| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/17/2006 5:59:48 AM | | Do not respond to this unless you have some solid advice please. My ex and I were talking about some dicipline issues my 7 year old is having. Its nothing major she is just being a kid. When she is with me she does her homework and she is calmer. I have more structure with her. Dinner time, play time, bath time , tv time and bed time and I also take time to bond with her sometimes 15 min some times hours. When she is with her mom there is no structure and her mom does not have the time or energy ..she says.. to put in what I do. Ok that may be I am not judging she still loves her and thats important. During our conversation she told me that her now boyfreind of 3 months threatend to spank his own 4 year old and my 7 year old. She told me that his 4 year old has the "fear of God" instilled in him. This boyfreind of hers should I be worried or am I over reacting? She made it sound like no big deal and I was not there so I am not sure if he was just joking or its going to lead to something. Do I confront this guy and make it clear that he never touch my child? I never met him just his soon to be ex and she said he was an ***hole to her. Do I call his soon to be ex wife whom I know and ask her his back round to see if he ever hit their children? I am pissed but I dont want to over react. They have only been together 3 months he should not even be interacting with my children. Do you agree? | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/17/2006 6:24:52 AM | I agree if she has only been dating him for three months, to me that seems way too soon for him to be meeting the children. When mine were young, they didn't meet people I was just dating. I did not see the point. It just seems wrong.
I don't know your x wife, so it is hard to say if you should be worried or not. If she is like me, then I would say no. If a man I had just been dating for three months, had even talked about spanking one of my children, I would have dropped him like a bad habit!!!
If I were you I would instill in the new "boyfriend" the fear of having his butt beat into the ground if he ever so much as touched my child. | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/17/2006 6:51:10 AM | I would talk to him, be straight to the point, and tell him you have heard things from others, without giving any names or clues as to who it was that gave you your information. Tell him that you'd rather him wait until after there is a solid relationship between him and your ex wife and also between him and your child before he starts disciplining your child.
Too bad you are not dating his ex wife - then all four of you could sit down and discuss things on equal terms, but things just don't usually happen like that.
But blowing up is not going to help matters, and it'll be things that you can't take back. Just remember, his ex wife might still be hurting from their divorce, or what she is saying could even be an understatement. Talk to him, talk to your kid, talk to your ex wife. Find out more info.
Who knows, your ex wife might have sounded like it was no biggie, but she also knows how to get your attentioin, so she could have been trying to send up a red flag to you. Hopefully not, but you never know. Talk to her and find out more. | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/17/2006 7:13:33 AM | myself, if he spanks his own child that is between him and his ex as if she is fine with this then there is nothing you can do.... It is still wrong to spank a child period mind you.
But when it comes to your child what I would do is sit down with your ex and her new bf as it seems like he is going to be part of your child's life for the next little while and tell them that you do not want your child spanked and then maybe come up with anoter solution on how to disapline as this is your's and your ex's child not his even though he is there right now with your child. And your ex should respect how you feel towards this as you are both this child's parent and that is where the disapline should come from.
I know most people wouldnt agree with me but no step parent has the right to disapline a child other then send them to their room until the birth parent comes home. I was raised with my mom and my step father since I was 9 months old and never once did my parents (mom and dad- step dad) ever spank me, my dad would tell me to go to my room until mom would come home as he never felt that it was reall yhis place to disapline me. I remember my mother telling him "I dont mind if you disapline her just dont ever put your hands on her to do it" other then that my disapline was the same by both parents it was always sent to my room or something taken away or a VERY long talk about what I did wrong and I turned out great, I was not a problem child/teen/or now even adult.
I myself find that a child that is spanked has a higher risk of being violent and in trouble then children who are not spanked but still diaplined in another way. (I am not saying all situation's where a child was spanked is like this so please dont jump on me for this).
I would just be open with them both and tell them that if there is any spanking going on then you will take measures into your own hands and just leave it at that as if your child is spanked you will know. | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/17/2006 8:25:01 AM | | I don't think you're over reacting at all. Your ex's bf has no right to be spanking your daughter. You should definately ask your wife if the three of you can get together to discuss the situation and talk about it. Let them know you are not comfortable with spanking as a discipline and figure out between the three of you what you are comfortable with. If you want to phone the guy's "soon to be ex-wife" and talk to her about him I don't see anything wrong with that. As for your thoughts that your ex's bf should not be interacting with your daughter, that isn't really fair to say as he is a big part of your ex's life now... but when it comes to discipline, maybe it's not his department so much. I think you have to be a little bit flexible, but at the same time firm in your beliefs about spanking. | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/17/2006 9:33:59 AM |
This boyfreind of hers should I be worried or am I over reacting?
ahhhh yeaaaa u should be worried about the safety of ur daughter, ur ex-wife, & that 'man`s' son..
