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 METALLlC BLUE
Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 1
Hit Me With Your Hardest CriticismPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I've updated my profile, and I'm really confident about it. Hit me with your hardest criticism, grammar, spelling, content, suggestions, etc.
 Banter-er
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 2
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Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 6:30:55 AM
Hi Blue,

Overall, great profile. You're an interesting and complex guy, I've long enjoyed your posts on the forums.

A few minor quibbles:

Run over it again with a critical eye - your spelling and grammar seems okay but some of your tenses are out of whack.

"apart" in your first date section should be "a part"

Although grammatically I think it's correct, your About Me is two rather large blocks of text. See if you can break it up a bit without affecting the flow too much.

Good job!!

 Zasraik
Joined: 11/12/2006
Msg: 3
Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 6:38:01 AM
I'm going to tear it to pisces.

There is no hyphen in "Xbox."

Women with taste would rather play Mario Kart than Halo. Actually, people with taste would rather play Mario Kart than Halo.

Your headline is pretentious and easily answered.

That's a lot of interests but you mention hardly any of them.

I don't like that sweater.

Your profile reads like a vacation infomercial.

In fact - your profile reads like an infomercial from the movie "Total Recall" which is kind of scary.

Or how about Pleasure Island: looks good but it's 100% camp.

Do you really think driving around is euphoric?

Spellcheck.

I didn't laugh but once while reading your profile. Damn it I want some funny.

I just got off of the graveyard shift, so maybe I'm just tired, but your profile is making me sleepy. It might be a good substitute for a lullaby.

Everything seems too perfect. Show me a perfect profile and I'll show you a cover-up. Real boats rock.
 -=Kalidor=-
Joined: 7/14/2006
Msg: 4
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Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 7:33:57 AM
Okay, butthole.

First of all, you have way too many interests. No one does that many things. Ditch 90% of what you have as interests and compile them into the single interest of "Sleeping". Chicks don't want a guy who's too busy having fun to even date them.


I'm interested in befriending a younger woman who is prepared to share an exciting journey.


This right here implies that you're the kind of guy who will recite cheesy pick up lines to 15 year old girls about getting in their pants. Also, what kind of journey are you talking about, in your rusty van? Not cool.



If you enjoy conversation, learning, listening, asking big questions, sharing ideas, and helping others, you'll adore me. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who enjoys a fun challenge, and who sees adversity in her life as opportunities rather than obstacles.


So basically you're saying "Figure out what I like to be happy and then do it, be it making me dinner or programming the VCR.


I will challenge you, and when your life isn't easy, I'll always remind you that the impossible just takes a little longer, or to keep it simple when you lose your way. Of all the men you may have met, I will open the car door and pull out your seat


All the men? Pull you out of your seat? So in essence you are singling out the girls who've dated tons of guys and are easy to put out, and if they don't, you'll abuse them.

before dinner no matter how many dinners we've had together, gently taking your hand, and showing you my interest, respect and my values. Can you visualize yourself at dinner, or hanging around in sweats and tee shirts playing X-box, or in the passenger seat driving to the beach with me, laughing as I tell silly jokes and feeling euphoric and excited with such simplicity? Prepare to have a lot of fun: exploring people, places and learning new things and being apart of my world.


This just makes you sound like a nerd who is insecure about dating a girl who hasn't had 50 boyfriends.


Let me share my philosophy with you. There are things I'm striving for in my life, and things that I'd like to see change in the world around me, and in myself; and while this sometimes appears elusive, I'm coming to appreciate the beauty in this process. It's hard to come to grips sometimes with the tension we face, in ourselves and in the world around us.


So the world isn't good enough for you? You claim to be happy and care free but you can't even be satisfied with what you have?


I see others cynical and immersed in the business of living and sometimes overwhelmed by the letdowns. As we collide with each other we are left to decide who we are, and who we could be. Sometimes it takes the tragic aspects of life, and the painful struggles we each face to bring about change in us - but it is then when I wake to abundant blue skies, that I'm reminded of the beauty around me and I am inspired to live for something more. That's where it all begins for me. When I write music and perform for someone, the songs I sing, and the words I write mean most when they come from these experience. It's a privledge when it matters most to another who is listening, because then it becomes their story.


