change who I am outside. For health reasons and self-esteme, I have made a lot of changes. I get out to the parties when I can, yet still no nibbles. No one even asks me for a dance unless he is a good 'FRIEND'.
So I am stumped! There are a lot of men in the right age frame on this site. I have chatted with a few, but unlike some women, my email inbox is rarely visited.
I am ready to give 120% to a relationship which I always do, I want the same in return. In love, I am your best investment on your heart. I'm a keeper, a good catch and all that jazz. Until I meet the right one, ya don't friggin deserve me!
So, please folks...this is NOT ABOUT ME. I would like to hear others views on why most people over 40 are not matching up with someone??? | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 6:26:21 AM | Being an under 40 -- I really can't say but man -- your post points out that most of the hook-ups have been people in my age range and here I am - mostly nibbleless but lots of friends.
 So I thought I'd reply to know that someone is listening to what you say - and is in a similar boat... | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 6:40:31 AM | Awesome thread, Greenize (but you always do post some kick butt ones).
I'll post views from a 30 year old laters when I wake up just a little bit more, and my brain is starting to tick.
Hugs..
Spanks
xo | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 6:53:00 AM | Keep the faith greanize!!
With patience and optimism, I have had the opportunity to meet several really nice men... and, recently, one particularly special one... | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 6:55:44 AM | /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Please, this is not about me! You are missing the point. I am looking for different folks views as to why under 30's are matching up all over the place, but over 40's seem to have a more grueling time in finding someone to share time with! | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 7:01:08 AM | | Hummm...different expectations with regards to who is a "fit" (we have been there, done that, ain't doing that again); emotional walls are not quite as high and solidified; less established in their lifestyle, and more willing to be flexible; youthful optimism and carefree spirit....heck I dont know...LOL | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 7:02:56 AM | Most under-30s are just beginning to experience life it in its fullest, its most difficult, and its toughest. They have yet to have been folded/bent/stapled/mutilated so many times that they have a hard time recovering....they're still in the bounce-back stages.
The younger you are, the easier it is to make new friends, enter into new relationships...you have your entire future ahead of you, and you know (!) that if this one doesn't work, there's lots of time for others.
Its more difficult for the older generation, because we are all of those things. The infamous been-there-done-that gang. We've all at least got the t-shirts, some have the matching hats, and have the whole wardrobe. | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 7:06:24 AM | | You forgot the shoes...and you do make a lot of sense. So in acknowledging all that, and accepting it, how do we process it, fold the old dresses and put them away, and get a new wardrobe? Preferrably clothes that will be stored in a closet for two! | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 7:26:22 AM | It's never over until it's over!!
I think that most over 40 have a self depreciating point of view on life and what's left of thier life. They find excuses and barriers to barring thier availability - most posted by the OP. It can be said that at this point in life you have to let yourself free of the barriers and open yourself to new experiences instead of shutting yourself down to starting a new life full of adventures. Instead of thinking life has little to offer the over 40's - reverse that thinking and open up a whole new world, that can be yours for the taking. Think of it as 'ME time' - forget the ties that bind you and know that you are vibrant and deserving of a happy fulfilling life, that excites you and stimulates you. No more excuses - because that's all they are - anything you can think of that holding you back, is just simply an excuse!!! | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 7:48:47 AM | I've been told by male fishies in my age group they don't want anyone in their own age group - guess they're looking for the trophy fish????
And several who want to play but not take anything serious.
One who talked marriage before we even met!
Although I am partial to one particular side of the bed, I'm more than willing to compromise on just about anything else.
It still baffles me... | |
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GUMMLE
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Joined: 10/15/2005
Msg: 11 | |
| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 8:48:18 AM | I can't speak for anyone else...
But I have found recently...
That the longer I am single...
Without that level of interaction...
One gets from dating...
Or being in a relationship...
The more selfish and self centered...
I've become...
I am not as patient as I once was...
Or should be...
And I've even started to become...
A bit caustic with my comments...
And not just with potential dates...
Or women in general...