Do I confront this guy and make it clear that he never touch my child?
i`m assuming his would already know this & that he could get into alll kinds of legal troubles.. | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/17/2006 5:17:53 PM | | I would be very upfront and firm about the ground rules with my son. Which basically entails you lay a hand on my child you have me to contend with. I suggest you do the same. You don't have to be an a sswhole but make it clear you are not kidding. | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/17/2006 5:37:25 PM | I'd lose it if my ex's boyfriend smacked my kids. I don't smack my kids as a means of discipline. I never threaten to do it either.
That guy has no business touching your kid.
As others have pointed out as well, 3 months is WAY too soon to be introducing the bf to the kids, in my opinion.
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/17/2006 5:47:03 PM | | I would NOT allow my ex's gf to spank/smack my little boy much less whip his bottom because NOBODY has the right to get on to a child as in (spanking/smacking) a child when the child is NOT theirs. | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/17/2006 6:28:22 PM | | IF YOU KNOW HIS EX THAN YOU SHOULD MOST DEFINITELY GET ALL THE INFO ON HIS BACK GROUND BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR CHILD.. BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT SHE IS HIS EX AND MAY EXAGERATE. AND IF YOUR EX HAS ONLY BEEN SEEING HIM FOR 3 MO THATS NO WHERE NEAR A SERIOUS ENOUGH RELATIONSHIP FOR HIM TO EVEN THINK OF CORRECTING YOUR CHILD SURE IF SHE'S IN HARMS WAY HE SHOULD GET HERE OUT OF IT BUT HE NEEDS TO LEAVE THE SPANKING TO MOM... | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/18/2006 1:46:09 AM | | Hi my name is Wolf i'm 55 and have 2 grand kids 14 & soon to be 16 we've raised them both, so listen well #1 NO ONE and I mean NO ONE EVER TOUCHES YOUR CHILD no way shape nor form! #2 check this guy out ! Where does he get off telling someone he's going to spank their child? A little advice from an old man , LOVE YOUR CHILDREN WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND SOUL. Ground your kids , take away something they enjoy, make em do house work. But for the love of God, please don't hit them. Thank you Wolf | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/18/2006 7:50:49 AM | I'll chime in and agree with the other posters.
Under NO circumstances should he touch your child. I would be PO'd at even the threat as well. Yes, you should make the ground rules very, very clear to both your ex and her boyfriend. If he touches her, then you report him to the police and his 4 year old may have to watch him hauled in by the police. Let him think about that image.
I don't want to get into the debate over corporal punishment of our own children here - but I don't think any reasonable person would think it's OK for parents' boyfriends and girlfriends to spank a child that is not theirs.
I'm also seeing a couple other things within your post that would be concerning if I were in your situation.
First, the mother doesn't have the time or energy to provide structure and bonding? You said OK and you're not judging --- BE JUDGEMENTAL! Part of loving a child IS providing structure, discipline and bonding. If she doesn't have the time or energy, then she needs to drop something else that's going on in her life (the boyfriend, maybe, or something else fromher social life?) to make time. It sounds like that's a conversation you all should have.
You didn't say if she's living with the guy or not or just dating. But, why has your child met her new boyfriend after only three months? How irresponsible.
It sounds like your ex needs to think about how fit she is to provide parenting for the child. You didn't say what the custody arrangement is, but maybe you should push fer her having only every other weekend or something.
Good luck. | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/18/2006 11:51:56 AM | I would certainly be telling the Mom that you do not approve of the Boyfriend hitting your kid.
It is inappropriate at best, but gauge her reaction when you speak with her. But don't do it in a threatening tone, have a calm discussion about it. If she refuses to talk about it then confront the boyfriend. if he gives attitude then bring in Chiildren's Services and be ready for court. | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/18/2006 12:11:59 PM | Thank you all for your valuable advice. I sent an e mail to my ex asking her( very politely) not to allow anyone to touch our children I also informed her (very sternly) that if I find out that this man or any one else touches the children I will step in (and on). Folks I have been divorced for almost 2 years and I still have not introduced nor even talked to my children about the person(s) which I date. Its not to be disrespectful but these children have alot to condend to. We as adults do get lonely at times and we have the right to be happy but once we decide to bring children into this world then things do change for us. We have to find a balance. I am very happy to hear the majority of you would not introduce your children to a mate for some time that is truly maturity and respect for your children and your self. I respect someone even more if they on their owm tell you that they do not want to meet your children until you are certain that you are ready and willing to commit to a relationship. It may not work out but the time knowing was spent. I will heed all of your advice Thank you!  | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/18/2006 5:00:58 PM | | you need to communicate this to both of them together. your ex and her new boyfriend. he has no rights when it comes to your children. i would not tolerate it at all. there is nothing about this that should be taken light heartedly. he does not need to be playing the role of a parent in your child's life. it's wrong and confusing to the kids. if he does not share your parenting philosophy you need to be right up front about what you will not tolerate. it would be a very scary experience for her to have him spank her. im mad for you. | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/18/2006 5:12:33 PM | He hasn't known this child long enough to determine OR administer displine.