Pretty vain if you ask me.



First Date
On a first date I'd do something creative yet spontaneous with you. It may be simple, but it will always be memorable and fun. If my date has imput prior to, or during the date regarding something she's interested in, that's great too!

The comfort of my date is my number one priority. I enjoy comfortable settings where we can sit and talk such as cafes, park benches, soothing pubs, low lit restaurant, patios, sometimes even the passenger seat. What matters most is the conversation.Once we've know each other a little more, maybe we'll do something wild like drive to Boston, or the Cape! Maybe we'll take a dance class, or go to a concert! Maybe it's a surprise?


IE: Cheapskate.



Wouldn't you like to be apart of all this? Let's begin! E-mail me, and tell me five things that stand out in my profile that you feel are most important or most appealing to you, and explain why.


And thus concludes my recount of what some weird people's thought processes on this site seems to be like. People who make huge leaps of non logic and pull total ass brained ideas out of thin air about what they comprehend when they try to read something either in the forums or in a profile.

Hopefully, you can weed them out and find the girl of your dreams

Your friend,
Greg
 METALLlC BLUE
Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 5
Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 8:04:40 AM


to_woman


Thank you, I've made corrections.



I'm going to tear it to pisces.


Excellent. I appreciate it.



There is no hyphen in "Xbox."


Fixed



Your headline is pretentious and easily answered.


Changed it. Any ideas that might improve it?



That's a lot of interests but you mention hardly any of them.


Can't possibly talk about all of them. I talked about music, concerts, song writing, the beach, dancing, cooking classes, day trips. All of those plus more were discussed in the main.



I don't like that sweater.


Noted



Your profile reads like a vacation infomercial.


Any suggestions.



Do you really think driving around is euphoric?


Fixed, changed the wording.



Spellcheck.


Fixed



I didn't laugh but once while reading your profile. Damn it I want some funny.


I'm not quite sure how to go about incorporating funny into the substance of the profile, but I'll figure something out.



I just got off of the graveyard shift, so maybe I'm just tired, but your profile is making me sleepy. It might be a good substitute for a lullaby.


So overall it's boring, or is it specific aspects? Is there anyway to improve that?



Everything seems too perfect. Show me a perfect profile and I'll show you a cover-up. Real boats rock.


I could mention I have a chronic illness and that I'm disabled. That seems like a wonderful way to start off on the right foot, yes?
 METALLlC BLUE
Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 6
Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 8:11:48 AM

Okay, butthole.


Thanks bro, you're a big help. If you were here right now, I'd hump you. MUHAHAHA [/Naughtyness]
 -=Kalidor=-
Joined: 7/14/2006
Msg: 7
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Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 8:41:28 AM
Well, as you know, I was kidding -- but I do think you should narrow your interests down to like the top 10.

Otherwise, the profile seems pretty cool.
 METALLlC BLUE
Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 8
Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 8:45:16 AM
Greg, you suck balls -- I am not shortening my interest list you punk az' biznatch.
 hapeenurse
Joined: 5/5/2006
Msg: 9
Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 8:51:34 AM
hee I do so love it when two or three of my fave boy posters go at it in a thread..........

and I kinda like the sweater.
 METALLlC BLUE
Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 10
Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 8:54:00 AM
You mean the sweater doesn't bring out the homosex...., I mean color in my eyes?
 hapeenurse
Joined: 5/5/2006
Msg: 11
Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 8:55:44 AM
nah, but the demin shirt, man I just dunno.....

 Serojin
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 12
Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 8:58:46 AM
I'm going to be honest, I skimmed most of this thread and your profile, but from that skim I do have this to say;

Too much, too soon. Your profile goes into "what ifs" and "my philosophy is..". Your profile (from what I gather) is more of an advertisement than an open assessment of your personal beliefs and habits. A loose analogy would be: If you are looking to buy a novel.. do you read the entire thing in the store, or do you read the back synopsis?

Thats what I got out of your profile. Myself, I'd tone it down. Seem a LITTLE too eager to please, and that can be detrimental at times.


