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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 10:15:56 AM | Why is it no one wants to date a guy that's disabled? I recently hurt my back at work and while finding out what was hurt they discovered I have a rare for of muscular distrophy. I still get around and care for myself just fine and try to say some what active and have talked to lots of women but when I tell them about my health issues 90% say it doesn't matter yet they never write back and the ones that do all say the same thing. "you are a great guy and some woman will be glad to know you". So what does a guy with a disability have to do to get a date? Some have said I shouldn't tell them till after we have met and dated a while but I feel that's deceiving.  | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 12:00:52 PM | REALTIONSHIPS NEED 3 THINGS.
A relationship needs 3 things in common for it to have a chance: common beauty, common morals, common intellect. If you are missing any of these 3 things you relationship will be bumpy and die eventually. If you have these 3 things in common your disability won't matter. It's likely one of these 3 things is missing. | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 12:18:30 PM | If you're well enough to walk around and don't need constant care, then I don't see why your health issues need to be discussed upfront.
It's like walking up to someone and saying, "Hi, I'm Fred, I have fallen arches, my arteries are 50% clogged, I perspire heavily whenever I see chickens and I sometimes pee when I sneeze."
We don't need to know this. If and when we get to the point of being more than acquaintances, these things will come up of there own accord. | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 12:24:15 PM | I am going to vote not to delete this thread, but next time you should do a thread search. I know this has been done before.
I am sorry to hear you are having so much difficulty, and at the risk of being cliche I will say this. You will meet someone someday who will love you for you, whether or not this leads to marriage is another story. It may take you a lifetime to find her, but you will. Yes it will probably take a lot of time and even more patience, but if you don't let it get you down, and you don't become bitter, you will find her. Women are attracted to happy people with lots of confidence.
As far as not telling her right away you are disabled I say it's ok, so long as you tell her prior to meeting her. I met a guy once off this site who had a prosthetic arm. It wasn't a big deal to me at all, but because he didn't tell me about it, it caught me off guard when I went to shake that hand. Had he not lied about so many other things I probably would have gone on more dates with him, but I am not a fan of dishonesty.
So be honest, but wait until she gets to know you and you've either shared several e-mails and/or talked on the phone. That way she'll know whether or not the disablilty is going to be an issue as far as relationship goes. If you are a genuine guy, and really honest, and come across as caring she'll be more likely to want to get to know you despite the disablility.
I wish you all the best  ! | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 12:53:33 PM | not all people who have a disability are disabled.........
if the mind works,and if you can still get around and
do things as anyone else,then you don't really have
a disability,........disablity means not to be able to
do things for oneself..........
for 51 yrs I was lame couldn't walk always weak in the
legs,but I still able to do my work.............
but then i had something happened to me I got healed
and I can now walk just like anyone else,I even had one
leg shorter then the other..........
I have a friend you had a double lung transplant 2 yrs
ago,who lungs gave out and she couldn't breathe on her
own for 6 yrs,but after her operation she is now breathing
on her own again........oh what the marvels that prayer,
and modern science ,and doctors can do these days....... | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 1:15:27 PM |
I am going to vote not to delete this thread, but next time you should do a thread search. I know this has been done before.
Yeah, this thread has been done before, but it's still an issue which doesn't get discussed much.
As far as not telling her right away you are disabled I say it's ok, so long as you tell her prior to meeting her. I met a guy once off this site who had a prosthetic arm. It wasn't a big deal to me at all, but because he didn't tell me about it, it caught me off guard when I went to shake that hand. Had he not lied about so many other things I probably would have gone on more dates with him, but I am not a fan of dishonesty.
Like in the thread before this one, I was still left confused as to WHY it's so troubling if someone DOESN'T say something before meeting someone.
It wasn't a big deal to you AT ALL, until you discovered it, and it caught you off guard, it still wasn't a BIG DEAL to him, but because he failed to mention it prior to meeting in person, it was an outright LIE! The dishonesty lies within the person that says it doesn't bother them at all, but finds some OTHER way of beating around the bush to keep from saying it DOES bother them.
Let's see if they were someone famous like
The drummer for Def Leppard (one armed drummer)
Mel Tillis (country singer) Speech problem
(I think it was) Dwight D Eisenhower (US President) Polio
Michael J Fox (actor) Parkinsons
Christopher Reeve (Superman) Paralyzed
Dick Clark: Stroke
Would it make a difference if one of these people showed up on a date with you and didn't tell you over the phone about their disability? Would they be telling a LIE about being disabled if they didn't come right out and advertise I AM DISABLED?