I say speak to your wife a little more and let her know that this is a SERIOUS issue for you. If she doesn't respond in a rational manner, I'm afraid you might be back in court soon. | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/18/2006 11:06:31 PM | | I am a father of a 5 year old girl and my ex let her new boyfriend move in after 4 months of dating (against my wishes)the parenting is not up to him that is for my ex and myself to deal with and that was a good thing as after a year or so they broke up .Further more if he ever raised his hand towards my daughter ......you can guess the rest .here's a question do you have to spank her ? I agree with your points and think somewhere around a year is a good time to bring other halves and kids together . | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/19/2006 8:13:36 AM | mafinkc
I am a single mom of 2 boys (now 5 and 6 years old) and had taken a timeout from this "sea" of dating,etc. to establish a well structured environment for them and ditto on the fact that she doesnt have the time or energy! THAT IS PART OF BEING A MOTHER. There are times that I am dead tired but i still drag myself in amd read to my children every night and of course it has payed off tremendously because now my 5 year old is actually reading to us at a 4th grade level. She really does need to reconsider her schedule and modify it if she is too tired to build a structure for your child. I think it is our job as parents to instill morals and values in our children that will last a lifetime-- what is she teaching your daughter with this kind of behavior (introducing boyfriend so early- apparently from the posts he is still married??hello!) I wish you the best of luck with this and certainly make it clear that you would not tolerate someone laying their hands on your child for NO REASON whatsoever.
Just my 2 cents (turned out to be about 4 though lol)
scout | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/19/2006 7:49:32 PM | Honestly I don't believe kids should be spanked, now when my ex and I got toghter she was a single mother of 2 kids.
I ended up to a point where the kids wouldn't listen to her, or me which I didn't expect them two. After a year or so things were still rough and we started to spank "put the fear of god in them" Seeing as their father was in prision I reckoned that was what they needed. This all from the teachings of my father. After about another year and some counciling (not for spanking it was a monthly thing we did for parents as teachers)
In short we came to the understanding of better ways to discipline the children......there ages were 2-4 at this time and now are 2-7 my daughter being 2.
I'm very leary of the whole B/F thing now and it scares the @#$@ out of me.
I would do a bk check on him myself but I am over protective of my daughter and my ex has poor judgement.
best of luck
Jamie | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/19/2006 7:50:56 PM | | forgot about the 3 months thing..............I really hate that it should be 3 months at least before the new b/f or g/f meets the kids IMHO, not thinking he's a daddy to them.........I could go on forever on this | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/19/2006 8:07:26 PM | AAh!, who is this guy! F.u.ck it, let me deal w/ him.
#1, you don't have to call the Ex wife for anything my friend!, just follow what you think should be done. It is irrelevant whether he does spank/hit his children. It's irrelevant.
What has the mom said, was he serious or aah!
In my opinion, nobody will lay a hand on my daughter, I don't give a f.u.ck you're the boyfriend of 20 years (and this guy is only 3mths),her Mom is there to discipline, if that fails, I will take charge of the discipline when present. I suggest you take this view as well.
-Explain to the mother how you feel and that you do not wish this guy to touch/discipline your kid(based on the thread, it seems that you do not want him to touch your kid).
TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND MAKE SURE SHE UNDERSTANDS THAT THIS GUY IS NOT BY ANYMEANS TO DISCIPLINE HER, of course she must respect the boyfriend.
Now if you feel that the mother would allow this against your advice I say you have a talk with this guy. Make sure he understands your position, be nice of course, she may end up marrying this guy and you do not want any friction between him and your daughter.
Your daughter is 7, she will not like it. This guy is a stranger when it comes to this depth.
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/19/2006 11:54:47 PM | It is YOUR child too. You have every right to speak up and tell him that he doesnt have the right to do that. As for your ex, she should be making sure that people she dates dont cross lines... disipline is one of them.
Absolutely say something to him and if he goes ahead and does it anyway, call child welfare... and maybe file for custody. If my ex's new girlfriend tried to do that, she'd better run for her life.
And I dont think it matters how long they have or have not been together. It is NOT his right and your ex needs to let him know that too. | |
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| ex wifes boyfreind threatens to spank the kids
Posted: 11/20/2006 1:35:38 AM | | Here's a strange but true one for you. I have never spanked my kids, and never will, one's 16, and one's 18. They have never given me reason to but for some reason have always had a fear that they would do something to cause this. I suspect the fear of disappointing me was the root of that. Though I always made my pride in them known to them daily. I even asked them why they were afraid I would spank them, and they don't know either. For whatever reason it worked, not sure what happened, or why. Letting a kid wonder if something might occur isn't the worst thing a person can do. Now if he were to actually raise a hand, be assured sooner or later it will fall. Make sure your ex understands your views on this. | |
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