Sero
 METALLlC BLUE
Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 13
Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 8:59:50 AM
Sero,
Thank you for the information. That's how I feel too, I was just waiting to hear someone say it.
 Serojin
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 14
Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 9:02:56 AM
heh, no problem. I suffer from the same affliction if its any consolation. I want to bear all to the world, and make people see what I am inside.. but that scares alot of people. With reason, but its hard sometimes, heh. So, try and bite your lip when you find yourself with 10 plus paragraphs of your philosophy (exaggeration, but you get it).
 Banter-er
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 15
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Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 9:09:41 AM
"Too much, too soon."

I don't necessarily agree. It really depends what you feel the purpose of your profile is. I got the impression that Blue was using his profile to filter out the people with whom he would have little in common. Anybody who isn't into reading that much, or feels put off by the thoughts/philosophies he's shared, would likely not be a good fit. If that's one of the goals of the profile, then I think it's well suited.

Now, if I'm wrong, and you just wanna be an email ho, well then ya got some changes to make!

(but I think I'm right)

Blue, I think you could improve your pictures. Although there's a better variety in there than many, most of them are you looking down at the camera with this weird raised-eyebrow surprised thing going on. Grab a friend, do a photo shoot, come back and dazzle us. And show us your eyes young man, take off those sunglasses!

 Fiery~D
Joined: 11/15/2006
Msg: 16
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Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 9:10:56 AM
Metallic, dont take this the wrong way (and its probably my brit humour) but the profile....its bland.

I skimmed it.

I'm not an expert profile writer, hell look at mine, its more like a bloody essay! But you do need to break it up a bit.

We women need to be lulled into things....that huge great block of writing right at the beginning? I saw that and thought WHOAH! I gotta read all that? And then skimmed all the way through to the end. Break it down a little.

The perfect date section also is a little too....flowery....you've basically said 'as long as my date is happy, I'm happy'....its a cop out! Be specific! I love the bits at the bottom where you talk about going on a road trip together, but to get there we gotta get through a whole load of nowt.

You seem say an awful lot for someone who says not a lot - not meant as an insult really, truly, please believe me!....just....get to the point, you do it so well in your posts.

Hope this helps xx
 -=Kalidor=-
Joined: 7/14/2006
Msg: 17
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Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 9:12:34 AM
I think the muscle pics bring out the 'homosex' quite nicely
 METALLlC BLUE
Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 18
Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 9:14:15 AM


So, try and bite your lip when you find yourself with 10 plus paragraphs of your philosophy (exaggeration, but you get it).


I shortened it up a little bit, but I have more changes to make Sero.
 Fiery~D
Joined: 11/15/2006
Msg: 19
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Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 9:15:42 AM
Oh I forgot to say...love the range of piccies...shows u off a bit more too.....cheers!
 METALLlC BLUE
Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 20
Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 9:18:06 AM


Metallic, dont take this the wrong way (and its probably my brit humour) but the profile....its bland.


I'm not sure how it is now, some suggestions would be great if you could help.




But you do need to break it up a bit.


Broke it up, how's it look?



The perfect date section also is a little too....flowery....you've basically said 'as long as my date is happy, I'm happy'....its a cop out! Be specific! I love the bits at the bottom where you talk about going on a road trip together, but to get there we gotta get through a whole load of now


How about now?



You seem say an awful lot for someone who says not a lot - not meant as an insult really, truly, please believe me!....just....get to the point, you do it so well in your posts.


Ouch, that stung, but you're right. It's helped.
 METALLlC BLUE
Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 21
Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 9:23:50 AM
Here is the old profile heading:

I love exploring people, places and learning new things and then taking you into my world. I'm a very practical person, but I have a lot of enthusiasm and passion to bring to life dreams and goals in-spite of what others might say. There are things I'm striving for in my life, and things that I'd like to see change in the world around me, and in myself; and while this sometimes appears elusive I'm coming to appreciate the beauty in this process. As Jon Foreman - a musician I respect - said: It's hard to come to grips sometimes with the tension we face, in ourselves and in the world around us. We are immersed in the business of living and sometimes overwhelmed by the letdowns. As we collide with each other we are left to decide who we are, and who we could be. Sometimes it takes the tragic aspects of life, and the painful struggles we face to bring about change in us - but it is then when I wake to abundant blue skies, that I'm reminded of the beauty around me and I am inspired to live for something more. That's where it all begins for me.