Oh well, not everybody can have an open mind I guess!
7 years ago today I was diagnosed with an enlarged heart, which was pumping weak. With the meds I take, I lead a normal and pretty active life. With my compensation I get from the heart condition being service connected, I can say I'm a PROUD disabled veteran. I define the disability, it doesn't define me.
I've learned a lot about people with being disabled myself. There's a lot of shallow people out there, that say they wouldn't mind if a person had a disability, but in reality they DO mind.
I don't look at myself as disabled. I look at it as a path on the road less taken. I've learned new things, and new ways to keep productive, and be creative. I've learned to slow down and enjoy what I have before me. I learned about computers when I first got mine in 2000. I've written several screenplays (none looked at yet), and made many online friends.
"So be honest" Honest about what? With the person they are trying to meet that can overlook their disability, or honest in knowing there's many people that aren't honest with themself and CAN'T honestly look past the 1 flaw in somebody. | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 1:22:04 PM | I don't say "Hi, I have a disability", it comes up because i am not working and they always want to know why I'm reiterd at a young age. I still get around but I do have to take it easier now. As for telling them before we meet I always have, then they stop writing or calling or politly say no thanks. My question is should I wait till after we have met before telling them? I was recently talking to a great woman and we were planning on meeting but when I told her about this disease she didn't want to meet anymore. Her point was she wanted an equal to herself.
Thanks for not deleting this, I didn't see one already about this. | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 1:36:19 PM | I got "technically" retired when I was 26, 2 months shy of 27.
People don't realize there's some really interesting stories to be told about how they might have become disabled.
I was setting in front of the VA hospital the one night, and there were a few others out front too. It was a warm August night. The one guy that was setting there with us was 19 or 20, but he was over in Iraq. He was shot, and is paralyzed from the waist down. He gets around pretty good, and has an AWESOME outlook, even though his future confines him to a wheelchair.
Now there's a guy that became disabled, serving his country, so the able bodied people that are setting in front of their computers looking on this site, can freely choose who they want to be with on a date. But because he's now confined to a wheelchair does that make him less of a man that isn't in one?
Some people! | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 1:37:34 PM | | I think you really know why the idea of dating someone that has a progressive, degererative disease would be overwhelming to some women. I don't have any advice for you, it's really a tough situation, and my heart goes out to you. | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 2:16:21 PM | I could see it if it were contagious like an STD.
To answer an earlier post with no constructive input. If I knew the answer I wouldn't have asked.
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 5:54:44 PM | If you're well enough to walk around and don't need constant care, then I don't see why your health issues need to be discussed upfront.
It's like walking up to someone and saying, "Hi, I'm Fred, I have fallen arches, my arteries are 50% clogged, I perspire heavily whenever I see chickens and I sometimes pee when I sneeze."
We don't need to know this. If and when we get to the point of being more than acquaintances, these things will come up of there own accord.
I don't know what is was about that comment, but something about it just seemed so disrespectful to the Op.
I think the Op has a genuine concern and would appreciate mature and helpful asnwers. I mean we are adults here.
No Offence Ophelia but that just sounds apathetic on your part. Period!
OP There is nothing wrong with bringing this up and I thinkit's important for people to know and to be honest with them.
Also there is NOTHING wrong with dating someone who is disabled. | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 6:13:05 PM | I suppose the OP could let me know if he felt disrespected. I was attempting to point out, by employing absurdity, that we don't need to spill our guts about every last detail that is "wrong" with us when we first meet someone.
I work with people who have mental health issues. It's an on-going question -- should they reveal their "illness" to potential dates upfront or not? Do they have an obligation to disclose what's "wrong" with them?
Are you obliged to tell someone that you have gallstones, et cetera? My point is that, unless you're on a dialysis machine or have some issue that means you're not able to get around or care for yourself, then I don't believe you owe it to people to cough up personal details.
Ratero-Man, I think you became offended by my post on another thread and are projecting your disapproval here. There was nothing -- and IS nothing -- about my post or my attitude that says there's somethig wrong with dating disabled people. Quite the opposite. | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 7:35:43 PM | | No I didn't feel disrespected and I do appreciate all the comments and suggestions. My feeling is I should warn them but when I do they turn tail and run. I don't know how long I have till I might need a wheelchair, maybe a few years or maybe never but it is a possibility. Maybe the women can answer this, would you want to know right away or would it matter? If you were dating and then found out would you leave the guy? I do agree there is no need to tell every potential date all our health problems but what about something like this? | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 8:33:59 PM | | I'd rather know no later than the second date. Once someone kept a handicap hidden from me for months. Deception is no way to begin a relationship. | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 8:41:55 PM | Once again, the same arguements on the same subject.