But everyone...
And it reminds me a bit of a few posters...
That I shudder the thought of imitating...
Mayhap it is time to step away...
And sort some things out...
And possibly...
I'm not the only one...
Awesome thread... | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 9:00:27 AM | Try dating people who are not POF members. I am enjoying myself in the real world.... let the younger ones rule the web sites.... they grew up on video games and now they extended their childhood years of training to an adult version of "Playstation".
I am enjoying friendships off line...... with those who are not dependant on a keyboard to manufacture their personality. | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 9:15:23 AM |
And I've even started to become...
A bit caustic with my comments...
And not just with potential dates...
Or women in general...
But everyone...
And it reminds me a bit of a few posters...
That I shudder the thought of imitating...
Mayhap it is time to step away...
You are so right Gummel. I find I get more caustic after every disappointment, that I feel sometimes I need to step away. A person gets played so many times, that when you do finally get to talk to someone that has 'potential', you can tend to be a bit more brisk with them then you would normally be. I personally have no time for the men who want to immediately start discussing sex, or open mindedness, or my place or his. It tells me right away that he may say he is looking for long term, but how long is long term in his books? One night? As a result, every time I start to talk to someone new, I am waiting for the shoe to drop, so I have little to no trust in anything that man has to say.
We are grown ups here, and there is no time or place for games in our lives anymore, but the more you stress that, the more the games keep playing. Mental energy should not be pushed to the point of exhaustion in dealing with the different scenarios that we are put through.
Still, even though I would like to step back, walk away, turn off the computer, go into hybernation, I still want some companionship. I have a concert coming up that I am going to and no one to share my second ticket with. Christmas is coming, and no one to play with under the mistletoe or share the bliss and romance of the season. Ski season coming up and no one to fall in the snow with. You all get the point....it gets fustrating...especially when you do meet someone who says all the right things, promises all the right things, has all the 'surface' potential to be that companion, but then the excuses start: I have to deal with something with my ex, my sister needs a ride to 'whatever whatever', my buddy wants me to go to the cottage for the weekend, I slept in and now it is too late for us to go......
As one poster said...been there, got the whole freaking wardrobe!
And then there is another crush thread. I am dismayed at one crush I see there on the list. I know for a fact it is a false profile....which I have reported and nothing has been done...but someone has fallen for some schmucks lines and has crushed him. So, as difficult as it is to find someone suitable for us all, we still have to contend with that garbage. Make no wonder we get impatient and caustic!
There...that is my rant!  | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 9:21:25 AM | Awe my dear MI. Again we are going to disagree here. You may very well have the idea that I am dependant on a keyboard to manufacture my personality hun, but I have MADE my personality all of my 48 years. This is one helluva good post! I have my personality, my good job, my home and am pretty much independant. What I seem to run into is this:
1. They are always leary as something better may come along. So they love to shop and play.
2. They are so damned bitter from the past, they can't see past the nose on their face.
3. A lot are simply not looking to change their lifestyle, but they sure want the fringe benefits of having a lady in their life.
4. They make you feel as though you should "compete" for their affection. If you are not attentive enough,they let you know they will move on.
5. If they do not meet any of the criteria above? Then they are a Momma's boy looking to replace their live in housekeeper.
I have 2 kids at home, not quite young enough to be on their own yet, but IF I was to meet someone who made me want to change my life, I would and could make the effort! I merge dating between the "real" world as you call it and net life. To me there is no difference between either. | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 10:28:08 AM | And it reminds me a bit of a few posters...
That I shudder the thought of imitating...
Mayhap it is time to step away...
And sort some things out...
And possibly...
I'm not the only one.
Maybe you misinterpret who the bitter ones are. I see some very popular personalities and very active party goers in these forums who are bitter, yet hide that bitterness through smiles and attention seeking.
Making statements about others as you have, just because you feel you are becoming that way, is short sighted.... it's rather arrogant to suggest others should leave this site just because you are considering to do so.