I'm interested in making friends and meeting a woman who has class, humor and empathizes with those in need. Your integrity and attitude are really what matter most to me. If you enjoy learning, sharing ideas, and enjoy helping others -- that means a great deal to me. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who enjoys a fun challenge [i.e. me *grin*], and who sees adversity in her life as opportunities rather than obstacles. I would like to meet a woman who would allow me to open the car door and pull out her seat before dinner no matter how many dinners we've had together, gently taking your hand, and showing her my interest, and my values. I enjoy these traditional ideals for their intrinsic value -- and I work in my personal daily life to exercise them. They instill self-respect and confidence, and I like feeling that.

-----

It just wasn't doing the trick, and I'm not sure what will. Like I said I'm not an advertising guru -- so it's a bit difficult.
 Serojin
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 22
Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 9:28:32 AM
Had another quick look. It's shaping up nicely. One or two things that don't quite strike me right

"There is nothing more attractive than a woman who enjoys a fun challenge [i.e. me hehe]" -- myself, I find this sentence is decent except the end part. I am not sure what exactly it is about that part, but it seems out of place. It might be just me.

"Prepare to have a lot of fun: exploring people, places and learning new things and being taken of my world. " -- I would make that sentence more like

"I enjoy learning about people, places, and generally interesting new things, and would love someone to share that with"
Or something along those lines.


The last paragraph seems decent enough. It gets a little deep for me, but I think others might accept it. (hey, stop me if I'm wrong.. I'm not an expert profile writer)


Sero
 METALLlC BLUE
Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 23
Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 9:33:15 AM
Sero,
Appreciate all your help. Something just doesn't feel right, but I've updated this further. I think that "deep" paragraph makes a little more sense now.

I said:

I enjoy writing and philosophy, here is a small piece I wrote "There are things I'm striving for in my life, and things that I'd like to see change in the world around me, and in myself; and while this sometimes appears elusive, I'm coming to appreciate the beauty in this process. It's hard to come to grips sometimes with the tension we face, in ourselves and in the world around us. As we collide with each other, often overwhelmed by the letdowns, we are left to decide who we are, and who we could be. Sometimes it takes the tragic aspects of life, and the painful struggles we each face to bring about change in us - but it is then when I wake to abundant blue skies, that I'm reminded of the beauty around me and I am inspired to live for something more. That's where it all begins for me."

---

That transition helps I think. I'm trying to express the way I think, but show that I'm dynamic, which is hard to do for me.
 Fiery~D
Joined: 11/15/2006
Msg: 24
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Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 9:33:37 AM
It's better...just a couple of things I noted:

[being taken of my world.

There are things I'm striving for in my life, and things that I'd like to see change in the world around me, and in myself; and while this sometimes appears elusive,]

Firstly what do you mean being taken of my world?...is this supposed to be off my world?

Secondly...too many "and's"...perhaps....

There are things I'm striving for in my life; things that I'd like to see change in the world around me, and in myself; but while this sometimes appears elusive...

Merely grammar but it looks and flows so much better.

A tip my english teacher told me....take a change of tact or subject as an indication that a new paragraph is needed.

Read your second paragraph again and see if you can see anywhere where this tip might be applied.

Otherwse....much better!
 Serojin
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 25
Hit Me With Your Hardest Criticism
Posted: 11/22/2006 9:37:48 AM
Hey, it's looking good. No problem, I know how you feel. It helps to have a second set of eyes on it.

Again, what you have is pretty decent. The next step I would personally take is to expand on your likes and dislikes. Your first paragraph is your outlook on life. Second, is mainly an excerpt of your works, which is good, but not enough.

I would start on another paragraph after that second one. "I usually enjoy watching such and such movies, I like to do such and such on my spare time, I absolutely love such and such food..." so on. The standard stuff that people want to know about.

Otherwise, lookin good dude.
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