Would it make a difference, first date, second date, 4th date, if it doesn't bother the person?
For the people that still think it is Deception by not saying anything, isn't stopping to think that the most common results after disclosing (think that's the word) their disability, it does tend to throw up a barrier, and the person tends to shy away and make excuses for NOT dating.
I have an enlarged heart and taking meds for it. Would it be a big deal to KNOW right away about it? Would it make you have second thoughts about dating? If so WHY? Some of the many questions that will arise from the person with a disability I'm sure.
So I have an enlarged heart and on meds for it. It doesn't stop me from having fun. I still don't sky dive, rock climb, or enter any marathons. I didn't do that stuff when I had a normal sized heart.
I remember seeing some posts from the previous discussion on this, about people being active and want someone to keep up with their activities. So if you are into skiiing, and a guy with a prosthetic leg doesn't ski, while he hangs out at the ski lodge, while you are out burning up the slopes, when you meet up later, when you are done skiing, will it have mattered if he/she was on the slopes with you or not?
What about role reversal. You have an active life. Try living a life with someone with a disability for a day. Could you wheel yourself around all day like they do? I myself would know I wouldn't want to arm wrestle someone that wheels for a living.
So many narrow minds, so little time! | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 9:11:59 PM | .
Oh stop it already! You wear “disability” on your sleeve like it’s some sort of badge of distinction. It’s not, so forget it. Also, remove all mention of it from your profile.
Most people have a little something or other wrong with them. With some of us, it’s visible. In my case, it was very visible but not so much anymore because I’m working to get myself back into near-perfect shape again. I had to take early retirement because of a disability. Now I’m healthy again and perfectly able to work full time but cannot cause now I’m at retirement age. Such is life. LOL
Now that you have plenty of time, learn the diet and exercise necessary to help yourself improve. Then start studying about the herbs and supplements you need to develop and maintain good health. You’re too damn young to just sit back and wait. Get proactive and attack the problem. It might take you a couple years to get to feeling really good again, but you can -- if not perfect, then at least good enough to enjoy an active and productive life.
As long as you are walking around and doing things everyday, I would not call that disabled. You shouldn’t either. So quit hinting around that you might need a keeper and start telling the ladies what there is about you that will allow you to share the joys of life with them.
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 9:32:04 PM | Who is wearing a disability like a badge of distinction? Apparently you haven't read through all the postings, to see that there are the "ladies" that can't seem to OVERLOOK a disability, and think it's a deceptive of a person not to disclose it to them before meeting. So now you are saying wipe the slate clean of it, go out there like there's nothing wrong......and when the lady thinks someone is hiding something because they didn't mention a disability (the reason why you are popping those medications in that little orange colored bottle) what then?
I guess I should slap Dealer plates on my truck instead of the Disabled Veteran plates!
Some people just like to be seen and heard! | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 9:43:59 PM | | Cheap Trick Fan. Are you saying if you were dating a guy and he didn't tell you by the second date you would not see him anymore? What if he was a great guy, would you dump him because he didn't tell you? | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 10:01:32 PM | Hi Raz, yes do tell. I do too because some people simply don't want to deal with the eventuality of us possibly being in a wheelchair. In my case it's occasionally but rarely. May end up in one permanently, may not. Who knows. Life goes on, I try to live it as best as I can. I will not use it as a crutch nor will I lie about it or try to hide it. It's a part of me and that's just the way it is. You seem to have a good attitude about it as well, which helps alot 
I put my back problem right up front in my post so it weeds out people who are looking for someone to go say... hiking, mountain climbing, skiing LOL NOT going to be me, not anytime soon anyhow. Be patient, give it time and the right person will come along. I hope for me too eventually LOL
Snowwolf | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/16/2006 10:31:31 PM | i read your profile, it says your profession is being disabled. then it has a few lines of really negative stuff. i said to myself, this man isn't getting rejected because of his disabity! then i went back again and read it to the end. it appears you were joking?!" i would say, redo the profile. say what you did or do for volunteer work or leave it blank. you are not disabled as a profession. then just share your experience, strength and hope. disabilty is an issue, but it doesn't DEFINE you. but that also is a process, once you stop defining yourself by your work. i know, it took me a good few years to figure it all out and find my "significance" in life. i was so "work-defined". life is a journey. take your path and see where it leads you. mine led to motherhood in my fifities!