Again, it comes down to labeling people simply because they do not meet up to your expectations.... that's typical.
vvvvvvv I can't say that I have been the selfish type. As far as the self centred stuff goes... I don't see how that is strictly a 40's thing.... it's quite prevelant in all age groups... even the party events are turning into a competition among the hosts of different events - of all age groups. I think it has become a normal practise to pick on the 40 something group.... I noticed it mostly starting when the cougars were demeaning the 40 something men... it seem to catch on and others seem to believe it.
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 10:30:50 AM | I can’t say I can argue with any of the points made so far. I wish I could, jeez that’s a whole list of reasons. No wonder us over 40’s have so much trouble hooking up.
Especially Gummle’s comments about becoming more selfish and self-centered. There is a lot of truth to that, even if it’s hard to admit it.
Most of us are pretty content with our lives as they are. Are we willing to risk that contentment for happiness? Maybe not. It’s better to be alone than with the wrong person. Anyone single and over 40 probably learned that lesson the hard way. | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 10:41:01 AM | | Sheesh MI! Hope you don't include me in that last statement. I am a fairly happy go lucky kind of person. Sure, I get the singles dulldrums from time to time. It's only human. I do not think Gummel was suggesting others leave. And if he is labelling, I think you did the same thing with your statement that the happy folks here hide their bitterness through smiles. Come to think of it? If I was bitter I would sure as heck prefer to smile as opposed to running around with a scowl! I think some of us just get a tad discouraged at times. You included MI and I know you know that! | |
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GUMMLE
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Joined: 10/15/2005
Msg: 18 | |
| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 11:14:43 AM |
Making statements about others as you have, just because you feel you are becoming that way, is short sighted.... it's rather arrogant to suggest others should leave this site just because you are considering to do so.
Again, it comes down to labeling people simply because they do not meet up to your expectations.... that's typical.
Pot calling the kettle black?
I wasn't pointing fingers...
Or labeling anyone...
Nor will I...
My arrogance was in believing...
That I had not changed...
The only person that I would hope...
To meet my expectations is me...
And one of those expectations...
Is that I would be a stronger person...
Than to give into bitterness...
In that, I have failed...
I never said anything about leaving...
Or suggesting others do...
I simply commented that there may be others...
Who might benefit...
From taking a hard look at themselves...
And again, not pointing fingers...
I said that I needed to step away for a while...
The intention...
To do some soul searching...
To find and fix...
What I do not like about me...
For me...
And not for anyone else...
I am not here to argue over my thoughts...
Whether taken out of context or not...
Whether viewed with a defensive eye or not...
I am merely stating my views...
And sharing the decision I made...
Only short hours before this thread was posted...
Take what you will from my post...
But do not insinuate...
That I am making a personal judgement...
Of anyone other than myself...
Simply because I wish not to be bitter...
And choose to be better...
Than I am... | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 11:46:14 AM |
I am not here to argue over my thoughts...
I would like to think that no one is here to argue over anyone's thoughts. How do we grow and develop if we do not hear or see another persons thoughts. The most valuable thing an individual can contribute to a discussion is their personal viewpoints and thoughts.
So getting back to the ORIGINAL point of this thread....why most people over 40 are not matching up with someone???...or have we just seen an example of why, based on a few posts in this thread????? Just a view I have made and me posting my personal thoughts!
Is it because we are:
Set in our ways?
Fear of falling into something as bad as we had before?
Unable to open up and step outside our boundaries?
Not willing to look at someone who does not 'fit our norm'?
Too busy in our lives to find a balance between home, work, and dating?
Unwilling to compromise?