it's not always easy, but neither is it always hard. i have many "abled" friends who cannot meet people right away either. some because they are moms, some because they don't have enough money to impress a woman, some because of their "looks"(either too homely or too good looking), some their weight, some are too introverted and of course i have way too big a new york city mouth (although the fact is underneath, i'm guite a gentle soul). oh, it goes on and on and just doesn't stop, if you let it thrive.
my disablity is lymes disease. sooner or later i tell people. it affects people in different ways. i get the best possible medical care, but some cannot afford to do the same or believe their HMO doctor that they don't have it (it's way too expensive to treat properly). i lead a better life than some people who are employed. the reason is: because i care and i do the best i can and have a good mind and a decent heart. yes, i've been rejected--particularly by people who have never met me. i figure, their loss. there's always something to bother someone, particularly when they need someone else to validate them. i was rejected before disability when i was "rich and famous" as well. rejected by some, but not all. the more you think out of the box, the greater the risk, but the more luxurious the path and the outcome. | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/17/2006 3:34:31 AM | | I'm not saying he has to tell me by the second date or I'd dump him, but I'd prefer it sooner than later. If I found out something significant much later, I'd be thinking "not again".... | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/17/2006 3:51:14 AM | Women on POF withhold the truth all the time. Why should you be any different?
I bet if you meet one of these women from the site, see that she's 80 pounds heavier than your picture that your back problems will flare up right in front of them, and you won't have to say a word. | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/17/2006 6:00:07 AM | "The drummer for Def Leppard (one armed drummer)
Mel Tillis (country singer) Speech problem
(I think it was) Dwight D Eisenhower (US President) Polio
Michael J Fox (actor) Parkinsons
Christopher Reeve (Superman) Paralyzed
Dick Clark: Stroke"
Apparently Steve Hawking is having NO problems in getting laid or a woman either. Though I recently learned his soon to be ex wife has been brought up on abuse charges......hey....takes a brave soul to torture a man in a wheel chair.....
OP....Don't focus in so much on the disability. The truth is, around places like these, anybody at any time can find any reason to not be interested in another anybody. Everybody goes through it.
There are so many items that get factored into any one persons interest or lack of interest with another.......particularly here.....
I may be guessing....and it's sort of based on personal experience...(awww hell it IS based on personal experience) but maybe along with the dating dilemna is the feeling and fear of "Am I going to have to face what is starting to happen to me ALONE for the rest of my life?......Will anybody BE there? Will I be loved as I get WORSE?" And that is the scariest, emptiest feeling in the world.
I think, instead of trying to find somebody here, you should try to find some local events or places to meet people in an immediate VISUAL setting......get out THERE!! If you hang around HERE, you will start to feel depressed from the rejection.....It's my guess that if people were to see you 'as you are' right off the bat at social functions, church events, etc., they get a chance to see the 'what you see is what you get' you.....not the 'mystery guy' on the internet you, where you wind up only being judged by an 'affliction' in the end........
And you might try to find some local support groups where there are other people who deal with this stuff in their families, or other people who have it. Trying to find a date on places like these gives people too much time to 'think'.... And people already create too many things in their heads 'pros and cons' even against the 'healthiest' of people.....they then make a choice to not get to know "YOU".....
There will come a time when you can sit in front of your computer and communicate with the rest of the world because you no longer have any CHOICE......but NOW is NOT the time......NOW is the time to make the most of every STEP OF YOUR FEET that you can make........ and step away from HERE....HERE is not healthy for you.......out THERE is the healthiest thing you can do for you right now......
Best of Luck.....prayers... | |
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| Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/17/2006 6:26:51 AM | A lot of it depends on your attitude about a disability. Personally I've dated guys with disabilities before. I dont see it as a problem. However, these guys knew their disability was just part of their personality make-up, they didnt make excuses for it, they didnt use it as a crutch (pun intended), they could laugh at themselves without constantly calling attention to the disability. The ones who wanted to talk about it constantly or call attention to it are the ones that I dont bother with.
I talked to one guy for a while, who was disabled from neck fracture. After we talked a few times, he said, 'maybe i can get your number, i might need some help one day when my helpers cant make it'. Instead of meeting on mutual ground, it was about what I could do for him since he was disabled. That kind of attitude toward a disability is the turnoff. Although I would be happy to help him out sometime in a pinch, if it was a dating situation, then that would be how the relationship would go, it would be what I could do for him in a 'caretaker' sort of way instead of something for both of us.
OP, apparently you changed your profile because it sounds positive and upbeat (someone posted that it was negative). Very good idea. It now sounds like you dont let the disability get you down, and you've overcome it even though it. Very good! I'll bet you get a date before end of the month. | |
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