What can you add to this and how can we overcome some of these shortfalls? | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 12:06:21 PM | | just wait till its over 50 then try to find someone not an easy chore at all the longer being single and not liking it goes on the harder it becomes to break the cycle ive almost given up i consider myself to be quite flexable and open minded about all this but in the same breathe aprehensive that im going to get dumped again not a good feelin at all thats my two cents | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 12:12:41 PM | I only became single after 40 and I will tell you yes I am set in my ways. I had fear of falling into something as bad as before and it was that fear that kept my heart at bay, unwilling to let someone into my own little single world I had established for myself. Coming home after a hard days work and only worrying about me and my daughter. Not having to put on a smile for my partner if I didnt feel like. Not having to compromise with someone. Stepping outside those boundaries? Hell no, I set up a safe boundary and nobody was getting in. It kept my heart safe from heartbreak...but as you stay single longer and longer you miss all of the stuff you found yourself protecting yourself from. When I realized I was not perfect and nobody else is I opened up my mind and started dating. It wasn't easy..I was looking for perfection as I was not going to settle...or so I thought...but I have come to realize it isnt settling...it is called compromise and it is the one most important thing I learned to do and I finally met my fish.....we compromise all the time...and I am so glad I let him into my little safe world and now it has become an exciting world for us both.
open up your soul to possibilities and to future dreams without putting all those walls up and restrictions....life is to be shared...we are not lone people and dont do all that well alone(most of us anyways) I hope you all find the "one" so many great people on here I still wonder why your all single....sorry as I may not have provided anything unique to this thread but those are my thoughts.......hugs..... | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 4:56:00 PM | | OH MY look what i get to look forward too after 40 comes 44 lol and theres no fish oiiiiiiiii is that not just grand,May i ask where did they all go ,or are they all polywogs and carp,does this mean i must move to the Thousand islands hehehehe,oh sheesh that can be a salad dressing also,you know no matter your age its always gonna be tough to catch a fish,if they are not biting then we need to move up stream,I hate fishing anyways everyone tells you to have patience and relax and be quiet and they will come lmao how much patience does it fricken take for a fish to bite lol | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 7:03:47 PM | Is it because we are:
Set in our ways?
Fear of falling into something as bad as we had before?
Unable to open up and step outside our boundaries?
Not willing to look at someone who does not 'fit our norm'?
Too busy in our lives to find a balance between home, work, and dating?
Unwilling to compromise?
I think it is all of these things.... PLUS....
We try to rush things... we are feeling our age, and are not liking the thought of spending our later years alone. As you said earlier, Greanize, our kids are either on their own, or soon will be, and we are feeling our mortality.
BUT... where in there did we truly take time to learn who WE are again???... to take stock of who we are now... how we have changed because of the 'stuff of life'... as Gummle suggested he is doing. Many of us don't... or if we do, we do it privately, and there are no guidelines. When we do take the time to take stock, do we come back, change our dating habits... do we think outside "our norm" ... or do we keep it to ourself?.... and come back with the same old approach.
I know that I took the breaks, did the assessment of myself, and relaxed, as Mirage suggested.... but even then, it took some major amounts of pushing from a few friends on my side and at least one on his side, before my sweetie and I saw each other "that way." He was a friend already, had been for a year... I knew he was a decent man.... but we already had that friendship.... things were not rushed.... and so far, it is working.... but we both did a lot of growing in the past few years. We both know that we were 'not ready' even six months ago. Just my thoughts.... ~R
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 8:20:41 PM | << is over 40 and a bbw, i find most men r looking for someone younger,slender... recently i was told by a pof that i look like the type who just wants to have sex yes i was ofended but not about to lose my believes in my morals i love to joke around and some take me way out of context i have feelings and hurt just the same as everyone else, some ppl need to take the time and read ppls profiles
plus i get told "i'm bitter " bc i have my own opinions and thoughts and i speak my mind | |
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| Over 40 and no fish!
Posted: 11/11/2006 8:37:11 PM | docdirt: I am in fact over 50...just used the "40" number as a reference point..the odds just seem to get worse as we get older!
I understand where most fishies posting here are coming from... I have taken breaks from the whole dating thing, re-evaluated things, priorities, etc..... and made changes where I felt they were necessary without compromising my morals, values.... still to be disappointed and hurt. I'm not afraid of putting myself out there cause you have to take a risk and getting hurt is part of it...but geez, isn't there just one little fishy out there somewhere???? | |
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